Pierre Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 After saying he was ending it, after saying he was sure he was leaving for the right reasons -- that the marriage wasn't salvageable, not because of the A. After telling her every detail -- including all the I love you's, all the promises made... Take home message: Words like that coming from a confirmed dishonest deceiving man mean $hit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 If what I said doesn't resonate with the OP she can ignore and take what applies in her situation. She did say it's possible he may feel the way that ThomasB did. That's all I was saying. I just thought it could be dangerous for her to believe that it's all fake and going to implode and he will come running to find her. That's staying stuck whereas she should empower herself to not look back, leave them and their marriage in the past where it belongs. TBT, it definitely resonates to some extent. Based on him asking a friend to look out for me , I do think he still cares. But he's making every effort to disconnect and blaze past this quickly and fully back into his M. While that's hard for me to understand because I know how I felt with him, I can't say if it's right or wrong. It's just how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 Take home message: Words like that coming from a confirmed dishonest deceiving man mean $hit. I'm telling myself that every day, Pierre. Therapy is showing me that I have deep-seated abandonment/emotional availability issues on my shoulders, and unfortunately his words hit right at the core, even back when we were still in the friend zone and not into obvious affair. And of course those words turned into "I love you's" and "I'm not going anywhere's" and other promises, which pulled me all in. Those were words my heart longed to hear, and so I ignored that they were from the wrong kind of person. Hell, I had myself convinced he was being honest with himself for the first time! Funny, very funny. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 TBT, it definitely resonates to some extent. Based on him asking a friend to look out for me , I do think he still cares. But he's making every effort to disconnect and blaze past this quickly and fully back into his M. While that's hard for me to understand because I know how I felt with him, I can't say if it's right or wrong. It's just how it is. I am sorry. But maybe it helps to know that people out there care too or wouldn't post. I find it curious that those that want to peg down people's pasts or motivations for posting and can't believe there are people out there who just want others to not be in pain and not invite those things which are a sure path to pain. Why I will jump on is if I happen to see posts that when the MM decides to go back many ow will paint "all" MM with the same broad brush that they paint others with in saying that the marriage doesn't mean anything as if that bring comfort. Maybe it does bring comfort. Personally I don't see how it could, because it could be altering reality and what comfort does that really bring? Because no matter what, pain included I want to live my life with authenticity. I don't want "fake" and I would think there may be others like that too, that don't want the sugar coated bs to move on but want to know what it is. It seems you fall into that category and I think if you allow healing to come it really will. There's something fundamentally wrong with him for him to choose to cheat instead of work on problems within the marriage. That much you know and can hopefully move on from. There are decent guys out there that won't cheat, I find it equally curious how it's all painted that anyone can and most will etc...it's not the option if things get hard in a marriage, there's no excuse, it's all a choice when it comes down to it. So if you have good boundaries the chances that you're inviting pain in becomes that much slimmer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 I just realized I'll be seeing him in 12 days. Convention, group meeting...oh boy. At least I should be able to keep busy. I just need to stay on the other side of the room. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I'm telling myself that every day, Pierre. Therapy is showing me that I have deep-seated abandonment/emotional availability issues on my shoulders, and unfortunately his words hit right at the core, even back when we were still in the friend zone and not into obvious affair. And of course those words turned into "I love you's" and "I'm not going anywhere's" and other promises, which pulled me all in. Those were words my heart longed to hear, and so I ignored that they were from the wrong kind of person. Hell, I had myself convinced he was being honest with himself for the first time! Funny, very funny. You will be fine. Life can be difficult, but now you have learned a lot in a very short time. I have to tell you that you sound like a magnificent woman and the right guy will soon come along. I also have to warn you: You said: words my heart longed to hear That is the root of your problem. You were seeking external validation and women like that are easy prey to players. These men instantly know what to say. I have personally tested the method and it works like a charm in women that seek external validation. However, the same words do nothing for women that are intrinsically happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 You will be fine. Life can be difficult, but now you have learned a lot in a very short time. I have to tell you that you sound like a magnificent woman and the right guy will soon come along. I also have to warn you: You said: words my heart longed to hear That is the root of your problem. You were seeking external validation and women like that are easy prey to players. These men instantly know what to say. I have personally tested the method and it works like a charm in women that seek external validation. However, the same words do nothing for women that are intrinsically happy. Yes, exactly right. I know the problems (finally) and will be working hard on making myself more whole once I snap out of this dang grief stage. Lesson learned the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 You can't snap out of the grief. You will grieve. Don't even try snapping out. Try accepting he won't be in your life by his choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Moderation attempted to clean up as much of the thread jacking and inflammatory content while retaining discussion relevant to the thread starter's topic. Due to the time invested in cleaning it up and multiple off-topic excursions, this thread is reinstated at Stage Three. Continue to work the thread starter's issues relevant to the topic of the MM making his decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 Moderation attempted to clean up as much of the thread jacking and inflammatory content while retaining discussion relevant to the thread starter's topic. Due to the time invested in cleaning it up and multiple off-topic excursions, this thread is reinstated at Stage Three. Continue to work the thread starter's issues relevant to the topic of the MM making his decision. William, can you explain to me what Stage Three means, or point me to where I can understand better? FWIW, I found some benefit in the tangents the conversation took. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 Yes, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabe82 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Oh honey. I wish I can magic words for ya, but I don't. I don't think he's really someone for you. I wasn't ok being a secret. I told Billy (my boyfriend) that I wasn't gonna be sneaking around or nothing. He moved out and filed for divorce. I'm happy to say his divorce is final and we are dating. If a guy wants to hide you, it's not a long term thing. Don't you settle for less. You deserve the best!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Oh honey. I wish I can magic words for ya, but I don't. I don't think he's really someone for you. I wasn't ok being a secret. I told Billy (my boyfriend) that I wasn't gonna be sneaking around or nothing. He moved out and filed for divorce. I'm happy to say his divorce is final and we are dating. If a guy wants to hide you, it's not a long term thing. Don't you settle for less. You deserve the best!! This is how is done girls! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 2 weeks today, in full-out anger mode. So last week (on Thanksgiving) I slipped and sent him a text -- very much kicking myself for that one. Last night his W sent me an email asking why I did that and we had a pretty intense back and forth for awhile. At one point she said how xMM and I had both made the right choice by choosing to end this, so I clarified that ending it was not my choice -- that just hours before ending it he was talking about finding his own place and our future together and his goodbye hit out of nowhere -- and because of that I'm still confused and trying my best to let go. I guess that was news to her, and she was extremely gracious after that point. We're still planning to meet next week -- as long as I don't misdirect any of this hurt onto her, I still think it'll be a good talk. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 2 weeks today, in full-out anger mode. So last week (on Thanksgiving) I slipped and sent him a text -- very much kicking myself for that one. Last night his W sent me an email asking why I did that and we had a pretty intense back and forth for awhile. At one point she said how xMM and I had both made the right choice by choosing to end this, so I clarified that ending it was not my choice -- that just hours before ending it he was talking about finding his own place and our future together and his goodbye hit out of nowhere -- and because of that I'm still confused and trying my best to let go. I guess that was news to her, and she was extremely gracious after that point. We're still planning to meet next week -- as long as I don't misdirect any of this hurt onto her, I still think it'll be a good talk. It sounds like you explained why you were hurting so much, and his wife responded graciously. You have it exactly right about not misdirecting the hurt onto her and I think if you can continue to not do that, it will be fine. My own discussion with the BW was useful for both of us, even if it wasn't pleasant (just hearing things we didn't want to hear). As to sending the message, just kick yourself enough to stop yourself from doing it again, but also make sure to show compassion to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Well scratch that, she wrote again tonight to cancel on me. She said she's not ready and I don't have to worry about her contact me again. I was actually hoping a meeting would help us both Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 Well scratch that, she wrote again tonight to cancel on me. She said she's not ready and I don't have to worry about her contact me again. I was actually hoping a meeting would help us both It's probably too hard and too soon for her. Hearing what her H said to you when he was supposed to be ending it might have led to some new really hard feelings for her. She seems very gracious and nice, as do you. I do think that they will work through this, however they choose to do it. I'm sorry OMWF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 She seems very kind. Even in her pain, she apologized to me of all people. I still would like xMM raked over the coals a bit. But I want her to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 Oh trust me, he'll be going through hell making it up to her. All you can do is leave them alone, and not engage with him if he contacts you to resume. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 Well scratch that, she wrote again tonight to cancel on me. She said she's not ready and I don't have to worry about her contact me again. I was actually hoping a meeting would help us both I know you were looking to this meeting for a turning point or closure and am sorry that it won't happen that way. I think Tenacity is right, that his W sounds kind and there is no reason to not believe her - that she isn't ready. I don't think that the W cancelled because you are unapologetic. I just think it is really early days in the healing process from everything one reads on the Infidelity forum, and her emotions probably change too much right now for her to know what she will feel like on any future day. In any case, as I said earlier, I do think what you need to move on comes internally, and it can take some time even though you may want it to happen sooner. Try to accept all that you are feeling as part of the healing process, keep striving to fill your time with positive things, but accept that you also have to grieve for the R that you wanted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 2 weeks today, in full-out anger mode. So last week (on Thanksgiving) I slipped and sent him a text -- very much kicking myself for that one. Last night his W sent me an email asking why I did that and we had a pretty intense back and forth for awhile. At one point she said how xMM and I had both made the right choice by choosing to end this, so I clarified that ending it was not my choice -- that just hours before ending it he was talking about finding his own place and our future together and his goodbye hit out of nowhere -- and because of that I'm still confused and trying my best to let go. I guess that was news to her, and she was extremely gracious after that point. We're still planning to meet next week -- as long as I don't misdirect any of this hurt onto her, I still think it'll be a good talk. See bold: Words coming out of the mouth of cheating men are worthless. Did you get that? Nevertheless, I am certain those words cause her pain to be be 10 times worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 OP if you still are willing to met with her sometime in the future...and yes that time might come, just be aware there is no reason to spare the her by not telling her the answers to any questions she might ask. Right now she is probably on the roller coaster that many of us ride the hell out of after d-day. I have to say your willingness to met with her and be truthful about not being the one to end the affair is commendable. If she chooses never to contact you again, be prepared to find healing on your own. I told her to please let me know if she ever changes her mind. And no plans to spare her any details if she asks -- but it's up to her to ask. Until then I guess it's their decision, their business. I don't want to trigger her any further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 In any case, as I said earlier, I do think what you need to move on comes internally, and it can take some time even though you may want it to happen sooner. Try to accept all that you are feeling as part of the healing process, keep striving to fill your time with positive things, but accept that you also have to grieve for the R that you wanted. I needed this message today. Thank you. I guess I keep pushing myself to feel better and it's not coming, which makes me all the more down. I need to be more patient and let time do its job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 So you are saying that she SHOULDN'T have been honest with the wife? Isn't the usual advice to tell all? This confuses me. Tell and you'll hurt her-Don't tell and you'll hurt her. This is why I say just stay out of it, and never talk to the wife, because no matter what, whatever you say will be wrong. I suspect most BWs want to know what romantic words the cheating H said to the AP. But, I am also certain it will hurt to hear all those words. I am sure the pain of the BW got much deeper. There is no other way around it" Curiosity killed the cat. However, at the same time the OW needed to get these things off her chest and I don't blame her for that. She is probably as baffled as the BW by trusting this man. The words mean nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 Having been the BS myself, I never felt the need to meet the OW. What good would it do? We both loved the same man. He was the one who decided who to have a relationship with. He was the one who decided whether to be faithful to me or not. I could see nothing productive about the two of us meeting. That is quite true. In the end the OW was simply the person that was available at the right moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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