Did past cheater made me a serial flirter?

[BetrayedLady]

I once caught a ex bf cheat on me with a married woman but tried to work things out. In the end I couldn't take it anyways and went back to my high school bf. I feel my cheating ex was the trigger towards my change and now it's like I'm acting different from my once naivee, forgiving self.

 

But the relationship was getting stale and he broke up with me. We still remain as friends and sometimes still keep in contact.

 

My current situation is with my new bf of 9 months. Though I love him and so does he, this is what I've done when we don't see each other:

 

1) Go out with my female friends to parties more often (I was never a party animal before) and dance with other guys.

2) Chat with random men online and sometimes it involves a sort of dirty conversation but they're not guys I'll ever see again. Many of them I chat are from another country.

3) Made some guy friends from my work and have each other's number. Sometimes we flirt but that's it.

4) I'm guilty of creating another profile on facebook and putting it as single as well as telling 3 I chat that I'm single.

 

Unlike my cheating ex, my current bf hasn't cheated on me nor acted suspicious. But I'm starting to feel bad about what I'm doing. I know it's not really cheating but it's like this somewhat wild side within me that emerged suddenly.

Edited November 12, 2012 by BetrayedLady

[BetrayedLady]

If you want the background story to see where did this all started here are 3 of my old threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/182022-im-woman-who-caught-b-f-cheating-married-woman

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/221312-consider-cheating

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/223645-i-dont-love-my-boyfriend

 

BTW this is my now 3rd relationship. Just so there is no confusion, I remained friend with my previous high school sweetheart (Guy 1), not my cheating ex bf (Guy 2). Now I'm struggling to stop flirting while I'm in this new relationship (Guy 3).

 

Did Guy 2 cause me to act this way?

Edited November 12, 2012 by BetrayedLady

[BetrayedLady]

Ok I'm waiting for some inputs. This is the update to my current situation as of now.

 

It's like I feel in the need of constant attention when he isn't around but he doesn't knows this. The last time I went to a party with my friend Keisha, I told him I was staying over at my aunt's. I know it's wrong but don't know why I'm doing this. I think guy 2 messed me up and it's like I can't never be that same nice girl again. I didn't even drink that much at the time.

[carhill]

IMO, what happened was an emotional trauma affected you at a young age when your 'style' of relating to others in a romantic way was being formed. It's entirely reasonable that such behaviors were a direct result of the trauma. Regardless, it is what it is.

 

Here's a tip from our psychologist: If a behavior prevents or inhibits the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny.

 

Another tip from someone who blew up a marriage by acting inappropriately with others, like you're doing when seeking out attention from men other than your boyfriend by flirting with them: If your behavior would be disapproved of by your mate if acted out in front of them, then it's inappropriate for your relationship. If your partner is unaware and this is purposeful, it could be considered deceptive, often described as 'cheating'. Again, it is what it is.

 

If you find this to be distracting and/or debilitating, try getting some professional help. Re-reading my postings in your past threads does not change my opinion in the here and now. This apparently is a persistent and long-lived issue. Good luck.

[jimloveslips]

Wow, sounds like me, I just posted on this in the "General Relationship" forum.

 

There's an underlying need there, but just with me I'm not really sure what it is!

 

You sound pretty flirty rather than looking for a real physical relationship. Maybe your guy isn't paying you the right compliments?

 

Maybe it feels less than previous relationships and you are trying to get that extra from outside your current one?

 

Maybe you need to initiate a little more relationship type interaction with your guy - go out somewhere nice, stay over for a weekend, something sexy and romantic - get him interested...

 

??

[Spectre]

No offense to you, but I would think you are the one who made yourself this way. Nobody forces you to flirt right? You were cheated on before? So you should know how much it hurts. Why you'd want to even inflict 1/10th of that kind of pain by the way you're currently behaving is beyond my ability to understand.

 

You have dirty conversations with other men and you even create new Facebook profiles to flirt. It's not technically cheating, but it's not just harmless flirting either. It tells me you have zero respect for your boyfriend and are trying to use the way other guys treated you as an excuse for this shady behavior.

 

I'm going to ask you a question now and the answer will tell me whether or not you actually care about your boyfriend even a tiny bit: are you going to tell him about all this? If your answer is "no" then that is a major red flag. Who knows maybe being cheated on did make you this way, but that doesn't excuse your behavior and it doesn't mean you don't owe your boyfriend the truth.

Edited November 14, 2012 by Spectre

[BetrayedLady]

Thanks for the answers and yes he is totally unaware of this. If he ever finds this out, for sure he'll probably send me to hell or it will create an argument.

 

I'm trying to control this wild side within me. I keep telling myself ''No I will not get online and flirt with them'' but once I'm connected and my bf isn't there, I do it.

 

Spectre yes I was deeply hurt by my ex's cheating (guy 2 in my post). It was worst for me because I had to actually walk on it and see the whole thing. It felt like the deepest level of humiliation and as of now, I really hate that guy. If I ever saw him again, I might literally snap at him. I'll never forgive me. Never (come to think about it, I don't think I ever did but was just too sad to react at first).