Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Thanks for all your advice. Telling her I cheated, even if we aren't official, would end the relationship. I know this to be true. She will not forgive nor ever trust me again. Frankly, maybe that is what I deserve. Not telling her and never doing it again, and I can assure you I won't because I will always remember this feeling, is worth SOME guilt if I do not lose her. I have some thinking to do. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Hrm... YOu didn't answer my questions. :-) Being an honest person won't win you friends, but it will make you feel better about screwing up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness I'll play the Deeveel's advocate and fight for the righteous p.o.v. :-P I also have some questions first: 1. did you use a condom? If you didn't, then you should def. tell her. STD are a bad suprise. 2. Would you want her to tell you if she f*cked someone else? 3. Why do you not think that she has a right to know that you messed up? Not telling someone is the same thing as lying to them. Secrets that could hurt someone are not secrets; they are lies. Thats a sh*tty thing to found a good relationship on, don't you think? 4. Would she tell you if she did the same thing? 1. No. I don't have any symptoms but will probably get checked just to be safe. 2. No, not if she felt this bad and would never do it again. Some things are better left unsaid. 3. It's not that I don't think she doesn't have the right to know. It's that once I do tell her, the relationship will end. I know I will never do this again. I would rather blow my brains out than risk hurting her. A secret is only a lie if you are asked and do not tell. If she asks me, then I definitely have to tell her and it's over. 4. She would and then we'd break up. If I tell her, she will never trust me and leave me. If I do not tell her, my punishment is the guilt I have racked up which I think will be with me for a very, VERY long time. Enough to never make me think about doing this again. Perhaps this is GOD's way of teaching me a very valuable lesson. Don't screw around on the greatest gift he ever gave me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness Hrm... YOu didn't answer my questions. :-) Being an honest person won't win you friends, but it will make you feel better about screwing up. I don't deserve to feel better. At least not right now. But given she wont' commit to me, I SORT OF (not a justification mind you) feel that had something to do with what happend. I won't be drinking anymore. Drinking causes my judgement to go awry. If she commits to a relationship and we can work the religious thing out, I want to ask her to marry me. This is the only woman I could ever imagine me being with for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 I'd wish you luck, but I believe that people make their own. Karma is a b*tch, sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness I'd wish you luck, but I believe that people make their own. Karma is a b*tch, sometimes. Gee thanks. Remember, she won't commit to me yet. Won't call me her boyfriend. Won't say she loves me. She's not even sold on me being the right guy for her due to my difference in opinion in regards to religion. And maybe I am not. But I have never loved someone as much as I love her. Maybe it doesn't work out, but if I tell her, the relationship will end. Right now, she wants to try to see if we can make things work and so do I. It won't happen again. The KARMA that is the biggest b*tch is the guilt I have to live with. And maybe a bit of this is the KARMA she got for (up to now at least) stringing me along and not telling me she cares about me, loves me or even considers me a boyfriend. Perhaps if she had, I would have been less likely to get drunk and do something stupid. If she would only commit to me..... In the beginning, she told me that "physically" she was ready for a relationship but not "mentally". I sort of felt like a piece of meat. But at least what she told me yesterday has given me faith that she is willing to give it a chance. That's something I don't want to risk. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Alright... Maybe I was a bit harsh. However, if you told her, At least you would allow her the power of making a decision. When you with hold your truth, you are making her decisions for her. And maybe a bit of this is the KARMA she got for (up to now at least) stringing me along and not telling me she cares about me, loves me or even considers me a boyfriend. You know, I appreciate that statement. I've had similar thoughts in my head; I won't deny it. But, two wrongs don't make a right. You have to admit, other people don't and shouldn't make your decisions for you. She didn't force you to go out there and sleep with someone else. Regardless of WHY you did it, you still did it. Ya know, I'm not a Christian myself; I haven't been since I was 15. . So, maybe some of the nuances of the Christian religions are over my head. However, it strikes me as odd that someone who is involved in an organized religion that preaches abstinance would go out and break a commandment. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that she sounds really confused. Perhaps that fact in itself is MORE important then what she says or what you all do together. I haven't always had a black and white view of what is wrong, and what is right. It took me a long time to sort through all of that. Maybe she is going through the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness Alright... Maybe I was a bit harsh. However, if you told her, At least you would allow her the power of making a decision. When you with hold your truth, you are making her decisions for her. You know, I appreciate that statement. I've had similar thoughts in my head; I won't deny it. But, two wrongs don't make a right. To that, I agree with you. However, admitting my mistake is guaranteed to throw the entire relationship away. And unless you truly understand how much I love this woman, you can not grasp how desperate I am keep her. Losing her would destroy me beyond repair. Telling her would give her the power to continue or end the relationship, but given the loss of trust, things would never be the same. And I highly doubt she would forgive me. I can assure you this will never happen again. The mental anguish over this is more pain than I could have ever imagined. I cried over it last night. I grieved. I NEVER cry.... You have to admit, other people don't and shouldn't make your decisions for you. She didn't force you to go out there and sleep with someone else. Regardless of WHY you did it, you still did it. I'm not proud of it. I am disgusted with myself and feel I don't deserve someone as beautiful inside as she is. Ya know, I'm not a Christian myself; I haven't been since I was 15. . So, maybe some of the nuances of the Christian religions are over my head. However, it strikes me as odd that someone who is involved in an organized religion that preaches abstinance would go out and break a commandment. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that she sounds really confused. Perhaps that fact in itself is MORE important then what she says or what you all do together. I haven't always had a black and white view of what is wrong, and what is right. It took me a long time to sort through all of that. Maybe she is going through the same thing. You are not the first to bring this up. I even brought it up to her the other night. I think when I did, it caused her to look at things from a different perspective. She is confused, agreed. I am confused, agreed. But telling her won't solve anything, it will only cause further confusion. I will never do it again, isn't that enough??? This is a lesson I have learned through some extreme mental anguish. Given that we're not official yet, I can say that it's not really cheating if she says we're not B/F-G/F, if I had to get technical. But it still doesn't make me feel good. What this has taught me is: 1. I love her more than I thought I did. 2. I need to quit drinking. 3. Cheating is stupid. 4. Cheating causes a lot more pain than I had realized. 5. Guilt is a powerful punishment. Live, learn, and don't repeat the same mistakes in life..... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 ConfusedinOC, dont you think YOU would be selfish in telling her? Since it would ONLY relieve your guilt? Yet, she would be the one hurting? Also remember there was no formal commmitment. You two are just close friends. How do you know she hasn't slept with anyone else? It was a mistake, let it go. When you start thinking about it, tell yourself you did a dumb thing and you learned from your experience. Dwelling on the past will prevent you from reaching for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 You know, you have to make the right decisions for you. That's what everything boils down to. Personally, I live by what I preach. The reason I do this is because I've lived and learned. Honesty is MY best policy. I'm just trying to give you my perspective. You don't need me to O.K. your decisions. You are the one who has to live with them. Personally, I couldn't live with myself if I lied to some one I loved. I'd rather fess up and take my punishment. That way, I don't have to deal with unresolved karma. This is not an idea that came to me initially. I had to learn it the hard way. I found that that when you mess up, (however you messed up) people will have more respect for you if you just tell them. Otherwise, you will be a cheater and a lier. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelebek Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Like someone else said, you sound so genuine that it melts the heart. I know the guilt you speak of, and you're right - it is gut wrenching. Absolutely horrible, you want to rip yourself to shreds because you feel so disgusting...I've been there. However - I didn't go the entire way...I'm totally not judging you at all, believe me, but please get checked. For her sake. There are so many silent STD's (no symptoms) like Chlamydia, which is so bloody common and hopefully this other girl hasn't got pregnant? Get yourself checked out. Don't beat yourself up - and if I were you, I wouldn't tell her. (Unless it turns out you have caught an STD.) Your guilt is punishment enough. Telling her would make both of you miserable, now tell me, what is the point in that. This may sound so cynical to some people, and I'm sorry. I agree with you YellowLioness, in that I wouldn't like to lie to someone I loved. But if I knew I'd never do it again, I really would rather omit the bad information and keep them with me. I know it's selfish, I'm aware of that. But I'm human, I'm not perfect. I just think that someone as clearly remorseful as you, ConfusedinOC, should just thank their lucky stars they weren't caught, and quietly move on with their life. And needless to say, don't do it again. You've only got one life man, one chance - just ask her to be your girlfriend. Don't waste time. Everybody makes mistakes, don't think that this one mistake makes you unworthy of her...she's a human being too who has no doubt made mistakes. It isn't the worst thing for a human to do - you aren't evil! And what's more, she hasn't found out, so as of yet, you haven't caused her any hurt. You CAN protect her from that hurt, so like I said just move on, and forget this happened. That's if you can keep this from someone you love...and you know you HAVE to, in order to keep HER. Can you live with that? I think I would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by Kelebek Like someone else said, you sound so genuine that it melts the heart. I know the guilt you speak of, and you're right - it is gut wrenching. Absolutely horrible, you want to rip yourself to shreds because you feel so disgusting...I've been there. However - I didn't go the entire way...I'm totally not judging you at all, believe me, but please get checked. For her sake. There are so many silent STD's (no symptoms) like Chlamydia, which is so bloody common and hopefully this other girl hasn't got pregnant? Get yourself checked out. Don't beat yourself up - and if I were you, I wouldn't tell her. (Unless it turns out you have caught an STD.) Your guilt is punishment enough. Telling her would make both of you miserable, now tell me, what is the point in that. This may sound so cynical to some people, and I'm sorry. I agree with you YellowLioness, in that I wouldn't like to lie to someone I loved. But if I knew I'd never do it again, I really would rather omit the bad information and keep them with me. I know it's selfish, I'm aware of that. But I'm human, I'm not perfect. I just think that someone as clearly remorseful as you, ConfusedinOC, should just thank their lucky stars they weren't caught, and quietly move on with their life. And needless to say, don't do it again. You've only got one life man, one chance - just ask her to be your girlfriend. Don't waste time. Everybody makes mistakes, don't think that this one mistake makes you unworthy of her...she's a human being too who has no doubt made mistakes. It isn't the worst thing for a human to do - you aren't evil! And what's more, she hasn't found out, so as of yet, you haven't caused her any hurt. You CAN protect her from that hurt, so like I said just move on, and forget this happened. That's if you can keep this from someone you love...and you know you HAVE to, in order to keep HER. Can you live with that? I think I would. I can.....and thank you. Over time, I will live with this and be OK. But I love her so much that I would do anything to keep her and would never be able to live with myself if I hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness You know, you have to make the right decisions for you. That's what everything boils down to. Personally, I live by what I preach. The reason I do this is because I've lived and learned. Honesty is MY best policy. I'm just trying to give you my perspective. You don't need me to O.K. your decisions. You are the one who has to live with them. Personally, I couldn't live with myself if I lied to some one I loved. I'd rather fess up and take my punishment. That way, I don't have to deal with unresolved karma. This is not an idea that came to me initially. I had to learn it the hard way. I found that that when you mess up, (however you messed up) people will have more respect for you if you just tell them. Otherwise, you will be a cheater and a lier. I understand where you are coming from, but in this case, being honest destroys the relationship completely. If you loved someone as much as I love her, would you be willing the throw it all away because of one night of drunken stupidness just to be "honest"? Really, the minute she says "we're official", my life is changed for good. I have never lied to her before nor have I ever cheated. It's only been three months and we're so new into the relationship that I think we have time to recover. The KARMA you speak of is the guilt I am feeling right now, which is worse that I could have ever imagined.... Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 i hope everything woks out swell for you Link to post Share on other sites
Kelebek Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Me too I'm so glad you made this decision...telling her would cause unnecessary hurt. Good luck ConfusedinOC! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by Kelebek Me too I'm so glad you made this decision...telling her would cause unnecessary hurt. Good luck ConfusedinOC! Appreciate it! I can't thank you all enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Normally I would always advise people to be honest with one another in situations like this, but I see your situation as an exception. Technically speaking, you weren't committed to one another so what is there to tell? After the fact, she told you that she wanted to try to get things to work for you guys. So, from this point you you will be faithful. I think you feel so guilty because you love her so much and in your heart you feel you cheated on her. In your mind, you were comitted to her even though she wasn't to you. If you can live with yourself by not telling her and won't let it affect your relationship, then I would suggest you keep this to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by Leikela Normally I would always advise people to be honest with one another in situations like this, but I see your situation as an exception. Technically speaking, you weren't committed to one another so what is there to tell? After the fact, she told you that she wanted to try to get things to work for you guys. So, from this point you you will be faithful. I think you feel so guilty because you love her so much and in your heart you feel you cheated on her. In your mind, you were comitted to her even though she wasn't to you. If you can live with yourself by not telling her and won't let it affect your relationship, then I would suggest you keep this to yourself. This is exactly how I feel!! Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by Kelebek Me too I'm so glad you made this decision...telling her would cause unnecessary hurt. Good luck ConfusedinOC! Originally posted by Leikela Normally I would always advise people to be honest with one another in situations like this, but I see your situation as an exception. Technically speaking, you weren't committed to one another so what is there to tell? After the fact, she told you that she wanted to try to get things to work for you guys. So, from this point you you will be faithful. I think you feel so guilty because you love her so much and in your heart you feel you cheated on her. In your mind, you were comitted to her even though she wasn't to you. If you can live with yourself by not telling her and won't let it affect your relationship, then I would suggest you keep this to yourself. agreed agreed agreed good luck Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Good luck with it, all, dearie. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 lol.. you sound like that evil witch in SNOW WHITE.. lol.. dont ask why o.O Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 LOL! I'm only 23! ;-) I just like the term, "dearie." I have no idea why. :-) I sincerely wish the poor guy best of luck. People DO make their OWN luck, but I can tell perhaps he needs a boost. He's in a bad bind. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 lol.. dont feel too bad i wasnt saying you were old or anything.. im probably the youngest one here.. o.O .. im mature for my age anyways... and i look about 19 or 20 years old.. my bf says so too.. lol i say hunni.. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Well I can understand how you feel guilty and generally I go by "honesty is the best policy" but I vote to not tell her. You realize it was a mistake and you won't make it again. I do wonder though. You have only been together 3 months? I also find it a bit amusing and hypocritical of her to be so concerned about your compatibilty regarding religion yet she seems to have no problem bedding you. She must be real serious in her convictions :rollseyes:. In your mind you were both committed to each other or rather you were at least committed to her so it hurt you but in this case you weren't "officially dating" by her standards. Learn from this and move on with life. Also, go get checked out by a doctor dude...too many bad things swimming around these days. Link to post Share on other sites
mørkt selvmord Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 i agree with fritz Link to post Share on other sites
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