Can anyone tell me that why A seems like addiction?

[Mount]

Besides sometimes I like shopping for very nice/luxury fashion stuff, I am not addicted into anything else. Even I have willpower to stop eating those junkie snacks...etc 4~5 years ago.

 

But it seems that I can not get myself out of the Affair. It happened a few times I sent txt msgs to MM that I wante to end, the two days after I will cave in myself, without his convincing....

 

I feel like I am losing myself, my self-respect...etc.

[Lois]

Dopamine has a lot to do with it.

[Mount]

I also feel the body-ache, sometimes depressed a bit, distracted as another poster mentioned in her post as well.

 

 

 

Dopamine has a lot to do with it.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Mount

[sad puppy]

Listen, when you get sick of it all, you end it. Period. It hurts but it hurts less than staying in the affair. You have to let it go, and the sooner the better. Just get through one day, and then another, and then another.

 

I truly believe that some men cheat and some men do not, under any circumstances.

 

Dump him,just do it.

Edited November 11, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect

[whichwayisup]

Besides sometimes I like shopping for very nice/luxury fashion stuff, I am not addicted into anything else. Even I have willpower to stop eating those junkie snacks...etc 4~5 years ago.

 

But it seems that I can not get myself out of the Affair. It happened a few times I sent txt msgs to MM that I wante to end, the two days after I will cave in myself, without his convincing....

 

I feel like I am losing myself, my self-respect...etc.

 

Because you like how you feel when the rollercoaster is at it's highest point and you are getting something out of it, like a big high from a drug. The thing is, as you well know, that high feeling doesn't last long before the crash comes..

 

Of course the A isn't going to end, why should he believe you if you end it and then contact him a few days later. he has no reason for it to end since you continue on, taking what he gives you on his time frame, when he feels like it.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again..It'll end when you truly want it to end and you've reached your 'enough is enough' stage.

 

ANY habit can be broken if you put your mind to it and have will power. But, as long as you let your emotions and sex-drive/lust take over and how he makes you feel rule over good and better judgement, this will go on and on and on..

[Miss Olivia]

Unfortunately, like a drug, an affair is addictive. You will also try to chase the high long after it's over. Get ready because the worst is yet to come. You have to weigh the pros and cons. The feeling it gives you is not worth all the pain you will endure.

[Mount]

What worst could be?

 

Unfortunately, like a drug, an affair is addictive. You will also try to chase the high long after it's over. Get ready because the worst is yet to come. You have to weigh the pros and cons. The feeling it gives you is not worth all the pain you will endure.

[whichwayisup]

I also feel the body-ache, sometimes depressed a bit, distracted as another poster mentioned in her post as well.

 

What worst could be?

 

Magnify the above 100x more and know that you could end up in a shrinks office and on meds, not knowing who you are or whom you've become.

 

Mount, you've read many situations on here by OW/OM, even know what the devastation an A causes, the fallout etc, as you've read in the infidelity section.

 

I believe you're a lot stronger than you realize, you're just afraid to feel pain of ending it and having to grieve, really grieve the loss of him out of your life and that's part of why you're hanging on.

[Mount]

That would be very terrifying. Also are you saying all OWs or ex-OWs are crazy?

 

Magnify the above 100x more[/b]up;4382247] and know that you could end up in a shrinks office and on meds, not knowing who you are or whom you've become.

 

Mount, you've read many situations on here by OW/OM, even know what the devastation an A causes, the fallout etc, as you've read in the infidelity section.

 

I believe you're a lot stronger than you realize, you're just afraid to feel pain of ending it and having to grieve, really grieve the loss of him out of your life and that's part of why you're hanging on.

 

 

I think, as a woman my emotional attachment is getting more and more when the A develops over past 5.5 months.

 

I do worry what will turn out, the terrifying result that WWI describes.:eek: That is why I said I want to get out, but as you saw what my posts above, even though I tried a couple times sent him txt msg wanting to end, he did same as well one time, but I always gave in, throwing myself to him again.

Edited November 11, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

That would be very terrifying. Also are you saying all OWs or ex-OWs are crazy?

 

No, not at all. I'm just saying this A can do a lot more damage than you realize and the fact is, you can't let go - Won't let go and as time goes on you're in this deeper and deeper.

 

The seeing a shrink thing , many people do throughout their life for whatever reason, it's just that (as you know) affairs bring out the worst emotions when it ends and many can't cope with life afterwards.

 

I"m not implying anybody is crazy. People just lose who they are along the way..

[whichwayisup]

But again, if by "using" each other, we have to be very fond of each other first.

 

I think, as a woman my emotional attachment is getting more and more when the A develops over past 5.5 months.

 

I do worry what will turn out, the terrifying result that WWI describes.:eek: That is why I said I want to get out, but as you saw what my posts above, even though I tried a couple times sent him txt msg wanting to end, he did same as well one time, but I always gave in, throwing myself to him again.

 

Mount, you could just tell him you've had enough and then change your number.

 

You want it to end for real, end it. just do it!!

 

Don't be scared of the pain of it ending. That final pain will hurt but it is final in the sense of it helping you begin your grieving and healing process.

 

The longer you stay in the A, the harder it'll be to end it as time goes on. You've been with him for less than 6 months! You were fine before, you'll be fine afterwards.. imagine the pain if you were with him for 3 years or more like some OW who still are in it. Don't go there!

[Pierre]

"Romantic love is an addiction," said study author Helen E. Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University who studies love. "It’s a very powerfully wonderful addiction when things are going well and a perfectly horrible addiction when things are going poorly," she said.

 

The researchers speculate the brain's response to romantic rejection may have an evolutionary basis.

 

"I think the brain circuitry for romantic love evolved millions of years ago, to enable our ancestors to focus their mating energy on just one person at a time and start that mating process," Fisher said. "And when you've been rejected in love, you have lost life's greatest prize, which is a mating partner."

 

"This brain system becomes activated probably to help you try to win this person back so you focus on them and crave them and try to get them back," she said.

 

Brains of the heart-broken

 

Fisher and her colleagues scanned the brains of 15 college-aged volunteers (10 women and 5 men) who had all recently experienced a break up, but were still in love with the person who had rejected them. The average length of the relationship was about 2 years, and about 2 months had passed, on average, since the relationship ended.

 

All participants scored high on the Passionate Love Scale, a questionnaire psychologists use to measure the intensity of romantic feelings. Participants also said they spent more than 85 percent of their waking hours thinking about their rejecter.

 

In the experiment, the subjects viewed a photograph of their former partner and were asked to think about events that occurred with him or her. The subjects also looked at a neutral image of a familiar person, such as a classmate or friend of a friend. To try and suppress the romantic feelings conjured up from the first half of the experiment, the researchers had participants compete a math exercise in between viewing the rejecter photograph and the neutral photograph.

 

Among the findings

 

Viewing their former loved one stimulated a region of the brain called the ventral tegmental area, involved in motivation and reward. Previous work has found this region is also active in people who are madly in love. This makes sense, because "Whether you're happily in love or whether you're unhappily in love, you're still in love," Fisher said.

Brain regions known as the nucleus accumbens and orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex were also activated. These regions are known to be associated with intense cocaine addiction and cigarette addiction.

There was also increased activity in the brain's insular cortex and the anterior cingulated, regions associated with physical pain and distress.

'Romantic Love Is an Addiction,' Researchers Say | LiveScience

[Pierre]

By the way:

 

The addiction is much greater in affair love. The hurdles make the craving a 100 times greater.

[Mount]

Hi LFH, your analysis seems to be making very much sense. The only incorrect part is that he does not make my lifestyle changing at all, we are both comfortable financially, or if you are talking about numbers yes he is richer than me, because he has wife....two parts of incomes plus he is much older than me.

 

As to your below Option 1 I am not very clear about what you said, but yes I am dreading what is going to come if I don't detach now, which I am not able to detach now anyway.

 

Option 2, I tried, a couple times, sending ending messages but my behavior conflicted my messages right away.

 

Option 3, I asked (by testing, even though I am not really ready), the MM said he is not going to leave marriage now.

 

Guess I am back to Option 1?

 

 

You are 5.5 months in if I remember and am reading correctly. You are primarly involved because he makes your life more comfortable, correct? And he with you because of the physical intimacy correct? (If I have this wrong I apologize) And now you are starting to feel strongly about him and discovering that you are having a hard time being without him.

 

 

You have a choice. You can do one of the following:

• Stay involved and realize that you will become a long term OW. You will make compromises and you will give up many of the things you might have had if you had not been involved in a long term affair. Don't ever forget that. You will continue to reap the "benefits" of your arrangement but the more you care, if he doesn't, it will hurt more every day. If he cares about you and you opt to stay together, you should know that you are taking the risk of discovery every day.
  
• You can walk away and know that it will hurt for a while, but you will recover. You have stated that your feelings are becoming more involved. That gets more so every day. If your heart is going to break, break it when it isn't fully engaged.
  
• Ask him to make a choice.
  

That's really it. Those are the 3 options. There is no "I can't pull away" because if that's what you want you will. You're stronger than that and you know it. It's like a bandaid, rip it off, it's going to hurt but then it's done. If you wait another year you'll be laying in bed sobbing for days, weeks,months. Every one of those people recovers eventually too. If you do it now, it sounds like it will be a little discomfort for a few days.

 

Embrace your choice, do you want to be the OW or not? Is it worth it? Make your choice and then own it.

[ThatJustHappened]

Hi LFH, your analysis seems to be making very much sense. The only incorrect part is that he does not make my lifestyle changing at all, we are both comfortable financially, or if you are talking about numbers yes he is richer than me, because he has wife....two parts of incomes plus he is much older than me.

 

As to your below Option 1 I am not very clear about what you said, but yes I am dreading what is going to come if I don't detach now, which I am not able to detach now anyway.

 

Option 2, I tried, a couple times, sending ending messages but my behavior conflicted my messages right away.

 

Option 3, I asked (by testing, even though I am not really ready), the MM said he is not going to leave marriage now.

 

Guess I am back to Option 1?

 

You could detach. You are CHOOSING not to. You are choosing to be the side piece. Own up. There's no such thing as can't in cases like this. You can..you just don't want to.

[justcantletgo]

You could detach. You are CHOOSING not to. You are choosing to be the side piece. Own up. There's no such thing as can't in cases like this. You can..you just don't want to.

 

 

you know what, I wish it was REALLY that easy. i have all the reasons to forget about my xMM (he lied to me about being married, we have zero contact anymore plus i just found a new awesome boyfriend) but all of these are just plain futile. my heart is still crying and yearning for him.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it seems you are afraid of losing yourself because of your affair...

 

my question to you would be, at the most fundamental level, who are you?is this affair really being true to yourself and who you are?

 

true love brigs out the bet n a person...is your affair doing that, or is it bringing out the worst in you?

[ThatJustHappened]

you know what, I wish it was REALLY that easy. i have all the reasons to forget about my xMM (he lied to me about being married, we have zero contact anymore plus i just found a new awesome boyfriend) but all of these are just plain futile. my heart is still crying and yearning for him.

 

If you do not act on it, it will slowly but surely get better. That's the difference.

 

And if you're still in love with your ex, you shouldn't be with someone else. That's really unfair.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, the posts from Pierre covered/indicated the medical/psychological background pretty well. What we 'feel' is a product of the chemical factory which is our brain. If you're having issues resolving this and want to resolve it, whether that means understanding the process, ending the affair, or both, and are unable to personally, asking for professional help would be a healthy next step. What do we suggest to someone who wants to stop drinking but is unable to? AA and detox.

 

'I'm Mount and I'm addicted to a married person'

 

It really OK and healthy to say that. Own it. Understand it. Process it. Do the work. Good luck.

[Mount]

Thx Carhill for the information.

 

But again, it is not like that I can not live without the Affair being with the MM. Most of you were right, the reason I have not let the A go is that I did not decide to give up immediately. I am still thinking, debating with myself right now.

 

OP, IMO, the posts from Pierre covered/indicated the medical/psychological background pretty well. What we 'feel' is a product of the chemical factory which is our brain. If you're having issues resolving this and want to resolve it, whether that means understanding the process, ending the affair, or both, and are unable to personally, asking for professional help would be a healthy next step. What do we suggest to someone who wants to stop drinking but is unable to? AA and detox.

 

'I'm Mount and I'm addicted to a married person'

 

It really OK and healthy to say that. Own it. Understand it. Process it. Do the work. Good luck.