i"am trying with my husband

[teressa0397]

well here goes i"am trying with my husband way down deep inside he no"s i have had an affair but noing and not noing the real truth it could be compiicated; he doesn"t trust me he is all ways questiong me it never stop"s i try to avoid him an every way i can' i no it is my fault but he doesn"t touch me so i went looking for love i fell in love with my lover; now that is over; i"am tired of all the lie"s i"am tired of pain i"Am tired of hideing in place"s to see my lover but i love him it"s tearing me apart i have got used to being with out him but haven"t got used to it being over; i no my husband is hurting [ my lover"s girfriend kinds no"s about us but he lied his way out of it so his girfriend believes him' i think my lover should suffer too just the way we are i feel like i want to get even with him; i want him too hurt also; i"am haveing problem"s with this thing"S are so complicated with my life just because i had an affair for 9 year"s so does any one out there have the same problem how did you deal with it i need help; thanks all torn up

[jmargel]

Nope.. learn to live with your pain. You deserve too. Tell your husband, it's time for him to move onto better things as well.

[mr7man]

If you haven't read any of the many posts about infidelity yet, I suggest you do. Therein lies your answers. There pretty much all the same. Botton line: Infidelity is wrong and will always hurt someone. We are all imperfect and have weaknesses. In a perfect world, no one would cheat and we would all live happily ever after. Like my title suggests, NOW you're trying!? After 9yrs!? You should have tried back then, but I guess after 9yrs you finally have come to the understanding that you can't have it both ways. It WILL tear you up- it should. I'm not trying to bash you at all. I, too have been a victim of cheating and also have been a cheater, so I've been on both sides of the issue. People cheat for many of the same reasons- to fulfill a need that's not getting met at home. You need to identify all the things you are missing at home and also find out what your husband might be missing. This means 'communication.' You need to spend REGULAR time alone with your HB and talk- rediscover each other. Go out for a coffee and pie, a drink, a walk around the neighborhood, dinner or some sort of date nite. Raising kids wears on the togetherness of a couple. You become mom & dad and breadwinners and forget to be a couple. Remember long after the kids leave, you still need to be a couple. If the love has faded, re-visit the reasons why you fell in love in the first place. Look at some old pictures, revisit places you may have met at or went for a date, something to jumpstart your love. 9yrs can cause a person to change or evolve into a different person. Life's event's & stress alter people. You need to fall in love all over again. Court each other. Make your relationship new & fresh. write him love letters or leave him little love notes in his lunchbag or car or in his drawers. Be creative. This will take work, but keep it fun too. Anything worthwhile usually doesn't come easy. You say he doesn't touch you? Have you ever asked him why? This could more about what's going on inside him that what might be going on with you. I went through a period when my testosterone levels were way low causing many symptoms- lack of desire, depression, yadda yadda. But with treatment, the ol' self came back and then some. Do you ever touch him first to get things started? What is his reaction? Make him want you. Be sexy & seductive. I assume you've kept yourself up physically, since another man finds you attractive. If your HB is hurting then you will have to help him thru it and make a big effort to assure him that your love & loyalty is to him and him alone. You will need to do this everyday. And face it, we ALL need to feel loved and wanted & be told so everyday. I know it makes me feel good when my wife hugs me & kisses me for no apparent reason- to just say, " Hey, I Love you." If you end up talking and the subject of your affair comes up, face it head on and be honest- the truth will set you free. Getting caught in a lie will undermine what you are trying to fix. Yes, you cheated and you will have to let him know just how sorry you are, but he must also realize that he was part of the problem- obviously not meeting some need of yours. Yes, he should have met that need so you didn't feel you had to find it elsewhere, but did you ever try to communicate that need to him? My wife didn't and sought comfort in the arms of her lover. Her fault & my fault. Life is complicated enough without trying to live a dual life. If you still love your HB, dump the lover and pour yourself into making the remainder of your life together special- its never too late. Your best years may still be up ahead. My wife cheated 18yrs ago. Then I, in a moment of drunken weakness, feeling sorry for myself over an unmet need, cheated on her just recently. Anyway, It all came out into the open and we have decided to never NOT talk about a need we may have or an issue or feeling about something. If you really love each other, you will have to learn how to work past this and forgive each other and ultimately forgive yourself for making such a mess of things. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. My marriage has been tested on about every issue/level that one can be tested and yet it still survived. "For better or worse, till death do us part." Many say it, but few act on it. People might say that I might be one of the lucky ones. Yes, I am lucky, but I have made alot of my own luck by working hard at it. Trails in life say alot about the people involved. Some people have the mechanisms within themselves to handle problems, some need help. This is a humbling experience. Never be ashamed of asking for help- professional help. The fact that you are here is a good step. So roll up your sleeves... you have your work cut out. Good luck. Hope I gave you something you can use. You can't steal second with your foot on first. First decide which base your HB is on.

[teressa0397]

thank's for you advise; everything you said to me is correct ;_if i can get over this affair and get this man out of my soul mind and body i think i will be ok this affair has crumble my life; i'am trying with my husband i no it just take"s time and all scares to heal; thank"s again

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by jmargel

Nope.. learn to live with your pain. You deserve too. Tell your husband, it's time for him to move onto better things as well.

 

Jmargel, was that really even worth posting except to let us all know you're revelling in your own sense of smugness?

 

Theresa, your post is really hard to read.

 

Chances are he's suspicious of your mood-which may be indicative of how you aren't madly in love with him anymore. He knows somethings up, but not sure what (who wants to think inside their own head their spouse is cheating?)

 

 

If you don't want to be honest, you're going to have to suck it up and live with it. I really think you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling. If you're afraid of your husband, find someone else to talk to.