MM made his decision

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

As for you and him, I wonder why you would want him after all that you have seen and been through. I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, but you have seen who he is and what he does to those he loves. Can you endure that from him in the future?

 

I guess that's the biggest question I have to wrestle with while he wrestles with his own stuff. If he does wind up single (big emphasis on the if), I guess we would have to figure that out. But yes, definitely something to start considering.

 

Our talk yesterday went back to the topic of faith a a lot -- knowing how badly we both screwed up in all of this, knowing we both seriously need to change. I think part of his wanting to leave so much at this point is his feelings of failing his W. I'm proud of him for telling his W upfront that things had happened between us. I'm proud of him for laying everything out there now at this point. I do think that deep down he's a good person who got carried away with the excitement and caught up in an emotional connection. But that doesn't change the fact that he lied and hurt his loved ones, and it would take a lot to really build up trust in him. At the same time, I guess he'd need to really believe in me, too.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

 

OMWF..seriously..read this post over and over and over again until it penetrates.

 

I will do this. Why am I so flippin' dense that I can't see?

[ThatJustHappened]

I will do this. Why am I so flippin' dense that I can't see?

 

Your heart needs to catch up to your brain. A lot of people here suffer from that...

[Heather1]

4 months is not a long time, but supposedly statistically IF I guy leaves it's quick & w/in 6 mos, probably because the m was over anyway & the A was just the out. If that's the case, his m was over awhile ago & you should step out so you aren't around for the emotional roller coaster, just wait for it to be over so they can be sure it's their M & not your A.

 

That's scenario #1. Now for scenario #2... You're being set up to be in a LTA so he can stay m'd, & he will if he has both of you & you accidentally sign up for it. He might not even think that way now & may truly be on the fence, but he will.

 

Either way, if you see a future now's the time to skip out & increase the chances. W/ you in the picture, he's going to pick "both"

[2sunny]

I'd get confirmation from his wife that he told her all about you.

 

I'd bet money he didn't.

 

MM lie... Ya know? It works in their favor - especially when you believe their lies.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Faith and guilt got the best of him -- he walked away again today saying he can't keep sinning and has to face the facts and mend his marriage or he'll never forgive himself. And said what you all said -- that he did wrong by everyone and is clearly not worth the love. He offered to see if his wife would talk to me when I asked if she really knew everything. But what's the point?

 

Numbers and emails deleted, Facebook unfriended. Now to untangle the social stuff. The hurt is rolling again tonight. I hoped...but I knew. I'll hope for better for myself going forward.

[Tara247]

Faith and guilt got the best of him -- he walked away again today saying he can't keep sinning and has to face the facts and mend his marriage or he'll never forgive himself. And said what you all said -- that he did wrong by everyone and is clearly not worth the love. He offered to see if his wife would talk to me when I asked if she really knew everything. But what's the point?

 

Numbers and emails deleted, Facebook unfriended. Now to untangle the social stuff. The hurt is rolling again tonight. I hoped...but I knew. I'll hope for better for myself going forward.

 

Wow! What a scumbag! Talk about flip-flopping on you. A nightmare. Stay strong, OnceMore.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

How long does the anger stage last? I'm fighting every urge to scream right now. He's worthless and I'm an IDIOT.

[veryhappy]

Is he into religion? That makes it even more unlikely for someone to leave.

 

You're not stupid, and he is worthless. Anger is good, it helps you move on. Don't contact him or her - you might feel that you want them to hurt too.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Yes, very religious growing up, but drifted away some in more recent years. I guess this whole thing was his mid-life-crisis way of getting back there. But anyway, enough rationalizing.

 

My weak self just went by his fb page once more before blocking him -- today he changed his profile pic to Van Gogh's Old Man in Sorrow on the Threshold of Eternity. Glad to see he's feeling it, too. Goodbye to him.

[robf1971]

I'd get confirmation from his wife that he told her all about you.

 

I'd bet money he didn't.

 

MM lie... Ya know? It works in their favor - especially when you believe their lies.

 

The guys a player, honestly, I saw your post yesterday, some guy in the pub last night telling everyone about how he schtupped some other woman on his honeymoon made me want to reply. This is the mettle of the man that the OP is with, through and through.

 

All her MM wants is a genital connection not an emotional connection... The OP needs to get some self respect and realise that she is higher value than this.

[RickFox]

The anger phase lasts for quite a while, use it to your advantage.

[2sure]

His wife doesn't know a thing by the way. You would know if she did.

[Tenacity]

Faith and guilt got the best of him -- he walked away again today saying he can't keep sinning and has to face the facts and mend his marriage or he'll never forgive himself. And said what you all said -- that he did wrong by everyone and is clearly not worth the love. He offered to see if his wife would talk to me when I asked if she really knew everything. But what's the point?

 

Numbers and emails deleted, Facebook unfriended. Now to untangle the social stuff. The hurt is rolling again tonight. I hoped...but I knew. I'll hope for better for myself going forward.

 

Uggghh... I hate men who do this.

 

Just be glad it wasn't years instead of 4 months before he walked away the first time from you, and that his walking away again after asking for a "second chance" happened so quickly instead of another several months or years later (which is what happened to me). Whatever you do... do NOT fall for any more back and forth garbage from this man. What you see now is what you will always get.

 

Regarding his facebook avatar... too bad, so sad. He made his choice. He has his W at home to comfort his sorry butt. He doesn't get to have it both ways at the expensive of your life.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

 

But, it was only 4 months....not enough time to truly invest in him. Shouldn't be hard "untangling" the social part.... stop hanging out with married man when their wives aren't present.

 

Our social ties are from being part of a tight-knit political (yeah maybe that explains the integrity issue) circle. Most of the married ones (including him) have spouses who aren't into that thing at all. It's a passion for us both, and how we got pulled together in the first place, but I guess one of us will have to quit entirely.

[MourningLosses]

I think who misses who really comes down to who ended it and if they ended it for love (whether ending the A for love of the W or the M for love of the OW). If the OW ends it sure the MM will hurt. But if he ends it and because he loves his wife then I don't think he thinks of the OW at all. Most Mm are extremely good at conpartmentalizing. Once they have *really* committed to the wife they will demonize the OW, and bond over hating her. It's mean and unfair and I think that's what he did to me.

 

I think he really loved me and loved her differently (no passion) but at the end of it he loved her enough to cut me off. And to recommit he had to hate me with her. So no, I really doubt he's thinking of me or missing me. I think he really just wishes I would go away and not exist so he wasn't reminded.

 

I guess he really loves her platonically enough to fear losing her. Whether that's for the kids or not knowing what life with a wife and ex wife would be like- we can never know.

 

I do know that he inflicted a lot of pain. He could have just told me he wasn't interested.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Something I'm trying to face in these words: That yes, MM made and broke promises to me. But in reality, he had no right to make those promises, since they had already been made to another. I can hurt all I want and he could have genuinely wanted those things to come true, but the fact is they were null and void even before he made them. And I chose to believe.

 

I would hope MM's marriage going forward isn't cozy. I hope he's committed to the work of making up for the devastation and making things better, all while atoning for his own guilt. I know that's what I'm doing. I'm choosing to believe that it's not that he goes off to something comfortable while I'm left with nothing. Instead, we've had a forced reset and are going back to the lives we had before we met, but as changed people.

Edited November 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tenacity]

Something I'm trying to face in these words: That yes, MM made and broke promises to me. But in reality, he had no right to make those promises, since they had already been made to another. I can hurt all I want and he could have genuinely wanted those things to come true, but the fact is they were null and void even before he made them. And I chose to believe.

 

This is exactly right. It's what I had to come to terms with too. It's the only reason I ended up pulling myself out of the horrible pain and depression that was eating me alive for all that time after he went back to his W. I had to own my part in it. I wanted to believe his promises and I actively chose to.

 

I would hope MM's marriage going forward isn't cozy. I hope he's committed to the work of making up for the devastation and making things better, all while atoning for his own guilt. I know that's what I'm doing. I'm choosing to believe that it's not that he goes off to something comfortable while I'm left with nothing. Instead, we've had a forced reset and are going back to the lives we had before we met, but as changed people.

 

This is very well said. I know there are people who want to believe that the ex-MM goes back to his M without a thought or care in the world to the ex-OW. That may be true some of the time but it isn't universally true.

 

I didn't meant to imply his life was easy now. I know through many other people (mutual friends) what he is going through right now, and it is neither easy nor cozy. From your story I suspect the same is true in your case.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

I didn't meant to imply his life was easy now. I know through many other people (mutual friends) what he is going through right now, and it is neither easy nor cozy. From your story I suspect the same is true in your case.

 

Yep, I've heard the same, from the mutual friend who knows our story -- who he asked to look out for me right now...

 

That you can have gotten it together after going through this for a lot longer than me gives me hope. I know it's a long road, but at least we aren't alone.

[Tenacity]

Yep, I've heard the same, from the mutual friend who knows our story -- who he asked to look out for me right now...

 

That you can have gotten it together after going through this for a lot longer than me gives me hope. I know it's a long road, but at least we aren't alone.

 

Believe me, you WILL get through it. I can tell from your posts that you are a strong woman. You will come out okay, and even stronger for it. If you ever want to talk off the forum just send me a PM or let me know.

[veryhappy]

Tenacity, I'm sorry to see this man putting you trough hell again. Tell him to grow up and get a divorce. I could see exMM coming around in a few years to see if I'm "in a better place" for a friendship because "my soul is so important to him". The quotes are from his response to my do not contact me or else message. They don't get it. They don't get the hurt they are causing.

 

I say send him some divorce lawyer contacts in his area and be done with it. Close friendship lol.

[Tenacity]

Jack away -- it gets my mind off my own crap!

 

I truly don't expect xMM (that's the first time I've been willing to put the x in front...progress?) to break NC. But if he does, I sure hope I have your resolve. You might have to give me lessons

 

He called today using the phone of one of our staff, someone I regularly talk to regarding the business. I picked up not knowing it was him.

 

I said very little. He sounded like hell. Just said he was sorry and this was his lot in life. Said he missed me more than he can express and hopes that someday I will understand that it was not about picking the person he wanted to be with but doing what he had to do. I said whatever and hung up. What a bunch of crap. Too bad he didn't think of that years ago.

 

Really don't feel anything. It changed nothing. I'm still alone and he is still with her. The one thing I do know is that I am done with relationships with men. I will be with myself; there is no one else who ultimately can be trusted to be true to me except myself. These forums have proved that to me.

[veryhappy]

Tenacity, he's a sad, weak man. Nothing you can do about it, except not get into his game.

[SunsetRed]

That's kind of how me relationship ended. Well, actually, my xMM put the ball in my court and said "she's begging me to come back, I don't want to, but part of me feels like I need to, so my kids can stay in their home."

 

He then said "help me decide which way to go"

 

I let him go back to the wife. He was going to go back to her anyway and was just trying to let himself off the hook by putting it on me.

 

PLUS, I wont fight a wife, or an exwife either as a matter of fact. As soon as a man I'm dating starts lamenting over the "Mother of his kids" and reminiscing over her and putting her on a pedestal, its time for me to leave.

 

I don't want to date someone and have to be constantly competing with his idea of what he lost. I don't want it constantly hanging over my head that this other woman will pull something or do something to take him from me.

 

So..you did the rt thing to let him go. When a man really wants a divorce, he makes it happen. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce and its men who make up that 50%, so some men do get divorced, if they want to.

 

Not that I want to be the cause of a divorce because that's bad for my karma, but if his marriage is really that bad, he'll get the divorce regardless of me and if he was single again for the right reasons, then I'd want to be w him.

 

Anyway, some of my own issues are coming up in this post, but just wanted to say..you did the right thing

[thomasb]

 

That said, although you are going through a great deal of pain yourself, you need to understand it isn't even a fraction of the amount of pain you have put your OW through. She gave her heart to you and believed you. In the end, she has to somehow accept that you chose your wife over her. (I used this wording with my ex-MM and he would say.... "Please please understand, it's not about me CHOOSING her over you or loving her more because I don't!") He would beg me to believe him.

 

And you know what, because of all that he had said and done and how things were, I DID believe that and still do. But it doesn't MATTER. He still broke my heart and went back to his wife and broke his promises to me and left me alone while he went right back to having a cozy wife and marriage. He never went through the pain and loneliness of not being chosen by the one he loved, of being left by that person despite their promises. He just went back to his old life and left me to be alone.

 

He should NOT have made me promises that he ended up not keeping. Especially if I was supposedly loved more than his wife. Ultimately he's with her now, even though he's not happy. But after debilitating painful months that I almost didn't recover from, I had to accept that yes, his wife won over me because that's where he CHOSE to be. So she was more important to him, despite all the things he said to me. His actions said way more than all the words. I'm sure that's what your ex-OW must be going through right now. It is pure hell.

 

 

What I find odd is the OWs outrage over their pain from the MMs broken promises when they were complicit in him breaking greater promises called vows with his wife. You knew he wasn't keeping those promises. What made you think you were so much more special than his own wife and family? That it was okay for him to lie to them, but not to you?