Can't ask a woman out - Insecure because of being overweight

[IT Geek]

Here's a question for the ladies out there....

 

Would you date a guy that was significantly overweight if he has changed his lifestyle? Eating healthier, green smoothies for breakfast, walking/hiking at least 15 miles a week, doing Couch25k, and dropping the weight?

 

I ask because I'm that guy.

 

I was in a 16 year marriage until my wife decided she liked a guy at work. After she left, I decided to make a serious life chance. I've lost 100lbs over the past 15 months and continuing to drop. My BP is back down to normal, I have a resting heart rate of 65-70, so I'm in pretty good physical health except for needing to lose the weight. My doctor actually said that I'm in better overall health than a lot of people in my age range.

 

I just have a serious insecurity complex. I'd rather walk on hot coals than approach a woman somewhere and try to start up a conversation because I'm afraid I'll get blown off because I'm not physically attractive (at least in my opinion). I have a great job in IT, successful in my career, financially stable, and have been told I'm a great kisser(LOL). But I'm just dealthly afraid of rejection, and have this preconceived notion that due to my weight/looks I will be rejected so why risk anything? There is a women in a dinner club for singles that I'm a member of and would love to ask out, but this whole insecurity thing is like a brick wall. I know she's way out of my league physically (kind of like beauty and the beast), but we have a lot in common (animal lovers, sci-fi geeks, etc).

 

So has anyone else out there had to deal with this type of insecurity and fear? Any suggestions on how to overcome it?

[Sauron]

Dude

 

The only way you get better at something is to just do it, if it doesn't work out refine and keep trying. Ask her out if she says no, be polite and ask her why, tell her you are newly single and want feed back on what you need to do.

 

Congrats on your accomplishments. You might read some articles on nutrition and body re-composition, add weight lifting to your cardio efforts and give yourself a year. You will be amazed at your transformation. Good luck.

[january2011]

Agree with "just do it."

 

Your confidence took a hit. All you can do is get back on the horse and keep going. No one likes rejection but you can learn to deal with it and shrug it off.

 

Practise talking to people, especially women. Then ask them out.

 

Or try total immersion: go to a bar and chat up every woman there - get the bar staff to feed you lines to try. Get rejected multiple times and learn that it's not the big scary monster you think it is.

[mesmerized]

Why not wait to get in better shape before asking out women?

[IT Geek]

Why not wait to get in better shape before asking out women?

 

 

1. I'll still have the same anxiety then
   
2. It would be nice to have a companion at the holiday parties I'm invited to.
   

[mesmerized]

1. I'll still have the same anxiety then
   
2. It would be nice to have a companion at the holiday parties I'm invited to.
   

 

How old are you? If you are late thirties and up women your age probably won't care about your weight much.

[IT Geek]

How old are you? If you are late thirties and up women your age probably won't care about your weight much.

 

45...and I was told a while back by someone I was seeing "I like you, but I want a size 36 you." Not exactly an ego booster...lol.

[IT Geek]

Agree with "just do it."

 

Or try total immersion: go to a bar and chat up every woman there - get the bar staff to feed you lines to try. Get rejected multiple times and learn that it's not the big scary monster you think it is.

 

That's part of my whole problem. I saw a 60 year old guy at a singles get together who had more "game" in his pinky than I have in my entire body. I have NO clue about how to chat up women. I never really went out in college and as such never had a chance to develop those interpersonal skills. I was more worried about getting my masters than figuring out how to meet women. Sometimes I wish I could trade a few IQ points for more social skills.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

IT Geek, did the 60 year old actually get anywhere with the women in question? Looking like you have game and actually having game are two different things.

 

Although I am pretty much against the idea all together about a guy having "game". I think men should develop their social skills and all but not if it's just to get laid.

 

I once dated an over-weight computer graphics/designer guy that collected action figures and where all over his place. He was a total nerd and over-weight and he was also a fantastic kisser and i was into him for the time we went out. I actually thought the things that made him nerdy where endearing. Until he dumped me to go out with his next door neighbor, he was older than me and his neighbor was the same age as himself. 6 months later I got an Im chat "hello" where he told me one day he came home to surprise his lovely girlfriend only to see her having sex with the other next door neighbor on the other side. I honestly felt bad about that for him and was way over him by the time he talked to me that I gave him some friendly advice.

 

As a guy, you have a much more likely chance that a woman will want you for you, rather then your looks. You will find way more women with over-weight, average guys when they are beautiful. As you described the women you are interested in as. Men feel an entitlement to beauty that I don't think women do. So go for it. You never know what turns someone on.

[suladas]

I use to think like that, but I found it was more my lack of confidence then anything. Getting pursued for months by my ex who was WAY better looking then me, at least in my opinion, though she argued that, then when together being really confident and seeing women actually checking me out for the first time in my life, and actually getting approached. I realize now it was more lack of confidence. I'm a bit overweight nothing crazy and I realize that a lot of women don't care about it at all, especially if you are still the active type. Confidence is much more important.

[IT Geek]

I'm a bit overweight nothing crazy and I realize that a lot of women don't care about it at all, especially if you are still the active type. Confidence is much more important.

 

 

I'm way more than "a bit" overweight, I still need to lose about 100 lbs.

[Nightsky]

It's kind of funny because I find asking women out to be pleasant. Part of the fun of meeting a girl.

 

On the other hand I hate my current job but the thought of going on interviews, filling out long applications for another job seems torturous to me. I feel like I won't even get a better job and would rather walk on hot coals than waste my time... yet like you I know its what I need to be doing even though I'm not. Maybe today I'll send out some job apps. maybe today.

[Imported]

So she is generally attractive for most men and you're obese....but you both like cats and dogs and sci/fi. You both probably also like ice cream, maybe chocolate is both your favs. OP, lose the weight to a point where you think you are attractive and then approach women that are fit. Or just do what you want, she will say yes or no. I don't really know.

[Nightsky]

So she is generally attractive for most men and you're obese....but you both like cats and dogs and sci/fi. You both probably also like ice cream, maybe chocolate is both your favs. OP, lose the weight to a point where you think you are attractive and then approach women that are fit. Or just do what you want, she will say yes or no. I don't really know.

 

He likes her is the important part. He's interested, so he should ask her out. Who cares if he's fat. He should try to get healthy either way but no time like the present to go after girls. Can't wait for some day in the future where everything's perfect.

[KathyM]

I think it's great that you've lost so much weight. Keep up the good work. In the meantime, there's no reason not to ask women out. There are plenty of women that can empathize with weight struggles and may be struggling with their own weight that would not hold your excess weight against you. The thinner women are probably going to want someone who is also normal body weight, so you may have to wait until you drop that extra 100 lbs. before you'll get a lot of positive responses from thin women, but keeping working at it, and you'll get there.

[IT Geek]

He likes her is the important part. He's interested, so he should ask her out. Who cares if he's fat. He should try to get healthy either way but no time like the present to go after girls. Can't wait for some day in the future where everything's perfect.

 

I am doing that. My eating habits have improved tremendously, I have a green smoothie for breakfast every morning, only water or natural juice to drink, and hiking/walking 15-20 miles a week. I guess I'm a work in progress, but does that really matter to women, or just the end result?

[Nightsky]

I am doing that. My eating habits have improved tremendously, I have a green smoothie for breakfast every morning, only water or natural juice to drink, and hiking/walking 15-20 miles a week. I guess I'm a work in progress, but does that really matter to women, or just the end result?

 

You're not insecure because you're overweight. You're insecure about feeling overweight. You see what I did there? I rephrased it.

 

So, being fat doesn't make a person insecure. You are insecure about being fat. Stop being insecure. Now easier said than done, but you really can just stop, or at least take the mental steps of telling yourself to stop that it's not logical and doesn't help you.

 

Stop trying to really matter to women. Life is a journey. Be an artist, and don't rush the brush.

[GirlontheLam]

You're not insecure because you're overweight. You're insecure about feeling overweight. You see what I did there? I rephrased it.

 

So, being fat doesn't make a person insecure. You are insecure about being fat. Stop being insecure. Now easier said than done, but you really can just stop, or at least take the mental steps of telling yourself to stop that it's not logical and doesn't help you.

 

Stop trying to really matter to women. Life is a journey. Be an artist, and don't rush the brush.

 

Agree with this post. Work on your confidence. And don't forget to keep dressing well. A good indirect way to boost your confidence. I know you've got more to lose, but make sure to get a few transition pieces that your body as it is now.

 

Practice chatting up everyone from here on out. At the grocery store. In line at the post office.....the more you do it, the easier it gets.

 

For most women, attraction can easily grow with right personality and emotional chemistry. So work on getting to know that woman you are into, and you just might find she is into you too!

[JamesM]

You're not insecure because you're overweight. You're insecure about feeling overweight. You see what I did there? I rephrased it.

 

So, being fat doesn't make a person insecure. You are insecure about being fat. Stop being insecure. Now easier said than done, but you really can just stop, or at least take the mental steps of telling yourself to stop that it's not logical and doesn't help you.

 

Stop trying to really matter to women. Life is a journey. Be an artist, and don't rush the brush.

 

Ditto.

 

We all have hangups. Oddly, when I was in my twenties, I was insecure about being skinny. I even had a girl tell me kindly, "You don't need to be down on yourself because you are skinny." She meant it well, but I dropped her. Why? Probably because of my own insecurities about her recognizing my insecurities.

 

You would think it odd that someone would have that as a hangup, but read here...some guys are insecure because of height, weight, hair color, glasses, and a host of other reasons.

 

My guess is that after you have lost all of the weight (which I am confident that you can if you keep up your lifestyle change), you will still feel insecure about something...unless you accept yourself as you are today.

 

It is not easy, but focus on how your personality and kindness and humor and ability to listen or .... makes someone feel good. Then use that charm on a woman. Thankfully, many women love someone for who they are as a person, and then love them for what they look like.

[IT Geek]

My guess is that after you have lost all of the weight (which I am confident that you can if you keep up your lifestyle change), you will still feel insecure about something...unless you accept yourself as you are today.

 

Most likely. Even when I was in HS and college I couldn't get up the nerve to ask anyone out. I have basically zero social skills in that arena.

 

I was talking to an old friend on FB and can't remember how it came up, but I mentioned that I wanted to ask her out in HS but was too shy. She came back and said that she wished I had and didn't I notice her always hanging around me and such. I was totally oblivious to things like that, and still am. I always wind up over-analyzing things.

[JamesM]

Per your comment on the weight loss thread that you haven't lost enough weight to ask anyone to this years company party.....

 

Your weight has less to do with your lack of a date than your unwillingness to ask someone. Simply ask someone who is a woman who is a friend to accompany you to the company party because you just need a companion. "This is not a formal date or a come-one for more than simply a fun evening."

 

Part of the problem for many of us guys who were/are insecure or nervous about asking women out is that we simply don't ask them out as friends and for a fun evening. Having a fun time with a female friend is beneficial to shy guys for one big reason: it helps us learn how to feel comfortable around women. My own son asked me about dating a particular girl he liked. I gave him the same advice (after telling him that he was too young to date IMO ). Ask girls out for fun and don't view it as a make it or break it evening.

 

It worked for me, so that by the time I met my wife, I felt comfortable in spending time with women.

 

It doesn't matter your age, weight, height, job, or looks. All that matters then is that you enjoy your time and you help them enjoy their time. Don't expect anything and don't pressure them to give anything. Let it go as it will.

 

My 2c.

[IT Geek]

Simply ask someone who is a woman who is a friend to accompany you to the company party because you just need a companion. "This is not a formal date or a come-one for more than simply a fun evening."

 

 

That's part of the problem there. My ex was deathly jealous and as such, I really don't have any unattached female friends. The ones I do have are all pretty much a package deal with their SOs. LOL

[jimloveslips]

I'm afraid I'll get blown off

 

(I'm taking the high road with that quote)

 

Who is going to know?

No one is taking notes on how many times you fail (except you).

 

What do you like to do in your spare time? - whatever it is there's a club for it, probably close to you. Join it. Interact with normal people...

[mtber75]

IT Geek, did the 60 year old actually get anywhere with the women in question? Looking like you have game and actually having game are two different things.

 

Although I am pretty much against the idea all together about a guy having "game". I think men should develop their social skills and all but not if it's just to get laid.

 

I once dated an over-weight computer graphics/designer guy that collected action figures and where all over his place. He was a total nerd and over-weight and he was also a fantastic kisser and i was into him for the time we went out. I actually thought the things that made him nerdy where endearing. Until he dumped me to go out with his next door neighbor, he was older than me and his neighbor was the same age as himself. 6 months later I got an Im chat "hello" where he told me one day he came home to surprise his lovely girlfriend only to see her having sex with the other next door neighbor on the other side. I honestly felt bad about that for him and was way over him by the time he talked to me that I gave him some friendly advice.

 

As a guy, you have a much more likely chance that a woman will want you for you, rather then your looks. You will find way more women with over-weight, average guys when they are beautiful. As you described the women you are interested in as. Men feel an entitlement to beauty that I don't think women do. So go for it. You never know what turns someone on.

 

Take up interest that women likes, for example hiking/jogging or art/museums. Yes, for us average looking guys we do have the advantage that women actually don't rely on looks as much as guys do...So you have to stimulate the woman's interests.

[IT Geek]

Take up interest that women likes, for example hiking/jogging or art/museums. Yes, for us average looking guys we do have the advantage that women actually don't rely on looks as much as guys do...So you have to stimulate the woman's interests.

 

I do hike, every weekend at Stone Mountain. That's not exactly conducive to meet people when everyone is wearing their iPods.