Husband doesn't communicate

[planetpower]

So as a result of cracked teeth, I had to get braces to correct my bite as the way my teeth are aligned, more teeth could crack over the long term the longer I waited for braces. I also had a root canal that brought up another unexpected expense and that tooth had been hurtng for 6 months, so I couldn't really hold off any longer. Anyways, my husband is upset and telling me he has no idea how we can afford the extra bills...despite me telling him the night before getting braces that I wasn't sure if I should get braces because of the finances right now. I wanted to get braces now and out of the way before my student loan payments come up. Anyways, he didn't say much when I tried to talk to him about it the night before. And 2 days later he has this fit about finances. I told him I tried to talk to him about it BEFORE the braces and he said he ASSUMED I must already know we cannot afford it and wouldn't have done it. I told him it's a little late now and I tried talking to him about it the day before and he didn't really say anything. I told him if he was really opposed to it, he should have put in his two cents. Anyways...he also blew 4k on a crap car which I told him to have a diagnostic done before purchasing....it ended up being 4k down the drain, yet I cannot have my teeth fixed. I make twice as much as he does and he's telling me to get a second job when I know I can work for my dad or a friend of mine for extra money. He's been the one with no job or part time minimum wage jobs the entire time we've been living together....I'm not the one who needs to pick up slack here.

Edited November 10, 2012 by planetpower

[Caligrown]

Men tend to only hear what they want to. As a result when things change they freak out about never knowing it was going to happen. Before you actually did it, you should have set him down and forced him to listen and let him know that you were going to get them for sure. Then you both could have expressed any issues you may have had. Just because you make twice as much as him doesnt mean anything, if your married it's YOUR money and YOUR finances not just one persons. Telling a man that he doesnt make nearly enough money or the fact that he should be picking up slack is very low. Men need to uphold their self-esteem and pointing out flaws that they may already be insecure about is no way to keep a strong marrage. You can make extra money, yes, well..at least he is trying something. You should feel blessed to be successful, not a lot of people are. Talking is the best way to solve it, regarless if it starts a fight or not, maybe a fight is whats needed in order toget out what really needs to be said. Look, the braces are done, you cant go back. Speak about how it makes both of you feel (you not wanting chipped teeth)&(him worried about money). See if there is a underlying issue. Be open, but firm to how you feel.

 

 

You can never move forward if you're stuck in the past.

[The dot]

Anyways...he also blew 4k on a crap car which I told him to have a diagnostic done before purchasing....it ended up being 4k down the drain, yet I cannot have my teeth fixed. I make twice as much as he does and he's telling me to get a second job

 

Life is short. Get a divorce. Seriously.

 

If you're contributing more to the household income than he is, and yet he's spending what's effectively your money on crap for himself, while you can't get the medical care you need, it's time to go. Nothing is more important than your health.

[planetpower]

Well he's spending savings he inherited, so technically it is his money he used for the car, but due to his low income and the high cost of living in our area, the savings is kept to help us with rent and living costs. I have no say since it's not my inheritance, but with him blowing away his money within a few years....how do I know he won't do the same when we graduate college and get good paying jobs? I have my issues too when it comes to money, but if you're going to spend 3-4k on something you had better make sure it's well worth the money and lasts. We even talked about it the night before he got the car.

[Feelin Frisky]

Men tend to only hear what they want to. As a result when things change they freak out about never knowing it was going to happen. Before you actually did it, you should have set him down and forced him to listen and let him know that you were going to get them for sure. Then you both could have expressed any issues you may have had. Just because you make twice as much as him doesnt mean anything, if your married it's YOUR money and YOUR finances not just one persons. Telling a man that he doesnt make nearly enough money or the fact that he should be picking up slack is very low. Men need to uphold their self-esteem and pointing out flaws that they may already be insecure about is no way to keep a strong marrage. You can make extra money, yes, well..at least he is trying something. You should feel blessed to be successful, not a lot of people are. Talking is the best way to solve it, regarless if it starts a fight or not, maybe a fight is whats needed in order toget out what really needs to be said. Look, the braces are done, you cant go back. Speak about how it makes both of you feel (you not wanting chipped teeth)&(him worried about money). See if there is a underlying issue. Be open, but firm to how you feel.

 

 

You can never move forward if you're stuck in the past.

 

I resent the sexist comment. I have nothing but sympathy for this woman's dilemma.

 

To the OP, you have married a selfish twit. That's a problem. I don't know that there is any advice I can give you if you are going to stay in a relationship where though you make twice his earnings, he deems it appropriate to dominate financial priorities. I don't know anything about braces or if dental insurance pays for them but it sounds like you need to make a move to take care of yourself. I lost ALL of my natural teeth--I know how it feels to live for years with teeth missing. I was lucky to get implanted dentures but insurance didn't pay and it has cost more than $40k to look normal again. I had beautiful teeth as a younger man--perfectly straight. But disease took them one by one until I had 6 teeth left. I feel for ya. Get something done while you're young to stop the advance of tooth loss even if you have leave IMO. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Well he's spending savings he inherited, so technically it is his money he used for the car, but due to his low income and the high cost of living in our area, the savings is kept to help us with rent and living costs. I have no say since it's not my inheritance, but with him blowing away his money within a few years....how do I know he won't do the same when we graduate college and get good paying jobs? I have my issues too when it comes to money, but if you're going to spend 3-4k on something you had better make sure it's well worth the money and lasts. We even talked about it the night before he got the car.

 

So, his inheritance is his 'play' money and he won't use some of that money to help pay dental bills? WHAT AN ASS. Hello selfish!

 

Or are saying that the money he inherited is gone?

 

For now, you two budget. Don't go out for lunch at work, pack a lunch. Use coupons for groceries, keep an eye on good deals. Cut down on outings (Dinner, movies, drinking etc) and plan fun things to do at home.

 

you two need to learn how to compromise and also sort out this attitude he has about spending money, it'll only get worse as time goes on.

 

In the meantime, borrow money from your parents. That dental work IS necessary and not something that can be ignored!

[whichwayisup]

Men tend to only hear what they want to. As a result when things change they freak out about never knowing it was going to happen. Before you actually did it, you should have set him down and forced him to listen and let him know that you were going to get them for sure. Then you both could have expressed any issues you may have had. Just because you make twice as much as him doesnt mean anything, if your married it's YOUR money and YOUR finances not just one persons. Telling a man that he doesnt make nearly enough money or the fact that he should be picking up slack is very low. Men need to uphold their self-esteem and pointing out flaws that they may already be insecure about is no way to keep a strong marrage. You can make extra money, yes, well..at least he is trying something. You should feel blessed to be successful, not a lot of people are. Talking is the best way to solve it, regarless if it starts a fight or not, maybe a fight is whats needed in order toget out what really needs to be said. Look, the braces are done, you cant go back. Speak about how it makes both of you feel (you not wanting chipped teeth)&(him worried about money). See if there is a underlying issue. Be open, but firm to how you feel.

 

 

You can never move forward if you're stuck in the past.

 

Same reaction as Frisky and I'm female!

 

You are generalizing ALL men and that's not fair. Not listening and not communicating is not gender specific! There are plenty of women who have those same flaws, just as many as men, so this isn't right to paint the brush that way.

 

Unfortunately the OP has a husband who is selfish and isn't giving - Isn't understanding and feels his 'fun' stuff comes first before dental health. That isn't right and that has to be changed.

[BetheButterfly]

So as a result of cracked teeth, I had to get braces to correct my bite as the way my teeth are aligned, more teeth could crack over the long term the longer I waited for braces. I also had a root canal that brought up another unexpected expense and that tooth had been hurtng for 6 months, so I couldn't really hold off any longer. Anyways, my husband is upset and telling me he has no idea how we can afford the extra bills...despite me telling him the night before getting braces that I wasn't sure if I should get braces because of the finances right now. I wanted to get braces now and out of the way before my student loan payments come up. Anyways, he didn't say much when I tried to talk to him about it the night before. And 2 days later he has this fit about finances. I told him I tried to talk to him about it BEFORE the braces and he said he ASSUMED I must already know we cannot afford it and wouldn't have done it. I told him it's a little late now and I tried talking to him about it the day before and he didn't really say anything. I told him if he was really opposed to it, he should have put in his two cents. Anyways...he also blew 4k on a crap car which I told him to have a diagnostic done before purchasing....it ended up being 4k down the drain, yet I cannot have my teeth fixed. I make twice as much as he does and he's telling me to get a second job when I know I can work for my dad or a friend of mine for extra money. He's been the one with no job or part time minimum wage jobs the entire time we've been living together....I'm not the one who needs to pick up slack here.

 

Ouch

 

I'm sorry about that.

 

Teeth are really important. I am glad you are getting them fixed, though braces hurt!!!

 

Personally, I wish that dentistry and orthodontics were not so expensive... it's not fun paying for it when one can't afford the price.

 

Can you call the office and ask for a payment plan that is in line with your salary and budget?

 

As for your husband, it makes me sad that he is not valuing your teeth. Teeth are a treasure that need to be taken care of, so I don't understand his point of view. I don't know what kind of counsel to give, cause it seems he needs counsel as to how to care for his mate. Does he know any great men who can mentor him in how to be a great husband? That's what it sounds like he needs... a role model who can show him that valuing his wife's teeth is important. Does he have a good Dad who has shown him this?

 

Also, Feelin Frisky is right... there are many guys who care about the wellbeing of their mates, as well as for other people. Many have not had good role models in their lives but understand the concept of caring for others. I wonder if your husband needs to learn that somehow?

Edited November 12, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[planetpower]

Men tend to only hear what they want to. As a result when things change they freak out about never knowing it was going to happen. Before you actually did it, you should have set him down and forced him to listen and let him know that you were going to get them for sure. Then you both could have expressed any issues you may have had. Just because you make twice as much as him doesnt mean anything, if your married it's YOUR money and YOUR finances not just one persons. Telling a man that he doesnt make nearly enough money or the fact that he should be picking up slack is very low. Men need to uphold their self-esteem and pointing out flaws that they may already be insecure about is no way to keep a strong marrage. You can make extra money, yes, well..at least he is trying something. You should feel blessed to be successful, not a lot of people are.

 

He is the one who said I need to get a second job and the point I was making is that he makes so little, part time and I know he's capable of having a much better job...so why should it be me picking up the slack because he cannot manage his money?

 

 

So, his inheritance is his 'play' money and he won't use some of that money to help pay dental bills? WHAT AN ASS. Hello selfish!

 

Or are saying that the money he inherited is gone?

 

Yeah, unfortunately there is barely enough to pay rent for a few months and I told him a few months before that he really needs to save that money for absolute necessities since we have several months to go before graduating college and obtaining better jobs so we can be financially independent and not piss it away. He's 29 and really doesn't know how to budget.

 

I've talked to my dad about doing some extra work for his business for some extra cash. I'd really hate to think that being rendered homeless due to lack of proper budgeting would lead to the dissolution of our marriage.

[planetpower]

Ouch

 

 

As for your husband, it makes me sad that he is not valuing your teeth. Teeth are a treasure that need to be taken care of, so I don't understand his point of view. I don't know what kind of counsel to give, cause it seems he needs counsel as to how to care for his mate. Does he know any great men who can mentor him in how to be a great husband? That's what it sounds like he needs... a role model who can show him that valuing his wife's teeth is important. Does he have a good Dad who has shown him this?

 

 

Well unfortunately his dad passed away when he was young...his mother is sick and stepdad is a jerk to put it mildly...so he really doesn't have anyone to really give good advice.

[Jennyridge]

If you keep bringing it up every few days or so the importance of communication. Maybe he will look into that himself also provide a website or news article that discusses the importance of communication in any relationship this should help him get the picture.

Edited November 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bolainmarsh2]

Sounds to me like he just has a hard time opening up and he represses all of his feelings. If you did ever try to leave him that may be the root cause of your problem. However you said that he's normally a great husband so it sounds like you would know if he didnt love you. Hang in there if you guys are a young couple maybe with time he will learn to open up and confide in you.

[DropsOfGold]

If he pays your rent with his inheritance then why are you complaining? I have seen your posts many times before about the very same issues. You sound spoiled. Maybe it would do you good to take a long hard look at yourself.