to all the OW out there

[Decorative]

I was in a 13 year relationship prior to this. My ex cheated on me and it was a deal breaker. I wasn't happy for some time before I found out by accident (saw an email he sent her) and I confronted him and we tried to work at it but for me it was just halfheartedly cuz I couldn't bring myself to either forgive or forget. And even as I was saying we could start again, I already knew there was nothing that would save our relationship. If I could choose all over I think I still would want to know tho.... So you're saying that I should tell her???

 

Please someone just tell me yes or no I'm really confused at fcked up at this point and I don't know how it got like that.

I wish I wasn't so understanding and compassionate I wish I didn't love him so so much!! Or I wish I could hate him more!!!!!!

 

 

You were betrayed, understood how that felt, and participated in this as OW? Knowing the destruction and pain? Wow.

 

You aren't understanding and compassionate towards him at all.

 

Think long and hard about what your behavior really means- I think you'll see it isn't about him at all. it's about replaying a disastrous scenario and trying to change the ending.

 

Just stop. Before you lose your soul in this mess. Tell her, and then leave them alone, and work on yourself.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Decorative

[veryhappy]

You are too close to becoming unstable. Telling yis wife could be the tipping point. I advise you wait until you know you'd be confessing from a calm place, not a desperate one.

 

My question is...why your passivity? You want to put it on MM, have him end it, you want to put it on his wife, have her end it. I think it's unfair to ask the woman for help after she's been sharing ber husband. What is it about you that you don't end it? You can do it. It just feels like dying for a while and youcount the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks. You need to start somewhere.

 

You could simply threaten him with telling her if he breaks NC, but you need to follow through if he does. Just the threat should do it, no drama necessary.

Edited November 11, 2012 by cutedragon

[frozensprouts]

I was in a 13 year relationship prior to this. My ex cheated on me and it was a deal breaker. I wasn't happy for some time before I found out by accident (saw an email he sent her) and I confronted him and we tried to work at it but for me it was just halfheartedly cuz I couldn't bring myself to either forgive or forget. And even as I was saying we could start again, I already knew there was nothing that would save our relationship. If I could choose all over I think I still would want to know tho.... So you're saying that I should tell her???

 

Please someone just tell me yes or no I'm really confused at fcked up at this point and I don't know how it got like that.

I wish I wasn't so understanding and compassionate I wish I didn't love him so so much!! Or I wish I could hate him more!!!!!!

 

I'll relate a story to you so you understand my response...

 

when my husband cheated, I didn't know right away, and we were still sleeping together while he was sleeping with her...

I'm sure you can well remember all the pain and heartache and just plain cr2p that went along with finding out your husband had cheated...we went through all that too, but we got back together ad a few weeks later he left for more than six months ( deployment)...

we couldn't do any of the "work" surrounding reconciliation before he left, and we couldn't do it from so far away, so things were on hold and once I was able to redirect my energy and thoughts, it occurred to me that i may have picked up some kind of STD from him ( she's a serial other woman), so i made a doctors appointment to be tested...

i was sitting in my doctors office explaining to him why I needed to be tested for STDs and crying and crying ( he was a very understanding doctor who i also consider a friend), and he was very sympathetic. When he left the room to get the things he needed to do some of the testing, it occurred to me that i didn't deserve any of this...what the hell had I done that was so bad...I also felt like a fool...I had been sleeping with him while he was sleeping with her and I didn't know. No one told me, and I didn't know to protect myself. What if I caught and STD or even HIV? What would happen then? who would look after my kids if I got sick? Why didn't someone, anyone, tell me so I could have looked out for myself and made choices about my life and for my family that were based upon having all the information I needed?

I think you can guess how I feel about whether or not you should tell her...it sounds like you can remember feeling the way I did, and if you do, then you have your answer about what you should do...

 

you don't sound like a horrible person, but it does sound like you are feeling really mixed up right now and are struggling to find your way...that's why I said to put yourself in her shoes...right now, she's the one facing some of the greatest fallout from all of this and she doesn't even know it and is not able to make any kind of informed choices about her life...you and your married guy do have that knowledge and you've made your decisions...what has she done to deserve to be the only one left out of making decisions about her own life?

like I've said before, look inside yourself, remember how it felt to be i her shoes, how do you want to feel about the person you see looking back at you in the mirror each morning? Put all that together,and you'll know what the right thing to do is...

best of luck to you, and I really do hope that, when you are ready to, you can find happiness again with someone new who will be "all yours' and no one elses

[veryhappy]

Not all women want to know. I know women who don't, as long as they get no diseases. They'd want them to be faithful, but in case they are not they don't want to know.

 

Serial cheating is an STD risk. In my case, I drove exMM crazy with the topic, he was very ignorant of the risks; not all OW are a risk, and I doubt those who are would tell the W with the wife's best interest in mind.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Not all women want to know. I know women who don't, as long as they get no diseases. They'd want them to be faithful, but in case they are not they don't want to know.

 

Serial cheating is an STD risk. In my case, I drove exMM crazy with the topic, he was very ignorant of the risks; not all OW are a risk, and I doubt those who are would tell the W with the wife's best interest in mind.

 

In the ten years I was involved I haven't slept around. My previous bf/relationship I was in was for 13 years. I'm loyal to a fault and that's why I'm having an extremely hard time getting over this... MM has not been with anyone else besides me and her. And I believe him that they don't do it all that much and there is no 3rd girl. He's always busy with his kids basketball baseball dance lessons etc. she works different hours than him and me (ironically we work just about the same hours).

[Furious]

You want to have mattered. You want him to miss you. You want him to hurt like you do from not being together. You don't want him to have a happy ever after with his wife while you are heartbroken.

 

And most likely he is missing you, he is hurting, he is thinking of you, he is not happy ever after with his wife.

 

 

In an earlier post on this thread you claim to not be involved in the "marriage", but then you give out this advice about not disclosing the affair because it may backfire and might make the "marriage" happy again.

[Furious]

If he's not ready himself to have the EMR exposed, the likelihood is that he will spend quite some time sucking up to her. He will concentrate on her. You don't want that, do you?

 

Right now he's there, likely thinking of you. Much better, isn't it?

 

 

 

This is another example to what I previously posted.

 

Wow!! This coming from someone who claims she is not involved in the marriage. It seems you're very involved and in competition with it.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

 

it's not just the risk of an STD...that's just one example of how an affair can have a really negative effect on a betrayed spouses life...you know from first hand experience just how devastating it can be

 

you seem to feel that this guy wasn't seeing anyone else besides you...fair enough-maybe he wasn't-you know him and none of us do(except what you tell us about him)....

 

but consider this...now that your affair is over, do you think he'll cheat on her with someone else? Keep in mind that while he may not seem like the "type" to cheat, he cheated with you, what's to say he won't do it again with someone else? As things stand now, barring some psychological breakthrough or revelation about himself and why he had a ten year long affair, he is the "type' who cheats...

 

telling her will give her the knowledge she needs to protect herself (and her children) form being hurt by his cheating...

 

as i have said before, put yourself in her shoes...whe you were in her place, would you have wanted to know your husband was cheating, or would you have preferred to remain in the dark? given what you know of his wife, what do you think she'd prefer?

[Decorative]

No, my post below describes common emotions of an OW whose MM has ended the EMR and is now reconciling with his wife. The OW often imagines the MM to be living happily ever after while that just isn't the case, he's missing her as much, if not more, as she is missing him. She can now go on to have a full life without him. What he has is the life he wasn't satisfied with before.

 

LOL!!

 

That's not how it actually works.

 

That's a high level of self persuasion to think that's how it is.

[woinlove]

Sometimes I feel like FCK it all, and let the chips fall where they may. Give her all the cards pictures jewelry he gave me over the years and say "tell him never ever to call me again, I can't take this anymore!" What would happen then...

 

It is difficult to predict. He could end up divorced, they could repair their M, he could stay married and end up cheating again. It is not likely he would end up cheating with you again, but that can't be completely ruled out unless you rule it out yourself.

 

I am of the opinion that it is a good thing to bring more honesty into your life when you have been deceiving someone or encouraging that deceit by continuing a secret A with a MM, knowing he is deceiving the BW. But there definitely can be consequences for you. The BW may tell others, she may want contact with you. She may hate you or she may thank you. MM may hate you or he may not care if he can still manipulate the situation to what he wants. Some OW are glad that they told the BW and some regret it.

 

In my case, MM told his BW, but she then called me and I was honest with her and she told me some things that I didn't know.

 

Whatever you do, I would encourage at least ending the deceit in your life. So that means ending the A, whether by turning it into an out in the open relationship, or just ending it. Sounds like MM will not leave his M and turn it into an out in the open R, so I encourage you to end the A.

 

As to telling his BW, I think that is something you should think seriously about and try to imagine how you will feel if you tell or don't tell, how you might handle possible consequences. It is your decision to make. Unlike some, I don't feel anyone has an obligation to keep the existence of their important relationships with others secret. I feel everyone can live their life openly and honestly if they want. You can tell your friends, your family, and/or the BW if you wish.

[woinlove]

I'd agree with this during the EMR. But if you haven't told while in the EMR, I have a hard time believing it's for unselfish purposes after.

 

That may be true, but it could still be less selfish than one was during the A.

 

In this case, the motivation appears to be to put a final end to the A under circumstances where the MM continues contact otherwise. That doesn't sound completely selfish. Ending the A would be good imo. There may be other ways to end it that may be better, or it could be that getting things out in the open would actually be the best way. Difficult to know without knowing the people involved, so the OP needs to think about all this.

[j'adore]

I told BS during the affair. I thought she knew really. I still think she did.

It did not change a singe thing. Left us in the same intolerable limbo. At least though I felt like I did something I thought was right.

[j'adore]

Well I suppose it is a little different in that he does not sneak around at all now. It is pretty much not a problem to see me but then for me that is not what I expected. I mean i did not expect him to move in with me, I expected his BS to put her foot down, so that that she made him make the choice but she doesn't even check who he is talking to. She knows he still sees me. So yes, ball in my court.

[Owl]

No, my post below describes common emotions of an OW whose MM has ended the EMR and is now reconciling with his wife. The OW often imagines the MM to be living happily ever after while that just isn't the case, he's missing her as much, if not more, as she is missing him. She can now go on to have a full life without him. What he has is the life he wasn't satisfied with before.

 

In the short term, this may well be true. In the short term, while he's coping with the "withdrawl" at the end of the affair...yep, he is thinking of the OW, missing her, etc...

 

Longer term however, that fades relatively quickly as his focus is required to change in order for him to avoid losing the other woman in his life...his wife.

 

If he REMAINS focused on the OW...the ultimately reconciliation fails and he will indeed usually end up divorced and available to the OW at that point.

 

But, if he truly does choose to rebiuld and reconcile his marriage...his view of the OW, and their affair, tends to change drastically over time. He no longer thinks about her, no longer misses her...she becomes a (regrettable) part of his past, and no longer relevent to his present or future. His affair ends up becoming something he regrets and wishes he'd never participated in...and instead of thinking of the OW with longing, he generally ends up thinking of the whole thing with a vague sense of unease, guilt, and shame.

[Owl]

I'd agree with this during the EMR. But if you haven't told while in the EMR, I have a hard time believing it's for unselfish purposes after.

 

What's interesting to me is that it always seems that the BS's here are the ones who are the ones recommending that the uninformed BS be told...regardless of by whom or for what purpose...selfish or otherwise.

 

Where it's nearly always the OW/OM who suggest that it NOT be done for selfish reasons.

 

The affair itself was done for selfish reasons. Most of the folks who have been in the BS's position insist that the uninformed BS be told...and it seems to me that they'd be in the best position to determine whether or not the uninformed BS would care whether or not it was done for selfish reasons.

 

So if the BS would want to know (which is what most BS's state)...what difference does it make if it was done selfishly or not?

[j'adore]

Actually the ball is in his court, he has you and his wife believing whatever he spews out of his mouth. I bet she thinks he has cut you out of his life. I don't know why you can't see that he is a liar, after all he lied to you before about her knowing he was seeing you. Do you really expect him to tell her anything different now? He probably painted you as the crazy woman who won't leave him alone.

 

You give him the power, you are too afraid to say, this is not acceptable, you lap up whatever he gives you, no matter how little it is. How sad that you are settling for so little.

 

She knows now..... whether you believe that is up to you. And who said I had settled???

 

anyway

 

This thread is not about ME. i am trying to help the OP.

[canuckprincess]

I told BS during the affair. I thought she knew really. I still think she did.

It did not change a singe thing. Left us in the same intolerable limbo. At least though I felt like I did something I thought was right.

 

So what happened after you told his wife? Are you still in the relationship?

[alexandria35]

True. Such a truth, and one people rarely want to hear. It might hurt like hell at a break, but once it's done, the OW/OM can go on to eventually heal and have a healthy relationship. the MM/MW has simply chosen to repeat their past mistakes that put them in a position that left them vulnerable to the affair in the first place... and if their AP was someone that the truly loved, they'll spend the rest of their life wondering what if.

 

 

 

I find it ironic that so many people think it isn't this way. You don't find that vain and overly self-confident? To think that the life they have "rebuilt" with the spouse is so wonderful that the person they were willing to risk "everything" for simply disappears from their thoughts. That's rich.

 

 

I've never understood what purpose it serves for the OW/OM to tell anyway. I've never yet known a person who did it for altruistic purposes unless they themselves didn't know the person was married during the affair. Anyone that opts to be in an affair with a married partner is pretty ridiculous to suddenly get all righteous after it's over. I call a spade a spade and say that when someone tells after, it's becaues they are hurt and want vengence and to make everyone else hurt too. It's a natural human reaction, but it's not being honest with themselves to convince themselves they are doing it for "the right reasons" because there aren't any. You either agree to the secret, or you don't. Just becuase it might be over doesn't change the rules.

 

 

 

Or that's what they say to the BS... because that's what the BS wants to hear. I recently participated in a focus group about people who are in or have been in affairs. It was fascinating to hear from the people on the other side, at different intervals post affair, some 5, 7, and 10 years after that some of them did agree with you, but at least as many said that deciding to stay with their wife/husband had not worked, 2 said it was the worst mistake they'd ever made, but that since that was the choice they did make they always felt that had to stick by it and one older gentleman, probably close to 75 said that his wife had always been convinced it was little more than a flirtation, but that he never stopped thinking of the woman he'd had a 3 year affair with 10 years ago.

I thought that was sad...for everyone involved.

I actually can't wait til the results of that are published it was really interesting and there was a LOT of great discussions from a huge segment of the US and across different generations as well both WS and OW/OM.

It confirmed a lot of what I've always thought and while I know that all data can be manipulated, it was truly thought provoking to see how people responded when what was being asked for was the truth, with no reprisals.

 

A focus group for people who have been in affairs? How did they find participants for that? I've participated in a few focus groups/surveys because they are fun and you get paid for it. I know someone who works for a company that conducts focus groups and so when she sees a group that I might fit the profile for she sends me an invitation.

 

Once the results of your focus group are published would be able to posts the results here? I think it might be an interesting read for all of us.

[ThatJustHappened]

True. Such a truth, and one people rarely want to hear. It might hurt like hell at a break, but once it's done, the OW/OM can go on to eventually heal and have a healthy relationship. the MM/MW has simply chosen to repeat their past mistakes that put them in a position that left them vulnerable to the affair in the first place... and if their AP was someone that the truly loved, they'll spend the rest of their life wondering what if.

 

 

 

I find it ironic that so many people think it isn't this way. You don't find that vain and overly self-confident? To think that the life they have "rebuilt" with the spouse is so wonderful that the person they were willing to risk "everything" for simply disappears from their thoughts. That's rich.

 

 

I've never understood what purpose it serves for the OW/OM to tell anyway. I've never yet known a person who did it for altruistic purposes unless they themselves didn't know the person was married during the affair. Anyone that opts to be in an affair with a married partner is pretty ridiculous to suddenly get all righteous after it's over. I call a spade a spade and say that when someone tells after, it's becaues they are hurt and want vengence and to make everyone else hurt too. It's a natural human reaction, but it's not being honest with themselves to convince themselves they are doing it for "the right reasons" because there aren't any. You either agree to the secret, or you don't. Just becuase it might be over doesn't change the rules.

 

 

 

Or that's what they say to the BS... because that's what the BS wants to hear. I recently participated in a focus group about people who are in or have been in affairs. It was fascinating to hear from the people on the other side, at different intervals post affair, some 5, 7, and 10 years after that some of them did agree with you, but at least as many said that deciding to stay with their wife/husband had not worked, 2 said it was the worst mistake they'd ever made, but that since that was the choice they did make they always felt that had to stick by it and one older gentleman, probably close to 75 said that his wife had always been convinced it was little more than a flirtation, but that he never stopped thinking of the woman he'd had a 3 year affair with 10 years ago.

I thought that was sad...for everyone involved.

I actually can't wait til the results of that are published it was really interesting and there was a LOT of great discussions from a huge segment of the US and across different generations as well both WS and OW/OM.

It confirmed a lot of what I've always thought and while I know that all data can be manipulated, it was truly thought provoking to see how people responded when what was being asked for was the truth, with no reprisals.

 

So cheating has rules? Why are cheaters' rules more important than spouse's rules?

[cocorico]

So cheating has rules? Why are cheaters' rules more important than spouse's rules?

 

Presumably because the spouse is not part of the A. The rules are set and agreed by the people in the R - the MM/ MW and OW/ OM. Same way the OW / OM is not invited, at the wedding, to determine the rules for the M.

[woinlove]

HeartBrokenInNY, are you still here? Posters have gone off into their own discussion of rules of affairs versus marriage, but if you still need more discussion of whether to tell the BW or not, please post. You wanted a clear answer, but without knowing the specific people involved, it is difficult to know how they would react. I tried to lay out the various possibilities but I wonder what you think is likely to happen if you tell.

[MissBee]

So once again the EMR has an impact on the marriage because of the common denominator the MM.

 

This logically works both ways right? The EMR impacts the marriage and the marriage impacts it as well right?

[William]

Thread starter, if you wish further input, alert on this post and request moderation to reopen the thread for discussion. Thanks.