Husband cheated when I was 9 months pregnant

[robynisnothere]

This was about 6 months ago now... I found out 2 months after the fact, because I live in a very tiny town and my husband was left with no choice but to tell me. One night when I was very pregnant my husband went out drinking with a buddy, he didn't come home until about 4am. I was calling his buddy desperately trying to get ahold of him trying to find out what happened to my husband. He stumbeled in the door and went to sleep. I was told by both his friend and him that he was at an after party. I guess I had to believe him. I had no reason to suspect other wise

 

2 months go by, we had our son and were doing pretty well. One night I voluntered to go babysit for my friends with my kids, it was 2 am and I was waiting for my husband to pick us up from the babysitters (i dont drive) and he never showed up. I got a taxi home but stopped at his friends house to confront him about not picking us up, but when I got there it seemed like he was getting yelled at by his friends, regarding him cheating on me! Well thats the first I heard of it, but it was mid conversation so I didn't quite catch that. Well, I got in the cab and went home. My husband showed up shortly after, drunk, and confessed to sleeping with another girl that one night when I was pregnant. She spread rumours around town that he 'raped' her, which I have no idea if its true or not.

 

I've tried to forget and forgive, he hasn't got out partying once since this has happened, and he's been a good husband otherwise. Its hard though, this ladys child goes to the same school as mine, so I always have to see her. Its like a constant reminder of what happened which makes it impossible to move on. I don't know what to do. I married this man and he broke my heart. He says he was too drunk to know what was going on, but I believe thats bull. What would you do?

[Balzac]

Are you capable of supporting your children and yourself on child support?

[robynisnothere]

Well... I'm certainly not the 'breadwinner' here. I don't have my license either. I just waitress p/t at the local restraunt here. I'm also living across the country from my family. My husband moved me out here last year to start a better life for the both of us. We've only been married for a little over a year.

[Balzac]

As long as you are able to see the reality of life as a solo woman with 2 (?) small children, know your goal.

 

Overcoming the situation you've described is no easy task.

[robynisnothere]

Ya, it seems impossible. I thought we could get past it... the other day I had to stand across from her for an hour during my daughters choir performance, and I had to leave because it brought up so many emotions. We're supposed to be having a big wedding next year (we didn't have one yet, we got married at the town hall with only our friends) but now I don't even think I can do that. How do you say vows to someone who couldn't even stay faithful for 1 year of marriage? Would you try to trust again? Is this even forgiveable?

[Balzac]

Sure it's forgiveable. You've barely revealed any relevant facts here though.

 

Are both children biological of your husband? First marriage?

 

How have you as a couple discussed your feelings and desire to remain married and work through this? Why is seeing the woman such an issue for you? He's your husband after all.

 

I get your pain and disappointment. I kinda get what you are asking but your plan for working through this seems unfocused. Point of fact is two children of tender age are involved.

 

You said the move was career motivated.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is a man with a 9-month pregnant wife out partying and drinking? And why does this continue with a new baby?

 

Robyn, do you have access to MC through your or your H's work? Unless your H can see the light, grow up and own his behavior, you won't be in a position to trust or forgive. Like Balzac said, not easy to do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[robynisnothere]

We both came into the relationship with children, he has a son that is 8 and I have a 5 year old daughter. We planned to have our son, who is 6 months old now. This is the first marriage for both of us. Its just confusing to me, he moved me across Canada, convinced me to have a child with him and to marry him. He wanted these things so badly. I did too, but I feel like I've withheld my end here. I have never cheated on him. I moved to this tiny little town in the mountains (its very tiny, only 3000 people total living here.. closest stores are like 1 1/2 hour away) for him. I feel like I've given him my everything, and then, when I was at my most vunerable, he picked up a girl from the bar, took her home and had sex with her. He continued to have sex with me afterwards, he never used protection with that girl to boot. The first thing I did when I found out was went and got an STD test done, which isn't fair since I just had a baby. It looks very bad on me.

 

Its such an issue for me because we had both talked about what we wanted out of the marriage before we tied the knot. We have both been cheated on in past relationships so he exagerated to me that he wouldn't put up with any lies of any kind and especially cheating. He even pre warned me about how people in this town usually cheat and that we're not going to become a statistic. I guess thats why its hard to get past it. I honestly didn't think he was capable of doing that. Most people I know knew about what happened but no one could break the news to me, since I had just had a baby. My husband even got kicked off the volunteer fire department because of the severity of the rumours that were going around (that he raped her)

 

So its very complicated. I have been trying to forgive him, but people ask me about it all the time (still!) and I constantly see this woman. He is my husband and I do love him, but I will never fully trust him again. I get that there is kids involved which is the main reason I haven't done anything durastic. I just don't know how long I want to do this for.

[robynisnothere]

Mr. Lucky,

 

What does MC stand for?

 

I agree. He shouldn't have been out partying. One of the promises he made while I was pregnant that he wouldn't drink anything, because it wasn't fair to me. He drank the entire pregnancy, even stayed out on Christmas eve until 4 am drunker than a skunk... that was my first christmas away from home! I am trying here, really hard.. he hasn't been to the bar since he slept with that girl, I guess I have to give him credit for that, but it doesn't make it all better.

[2sure]

You said the woman is claiming rape and that you don't know if it's true or not. Frankly, that would concern me more .

 

Because if he didn't...the community needs to know he isn't a rapist and she is slandering him.

 

Because if he did...there is a victim out there and a predator .

 

It concerns me that you think he might be capable of raping someone.

[GuyInLimbo]

MC = marriage counseling.

 

I'm at a loss for words on this one otherwise, though.

[robynisnothere]

I don't believe he raped her, she has been 'around' in this town. She has slept with my gfs man while they were together as well. I think she was just slandering his name.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky,

 

What does MC stand for?

 

I agree. He shouldn't have been out partying. One of the promises he made while I was pregnant that he wouldn't drink anything, because it wasn't fair to me. He drank the entire pregnancy, even stayed out on Christmas eve until 4 am drunker than a skunk... that was my first christmas away from home! I am trying here, really hard.. he hasn't been to the bar since he slept with that girl, I guess I have to give him credit for that, but it doesn't make it all better.

Were it me, I'd take the kids and move back cross-country to wherever you're most comfortable and have the most support. Get back on your home turf. If he really wants to work on the marriage, let him come there and figure it out. That would be the first of several tests for him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[winston55]

For what's it worth. First of all, YOU are main victim here. And yes victim. My concerns are you mentioned he drank all the time you were pregnant. Most husbands would stick around during this time. Why wasn't he spending time with you during this time? Or was it he was preparing for the father role and had to get out his partying out of his system? This is B.S. Usually an affair is a sign of the real underlying problem, whether drunk or not: period. You have to decide what YOU want to do. Two things here, first can you continue to live with yourself looking over your shoulders for the rest of your life and having this affair plague you forever. Secondly, take action for yourself if not your children. Go back to school, try to find a job, or anything that will make you feel like you can live without him. At least, you will feel better about yourself and if you decide later to leave him, you will be in a situation where you can. My assumption is he's not ready for this, since he preferred to party instead of being with you. Is there a pattern of avoidance even at home? Or does he still go out with the buddies? You should know by now, where the relationship is. Or even better, leave him for a couple of days go visit family or whatever, and monitor the situation through friends or other means, and see what he does while your gone. Will he call you while your gone? Will he miss you? Or will he go out and party again. You very well may find the answer your looking for.

Edited November 9, 2012 by winston55

[KatZee]

He says he was too drunk to know what was going on, but I believe thats bull. What would you do?

 

This is bull. Any man who is THAT drunk to the point of blackout, isn't going to be able to get it up to perform.

 

The thing with cheating and cheaters is that they're only going to own up to what is already exposed. Apparently the girl is going around town saying he "raped" her... but have they had contact in the past? She sounds like a "woman scorned" perhaps they've been talking behind your back carrying on an EA and since he's apparently not leaving you, she feels the anger toward him and the need to lash out to try to rip apart your marriage.

 

I referred another LS member to this site and now I will refer you. Please sign up to SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

 

Although this site has great members, there is often a lot of black and white advice given regarding infidelity. That site is far more suited for what you're going through and they have an extensive FAQ section and helpful documents for victims of infidelity.

[robynisnothere]

Thank you, I'll check it out.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi there,

 

I've been all over Northern BC. It's pretty isolated in a lot of areas.

I can't imagine what you are going through having moved up and not having your social network firmly in place yet.

 

My husband cheated on me at 8 months pregnant. It sliced into me in a terrible way. I was especially embittered because I had spent years moving around the country with him every time he had a new plan or idea. I would've followed him anywhere, but not after that.

 

It is a traumatic thing. It can be gotten over once all of your questions are satisfactorily answered. I would lean on him until he told the bloody truth.

 

If he is a good man and does straighten himself out and make proper amends instead of being a total dick about it, you can get through it.

 

My husband and I went through awful trauma with our relationship and family. We are healing now. But the traumatic stuff has faded.

 

I suggest EMDR therapy to help cope with the pain if there is a practitioner in your area. It was like a miracle to me. It helped so much.

 

I hope things get better one way or another.

[robynisnothere]

Was it just a one time thing when he cheated on you?

 

Yeah, Northern BC is a really hard place to live. I moved from Ontario, so thats where all my friends and family are. I have no one here except for my husband. Even after I found out what happened, I still had to be kind to him because I didn't want to be completly alone out here. Moving back home isn't a possibility either, which sucks. I don't have my license, and I can't go back to Ontario just to have to support myself with welfare, there is a lot of money to be made out here.

 

I guess I see it as I have no other choice right now but to stick it out with him. We're getting along fine, I just have to quietly deal with this burden. Its hard to even be intimate since I found out, because immediatly I think about it. Maybe I'm being obsessive, I don't know?

[pcplod]

Can you ask yourself whether this is an issue about how you should, can deal with this? Or is it an issue about who he is, what he is? Some men, some people, are not 'grown-up' and never will grow up. Others grow up belatedly and gradually. Others grow up belatedly and dramatically through some cathartic experience or another.

 

The sort of questions I wonder about are things like what sort of person is he in overall terms? Has he shown any true contrition about what he did or does he still insist on relying on what is a patently absurd excuse, ie he was blind drunk. As someone else said, blind drunk men simply don't get it up.

 

As far as the other women is concerned she would not be the first to accuse a man of rape after having voluntary sex with a man which they regretted or found embarrassing, which is unforgivable in the context of women who are truly raped.

 

From your perspective, is it an issue that you have been betrayed or that you can no longer trust him? One is an issue of primarily looking backwards, the other is primarily about trying to look forward but simply not being able to.

 

Whatever, where you find yourself is in limbo land, neither being able to deal with the issue or being able to actually make an alternative life for yourself.

 

In any event, and it is only a personal view, but I think if you are going to stay, for whatever reason, you should finally make up your mind about it and DO it, and do your damnedest to make it work. That it is not to forgive him his transgressions or to meekly lie down and accept being trodden all over. You would be failing if you did not point out that his behaviour was unacceptable to you, that you will not tolerate it in future, that he is not being let off and that you expect explicit minimum standards of conduct from him if the pair of you are to move forward at all.

 

In the end you HAVE to put it to bed, either by continuing fully in the marriage or by seeking divorce. Limbo land is no place to live, especially with kids. Whether you like the suggestion or not, this is primarily the state of mind that you chose to adopt.

 

As an aside, was he satisfied with the state of your relationship during the time leading up to this cheating?

[Cb3657]

Robin if you are in Canada there are options, don't stay cause you feel you have no choice, If you just stay due to lack of choices you will take the next available good option, this could mean a affair or just running away.

There a woman's shelters in nearly all communities even in northern bc, I would also say taking welfare in your spot does not imply anything about you, welfare is there to insure we have no starving families. Dont let this simmer it needs to be dealt with or it will destroy your marriage later.