What is the right thing to do?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Good for you. I hope you can both stick to it! This seems like a much less messy path than staying involved.

[Artie Lang]

I feel like this break on the A is the right thing.

 

you bet it is. if it was really "meant to be," you'll find each other free and clear on the other side of the current situation.

 

a persons' love for another should not be kept secret in the depths of an affair.

 

good for you Henni.

Edited November 27, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Henni]

Hello there. Just wanted to post another update. It's been a tough time. I spent two days straight crying at one point. Several hours crying with some breaks to go to work in between.

 

It's the uncertainty that gets me worst, I think. MM is still working through the divorce agreement. Where I live, the default legal situation is that everything gets split 50/50, including time with the kids, unless one spouse is found to have serious problems maintaining themselves, then there's six months support following D, after that, they are considered two independent adults legally responsible for themselves. If both parties agree to the D and property and time with kids is agreed without intervention, the D is legal basically straight away. If they don't come to an agreement independently, arbitrators come in and there's a six month waiting period. If only one person files, there's a six month waiting period. MM is going for the agreement version, so the D will be in effect immediately. This means finding an agreement with his W. I knew this before we went NC outside work. Since we last spoke, he asked to speak to me once about a possible agreement his W was willing to sign up to.

 

I couldn't live with what was proposed and told him so. There are many reasons why. Now he's trying to find another solution. I'm caught between wanting the D to go through quickly and wanting to see D papers before Christmas, and wanting to just be out of all decisions until it's through. I'm still trying to move on but it's hard, I know he wants to check solutions with me because he doesn't want to sign up to any living arrangement I'm not happy with, but this itself is very hard. It's very, very hard. Just saying that. Tough times.

[truthbetold]

Hello there. Just wanted to post another update. It's been a tough time. I spent two days straight crying at one point. Several hours crying with some breaks to go to work in between.

 

It's the uncertainty that gets me worst, I think. MM is still working through the divorce agreement. Where I live, the default legal situation is that everything gets split 50/50, including time with the kids, unless one spouse is found to have serious problems maintaining themselves, then there's six months support following D, after that, they are considered two independent adults legally responsible for themselves. If both parties agree to the D and property and time with kids is agreed without intervention, the D is legal basically straight away. If they don't come to an agreement independently, arbitrators come in and there's a six month waiting period. If only one person files, there's a six month waiting period. MM is going for the agreement version, so the D will be in effect immediately. This means finding an agreement with his W. I knew this before we went NC outside work. Since we last spoke, he asked to speak to me once about a possible agreement his W was willing to sign up to.

 

I couldn't live with what was proposed and told him so. There are many reasons why. Now he's trying to find another solution. I'm caught between wanting the D to go through quickly and wanting to see D papers before Christmas, and wanting to just be out of all decisions until it's through. I'm still trying to move on but it's hard, I know he wants to check solutions with me because he doesn't want to sign up to any living arrangement I'm not happy with, but this itself is very hard. It's very, very hard. Just saying that. Tough times.

 

Honestly as hard as that may be the bolded is your best bet. It's the best way for there not to be resentment or regret down the line.

 

If you want to be with him in a healthy space free and clear. Then exercise some patience for him to really be free and clear and understand if he's normally processing this, he's going to go through many ups and downs and grieving the marriage even if it wasn't all good. That's normal. If he rushes the process and tries to move on without proper steps that'll likely bite him sometime in the future and have an impact on your relationship. It's not healthy to move straight from one relationship right into another. No matter the desires of the two people. We're not made to just bury grief and loss in our lives, it needs to be worked through to find a way to a more peaceful rewarding place.

 

The divorce is between them. You really should have no place in it and you shouldn't let him draw you into it.

[Henni]

Honestly as hard as that may be the bolded is your best bet. It's the best way for there not to be resentment or regret down the line.

 

If you want to be with him in a healthy space free and clear. Then exercise some patience for him to really be free and clear and understand if he's normally processing this, he's going to go through many ups and downs and grieving the marriage even if it wasn't all good. That's normal. If he rushes the process and tries to move on without proper steps that'll likely bite him sometime in the future and have an impact on your relationship. It's not healthy to move straight from one relationship right into another. No matter the desires of the two people. We're not made to just bury grief and loss in our lives, it needs to be worked through to find a way to a more peaceful rewarding place.

 

The divorce is between them. You really should have no place in it and you shouldn't let him draw you into it.

 

I know you are right. I have said many times that it must be his decisions. But, I also understand why he wanted to talk to me about a possible solution. Now it's kind of no man's land...of course, having my feedback, he will want to check again if a new solution could work for me. I just don't know what to do about that.

 

In my case, the W agrees the marriage is dead, has been a long time, and just wants to cut the deal. He is relieved that it's over and just wants to find the best solution for his kids, and also for us, although of course kids come first. The solution he was proposing seemed to me like an unhealthy situation for his kids, and for me, in the long term, if were were together. Basically, it would have set up a kind of competition for his time from the kids point of view, and I don't want that. It's hard not to point that out, when I think it's not a good long term solution. It's one of life's grey areas that i'm just trying to find a way through with self respect and with healthy situations for him and his kids too, since this is a prerequisite for any future we may or may not have. I know it has to be him and his wife and kids working things out, but when he asks genuinely, could this work for you, I need to know, what do I say? It seems impossible to just say, i'm not telling, especially when from my point of view, I see real problems for his kids too, that they've not considered.

[Tenacity]

I'm sorry for your pain, and I really hope this works out for you.

 

To be honest, I am not sure I understand why something in his divorce wouldn't work for you (not trying to nitpick; just really don't understand). I know you said something about it would potentially invite competition between you and his kids, and rightfully so you don't want that. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what kind of situation that would be.

 

And you don't have to say of course - it was just leading to my point, which is that if he is building something into his divorce and child custody arrangements that have something to do with you, then I think that's wrong (it sounds like you do too). I'm not sure if that is the case.

 

In that case I think that if he offers another possibility for you to comment on (whether or not you could live with it), you should tell him straight out that you don't want to be any consideration whatsoever in anything to do with his divorce and especially with how his custody arrangement works.

 

Really, even if this has something to do with his STBxW wanting some stipulations in the custody arrangement as to what happens if you move in, he remarries, you stay overnight, etc... I still think you should let him and him alone decide whether HE can live with it. And then you later decide if YOU can live with his decisions.

 

It is his job to work out what agreement works best for his kids, and even if you think you are helping him with that, it may come back to bite you in the butt if you have ANY input at all in whether one situation or another would work for you. Your role in his life is long after his D is final and his custody arrangement is worked out, not now. Just my 2 cents.

 

I do think that is what you are saying, but I understand your struggle in not knowing how to address that with him. I just think you will need to be direct and firm, in the same way you were direct and firm about being apart until his D is over and things have settled down.

[Mount]

I kind of agree with Tenacity. There is pretty clear between Henni and the MM whom is going to be single. What Henni is frustrated is only about the after D logistic arrangement. Is that so?

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and I really hope this works out for you.

 

To be honest, I am not sure I understand why something in his divorce wouldn't work for you (not trying to nitpick; just really don't understand). I know you said something about it would potentially invite competition between you and his kids, and rightfully so you don't want that. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what kind of situation that would be.

 

And you don't have to say of course - it was just leading to my point, which is that if he is building something into his divorce and child custody arrangements that have something to do with you, then I think that's wrong (it sounds like you do too). I'm not sure if that is the case.

 

In that case I think that if he offers another possibility for you to comment on (whether or not you could live with it), you should tell him straight out that you don't want to be any consideration whatsoever in anything to do with his divorce and especially with how his custody arrangement works.

 

Really, even if this has something to do with his STBxW wanting some stipulations in the custody arrangement as to what happens if you move in, he remarries, you stay overnight, etc... I still think you should let him and him alone decide whether HE can live with it. And then you later decide if YOU can live with his decisions.

 

It is his job to work out what agreement works best for his kids, and even if you think you are helping him with that, it may come back to bite you in the butt if you have ANY input at all in whether one situation or another would work for you. Your role in his life is long after his D is final and his custody arrangement is worked out, not now. Just my 2 cents.

 

I do think that is what you are saying, but I understand your struggle in not knowing how to address that with him. I just think you will need to be direct and firm, in the same way you were direct and firm about being apart until his D is over and things have settled down.

[Tara247]

This is a man who is never going to leave and divorce his wife, if things have been that bad in the past 10 years, they would have divorced already. Couples that are unhappy, DO divorce all the time! He is (selfishly) using you on some level to meet needs that aren't getting met at home by his wife.

 

You think you can 'save' him and he has nobody else to talk to but you. Sorry, but that's a load of crap he's serving you and you're eating it up like he's the king.

 

Do NOT have sex with him, let alone flirt and have an emotional affair with him.

 

You all work together so this makes your situation sticky too. If you don't want to lose your reputation, respect for yourself, respect from others that you work with, then stop hanging out with him and crossing lines. People aren't stupid, and neither is his wife.

 

Date him if/when that time comes he is divorced, until then, back off and detach from him.

 

OP, I agree. Let your MM put his money where his mouth is. If he's going to divorce his wife, then let him divorce her and don't continue to see him until he does. Let him know he has to make a choice. That is the decent and right thing for him to do.