Should I ever bother with her again? Those who have experienced abuse might tell me

[Darren123]

I'm wondering if I can get some advice and opinions concerning a situation I currently find myself in.

 

I'm in my late 20s. I started casually seeing a girl over a year ago, Sinead, who I've known since I was very young, and she's the same age as me. She has a very young child with a black Muslim man, Michael. Back when we started going out a lot together over a year ago, she told me that he cheated on her when she was pregnant and that they were no longer together. She told me that he was very violent towards her and that he only ever comes to her apartment to pick up or mind their child a few times during the week.

 

In the past year, being involved with her, a lot of events have occurred, some of which I must tell you in order to paint a picture of what's been going on in the background.

 

He has been violent with her on several occasions, at her apartment (he doesn't live there). I would pick her up, many times in the middle of the night, and console her, give her advice and look after her. One night after he bruised her, after throwing her around the apartment, her mother called the police. The police showed up at her apartment and Sinead told them that nothing happened. She then rang me and cursed her mother for "causing trouble" by involving the police. On another occasion after Michael flipped out on her, I accompanied Sinead to the police station where she finally made a statement, but never carried through with getting a barring order or a prosecution. It seems like every month or so there is a big event where Michael goes nuts, but Sinead never does anything about it.

 

Michael threatened Sinead and told her he would take their son out of the country and she'd never see him again (I don't know why) - perhaps because she told him that I might be her son's step father one day and this really pissed him off.

 

I received threatening phone calls from Michael on several occasions where he threatened to slit my throat if I went near his child.

 

What amazes me is that after all of this, she said that she loved the man "in a sick way". She told me that she would never be with him again, and we continued to go out. I was possibly stupid to be involved with her, knowing that she was still allowing this maniac into her apartment, but I have to say: I did like her. We both eventually told each other that we had feelings for each other, and it was looking like something resembling a solid relationship might be on the horizon. She told me that she wanted Michael in her son's life. Both myself and Sinead didn't know our biological fathers, something which really bothers her, and so I can understand her wanting her son to have his father in his life.

 

One night recently, I was out in town with Sinead and afterwards back at her place I finally encountered Michael, who according to Sinead just showed up at 6am. To cut a long story short, he assaulted me. The police were called. I made my statement and Michael made his and the story that he told directly contradicts mine and is a lie from top to bottom. He says that I was there threatening her, that she called him to come over, and when he did, I beat him up. But the thing that bothers me now is that Sinead has cancelled appointments to go to the police to make her statement. She has been going from blaming me for the whole thing, to saying crazy things to me in text messages that make no sense, to accusing me of planning the whole thing, to apologizing, and then back to blaming me again. She has also told me that she might even get back with him. She seems to be very screwed up mentally and emotionally. I have no idea what's really going on behind the scenes here: is she being threatened by him? Are they secretly together, and she's just not telling him that she was out with me? I really don't know.

 

Basically, she is annoyed at me, like she once was at her mother, for involving the police and "causing trouble". She is obviously very afraid of the man, but she obviously has a soft spot for him too since he is the father of her child, and she seemingly will let him away with anything, despite what he's put her through in the past, and despite his assault on me.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts on the whole matter. At the moment, Sinead and myself are not speaking, and my head is telling me to walk away forever, but of course the heart has to come into play too. I fell for the girl, and I genuinely love and care for her, at least as a friend, and I didn't want to lose her over something this stupid. But it appears as though she has sided with her abuser/the father of her child over me, perhaps because it is the safer option for her, or maybe because she loves him? She obviously relies on him for money for her apartment and for her child. She's trying to keep him sweet, so who knows what she says to him about me? She hasn't made her police statement yet, that's if she is going to make one, because she is obviously stuck between a rock and a hard place regarding what to do or say, or who's side to take.

 

Should I ever speak to her again? After all, I was the one who was always there for her when she needed me, when he was assaulting her etc in the past, and now that he has assaulted me (totally unprovoked I might add), she is seemingly siding with, or might side with him, instead of telling the truth about what happened. What do I do?

 

Thanks.

[Darren123]

"do you want Sinead to lie to the cops to get you aressted because Mike wants her to? My friend did these things to his ex and her friends... you need to run man. i know you love her, but it is not worth it. you will find another girl, hopefully who has less drama."

 

I agree with you that this has gone too far and that I need to get out of the situation now. Do you think in time she will see that she was wrong to go mad at me when I was the one who was assaulted? I didn't do anything except be good to her and be there for her? Where's her decency?

 

Also, how could I be arrested? He was arrested for his assault on me and in his statement, his story directly contradicts mine. He's not pressing charges however as far as I'm aware. I'd have to be arrested. The police are happy that he assaulted me. We have the injuries, the hospital report etc. Texts from Sinead that verify my side of the story. And the police said that when they showed up on the night, there were no bruises or marks on him and that neither he or Sinead said anything like what he finally said in his statement a month later.

[pteromom]

I agree with you that this has gone too far and that I need to get out of the situation now. Do you think in time she will see that she was wrong to go mad at me when I was the one who was assaulted? I didn't do anything except be good to her and be there for her? Where's her decency?

 

 

The issue is you are expecting her to think like you do, when she obviously has some very big emotional issues she needs to work on. She's messed up and confused, and DEFINITELY not ready for any type of mature relationship.

 

You should move on, sadly.

[Darren123]

The issue is you are expecting her to think like you do, when she obviously has some very big emotional issues she needs to work on. She's messed up and confused, and DEFINITELY not ready for any type of mature relationship.

 

You should move on, sadly.

 

Do you think she will make a statement? If she does, and tells the truth, she has to deal with his wrath. But if she says what he said in his statement, it's going to come out in court and it means that I will never ever ever speak to her again. What he said in his statement is so outrageous (and can be proven to be untrue), that I don't think she can go along with that either.

[pteromom]

I have no idea what she will do. If she is truly scared of him, it's possible she will just side with him.