He's stuck in the past...I dont know what to do anymore

[babybrat0869]

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My boyfriend dont bleave me anymore. It seems like every word i say to him is a lie...and he is stuck in the past. Yeah i use to do alot of things (d%*&$) that i didnt want him to know about but he knew i was doing them and i use to lie alot.

I have whent threw alot of trouble to quit and i have stoped all of them...and i have changed and he knows i have but he just dont listen to me. He will start to bleave me then bring up the past.

For example: he would ask me where i was that day if i didnt call him to tell him where i was going...and i would tell him one place then he would say you were probly off getting high with one of the people i use to hang out with....or something like that. That really gets annoying...

I really need help i lose it all the time...i dont know how to handle it anymore....and i dont see why he cant get over the past if he says he loves me so much...and i love him too...we've been going out for 10 months. It'll be a year on october 20, 2004.

[LolaLopez]

my hub used to lie all the time and the trust STILL is not great. and if he does one thing wrong forget it. it takes years. and it also takes you being willing to be accountable and reassure him all the time. you must be willing to do that when you destroy the trust. you have to do what it takes to earn it back. but it can be done.

[lifeisloveispain]

Ok, BabyBrat, this is gonna sound like tough love, but...

 

You used to lie a lot. By your own confession. On the hierarchy of sins in a relationship, lying is definately in the top three. Without honesty, there really is no relationship. Even one lie can destroy years of time spent building something of worth.

 

If you two truly love each other, you need to sit down and have a talk. Reassure him you're not doing the drugs (I'm assuming it was drugs from the way you talk about it) anymore. Tell him you're not lying to him anymore, and won't, and mean it. Let him now how it makes you feel when he keeps bringing this stuff up (it sounds corny, I know, but try it anyway). Let him know you understand why he doesn't entirely trust you anymore, and that you're doing your best to regain his trust. Trust is lost more easily than it's earned, and it will take time to rebuild it. Finally, tell him you love him, and that if he loves you, could he please stop doing these things that hurt you. Nobody wants to see the person they love in pain.

 

Then do whatever it takes to slowly rebuild his trust, without compromising yourself or your values. Yes, you messed up, but that was some time ago. You haven't done anything wrong since then. Be proud of that.

 

Hope that helps.

 

-lifeisloveispain

[That_girl]

I'm having the exact same problem with the guy I'm seeing now. We've known each other for quite a few years and I can't stand the fact that he constantly brings up the past, or assumes things about me based on the things I did all of those years ago. I agree with lifeisloveispain, the best thing to do is let him know that it bothers you, and also remind him that you have changed. I've done the same thing and though he slips from time to time, he's made an effort not to assume things as much or bring up the past. If telling him doesn't work for you, and he still can't trust you, you're going to have to deal with that and ask yourself if it's really going to be worth all the time you'll have to spend justifying your actions and proving yourself.

[LolaLopez]

you have to be super accountable. no question he asks is unreasonable and you can not make him feel like it is. you must be totally open and willing, or it will not change. little by little, every time you do something credible, a tiny piece of trust comes back. if you do something uncredible, forget it, back two spaces. Like last nt, my hub came home when he said from a work fxn, that was good. However, he had drank too much and drivenhome, that was bad. so it waskind of even keel. Had he come home more sober, that would have been some progress. ay.

[babybrat0869]

hey gurls,

thanks for the advise i will do that...and if i have more problems with it i will shure let yall know....he he he but i am going to go thanks again...

alwayz and forever

-Baby Brat