What is the right thing to do?

[phillyfan]

Dude if his wife is so bad and he aint havin sex wit her 4 10yrs and he STILL hasnt left then girl he aint ever leavin is he. That, or hes lyin about her and she aint really tht bad. Eitha way he aint a great catch 4 u is he, u aint gettin a lot of love from eitha senareo.

[Henni]

Came back here for an update.

 

I think I'm doing ok. I told him I didn't promise anything, I don't want to do this until I can be a priority in his life which means moving out, getting a D, doing some work on himself and spending a good long time on his own. I did it written down because face to face seemed too dangerous, as in, something would happen between us 'by accident'. He wrote back, he thinks he loves me, he is working on it all, all the things he likes about me, that it was tolerable to stay with his wife while his kids were there but planned to divorce as soon as they were out, but now that he has found me, he believes he will not have another chance to meet someone he is so suited to again, and he has to act now.

 

Even just writing all that, it sounds like a script from a bad movie. But, at the time, I needed to see him, and I stupidly did, the next day, and we made 'mistakes' and ended up in bed. It was a bit weird. I knew I was doing something I had decided not to, and something was not right with me. Since then, it's been a week, and a strange thing has happened. I told him that I simply don't believe him anymore, that I think he believes himself and I don't think he's lying, but that if he hasn't left by now it seems completely unrealistic that he will now, even if he wants to. He insisted he still believes it will happen. I've just turned a switch off in my head, it's strange. I think I've burst the bubble, I'm just not attracted to men that don't act on what they say. I can't respect them enough to be in love with them. They start to look weak, and needy, and it's not a good look. It's been a short space of time and maybe things will change, but it's much easier not to see him this last week. It's been easier to stick to work and just not respond to anything outside work he brings up. He keeps sending me updates on houses he's looking at to move into, and that he's been reading up on divorce, but he's worried about leaving his kids on their own with his wife as it's not healthy for them. As I said to him, it's all abstract. Words are cheap. I'm an action type, I make things happen when I want to and when I think it's right, and I expect the same from a partner. There was no nasty conversation and I think I managed to do everything in a way that means we can still work together. It was friendly, but clear. I took back my keys and gave him a hug and wished him luck. I told him not to call over without asking, I feel like I've set some boundaries. It's still a little hard at times, but not very hard - it's a lot easier with time. It's a good feeling - I guess - I feel like I've drawn solid boundaries, not just with words with also an emotional shift. It feels like - I know better what I expect and want, from anyone, not just him, and I expect the other to put as much as I would into a relationship. I'm glad I was able to do this. I feel bad that I slipped up once, but on the other hand, it was a bit weird, and maybe I just needed that last weird experience to burst the bubble. It made me say a lot of things I'd wanted to say for a while. I don't know what's around the corner but I do feel that things would need to be very different before I would go there again with him.

 

I just wanted to put this out there, because it seems like for me, I have to respect someone before I can love them. Once that doubt about his character crept in, I was simply much less attracted. I think this won't change, unless he starts doing things I can respect again. I wonder how other OW feel about this. Is there something about people who hang on as an OW for years and years that means they don't have to respect someone to love them? This is really hard for me to imagine. Or do they just feel they have self esteem issues, that mean that they do respect someone who doesn't prioritise them, because they actually believe they are not worth prioritising? I've been thinking about this a lot, and trying to figure out what led me to be in this situation, since it's never happened before and I don't like to think of myself as someone lacking self respect.

 

Having said that, I'm totally off any sort of moral highground. I have seen a very weak side to myself I didn't know was there and I want to make sure it doesn't come and bite me on the ass again. I can see how easy it is to enter into an tangle of lies and fear, and it scared me.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Henni

[awkward]

I have a real fear of hurting people, of being the OW, of hurting my career, and of my heart being broken. Mostly I have a fear of losing my self respect..

 

This is a valid fear. I've seen your story here over and over and over. It almost always ends the same way. You will be more than broken. It will change you.

 

First, do you have outside confirmation that he did indeed ask his wife for a divorce? And that she agreed?

 

Second, he is married. Whether he asked her for a divorce or not, he is still married. He is not separated. It really isn't all that gray. I also wouldn't recommended dating a separated man, especially a separated man who cheated on his wife.

 

How gray would it be if you married this man and then he had sex with his ex-wife or another OW? Or how about if you found out tomorrow that he has an OOW? You either have sex with cheaters or you don't. To me it is that simple. If you want to have sex with a cheater, go for it. But don't put on blinders. Know that he is a liar, he is a cheater, and he is all about himself and his needs. This has nothing to do with his wife.

 

Don't be his therapist. Don't be is his BFF. Don't ruin your life. And if you have sex with him, it isn't a mistake. It's a bad CHOICE. Big difference. Anyways, chances are you are going to do this rodeo like almost all of the others that came before you. Protect yourself and keep posting here. Good luck.

 

You work with both him and his wife? You should look for a new job.

 

ETA: It isn't special. It isn't unique. It is textbook.

[awkward]

I think I'm doing ok. I told him I didn't promise anything, I don't want to do this until I can be a priority in his life which means moving out, getting a D, doing some work on himself and spending a good long time on his own. I did it written down because face to face seemed too dangerous, as in, something would happen between us 'by accident'.

 

These are words.

 

I needed to see him, and I stupidly did, the next day, and we made 'mistakes' and ended up in bed.

 

This is an action.

 

Came back here for an update.

He keeps sending me updates on houses he's looking at to move into, and that he's been reading up on divorce, but he's worried about leaving his kids on their own with his wife as it's not healthy for them. As I said to him, it's all abstract. Words are cheap. I'm an action type, I make things happen when I want to and when I think it's right, and I expect the same from a partner.

 

He is escalating his attempt to keep the affair going. Besides I thought his wife already agreed to a divorce. It would seem it is time to lawyer up, not time to start googling about divorce. If his wife is an unfit mother, he should have left with his kids long ago. There is a legal process for that. What kind of father is he to allow his kids to live in an unhealthy situation? Hmm, do you think he might be exaggerating? or maybe even lying so he can have an affair? Do you think if he said that his wife is fine but he wants variety that you would have gave it to him?

 

I don't know what's around the corner but I do feel that things would need to be very different before I would go there again with... I think this won't change, unless he starts doing things I can respect again.

I wonder how other OW feel about this. Is there something about people who hang on as an OW for years and years that means they don't have to respect someone to love them?

 

That is the $64K question. I truly hope that you mean what you say and never have to find out the answer.

[Henni]

 

He is escalating his attempt to keep the affair going. Besides I thought his wife already agreed to a divorce. It would seem it is time to lawyer up, not time to start googling about divorce. If his wife is an unfit mother, he should have left with his kids long ago. There is a legal process for that. What kind of father is he to allow his kids to live in an unhealthy situation? Hmm, do you think he might be exaggerating? or maybe even lying so he can have an affair? Do you think if he said that his wife is fine but he wants variety that you would have gave it to him?

 

 

 

That is the $64K question. I truly hope that you mean what you say and never have to find out the answer.

 

You are right. The letters were words and I slipped up - made a bad choice - the day after that. It didn't feel good - it felt weird - and it made him and this whole thing unattractive to me. I guess being on here and reading other's stories and having people comment on mine made me realise what a complete idiot I was being, and I wasn't in too deep yet to get out. Since then I've been putting what I wrote into practise. I simply don't respond to any messages about how his divorce is going, what places he's looking at etc. I ignore them. I have kept it friendly but non personal when we are working together. I haven't been acting upset or different, in fact, I've forced myself to be confident and productive in work and i've been focussing on that and getting things done. It does seem like he is going a bit crazy, that this very clear boundary drawn is hard for him, but so it should be. He knows what my expectations are of a partner now and he is learning that I won't accept less than that. That feels good to write. Thanks everyone here, it helps to come back and read things over. It helps me to figure out what's going on with me. I'm not so concerned with what's going on with him anymore, and it's getting better every day.

 

And, no I don't have outside confirmation for what he said he told his wife. I find it hard to paint him as a complete liar, I don't think he is, even though he is not being honest with his wife. That's actually because I told him I didn't want her or anyone else to know, but rather wanted to give plenty of time between them splitting and anyone knowing about us. But I did say to him that everything was just his word and abstract and with nothing concrete to back it up it means nothing, it's just a big old nothing. Now, every time he tells me some other abstract thing like that he's looking at this house, or he's browsing divorce help sites to figure out how to tell the kids, it takes me one step further away from him. The ratio of abstract to concrete becomes more pathetic. It will take a lot of concrete now for it to look like anything more than nothing.

 

He doesn't think she's an 'unfit mother', just that she is very critical of/hard on her children and not totally mentally well - anxious, nervous, and I can see that too from the little interaction I've had with her. He wants to be there to mop up their tears and defend them. I can kind of understand that, I just won't be on the side of it.

 

I've started working on applications for other jobs. I don't want to leave where I am now but I may feel differently later, so an escape plan seemed sensible.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Henni

[awkward]

You are right. The letters were words and I slipped up - made a bad choice - the day after that. It didn't feel good - it felt weird - and it made him and this whole thing unattractive to me. I guess being on here and reading other's stories and having people comment on mine made me realise what a complete idiot I was being, and I wasn't in too deep yet to get out. Since then I've been putting what I wrote into practise. I simply don't respond to any messages about how his divorce is going, what places he's looking at etc. I ignore them. I have kept it friendly but non personal when we are working together. I haven't been acting upset or different, in fact, I've forced myself to be confident and productive in work and i've been focussing on that and getting things done. It does seem like he is going a bit crazy, that this very clear boundary drawn is hard for him, but so it should be. He knows what my expectations are of a partner now and he is learning that I won't accept less than that. That feels good to write. Thanks everyone here, it helps to come back and read things over. It helps me to figure out what's going on with me. I'm not so concerned with what's going on with him anymore, and it's getting better every day.

 

And, no I don't have outside confirmation for what he said he told his wife. I find it hard to paint him as a complete liar, I don't think he is, even though he is not being honest with his wife. That's actually because I told him I didn't want her or anyone else to know, but rather wanted to give plenty of time between them splitting and anyone knowing about us. But I did say to him that everything was just his word and abstract and with nothing concrete to back it up it means nothing, it's just a big old nothing. Now, every time he tells me some other abstract thing like that he's looking at this house, or he's browsing divorce help sites to figure out how to tell the kids, it takes me one step further away from him. The ratio of abstract to concrete becomes more pathetic. It will take a lot of concrete now for it to look like anything more than nothing.

 

He doesn't think she's an 'unfit mother', just that she is very critical of/hard on her children and not totally mentally well - anxious, nervous, and I can see that too from the little interaction I've had with her. He wants to be there to mop up their tears and defend them. I can kind of understand that, I just won't be on the side of it.

 

I've started working on applications for other jobs. I don't want to leave where I am now but I may feel differently later, so an escape plan seemed sensible.

 

Henni I hope you really can stay clear of this mess. And, this is just my IMO, but I seriously doubt he told his wife he wants a divorce. First, they act like their marriage is miserable and they need someone to save them. Check

 

Second, they act like they will leave. Check Some even tell the wife they want a divorce *cough, cough*. They start future faking with their OW looking at apartments in areas with nice schools so they can still be a "great" father. Not a cheating man who spends time away from his kids charming his OW.

 

Third, he will leave but <insert some random event here like holidays, birthday, Valentines day, illness, etc.> has to take place first.

 

Finally, comes acceptance. The OW needs to accept she will never be more than an OW because he just can't leave due to the <insert random reason like kids, pets, in-laws, money>. By then many OW are so desperate to have any part of him, she will accept it and live on the sidelines of his life. Of course they might leave when the kids go to college but then there is college graduations and grandchildren to think of.

 

It is like those old books where you can change just a few details and get a different story but everything is still the same including the ending.

 

Come back and let us know if he ever does divorce. I would be surprised. I think you have your head on straight, don''t let your heart get all mangled up and accept less than you deserve.

Edited November 18, 2012 by awkward

[Henni]

Thanks awkward, your saying that I seem to have my head on straight really means something to me - i'm really trying, and some positive feedback helps a lot. As my OP shows, i've mostly just been confused, in the 'fog', but fog is clearing now. Will definitely keep coming back here to get perspective.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Henni, I'm so glad to see that you're coming out of the fog. Our stories continue to be similar...go figure, huh?

 

It sounds like he's flip flopping/still unsure and will continue to do so at your expense if you stay involved. Be strong and remember your worth!

[Henni]

What happened to the story of he told his wife he wanted a divorce and was moving out?

 

Guess that wasn't exactly true? You work with his wife - go ask her! Go ask her if he told her he wanted a divorce and he was moving out and the only reason he stayed allegedly in a long term marriage without sex was because of the kids.

 

How old are you and how old is he?

 

Sounds like he had you feeling you were special, and then you read more on LS and realized your story is not very different from other affairs.

 

I hope you really have decided to stay out of his marriage and his bed. If he ever gets divorced (and I don't believe he will do it....I think his wife may leave him one day, but I don't see him being the instigator) and gets therapy, sure, date him. But remember, he had no problem cheating on his wife....he may have no problem cheating on you

 

Thanks for your predictions Hockeyfan. You 'sound' quite angry...why is that?

 

The story still is that he told his wife he wants a divorce and is moving out. I am just backing off until that's all happened, because regardless of how bad his marriage is, he has to make the decision to leave it and follow through, and come out the other side intact as a single man, before any woman can be a priority in his life, and I'm not interested in being with someone who cannot emotionally or practically make me a priority.

 

I have no wish to confront his wife and make what is most probably already a difficult situation worse for her, so I'll be passing on that advise. She is going through a marriage break up and that seems like enough to cope with.

 

I am not young. Neither is he. There is not a large age gap. I have never been in his bed...he has been in mine though. Seems like what may make my story 'special', as you put it, is if I draw clear boundaries and stick to them, and that's what I've done and will maintain now. I am just trying to figure out what's going on with me that I made this bad decision to sleep with him, even taking love into account, I've never been that stupid before. It shouldn't have happened - and not because he's married, because quite frankly that's his problem, but because it has a bad effect on my life. It really confused me and caused me stress. There were good sides to it too, it wasn't all bad, I learned some things about myself, but i'm done with it now. Lets see what happens in the future, it could be nice, but it also might not be. Either way, I don't 'need' him in any obsessive way at all, no more than I have ever 'needed' any past boyfriends or partners. Broken hearts mend easier than self respect. I know that, I just wasn't acting like it for a while. I know if he can't follow through and get through these tough times on his own any relationship we have in the future is doomed. I need a strong man.

[Henni]

Henni, I'm so glad to see that you're coming out of the fog. Our stories continue to be similar...go figure, huh?

 

It sounds like he's flip flopping/still unsure and will continue to do so at your expense if you stay involved. Be strong and remember your worth!

 

Thank you OMWF, I am still feeling much clearer about it all, and the support here helps. The whole thing seems to have become much simpler, because if his feelings for me are genuine and not a temporary delusion, then he will do what he has to do. If he doesn't, then I have my answer. Either way, setting those boundaries gives me clear answers, continuing as we were just gives me confusion. The lust phase is over, now patience will tell if there's anything left. Or something like that. I miss him, but I'll get over it. :-)

[Henni]

**If you maintain those boundaries - GOOD for YOU! Most don't. Most 'can't'. Never understood the "I can't xyz" with regards to an affair. When did so many women become so weak and needy? If you actually DO stay away from him until he is actually divorced and had therapy - good for you.

 

I just hope you don't spend your life waiting for it to happen because from all the hundreds of examples I have read about, you have a better shot at being hit by lightening AND winning the lottery before a MM actually leaves his marriage, gets therapy and fixes what is broken inside him.

 

Again, thanks for your predictions. I don't count a couple of months stolen moments and sex as 'being with' someone. I count it as something that never really started. I don't know what the future holds and I'm not holding my breath. However, I also wouldn't do the statistics on being hit by lightning and winning the lottery versus a second relationship starting before the first one ended, not least because I doubt that's easy information to collect. I suspect many people in that situation would not want to advertise the fact that they began with an affair. If I thought there was zero chance of a real relationship, then there would be no reason not to simply jump back into bed. It's because I DON'T know that, but would like to find out, that I've ended things until he is moved out and divorced, if that ever happens. If I were to stay in this affair, then there would be no chance of a real relationship, now or ever.

 

I also don't see that I'm not allowed to feel anything for his wife just because we had an affair. I do feel for her, so....that seems to answer that. I don't want to cause unnecessary pain, so far nobody got hurt, except me, I have no need for that, regardless of whether he has asked for a divorce or not, it brings me and her nothing but grief. I don't feel I HAVE to know right now whether he really asked for a divorce and is moving out, time will tell.

Edited November 20, 2012 by Henni

[veryhappy]

You have one thing making your chances bigger than most. His wife agrees to the divorce. It's for most cases the only way they get out - if they get her blessing. With kids involved that's unrealistic, so I suggest you verify those claims soon. Since he said he'd move with the divorce, ask for a deadline for him filing, go no contact until he's done at least that.

 

You don't want to be his emotional support, his therapist, his marriage therapist, the person to hold his hand and make everything all better. I've been there and all I got was a sharp knife in the back and barely saw his back running to his wife.

 

I know it's hard to believe...but his words as long as he's not getting a divorce will end up having zero value.

[Henni]

You have one thing making your chances bigger than most. His wife agrees to the divorce. It's for most cases the only way they get out - if they get her blessing. With kids involved that's unrealistic, so I suggest you verify those claims soon. Since he said he'd move with the divorce, ask for a deadline for him filing, go no contact until he's done at least that.

 

You don't want to be his emotional support, his therapist, his marriage therapist, the person to hold his hand and make everything all better. I've been there and all I got was a sharp knife in the back and barely saw his back running to his wife.

 

I know it's hard to believe...but his words as long as he's not getting a divorce will end up having zero value.

 

Thanks cutedragon. The funny thing is, I don't feel a huge need to verify that he's getting a divorce. Either he is, or he isn't, and I will find out soon enough anyway. I'm in a place now where I have patience, and I won't degrade myself by trying to push for a relationship. If he wants it, he knows what to do. I won't wait, I consider myself unattached, and if someone else comes along I won't reject it because of the affair. I'm not giving emotional support either, I ignore any mention of his situation until there is concrete action and he's out of his marriage. I can actually do this - it's getting easier every day, it just makes sense. Its making more sense the more I 'talk' about it here. I guess I figured out the right thing to do in the end...

[Heather1]

I hope you're strong enough to carry that out. You should wait & actually date after a separation @ least.

 

I would think any man coming w/ a sob story about the w is full of it. Yes, people marry the wrong person & get stuck & want to do the right thing. Maybe he's the problem & you & his w have more in common than you think?? I don't know why the BS has to be the bad guy when we're the ones in the A?? How many people get into the same r w/ a different person over & over? Cuz they're the common denominator.

 

Anyway, if there's a shot it's when his d dust settles. Live your life til then & hope he finds you.

[veryhappy]

If you can really detach that's great. If you believe him though and your mind will hang onto that dream for the next year, you will find you won't be able to connect with someone new and at the end of whatever time you are sick waiting find out he didn't move a finger...your feelings might change.

 

I think it's fair to have a deadline to work with once there's been a clear declaration of working towards being together.

[Henni]

If you can really detach that's great. If you believe him though and your mind will hang onto that dream for the next year, you will find you won't be able to connect with someone new and at the end of whatever time you are sick waiting find out he didn't move a finger...your feelings might change.

 

I think it's fair to have a deadline to work with once there's been a clear declaration of working towards being together.

 

Thanks cutedragon. It's such early days and I expect all kinds of changes from one moment to the next in what I feel, just like both falling in and out of love. It's confusing as hell. At the moment, I neither believe or disbelieve him. I just think there's not enough evidence to say either way, and he doesn't know himself either, he believes he will do all these things, but I know emotions come and bite you on the ass whether you want them to or not. This may sound really odd, but I think that when things get confusing and I feel too strongly to trust my behaviour to what I feel, then I tend to revert to rationalism. It's like a safe harbour, when all else fails in figuring out what to do based on the heart, try to shut it down and go with rationalism. I know for some people this is impossible, and in the past when relationships have ended or needed to end, I've gone through horrible periods of crying and feeling a hole in my stomach before this kicks in and takes over. That's where I'm at now. People say I'm great in a crisis, I tend to go on automatic pilot and do what practically needs to be done. I'm the one giving first aid, using my calm voice and taking photos of the scene of a car crash while others are standing in shock or crying. Maybe that's what's happening now. What's scary is that it's usually after such a scene, when I've stepped back from the immediate practicalities, that I start to shake and suffer. So, I'm not saying that I am out of the woods, I'm just saying that right now, I can do this, and I will maintain the boundaries because it's the rational thing to do. I believe in the long run, this will leave me less broken than if I let my emotions rule, and this is true regardless of what he does or doesn't do viz. divorce going through.

 

He's struggling right now. Today it was over a week since we've had any communication beyond work. I could see that he was emotional and wanted to talk. It was bad - he kind of hung around looking really lost and just saying the work related phrases, looking really upset and waiting for any invitation to connect, but I just said I had to work now, made some breezy comment to try lighten the situation, and he went away. It was hard, but I didn't feel the instinct to reach out, rather I felt the instinct to keep the distance to protect myself, and him, from turmoil. Some time later he sent me some stuff from a place he's going to see to move in to, and a message that now he is the one afraid of hoping for too much and being disappointed. I wanted to reply - you should be, because that is the reality of the situation, and what you are doing, scary as it is, you should do alone. I'm hanging tightly to the rationality of that. He wants to help me with some major deadlines i've got - anything - offered just to come while I work and cook for me if he can't help with the content (which he can, but i've not let him). I know it's just any form of contact that he wants, just anything not to feel so alone. It's written all over his face. I also know the dangers there and I'm strongly motivated not to allow it, rationally, because I know those feelings of wanting to reach out to him will have the opposite effect and leave us both broken. I'm totally exhausted by all this. I'm finding it hard to focus on my work, just staring at the computer getting nothing done, barely ticking over with the basics. But, I know this will get easier with time and space, it will become more habitual and the strong feelings will eventually be controlled. Whatever is left at the end, when he's either through a divorce, in every sense, or when he's not and we move on, will be whatever it is, simply.

 

I was thinking about what you said about a time scale, as in, do it by then, and if you can't by then you won't ever and we know, and I've read a lot of people doing this...D-Day? I've been thinking about this, but also thinking that the existence of a D-Day might actually bring more pressure, and might not be what I want to make the basis of a relationship, if i'm still planning on that being one possible outcome. It seems kind of like saying - do what I want by then to show you want it too or else we're through. I see the reasons for it, I know it could help me not wait forever, but I also think maybe there are negative sides to it. This post is so long already I think I'll avoid analysing that too much here. In the end, I feel like I need to explain where I'm at and why I'm creating this distance now, because that probably isn't clear to him. I need his help to keep the distance, I want him to know why I'm turning him away and not leave him confused. It's much harder to turn him away when he doesn't have enough information on why I'm doing that - and it seems unfair and may make things more emotionally volatile than they need to be. Maybe a D-Day should be discussed too. Anyway, because of this, I've decided to meet him for an hour tomorrow and talk. Here comes a big test of my will power and my resolve. Wish me luck - I need it.

Edited November 21, 2012 by Henni

[veryhappy]

I'm not suggesting a dday by any means. I'm against that most times and that should come from the betraying spouse, not the OM/OW.

 

I'm also not suggesting that you impose a deadline on him. He needs to pick his own realistic deadline. You can also move on with no hope to be with him, and let it at "let me know when you are divorced". It depends how much the two of you are in it together. I had accepted that exMM wouldn't have left his marriage without me at the end, so when he said he was doing it "for us" i felt it was normal to ask for details and a timeline. Sounds rather silly in hindsight- the for us part and the rest of the bs. Anyway, guard your heart because all that talk that you are hear of from him isn't necessarily the ultimate truth.

 

You decide what's best for you and what you want to do. I'm just telling you your options.

[veryhappy]

In my affair experience, anything under two hours for a serious discussion was insufficient. Maybe it depends on the AP themselves.

 

Based on my broken heart I'd suggest you go the way hockeyfan is suggesting. The more you stay involved, the bigger the betrayal you feel. On the other hand, i don't know if I'd be able to stay away from him if I hadn't gotten so burned.

 

If you were suggesting that dday could be punishment for not filing, sort of an "or else", the only "or else" is cold no contact. That is all we can do. I'm not into drama.

[Henni]

I'm not suggesting a dday by any means. I'm against that most times and that should come from the betraying spouse, not the OM/OW.

 

I'm also not suggesting that you impose a deadline on him. He needs to pick his own realistic deadline. You can also move on with no hope to be with him, and let it at "let me know when you are divorced". It depends how much the two of you are in it together. I had accepted that exMM wouldn't have left his marriage without me at the end, so when he said he was doing it "for us" i felt it was normal to ask for details and a timeline. Sounds rather silly in hindsight- the for us part and the rest of the bs. Anyway, guard your heart because all that talk that you are hear of from him isn't necessarily the ultimate truth.

 

You decide what's best for you and what you want to do. I'm just telling you your options.

 

I know that CD - I'm not taking advise, I'm browsing perspectives, and I feel fully responsible and capable of making my own good or bad decisions. I also know every situation is different because people are different. I think in general, while I am a warm and loving person with many friends, I veer more towards the 'do not trust anyone' spectrum when it comes to relationships. I have a fear of rejection that usually makes me sabotage potential relationships before they begin, or not go looking for them at all. So for me, it's actually easier to be somewhat cool and distant than it is to take a risk. In this case, that may be an advantage, because my self protect mechanism is in full swing now. I hope. I will just have to take the risk of talking to him alone tomorrow and make sure it doesn't progress into anything more than talk. I want him to know that we can maintain this distance, and help each other to maintain it, until he's gotten a divorce and made his journey, and hope at that point there's something left between us, or at least that we are in a better situation, whether together or not. Does that make sense?

[Henni]

D Day is when his wife discovers what he has been doing behind her back.

 

What you are saying is setting a timeline so you stop waiting and hoping...but I think you will wait and hope until whenever.....

 

Or giving him an ulttmateum...do it by Dec. 31 (move out and file for divorce) or I'm not waiting...again, you would have to be resolved to not wait and I don't think you are there.

 

You are already back-peddling so to speak by wanting to have a conversation where you tell him you are done being his emotional, physical and sexual escape. I don't get why you can't just say to him "YOU ARE MARRIED. Deal with that and if you ever get a divorce and work on YOU, call me after you have been to counseling for 6 months after the divorce is final. If I'm free, I'll date you. But I am not waiting and all communication from this point forward is work related and nothing else. Respect me enough to stop using me as your crutch." and walk away.

 

I think that's basically what tomorrow's conversation will be, perhaps delivered in a slightly different way, but basically, that's the plan.

[veryhappy]

What kind of distance do you have in mind? Low contact?

[Henni]

What kind of distance do you have in mind? Low contact?

 

Only work related contact, which is what it has been for the past week, and I think i'm strong enough to maintain that. It's getting easier. But I need him to understand this - to say what's explained above, so he doesn't feel i'm angry with him or that I'm trying to communicate some unsaid thing. I need to be clear with him. We can't avoid working together right now so that takes some serious boundaries to keep us both sane. I'm also looking into counselling for myself, to figure out why this happened, what's going on with me, and to have someone to talk to about it all, basically to strengthen my resolve for the roller coaster ahead.

[ComingInHot]

Henni;

I would like to read how you verbalize, "What is the right thing to do".

I think it would help me AND you to understand your thought processing.

 

I know what I believe the right thing to do is but I would like to read what you think is right.*

[Henni]

Henni;

I would like to read how you verbalize, "What is the right thing to do".

I think it would help me AND you to understand your thought processing.

 

I know what I believe the right thing to do is but I would like to read what you think is right.*

 

I think the right thing to do is one that I, personally, can live with and respect in the future, is true to my general principals and has the right balance between not being afraid and not being reckless. Usually, this means it will lead to good things for me in the long term.

 

That's a general, high-level answer. But, I think it applies to this situation as well as in general.

[Henni]

Another update.

 

We met, had that conversation, and it went very well. We talked a lot, he understood and accepted my boundaries (don't talk to me about anything other than work or look for contact other than work unless there is some change in your situation - because this is the right thing for me) and didn't try to break them. He knows what he needs to do, said he will let me know when he gets there. I asked for his help and support to go NC other than work, and he said I will have it. Since then, he's stuck to his word. Apart from work, he contacted me once in a short message to say that there was progress, he feels much better, a clear plan and agreement with his W of how to go forward with kids and finances, and divorce proceedings are underway. I didn't respond. He didn't bring it up again. He knows I'm not going to wait indefinitely and may meet someone else in the meantime and said he won't blame me if that happens. I still miss him but I feel like this break on the A is the right thing. I'm glad it didn't go on any longer than it did. There is a lot of love and compassion there, and this break is about that, I believe. This goes regardless of whether we end up together or not. It feels like putting in the ground work for a happy future, hopefully, but not necessarily, together. I won't blame him if he finds he can't go through with it in the end. I'm glad he's doing this, for him, because the marriage was not making him happy and either way, he's addressing that. I'm glad I'm doing it for me, because it gives me time to think and explore my feelings, good and bad, and I will know if I am his first choice or not if we end up together. Nobody is kicking him out of his marriage. I feel a lot calmer.Thank you, everyone, for your support.