3 weeks and still very sad

[trouble]

Hi guys

It has been three weeks since my fiance decided not to marry me. I won't go into the story again for those of you who have seen my posts. I was doing better but today he sent me the key to the storage facility that he put my stuff in. I just felt so disconnected. I know that there isn't anything anyone can do. I have been trying to work on myself and keep a positive attitude but I am so sad. I am now dealing with the loss of physical intimacy. It wasn't a concern in the beginning. I am not about to go have a one night stand. I don't really have any interest in that. I am just dealing with my loss.

 

I am 28 years old and have a law degree. I know that time will heal me but as all of you know it sucks right now. I feel so alone. I hate hurting people ( I am sure most of you don't enjoy it either). I am extremely sensitive to other people's feelings and the fact that he no longer wants to make it work makes me really sad. I hate conflict and would have done anything to make it work. I know it takes two. I have to believe that someone will eventually appreciate me for my intelligence, outgoing nature, kindness, beauty and want a relationship to work. I just don't understand how someone could give up after a rough week. I am not perfect and I think all relationships are tested at some point. I guess mine just failed.

 

I guess I am just looking for some support.

Thanks

[brashgal]

oh honey, it just takes time. Don't rush it. Be good to yourself. You didn't 'fail', you just weren't with the right person. Be happy this didn't happen to you AFTER you were married.

[trouble]

Thanks.

I know it takes time. I was married before to an abusive husband. When he finally divorced me I knew it was for the best but I didn't want to go through the pain of getting over it and change. This is so different because I don't really have anything that I can complain about. I mean- I knew that my other relationship was not a healthy one. This one just seemed so right. We talked about our feelings and how we both hated conflict and we would always try to make it work. I guess because we had those conversations it made me even more shocked when he walked away after one fight.

 

I know I will love again. I took 2 years off after my divorce (we weren't even married a year). I worked on me. I guess I was just finally at a point where I was ready to start a new life with a new man and begin a family. I hate thinking that I will have to wait another 2 years in order to do this again.

[drinana]

Hey trouble..

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.. I am in the same boat as you.. My fiance and I just broke up a little over a week ago.. It's so hard to believe that these people that we were ready to spend our lives with could just walk out of our lives like nothing.. I too tried to make things work, but like you said it takes 2..

 

I have so many unanswered questions, but I sit here and wonder if it will be easier for me to get through this without having those answers, without having to hear things that I may not be ready for or want to hear... Things that could make me go back to ground-zero..

 

I'm glad to hear that you are sucessful and that you know you are beautiful, outgoing, etc.. I know that this whole process isn't easy but we will be ok.. And hey, better that we found out they were jerks now than after the wedding right?? And I know that everyone says it but we will find our Prince Charmings one day..

 

The other day I read about a lady who's fiance just up and left one day (without saying anything).. well just a little before that she had sent out engagement announcements... So to let everyone know that things were off, she sent out new announcements that read:

 

"Picked the wrong guy. Gave him the wrong finger"...

 

I love that..

 

Sending you a big hug and support..

 

Take care..

[trouble]

Thanks for the support.

I know I should be stronger at 28 but it still is hard for me to do alone. I just moved home after law school to start a new job. The only reason I moved here was because I was going to be married to him. I would never have come back here alone.

 

I wish I was emotionally stronger and could just walk away from this situation without retaining hope. I know that hope is bad because it cripples your ability to truly heal by holding on to the faint possibility that he will come back.

 

I really wouldn't marry him in Nov like planned but I would be willing to try our relationship again. I wish I could feel like everyone wants me to and could say "At least now and not later"

I know it will come with time.

Thanks for taking the time to send me a post. Every bit helps. I sometimes feel that my posts aren't very controversial or interesting so they don't really inspire a lot of people to reply.

 

I appreciate it.

[aFighter]

A rough week? He gave up over a rough week!? Is that right?

 

Jeez. Ask santa to bring him a spine for christmas.

[trouble]

aFighter

I was under an unusual amount of stress. I was hit by a drunk driver on Easter of this year and was injured pretty badly. Thank god my broken bones have begun to heal. I had a temporary brain injury- a real bad concussion and I was having memory issues and other things.

I then had to miss the last 2 months of law school and almost didn't make graduation.

I graduated and moved to my fiance's house until my new job started.

I was then separated from my friends that I had made for 3 years.

Then he asked me to marry him. Eventhough I was elated it is still stressful planning a wedding.

I also started my first job as an attorney and it was two hours away from him. So I was dealing with the stresses of new job and long distance relationship.

 

We had some quarrels. I blew up at him a few times. This behavior was uncalled for regardless of the amount of stress I was under but I do believe it was the main cause. We had a fight a couple of weekends ago. I had to leave to go back home so I just said if you really feel that way about me then I don't wan to marry you. I gave the ring back and left.

 

1/2 hour later I was calling him apologizing. I ended up driving back that night to try to work on it.

 

He wouldn't budge. He just said that I chose to walk out. He said that I gave up on the relationship. He told me that he couldn't trust me because I had always promised that I wouldn't leave him. He said that if he got back together with me he would always wonder if I was happy. He would be afraid that I would leave. He would avoid conflict so I wouldn't leave and then it would just be a big mess.

 

I admitted that I made a mistake and that I wouldn't ever walk out again but that wasn't good enough.

 

Oh well. I guess I just really screwed up.

[drinana]

Hey again..

 

OMG!! I think you sound pretty d*** strong considering everything you have been through.. And I know what you mean about hope.. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it it's still there in the back of my mind.. But yes, you are right.. We won't be able to truly get over this until we accept the fact that it's over..

 

I know that it's hard to really take in what people say about better now than later.. Believe me, I know.. But at this point that's one of the few things I have to go with.. I just hope that someday (if things don't work out) you'll be able to really believe that..

 

This guy sounds super duper stubborn.. Ok, so you guys had a fight.. That's what happens in relationships.. You can really only apologize so many times.. If he isn't willing to meet you half way then don't keep putting your energy and time into it.. I know it's hard to think that way right now, but you have SO many other things going for you... And also, it sounds like he's totally blaming you for EVERYTHING.. That's not ok.. Instead of playing a blame game he should have been mature enough to sit down and have a conversation about it with you..

 

Oh, and don't even feel like your posts aren't interesting/controversial enough.. We have all had different things happen in our relationships.. The one thing we all have in common is that we hurt..

[trouble]

Thanks

It does help to put my posts on here. I am really glad I found this site. My friends tell me that it will come in waves. Some days will be good and then it will hit me out of no where. I like what my Dad said. He told me that it is like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and it is too big for the room. You can't pay attention to other people's conversations because you are too worried about the elephant.

 

I know that one day I will find someone and I will be healed and ready to be in another relationship. I hope when that day comes I will remember this site and post a positive message to help all those who are hurting.

 

This is a great community. I never expected such support from total strangers. I hope I can be of help to anyone who feels alone.

[aFighter]

At least he could have had the sense to realize it was the stress talking. I mean come on, every couple had fights for god's sake. That's no reason to ditch the woman he was going to marry

I smell a rat. Maybe he got cold feet?

[trouble]

aFighter

All I can tell you is that he was involved with his ex wife for 12 years. They dated for 5 and were married for 7. She cheated on him during college andhe forgave her. She then cheated on him during the marriage. I think he is hypersensitive to what he thinks are warning signs of relationship problems. He saw my actions as red flags and decided to bail

[snilljente]

As hard as this is for you....you deserve better than someone who "quits" this easily....I feel your pain..my husband of almost 10 years left me and at the age of 33 I found myself "starting over"...I understanding missing the physical..not just the sex, but someone to hold you....I have been there. Unfortunately, there are alot of people in this world that take what I consider to be the easy way out. Have peace in knowing that you cared and that he is the one who doesn't want to try and make things work...he is the quitter....would you really want to be married to someone who wasn't going to stick around during the rough times....You deserve better....take this time to pamper yourself, love yourself....put yourself first.....and time will heal....

[aFighter]

Originally posted by trouble

aFighter

All I can tell you is that he was involved with his ex wife for 12 years. They dated for 5 and were married for 7. She cheated on him during college andhe forgave her. She then cheated on him during the marriage. I think he is hypersensitive to what he thinks are warning signs of relationship problems. He saw my actions as red flags and decided to bail

 

That's not very fair and it sure as hell isn't right. What a rotten thing to do.

You hang in there and let this blow over. Obviously you wasted your time with this guy. You should find yourself a real man and leave this Boy & his insecurities behind.

[SMF]

Trouble- it seems like you have gone through a lot and you have survived. From your first marriage, to your accident to now this....

 

You are ONLY 28. You have so much ahead of you and you will make smart decisions in the future.

 

I can understand where you look back and you want to blame yourself and say - "had i not done that, had i not done this, or said that".... the truth of the matter is that if someone loves you they do not let you go. That is what makes marrriages work.. bc marriages will always be tested since life is not easy but if you love someone you work on things to keep the bond together. Seems like you would have been headed down a rough road with this man.

[trouble]

Thanks guys

I know that he quit and that isn't a good sign. I just wish it was enough to make me not want things to work out with him. I know I am only 28 but I was so ready to start a life with him. I am sure that time will heal this. I am not like some people who can't see beyond the hurt. I am just having another bad day today. He was in my dreams and I woke up and thought about him on the way to work. I don't want to have false hope but it is so hard for me to not pray for a miracle. I am sure this is natural. Your posts have helped and I welcome any other comments.

 

I know that he is gunshy right now. I think he never dealt with the pain of losing his wife. I think he may have replaced his pain with his love for me so when I screwed up it all came crashing down. I don't want to minimalize his experience. His pain and fear are valid. I wouldn't want to go through what he went through again. I am afraid his fear is crippling his ability to realize that our love was strong and I was not going to repeat the mistakes of his first wife. He never compared us before but it just seems like that is what has happened. I love him and I have been praying that he heals not just for my selfish sake but because I don't want him to hurt. He last e-mailed me Saturday. He ended it with I hope you are doing Ok. I didn't respond. It wasn't a direct invitation to a response but I think he probably expected one. I haven't contacted him since and I don't plan on it. I think he needs to experience life without me. He needs to see that he has made a decision that doesn't include me. He still believes that I am responsible for ending it. He doesn't understand that I made a mistake in the heat of the moment. He seems to think that I wouldn't have done it unless I meant it. After this first happened he actually said in an e-mail that whether or not I wanted to admitt it I chose to end it not him.

 

I know that we all have unrealistic views of our SO especially when we are estranged. But I know in my heart we could have had a great relationship. I can't make him want to work on it. I just hope that with time he will come around. I mean it has happened before with other people- at least I am guessing it has. Of course I do have age against me. He is 34 so it isn't like he is in college and still figuring out who he is.

 

I wouldn't be able to get through the day without your support. Thanks. Being a new attorney sucks when your emotional well being is being tested.

 

Ill be online almost all day.