Extremely complicated situation, if you have advice, you must know all!!

[keithgray21]

My wife and I have been married for about 1 year and 4 months. This is my first marriage. It has been a sometime volatile, happy, jealous, good and bad marriage. The situation that makes all of these element possible is the fact that I have 2 kids. This causes other problems, with my family, my mother feels that I am not spending enough time with them, nor does there mother. I am just starting a job and cannot just up and leave for weeks at a time, nor can I afford to be buying plane tickets on a regular. There mother will not let them fly so I can put them on a plane and have them come visit me and the drive is just to long, not enough time off.

 

I had my son when I was 17 and my daughter when I was 19 and myself and their mother were never married. My kids are now 5 and 6. My wife is the type of woman who feels that your marriage should come before everything else. I agree that you have to take care of your marriage, first and foremost, but I feel like I am neglecting my children to a certain extent by trying to keep peace in my marriage. My wife has no children and is 8 years my senior. So the basic fact that I have children that I have to cater to outside my household is very tough for her to deal with. I no longer pay child support, due to an agreement between my self and my kids mother, but the things that I have to do for my kids takes money out of my household and out of my wife pockets as well.

 

The fact that other people and forces( state government, kids mother) indirectly have a say- so as to what goes on in our household bothers the both of us. As I know that my children are my obligation, this fact burns through my wife very much. She is a very vindictive woman, for example I have a lot of pictures from of my kids and of my family, is she get upset with me or feels that I have wronged her then she will take pictures of my kids and tear them up, making me raging mad. I don't know if this is normal female behavior but I don't like it and it often leads to arguments that become physical.

 

I do not want to hurt my wife, even thought she is a big woman 5-10 165; I am an even larger man; 6-8 255 former athlete, and if we started get physical such as pushing and shoving, and the police are called, they will see me and automatically haul me off to D- block (jail).

 

There are many times when she will take try to take pictures from me while I hold them so that she will not tear them up and she will punch me in the head, scratch me, do whatever to get to the pics and all I can really do is cower and try to protect myself from any serious injury, ie. eye gouge, ect. Now I am not to be taken lightly, I am by no means a pu**y, I bench 405 lbs and was a two sport athlete in college 2 years ago, so I can hold my own with anyone. But I know that if I choke her or punch her back and there is the slightest little bruise on her, bye, bye law school and hello criminal record. I have to be mindful of all of my actions while dealing with regular people, no one wants to exhibit this kind of caution in a marriage, you just should not have to.

 

I believe that when you are in a marriage, the only physical contact that should be made is out of love. I had a very abuse father, he used to treat my mom like a punching bag and he was a dead- beat father, needless to say, I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE MY FATHER.

 

I try to please my wife on many levels while keeping in mind that my kids need a father. I have not seen my kids in over a year. They were supposed to come and visit this summer, but what their mother and I had arranged did not work out, so it looks like I won't be seeing them until XMas. Like I said before I don't have the money, nor the time to go visit for extended amounts of time. I miss them dearly and try to talk to them as often as I can over the phone.

 

I love my wife to death but I am now starting to wonder if I need a divorce because I know that my wife's feelings are not going to change and if my children do come and spend some time with us, that she may take out her frustration on them. I know that some women will accept the fact that I have other children and learn to live with it, but my wife does not seem to share my sediments. When I say learn to live with it, I do not mean that she has not say so in anything, because my wife does have a lot of say so.

 

We have discussed getting my children and letting them live with us, but my wife expressed to me that when she thought of that she was just having an emotional moment, so it is out of the question. She has told me that if I wanted my kids to live with us then, we would have to get a divorce.

 

This juggling act is getting to be too much for me, I don't crack under pressure, and I won't in this situation. Please help me. Do I need to part ways with my wife to prevent the heartache for the both of us or do I need to just say "F" my family, ie. mom, brother, sis, and what they think and just keep doing what I am doing with my kids seeing them when I can and continuing the same .

 

Help me!!!!

[disconcertainly]

Your marriage is very young.... I think you need to go to couples counsiling. It sounds to me as if she is a very jealous woman anything that takes the attention off of her is not good. If you both Love each other then she should be willing to go to counsiling. If the behavior does not change I am almost going to say your marriage will not last. This is a problem that is not going to be solved over night you are both going to need to work hard. Decide what is most important.

[jmargel]

Your wife has mental problems. She knew before marrying you, that you had kids. Your kids should also be a top priority, not just her. Her physical abuse is something to never tolerate. I would leave. Let her be on her own for awhile and if she comes begging back and you feel it's right in your heart, then goto marriage counseling. It's obivous she hates your kids and anyone who has a personality of hating any type of children needs to be locked up and/or therapy.

[LolaLopez]

your kids need you and the woman you are married to needs to understand that. i agree that counseling is the way to go. if your wife is unwilling to change i believe then it is grounds for divorce. ideally, your wife should support and love you and who you are, including your responsibility to these two young people who are innocent here. with what is going on I would say no way should they live with you and I fear for the way she will treat them if they visit your home. they do not deserve that.

 

the violence scares me. something very serious could happen in a fit of anger/jealousy. You are both in danger. Seek counseling right away. And do not let your children witness these violent fights as it will be so very traumatic for them and have dire consequences for you if they were to tell their mother.

good luck

[Craig]

Under no circumstances should you ever do anything physical to your wife even in self defense unless your life is in real danger and there is no escape. You are right the police would likely haul you off to D-block if your wife had a mark on her--even if you are laying in a pool of your own blood from her attack.

 

You are being abused by your wife and you must take action right now. First do some research on the web on "battered men", "battered husbands", "abused men" you get the idea. Second find some counselling right now! You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline for Men at Toll Free 1-877-643-1120 Access Code #0757 Nationwide. Third make a safety plan for yourself. Figure out what you will do when the violence escalates to a point that you have to leave immediately, where will you go, where will you stay, what about money, safeguard your important papers, etc. It may be a good idea to hide the pictures you consider valuable to you at some location other than your home. Your wife has a huge problem with violence and you are in danger right now. She may be smaller than you but if she chooses to use a weapon when she is in an uncontrollable fit of rage you could be pushing up daisies.

 

Here is a link to a good internet site: http://www.batteredmen.com/

 

I know what you are going through I'm a survivor of domestic violence myself. I'm no pussy either at 6'2" 210 lbs trained in karate, tai kwon do, hapkido, ju jitsu, taught street self defense and worked as a bouncer. Like you I refuse to respond to violence from my wife with any kind of violence in return. I am getting counselling from a Domestic Violence counsellor and a battered men survivors group.

 

Thank you for posting, more men need to step forward and let the world know that it's not just men that abuse women but that it works both ways.

[moimeme]

A female batterer is every bit as bad as a male batterer and the same advice applies - leave now. IF she gets a LOT of counselling, she might change but the same things that cause men to batter cause women to batter and they can be just as difficult to treat.

 

Children of abusers often marry abusers - something in them must recognize something in the abuser - after all, abuse gets all tangled up with love when they are kids.

 

NOBODY deserves to be abused, not a 5'2" woman nor a 6'8" man. It is unfortunate that you ended up with this person but cut your losses when you can.

[kjace]

Please don't think that the behavior you described (tearing photos, alienating you from your kids, physically attacking) is normal, caring, or acceptable. I've met a number of men -- both in my personal and professional life -- who have tried to deal with similar behaviors. Such behavior is abusive. Please seek out assistance, perhaps through some of the resources already suggested. There is no shame -- only the potential for greater safety, happiness, and well-being. (Plus, your children won't be subject to terrible lessons re family dynamics and marriage.)

 

Please also know that there is middle ground between your father's behavior as described and allowing yourself to be subject to anyone's abusive behavior. You may never have seen it up close and personal -- but it truly is possible to be in a relationship where high priorities are respect, candid communication, and safety.

 

On a separate note -- you mentioned working out an agreement w/your children's mother so that you don't have to pay child support. Have you consulted an attorney? I don't know of any state that will allow one parent (here, the mother) to waive child support. (Technically, the support is the children's, not hers.) Of course, this is not to say that what you give is not counted. Please be able to document this, just in case. Clearly, this is not your highest priority right now -- your safety and mental health are. However I would encourage you to look into this issue more carefully when you are able.

 

Good luck.

[RainyDay]

I agree with everyone else here, you guys need counseling. Both of you together would be best, but even if it's just your wife who goes, that's good enough. You might be interested in reading about Borderline Personality Disorder and being married to someone who has it. I don't have any links offhand but you could google it and see if it sounds like it might fit.

 

Please take care.

[Bubbles]

keithgray21,

 

And how does your lovely wife feel about animals? I'll bet she can't stand them.

 

She definatly has some kind of personality dissorder. Have you ever seen the movie Jungle to Jungle with Tim Allen? You should - Trust me.

 

Being a "Good Father" is much more important than being a "Good Husband" I think if you can succeed at being a good father......you can succeed at any-thing.

 

And for God's sakes please don't any-one one retaliate back at me bashing me for the Father statement! My Ex husband is the Best Father in the whole wide world but..........he sucks as a husband......Go Figure!

 

 

Bubbles