Needs space?

[Cali]

Hello -

 

First off would like to say thanks to the friend that showed me to the forums. My question at hand, that I hope someone could help me with, is what I need to do for my wife. We were in bed last night, and she started to cry. I of course asked what was wrong, and she told me about how she feels. She feels that I am always watching her, and she does not have the space that she used to have. She then told me about how she felt horrid about having those feelings, since she knows they are not healthy for our marriage. She cried into my shoulder and told me how she does not want to hurt me, and that she loves me. I asked her what I can do/ what should I do. She won't help me, help her. I want to do what I need to make her happy, or do I need to face the fact that she is depressed, and may need help. Or even worse .... falling out of love?

 

Thanks for any help available.

[MeanNewYorker]

Hey man -- I have no real feedback that can offer you any insight. But after reading your post, it got me thinking about my wife and I.

 

When we first got married, we lived in a tiny studio (yes, one room!) for almost two years. Can you imagine that? It was such an experience, that when moved to a two-bedroom apartment, it was so strange.....having a room to sit by oneself, what a thought. Space didn't even exist if we wanted it to, I'm jealous, atleast you have a door close when you need to be alone.

 

But good luck with your issue.

[Moose]

Cali,

Are you two newlyweds? If so Congrats!!!!

 

Every month or so, ( I try to make it more ), I will send my wife to the spa. She spends 24/7 of her time at home for the bulk of the year. So i make it a point that she goes somewhere, ( BY HERSELF ) as frequently as I can. I make all the arrangements to have a massage, hot tub, hair appointment, the works all lined up for her.

 

If your not the trusting type, this may be hard for you to do. But you will gain respect from your wife letting her go alone.

 

I'd try that at the very least, then if she needs more stimulation, encourage her to take up a hobby. I never thought a mother should work outside the home, so of course my wife doesn't work. But if you have no children, maybe a PT job will keep her busy.

 

Find out what she likes to do, OUTSIDE of the house and encourage her to do more with it and better yet, get involved yourself.

 

Good Luck

Moose

[Artifact]

She says she loves you, she is aware her feelings are affecting the marriage, and she is open enough to tell you what she feels is wrong. I think these are all positive signs that you two can work through this!

First maybe talk to her and ask if she feels like this about other things as well. Could she be suffering from depression? Is she having any trouble at work, or does she seem to be spending less time with friends? I don't know a lot about depression symptoms, but I hear it makes everything seem bleak.

If that is not it, just start finding opportunities to either give her time alone at home (go grocery shopping, see a movie, see your friends, visit some of your family-something she may be glad you are doing alone ) or stay home and do something like moose suggested. Send her somewhere for pampering, give her $30 to take a close friend out for dinner, offer to make dinner at home while she spends the afternoon shopping (window shopping is fine!)

If she likes exercise, maybe she can go to a gym, or running, or hiking. I hear that endorphins can help many things.

It is great that you can talk about it with her, and that she is giving you the opportunity to understand what she is feeling. (and work with her on it!)

[jmargel]

Does she have other friends to go out with by herself? When she goes out, do you call her? Do you ask questions when she comes back? Are you together all the time? Do you have other hobbies or things you do alone?

 

You need to address this right away, and be glad she told you about this. Usually the other person waits until it gets so bad, and they leave. She shouldnt feel awful about these feelings. It's nothing against you. Women need private time.

 

My fiancee for some wierd reason likes to sleep alone every once in awhile. Try to occupy yourself with other things and let her go out on her own.

[Cali]

Thanks so far =) She does have a friend she goes out with alone.... I dont call or bother her at all. We share the same hobby at home on off times.

 

No children, not for lack of trying. So she is still working a FT job.

[Moose]

Then it sound more like the, "Same ole routine blues" to me. Try to do something different during the week. Something off the wall that you normally wouldn't do.