Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Why does it seem that there is more heartache and more negative emotions when someone is the other man/other woman and the relationship ends as opposed to when a one on one relationship ends? It seems like a lot of advice that is given to the other man/other woman places so much emphasis on how hurt and almost emotionally destroyed the other man/other woman will be. Having been the MW are there more emotional scars when a relationship ends for the other man/other woman than if they were in a monogamous relationship and it ended? And if so, why? Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 I dont think so. Being the o/w or o/m u know what your getting yourself into (most of the time) You know you can probably never have them out in the open and only to yourselves, you know it will eventually end, you know he or she won't leave the other person (not all cases). In a monogamous relationship it's different. I would think you would be hurt more. You give yourself to this person and think that it will last forever and that they will never hurt you or leave you and then it ends. You found out they have an o/w or o/m lol or that they never loved you and it's a horrible feeling. I'm not saying that an o/w or o/m don't go through heartwrenching heartbreaks but I just think It's more painful for two people in a monogamous relationship. I want to say more but for some reason what Im thinking in my head is not coming out right while I'm typing so Im going to give up now before i upset people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 My thought process was going along the same path. I would think it wouldn't be as hard to break away from a relationship when you are the other man/other woman compared to if you were in a monogamous relationship with one person. However, I have seen so many posts that give the impression that the pain is almost unbearable when you're the other man/other woman and the relationship ends. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 i think every situation is different. my MM just broke up with me to give his marriage one more try. he still loves me i still love him. he says he doesn't love his wife. this by far is the most painful breakup i've ever had. although we weren't committed legally the emotional and physical committment i felt and i do believe he did too was stronger than anything i have ever felt before. so why did he leave me for her? and yes, i do see it that way.... i'm still a bit confused. while i understand that he needs to deal with his marriage before he can emotionally disengage from that and give himself to another, she also threatened financial damage, that she would try to ruin his relationship with his kids, etc. needless to say, she had told him years ago that she wanted a divorce when their kids left and has even been to see a lawyer about the whole thing and at one point had it all mapped out as to when they'd put the house on the market and tell the kids. so i felt like he was mine. and i know, before someone says anything, he wasn't really, but it sure as heck felt that way. we had plans for the future. i don't think she liked the fact that he took that "power" away from her. she had been the one calling the shots and hurting him through her distance in their relationship and grabbed the control back when he finally had agreed that she was right and they were over. not sure i'm stating that in a way that any of you will understand. but in my brief conversations with my 11 yr. old daughter about what was going on... her comment was "so she's a control freak." when i had told her, i tried to be as non-judgemental as possible but even she saw through to the heart of what i think is going on. so yes, in this case, being the OW was more painful for me than any of my monogamous breakups. in those cases, athough painful, it didn't happen while we both still loved each other. it also may have to do with a loss of control over the situation. in my case, although he can ask for a divorce, he won't until he's sure he's tried everything he can. she is in control right now of whether he can contact me and that's hard. to have someone say they want to talk to you and want to be with you but can't because someone is threatening them is hard. i want to be there for him to help him deal and i know i can't and i suppose shouldn't be and that is more painful than you can imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pocky Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 So does knowing that he loves you but is going to stay where and try and make his marriage work hurt more or less than if he said I don't love you and I'd like to give my marriage one more try? Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 hard to know, but it might make letting go easier. if i knew that he really didn't give a rat's a** about me and i felt like i'd been used, it would probably be easier to be angry with him. and yes, we had that conversation last week. i asked if it had just all been a game to him, but the hurt in his voice when he answered, let me know that it wasn't, and i think my asking that hurt him. but knowing that he still loves me makes it difficult to be angry with him. i'm angry with the situation but not with him. in some ways, i wish i could hate him for what's happening and be able to agree with comments that friends and others have made that i'm better without him. but i don't feel better without him. in time, i know i will heal but.... Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky Having been the MW are there more emotional scars when a relationship ends for the other man/other woman than if they were in a monogamous relationship and it ended? And if so, why? Pocky - we OW have a sad tendency to believe all the lies the MM tells us about his married life - that is, that he never gets sex, the W nags, he's miserable, gets no support, blah blah blah. When the relationship between an OW and a MM ends, its usually his doing, in which case, the OW is left to believe that, because he doesn't want to be with her anymore, being with her was worse than the MM's married life. That HURTS, bad, more so than when a MM leaves a W saying that the OW is better, or another life is better. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Do you mean to say that when MM leaves his OW he hurts more than leaving his wife? If this what you mean I don't have a hard time believing so. If not could you please explain a bit better? Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 i'd never claim my situation is the same as anyone else's but i can only say that for me, when i broke up with my attached man it was the worst heartbreak i've ever experienced. worse than the breakup of my marriage (to my high school sweetheart and the father of my child, no less). when i say i never intended to fall for the guy (the attached guy), i really mean it. it crept up on me. we had been best friends for about two years when it happened. when i broke it off, i truly wanted to die. sometimes i still do. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 i can completely understand how you feel. it's really only been a few days for me, and he ended it, but last week it was pretty clear that it was coming. and i really did not want to wake up the next morning. i drank too much and cried with him on the phone for about an hour. probably not the best thing to do but in so many cases, it's not like you can talk to anyone and everyone about what you're going. i wish i'd known about this site then. it doesn't necessarily make the pain go away, but it's good to know i'm not alone in my pain. i thought i'd been hurt before but whether it's him, the situation, or the fact that it happened over the phone, i don't know. but i too just wanted to die. i know i'm strong and they always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but just this once i'd have liked to be weaker and have had it work out. Link to post Share on other sites
anangel2be Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 guys i was best friends with this married guy for a little over a year. as we got closer he got to where he crossed the lines of our friendship. but you know what i did not mind cause i really liked him. well just almost a week ago he told me he could not hang out with me anymore at lunch and breaks at work. that his wife would cause me lots of problems. and this hurt me big time and still does. I want to know if there is a way i can show him i still want to be a close friend of his. me and him never had sex you know the real sex. i however did get touchy feely with him as he did me to. and one night he did ask me for a blow job and i did do that for him. and then when he come back off his off days he told me that me and him must stop having contact. Cuase his wife would not stop till she had my job if i did not. i guess he never wanted to hurt me or anything but how do i know that for sure? how do i even know that he still even cares one cent about me? he will work where i work at for a bout anther year and then he will be out of college and on to his caree that he made for himself. so i guess this happned at a good time. but question being do you guys think i will ever hear from him again at all? if i dont before he leave my work place in a year do you think i will ever see him again to be friends? do you think he really wants to see me happy with someone else? need all the help i can get . thanks Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Sweetie - you saw him at break time for over a year - he got curious, pulled out your boob !!! (how could I forget that one!) and asked you for a BJ - which you gave him. No judgement here because I'm not in any position to judge anyone; this guy is not interested in being friends - period. He's got an angry wife in the background who has it in for you so you should RUN - not walk, far away from him. What exactly are you expecting to happen here? Link to post Share on other sites
anangel2be Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 we started out as friends and i just want to be friends still that is all. and besides his wife dont know anything on it at all . unless this MM himself has been using things that have happened with me and him push his wifes buttons with them . I have nto figured it out how she knows so much. So you are saying that my MM does not want to be Friends . If not then why is he protecing me from her. I told him let his wife come talk to me i would tell her it was not anything. so why would he not let her? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Angel, you are making yourself miserable by not letting go and asking too many questions that none of us can answer. You crossed the friendship line into a somewhat kind of an affair. You can't go back to being friends as if nothing had happened. From what you tell us he does not seem to be caring for a friendship with you. He does not want you talking to his wife because god knows what lies he had told her about you. Just let it go and forget about him. Start looking for a job somewhere else and move away from him. He is using you and abusing his relationship with you. This is just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
anangel2be Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 I was at this job long before he came along and i will be long after he is gone from it too. he has only about a year left to work there if his wife even lets him stay there to work. who knows she maybe making him look for something else. there is not much telling with her. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 You are absolutely right Fanou, I agree - he is NOT trying to be a friend - he got some sexual contact and now he's done. I bet you anything he's telling his wife you're chasing him - and you kind of are honey. There is nothing else to be done Angel except take our advice - leave him alone!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
anangel2be Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 hey guys i am leaving him alone. it woudl hurt me even more if i push . and i cant stand the thought of that. if he was truly my firned he will come back and approch me. and i will not have to do anything at all. thanks for all the advice i am just so sorry for myslef that i let him use me like that. it is all my fault. now i have got to pick up the peaice and learn from it all. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Originally posted by anangel2be we started out as friends and i just want to be friends still that is all. and besides his wife dont know anything on it at all . unless this MM himself has been using things that have happened with me and him push his wifes buttons with them . I have nto figured it out how she knows so much. So you are saying that my MM does not want to be Friends . If not then why is he protecing me from her. I told him let his wife come talk to me i would tell her it was not anything. so why would he not let her? it's very sad but you can't be friends again. you crossed that line. and btw, a blow job IS real sex. you had sex - period. unfortunately, he doesn't sound like he wants to be your friend. he wanted sex. even if he did want to be your friend, i don't think that ever really works. for me, i've not only lost my lover, the man i love, but i've also lost my best friend. we should never have crossed that line. we tried very hard to be friends again but once you've been something else you can't go back and erase time. i don't think i'll ever be able to be his friend again and i mourn that every day. sometimes i think maybe years and years down the road we can be friends again but then i know that is unrealistic. times moves on and so will we. it makes me really sad but that is how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
anangel2be Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 thanks to all who have shared your stories. i see some in common with what i have gone throguth. I am going to try my hardest not to let him bohter me at all. cause i know i need better. and i am going to go out there and look for better... i guess you guys are right if he was a true friend he would have never passed the line of friendship. and you guys are right there are lines. and i will rememeber this all too. thanks to all who have been a tre friend to me here. I hope one day i can help you as much as you have helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
anangel2be Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 by the way i am not saying oral sex is not sex cause i know it is . all i am saying is i did not go all the way with him. and if that is what he was after why is he still not after it we did not go all the way? Link to post Share on other sites
Kasey70 Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 anangel2be, I'm sorry you went through all this, however you all can't be friends again hun. It may have started out that way, but once the line was crossed, that pretty much messed up the friendship. I agree with the others, he got what he set out for. Now that his wife knows some things, I wouldn't even want to be friends with him, simply because it could get dangerous. Don't open yourself up even more for that to possibly happen just because you want his friendship. You never know what someone may or may not do when they find something out like that, (meaning his wife). Hopefully you will find a friend that isn't married and you can have a meaningful relationship. Hope all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
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