Back together but falling into old patterns

[Guest]

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me last month, citing an inability to be a good boyfriend to me. He said he was tired of being the person who was constantly hurting me, and that he cared for me very much, but couldn't handle being in a relationship with anyone. That he was too irresponsible and selfish. At 28 years old he had only had one long term relationship (in college) and has pretty much been a serial dater since turning 21. I was the first person he saw for more than a month. We had a good time when together but, everytime we'd get closer, he'd take two steps back and distance himself from me. If I let him do it and didn't comment on it, everything would be fine and he'd pop back up a few days later. But, every once in awhile I wouldn't be able to take it, and I'd question our status. He'd deny that anything was wrong, we'd be good for a date or two, and then he'd retreat again.

 

When we broke up, I was very upset because I was in love with him, but I accepted that he would probably never love me, and forced myself to quickly recover and get on with my life. The night of the breakup, he asked if we could be friends, and I said I didn't think it was possible. He stressed that he really wanted to have me in his life, and that he would do whatever necessary to make that happen, but I resisted. I knew it would be unwise for me, and I told him so. He and I both had an out of town wedding that we had to attend the following weekend, so he proposed NC til that time, and asked that I just think about his request for friendship in the interim. I didn't. I was done. I immediately tried to get on with my life and forget him. And I did. Or so I thought....

 

We saw one another over the 4 day wedding weekend, and I was polite, but was clearly avoiding him. He approached me many times. I would be friendly and upbeat, but I would cut the convo short and move along. I figured he was just trying to be gracious anyway, as I was the only one who had feelings in the relationship. I would keep my chin up, smile and be social, and cry when I got back to the hotel.

 

On the last day, I agreed to take a walk with him. He said that he was sorry, that he has problems with commitment and "defining" things. And he, for the first time ever, told me that he loved me, and said that he was so sorry it had taken him so long to figure it out. And he asked for another chance. I wanted it to work, of course, so I agreed to take him back.

 

Initially it was fantastic. This unemotional, unaffectionate person was now holding my hand constantly, kissing me, telling me he loved me. We were going on dates, just the two of us, not the group dates we had gone on previously. My dreams were realized. I loved him and he FINALLY loved me. But, it's now one month later, and I haven't seen him in a week. He calls me at the office every day, we speak for 2 minutes or so, and then that's it. No contact except for that. My doubts and insecurities are creeping back in. I get nervous that he can go a week without mention of seeing me. I don't need every day, or every other day, but one day during the week, and once on the weekends would be good. I've still remained upbeat when speaking with him via phone, and haven't brought up the separation period. I don't want to scare the commitmentphobe by being too pushy, you know! But this past Monday, right as we were finishing up our brief daily call, I snuck in an, "I miss you." I felt fine about it. I thought it was cute, and that he would get the hint and realize that he should make some effort to see me. But I think it may have had the opposite effect. I didn't get the obligatory daily phone call yesterday....for the first time in a month. I keep thinking that he didn't call me on purpose, that he's thinking, "Well, I'll teach her a lesson for missing me! I won't call her for a couple of days. That'll show her!"

 

So, I now have my phone switched over to go straight to voicemail. I don't know what to say to him..if I'm overreacting...if I need to give him time...if I need to address the issue...if it IS an issue. I know that he doesn't like to go out during the week, and is more of a weekend guy, but we weren't able to see each other this past weekend. I had other plans and so did he. It's only been a week since we last saw one another. And I know he's not good at expressing himself. If he misses me, he's not going to say so, unless it's as a last resort. So, am I being parnoid or does anyone else sense the red flags?

 

I want him, but I also want my sanity.

[EC]

LOL u just reminded me of me.

 

My guy would say u look cute and i would wonder cute does that mean like sister cute?does that mean i'm not sexy? omg lol

I love that feeling when you have no control of your feelings and your brain is running 500 miles perhour.

 

I think your overreacting. He seems like the type of oerson that doesn't open up so easily. So for him to say I love you was a HUGE thing. Now he still might be freaking out about it and dealing with this new found insight.

 

From what you say I think he cares he probably just got busy and he will call to hang out eventually. Just don't pressure him and let him come to you.

[simplybrill]

Having been with a guy who was a drama queen, but totally unemotional at the same time when it came to when we were in public...panicked if we broke up and "cried for days" but once we got together, he slipped into his old neglectful habits...in your situation, there are some definite red flags.

He is clearly STILL irresponsible and selfish. You deserve to be with someone you dont have to walk on eggshells around, worrying if you're going to push him away...hello he's trying to control you. You have to be careful not to push this hyper-sensetive man away? PLEASE...Gimme a break. If he was any kind of man, he would be happy to be with you, not acting as if you dont exist.

I remember being the one who was always being upbeat on the phone, almost waiting for him to chime in, and play along...

 

I keep thinking that he didn't call me on purpose, that he's thinking, "Well, I'll teach her a lesson for missing me! I won't call her for a couple of days. That'll show her!"

I remember those games too, my ex played them well. He's messing around with you and your feelings here. Its up to you whether or not you want to put up with his childish games, and BS anymore.

 

I know that he doesn't like to go out during the week, and is more of a weekend guy, but we weren't able to see each other this past weekend. I had other plans and so did he. It's only been a week since we last saw one another. And I know he's not good at expressing himself

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. You can do better. Good luck hun.

 

Much luv, Simplybrill.

[Guest]

He just phoned. Now everything seems to be fine. Was flirty, teased me, we talked about the first time we met, our subsequent dates, how long it took to get me into bed (it only took 5 dates, but over a period of 6 days). It was a good talk....like the ones we had in our honeymoon period.

 

He's just so hot and cold! I'm neurotic enough as it is, and have my own abandonment issues. I AM needy, and I know that's not an attractive quality. After a few days of our not seeing one another, I begin to miss him, and get ticked off because of it. If he missed me, he'd make arrangements to see me, so I guess he doesn't. He's not someone who easily gives validation, so I'm always finding myself stressed out about the state of our union. I either need to chill out and let him be who he is or end it. I just wish that I could ask for that validation. I can't. I'm stubborn, and too proud, and I want him to come to me, to call me, to chase me. He's not that guy. I'm not that girl. How can it be fixed? Can it be fixed? I love him, and he loves me, so I want to think it's worth the trouble. I just don't know what to do.

[TommyGirl]

Simplybrill couldn't have said it any better! You have some serious red flags here sweetie, stop making excuses for him. I was in a relationship something similar to that. I would be making excuses of why he did not want to see me, but in the end it all came out. He was not ready for a relationship. I think you did perfecftly the first time you guys broke up, with the no contact, I hate to say it, but you will probably have to do it again. You should be able to communicate your needs to him, that's what you do in a relationship. But guess what, the guy that didn't want the relationship, he's on hands and knees now begging me back, he has been begging for almost two years now, because he says he more stable, and able to treat me the way that he wants to, but I have no interest in him now whatsoever, not because we broke up, but we actually don't click as a couple, something I was trying to make happen in the relationship. This may very well happen to you in the future, but your response may be different from mine. Pray about your situation.

[Dork]

Originally posted by Guest

He just phoned. Now everything seems to be fine. Was flirty, teased me, we talked about the first time we met, our subsequent dates, how long it took to get me into bed (it only took 5 dates, but over a period of 6 days). It was a good talk....like the ones we had in our honeymoon period.

 

He's just so hot and cold! I'm neurotic enough as it is, and have my own abandonment issues. I AM needy, and I know that's not an attractive quality. After a few days of our not seeing one another, I begin to miss him, and get ticked off because of it. If he missed me, he'd make arrangements to see me, so I guess he doesn't. He's not someone who easily gives validation, so I'm always finding myself stressed out about the state of our union. I either need to chill out and let him be who he is or end it. I just wish that I could ask for that validation. I can't. I'm stubborn, and too proud, and I want him to come to me, to call me, to chase me. He's not that guy. I'm not that girl. How can it be fixed? Can it be fixed? I love him, and he loves me, so I want to think it's worth the trouble. I just don't know what to do.

 

Yeah you're needy (said it yourself.) Sleeping with the guy in 5 dates (but a consecutive period of 6 days?!?! sorry , but the guy must not have a life if he wanted to see you that much so early on.) Relationships work much better when the two persons are patient and openly communicative about what they want in life. Seems like he wants to rush it and seems like you want to rush it to be with someone.