KissMyTiara Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Morgana and Kitten... My fear is that we will put up with it FOREVER, unless something happens where the MM takes it all away from us for good. What it is about our respective MMs that keeps us hanging on, I just don't know. I think I agree with Morgana on the ego issue... If you were him, wouldn't you be so stoked? Imagine yourself married to just a blah guy who happens to take care of everything on the home front, and while you're bored and not all that interested in him anymore, you have the comfort of knowing he will always be there...and then you have this hottie guy on the side, sorta like an Abercrombie and Fitch model or something, you also would do anything to be with you, gives you amazing sex, and makes you feel like the most amazing goddess ever - and add to that the zest that is the thrill of the risk. What would you do? In a way, I don't blame the MM for having his cake and eating it too, ya know? It's as if I totally understand what he is doing and why, but I don't like it. On the other hand, I know what I am doing, but I don't know WHY. Someone's gotta tell me the WHY. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 You guys really understand! I can't believe everything I am hearing because it's so similar!My MM supports me financially and I am head over heels in love w him, thats my awnser for holding on because in every other part of my life I am very strong. I can honestly say that I have never had it sooo good and probably will never again. But on the other hand after discussing this w a male friend of mine he made it pretty clear. He said he has put you where you are and loves it! He has you by the balls, pardon the expression, but it's true! He has you right where he want's you, he made it so it's difficult for you to just walk away. He said he's sucssesful in his business he can sell anyone, and you took the bait. It would take you a year to reorganize yourself and life if he decides to walk away, then what? So w this in mind I have been trying to set up a game plan, in case. Ohhh the drama, why does life throw me a wonderful man but then fight me for him- Will life ever just be normal? Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 i too wonder if life will ever be normal. i really thought that my relationship with my MM was headed in a positive direction. he took all my fears of being involved with him and disolved them and then fate took over and he changed his mind. i wish i could turn back time and not have his wife find out. i'll always wonder if we would have just been going on as we were and he'd be getting divorced this time next year? but all the what ifs have been doing nothing but making me sad. i'm tired of crying and i'm tired of missing him so much and all i want to do is call him to hear his voice. i'd love to see him too. i know i entered into this knowing the drawbacks but i really did believe that his marriage was ending since it was his wife that was pushing for it and he agreed that they were no longer good together. a friend of mine said to me the other night that it's time for the sun to shine on me for a while. but all it feels like now is that i'm caught in a never ending eclipse. i know that in time that will pass and the sun will shine again, but i just want someone to tell me when? Link to post Share on other sites
kitten Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 I can't give you an awnser and I wish I knew myself. I know it's only a matter of time before change and as far as these stories I read go, it dosen't look good. But in my heart I believe that there is a fighting chance. My male friend also said to me which was very true and something I really never thought about, he said even if he does leave and decide to be w you it can be anywhere from 2-3 yaers before he's truly divorced and then the fun starts w seeing the children and him seeing her to exchange the kids and so on. He said is this guy worth all this? It's going to be a loooooooong road are you up for the fight? Because be prepared it won't be pretty. Wow that made me think, he's sooo right! Can I wait another 3 years until he's mine and then will he do the same thing to me in 10 years? Is he a serial cheater? Do I want a man who's never home but financially supports the family? Sounds to me like i'm getting the short end of the stick. But for now all I will say is right now this situation works for me, if things change great if not I am already planning for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 i hope it all works out for you. i hope it works out for all of us. yes, it's a long road but some things are worth fighting for. it's just hard to know which things are and which aren't. my divorce took about a year and a half and it was a year of hell. and then all the adjusting to new situations etc. and then there's the fear that if he does leave her and ends up with me, in addition to the serial cheater, is he going to want to play the field and see what else is out there? my ex stuck with his girlfriend so i know that sometimes it can work but i know there's no guarantee. at this point, i'm pretty sure i'll try as hard as i can to hang in there until he and his wife figure out whether their marriage is worth saving. i just hate not knowing what's going on. i know he needs his distance to figure it all out but i hate knowing that there's something going on that changes my life but not knowing what's happening and when and on and on. i try to tell myself that someday i'll look back on this and know that it was just a dark time that passed, hopefully that time will be soon for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Is it inevitable that after the affair ends and the person decides to stay in their marriage that the other man/other woman is incapable of keeping a friendship with the married/involved individual? Has anyone remained friends with someone after the affair was over? Has anyone recaptured a friendship with their ex-lover after time has passed? It's inevitable. They never remain friends. The friendship is over forever. Hope that helps. How old is this thread anyway? I didn't check. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 How old is this thread anyway? I didn't check. 4th August 2004 12:08 PM LOL! I think this is why pocky posted about this in the Rant/rave section...Or is someone being a smart a$$? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 wow this is old! i was even posting under a different "assumed" name then! and as always, i may be the lone voice here stating that it can and does happen, but it may be more work than many are willing to put into it. and i think it also depends on whether or not the W found out. i am still friends with MM#1 but it took a lot of work, and you have to be really careful to keep ALL emails and communications strictly on that level. we cut most contact for a few months and only email about once a month but i do see him around more often than that. we are just friends, and since he just left his wife, i'm so glad i came to peace with that before he left her. i don't even want to think about the false hope i'd have at this point if i was still wrapped up in the possibility of him. i feel so badly for him and his family that they're going through this mess, but it was inevitable. the marriage was bad. and yes sometime MMs are telling the truth about it ... and i heard the same things from his W .... although i'm his friend, and he knows i'm here to talk to about whatever he wants, i know he won't choose to sit and talk to me for hours about what's going on. and that's fine. he lets me know how much he's struggling and that he appreciates my support for him trying to work things out with his W and he knows i sincerely mean it when i say it. Link to post Share on other sites
ubermann Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Old or new thread... makes no difference the issue is timeless. I must admit Pocky your post about wanting to be friends with this other man aroused some anger in me. Did your hubby know you wanted to remain friends with this other man. Personally I couldn't and would not tolerate that. And since we know that a woman's sex drive is fullest when she's with new and different people I would feel completely rejected. My wife had the hots for other men in the past and even threw me out of the house one time. We had problems of course and I was a reaL prick at the time but still if she wanted to remain friends with the fella, all bets are off!! If I was your hubby I would consider buying a hooker. There is no reason to be the second best. To just sit back and watch the wife hang out with someone who excites her more than me. F@*% that!! It would be WAR. Probably divorce, since you'd come home to see me get my rocks off with another woman. And then you'd be real pissed to know I spent $50 to get her over there. Maybe your hubby could take it good luck to you, I agree with the other posters stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Is it inevitable that after the affair ends and the person decides to stay in their marriage that the other man/other woman is incapable of keeping a friendship with the married/involved individual? Has anyone remained friends with someone after the affair was over? Has anyone recaptured a friendship with their ex-lover after time has passed? When I was with my ex who became a MM we tried to be friends but after some time it was impossible. Now a days we still talk over the phone but when he asks to see me I clearly say, "NO"!!!! I think it's very rare when you only remain friends with someone you've had an affair with. Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 next: we get a bit chubby and a bit happy .....and we start feeling sexy again! Link to post Share on other sites
Sad Flower Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 No it won't work my XMM and I tried to remain friends after he decided to go back with his wife the first time but there was too much temptaion.....he didn't end up going back to his wife he had to tell her he wasn't going home to work it out after he had told her he would...he stayed with me and we dated a few more months..he eventually went back with her though and we don't do much talking he hates me basically Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 There's no way that it can end as friends...both because of the temptation that Sad talks about, and because of the serious strain that friendship would put on the already damaged marriage. There is NO WAY the betrayed spouse would EVER trust that friendship again, ever! Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Ironically, the vibrant, renewed discussion on Pocky's ancient Thread belies Pocky's criticisms of resurrected Threads. This Thread still has legs. This is one old post worth revisiting. As for remaining friends, my ex-MW and I no longer communicate. We remained emotionally involved well after the sex and romance ceased. It was the ex-MW who would call me every day even though I never called her. Post-marriage, my new single love interest insisted that I tell my ex-MW to cease all communications with me. She was right to insist. "Friendship" with an ex-affair partner often is an interlude between reignited sex and romance. Affairs die hard. It's liberating, however, to be free of the shackles of both a dead marriage and the dusty, emotional residue of a long concluded affair. Start fresh and clean, if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pocky Posted March 24, 2005 Author Share Posted March 24, 2005 Ironically, the vibrant, renewed discussion on Pocky's ancient Thread belies Pocky's criticisms of resurrected Threads. This Thread still has legs. This is one old post worth revisiting. I tried to restrain myself from posting on such an old thread, but the consistent reference to my name has sucked me back in. Naturally, I have to disagree with you, Sug. The only reason why this thread resurfaced was because Johan was making a funny by pulling my oldest thread from the archives in response to my old post discussion. And I'm not sure it still has legs as the circumstances that lead to my posting this has completely changed and the discussion does not apply. Does the topic in general still have merit? Possibly, so anyone is free to start another thread discussing this. However, for you, dear one, I will concede if you would like. Shall I say, "uncle", on this thread or shall I say it on the old post thread? Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Pocky, there's no need to cry "uncle" or "aunt" for that matter. Your criticisms of ancient thread resurrections are valid 99% of the time. It's just that sometimes a well crafted, stimulating thread, as yours usually are, can have new life breathed into them. As here, my dear. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 sugaree, good to see your familiar face! i think any one in a serious relationship has the "right" to ask that someone break contact. and as i stated before, i may be the lone voice in saying that friendship is possible. but ... as i also said, it may be diff. if the BS knows. my choices with MM#1 were, repair the friendship we had to start with, drop my circle of friends, move, or pull my kids from all activities that they had that also involved his kids. only one of those was really possible and it took a lot of work on my part to distance myself and just go back to being a friend. it does not work in most cases, i will admit that, it's hard, and there were many times i had to put on a happy face when i didn't want to. but we've made it, he's a good man and i now respect him enough to leave him alone while he figures out his life. izzy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pocky Posted March 24, 2005 Author Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by MySugaree Pocky, there's no need to cry "uncle" or "aunt" for that matter. That's too bad. I was rather enjoying the role of the submissive. Another time, maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Izzybelle, it's good to see you, too! My ex-MW absolutely believes that we could remain the best of friends. When I called to tell her that she must not contact me ever again, she admitted that she remained emotionally involved. Because I have incentive to grow my relationship with this single woman without any fallout from the long-over affair, I was motivated to break those last few links to my ex-MW. Absent my new love, would I have attempted to remain friends with my ex-MW. Yes. Would I have been successful? I'll never know. What I do know is that NC has made my new relationship richer, more rewarding and intimate. Ex's can haunt new, vulnerable relationships. No more ghosts. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Wow. This is interesting - old or new. MySugaree - interesting post there. I am in an on again/off again "friendship" with my ex-MM. There are days when I think it's just fine, and days when I think it's not good for me at all. My honest opinion is that while he and I both stay connected because we miss each other and the connection we shared, I think we'd both be better off to disconnect at this point, at least for a significant period of time. I've tried and failed at this repeatedly - I made it less than a day on my last No Contact mission - but I am starting to come around to the idea as being the best thing for me. Sort of like the gym - not always easy to get motivated to get there but clearly needed and beneficial in the long run! I will say that if a married person is committed to making their marriage work post-affair, I can't see how staying in contact with the person they had the A with could possibly be a good thing for the marriage.... Link to post Share on other sites
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