Is lack of initial period of strong attraction/infatuation a problem?

[Luna06]

I am currently in a relationship of a bit over a year. This is the longest relationship I've been in, and I've only had two others and a handful of short-term dating situations. Anyway, I am getting to be around 30 and I am thinking seriously about settling down and before meeting my boyfriend I had resolved to screen dating partners based on things that supposedly matter the most in the long term, like trust, dependability, honesty, etc. However, none of these things really produce instant sparks.

 

One of the things that has always sort of worried me (perhaps unnecessarily, and that is why I am on this forum) is that I never went through a period of strong attraction/infatuation with my current boyfriend. I specifically was looking for things like trust, respect, honesty, etc when we started to date, and I found these things in him. However, if I had not been looking for these things, the relationship probably would not have materialized, because the previous relationships happened more "naturally", meaning there was a strong, mutual "pull" or attraction between us with a strong physical element to it and a long list of interests or opinions in common. With my current guy, that strong attraction phase just never happened. I am attracted enough to him, but never had this overpowering sense of "this is the person for me" right off the bat, and I have never felt as attracted to him in that infatuated sort of way as I have with previous guys.

 

I am wondering if anyone out there who is married or in a long-term relationship also experienced a lack initial infatuation/head-over-heels attraction, and is this phase even necessary?

[manup]

I am currently in a relationship of a bit over a year. This is the longest relationship I've been in, and I've only had two others and a handful of short-term dating situations. Anyway, I am getting to be around 30 and I am thinking seriously about settling down and before meeting my boyfriend I had resolved to screen dating partners based on things that supposedly matter the most in the long term, like trust, dependability, honesty, etc. However, none of these things really produce instant sparks.

 

One of the things that has always sort of worried me (perhaps unnecessarily, and that is why I am on this forum) is that I never went through a period of strong attraction/infatuation with my current boyfriend. I specifically was looking for things like trust, respect, honesty, etc when we started to date, and I found these things in him. However, if I had not been looking for these things, the relationship probably would not have materialized, because the previous relationships happened more "naturally", meaning there was a strong, mutual "pull" or attraction between us with a strong physical element to it and a long list of interests or opinions in common. With my current guy, that strong attraction phase just never happened. I am attracted enough to him, but never had this overpowering sense of "this is the person for me" right off the bat, and I have never felt as attracted to him in that infatuated sort of way as I have with previous guys.

 

I am wondering if anyone out there who is married or in a long-term relationship also experienced a lack initial infatuation/head-over-heels attraction, and is this phase even necessary?

Please please please leave him, you'll end up tearing this guy up.

[Mint Sauce]

I'd say it is only a problem if

 

- it affects the "passionate" side of your relationship, i.e. the sex and the desire to surprise each other in a romantic way.

 

- you won't be able to withstand temptation when another guy comes along that does ignite a massive spark

 

At ~30, you should have enough experience to honestly answer the above questions.

[todreaminblue]

I am currently in a relationship of a bit over a year. This is the longest relationship I've been in, and I've only had two others and a handful of short-term dating situations. Anyway, I am getting to be around 30 and I am thinking seriously about settling down and before meeting my boyfriend I had resolved to screen dating partners based on things that supposedly matter the most in the long term, like trust, dependability, honesty, etc. However, none of these things really produce instant sparks.

 

One of the things that has always sort of worried me (perhaps unnecessarily, and that is why I am on this forum) is that I never went through a period of strong attraction/infatuation with my current boyfriend. I specifically was looking for things like trust, respect, honesty, etc when we started to date, and I found these things in him. However, if I had not been looking for these things, the relationship probably would not have materialized, because the previous relationships happened more "naturally", meaning there was a strong, mutual "pull" or attraction between us with a strong physical element to it and a long list of interests or opinions in common. With my current guy, that strong attraction phase just never happened. I am attracted enough to him, but never had this overpowering sense of "this is the person for me" right off the bat, and I have never felt as attracted to him in that infatuated sort of way as I have with previous guys.

 

I am wondering if anyone out there who is married or in a long-term relationship also experienced a lack initial infatuation/head-over-heels attraction, and is this phase even necessary?

 

 

 

With my ex, i was not attracted to him from day one in fact he was my friend for quite a few years, there was a spark, as friends we got on really well together he was respectful,he spent a lot of time with me, preferring my company over his friends and he had a lot of friends i began to see him in a different light because he was always there.so the attraction developed over time.....we are not together now.......

 

 

I feel there has to be an interest there, i do know this.......flash fires happen suddenly they burn out , but if a fire starts slowly........and you keep tending it.....it will last a lot longer than a flash fire......love takes a bit of effort to keep burning .....and i do believe that you can build on qualities you find desirable.....there must be some kind of physical pull though some spark..........from both sides not just one.....deb

[QueenDiva]

Have you tried talking to your current man about this? Obviously its not something he's going to want to hear, but maybe he feels the same way towards you. Or maybe he will attempt to do things that open up your eyes to a new side of him. Men and women alike will go to various lengths to show one another something. It may sound silly to try and do something to instigate that spark but some people need a fire lit under their butts to get them moving maybe the both of you just need a spark to get you started. I would try talking to him about it. Being honest is better than hiding it. See what you can come up with or maybe see what he does, who knows you might uncover a whole new person under everything else you have already fallen for.

[GoodOnPaper]

 

I am wondering if anyone out there who is married or in a long-term relationship also experienced a lack initial infatuation/head-over-heels attraction, and is this phase even necessary?

 

Yes and yes. Not being in love will limit how closely you bond and can make the everyday "work" of marriage even that much more stressful. In the long run, you want to be able to feel comfortable enough with your spouse to completely let your guard down. I think the initial in-love phase lays the foundation for that.

[Scarlett5]

I'd say don't 'settle' - 30 is young and not a time to be compromising on sexual attraction.

 

I'm glad you asked the question though, I'm only a couple of years behind you, never been in a long term relationship, and whilst those qualities you talk about are extremely important, for me, so is attraction.

 

If only finding the guy it feels completely right with was that easy hey! It makes me wonder whether there are lots of people settling, thinking the same as you. Which could be why there is so much infidelity (amongst other reasons). Or just a lot of lucky as hell people who have somehow managed to end up with the right person for them. It baffles me!

[lulee]

When i first met my now husband i did not think much of him but the more i got to know him the more i became crazy in love with him, i can say i started to really have deep feelings 3 months in to the relationship.

 

This does not mean however, that you should wait around and see if the same happens. Sometimes, the whole age thing really gets to us about we have to settle down by this time, and have kids by that time and what not, don't feel forced to settle with someone you do not have a close bond to because of the pressures of how society views when one should be married and have kids. It will be okay, If he is not the one he is not the one, you will know when you have that truly deep connection

 

From your post it seems your not so sure if he is the one for you, and if you have this feeling in your gut and in your heart then he probably is not. Evaluate your feelings for him, don't settle because you think is the "right" thing to do because of your age. If you married with someone you "think" is not too bad and you have no deep connection with that person then it will not work out in the long run as a marriage because you dont feel that "im in love".

It takes time to get that flame started but once it starts it sure is hard to turn it off, so maybe you need time with this person to see if he is the one you want if not your love will come don't worry.

[Solcita2]

I have two cases to tell you (and a little conclusion at the end).

 

1) One of my best friends in college. When I met her she was dating the guy of her dreams... before dating she was in love with him for two years. They became high school sweethearts.

Suddenly one day she arrives to class crying, he simply left her with no explanation. One week later he had a new gf.

8 months later she met one of my childhood friends. She fell head over heels for him. They dated for almost 3 years and were even talking marriage. She went cold feet, broke up and started dating a coworker (college was over by that time). But when she realized that her coworker was a womanizer, for some reason she wanted to go back to her ex. By that time she found out that he was unfaithful (several times according to some people) but she wanted him back bad. She even slept with him several times even when he was already dating someone else (he ended up marrying that girl), a jewel, huh?

He moved out of town and she had to let him go... later someone introduced her a guy who was nice enough, from a nice family and blah blah blah and started dating him.

I never ever saw her as in love as I saw her with her previous bfs... and she ended up marrying this guy and they seem to be perfect for each other...

 

2) Me.

Before my current relationship I was in only one relationship. I even lost virginity with him at 26. He ended up being married... I thought I'd die.

After the break up, the discovery, and so on... I met my current bf. He found me through FB and started talking. When we met in person he fell in love with me instantly. Me? Not so much... I thought I had a new friend and he thought he met the love of his life.

I didn't want to hurt him, because he was in love and I just "liked him".

We've been together for 3 years now, living together for 2 and I can't imagine my life without him. We had HUGE problems in the way, we almost separated twice... but we're still together and I can't imagine any other future for me.

 

Conclusion?

I love my bf and I'm absolutely in love with him (althought sometimes I could just kill him) I see him and I know that there is no one else on earth that could get me the way he gets me.

I didn't fall for him immediately, but I did start having strong feelings for him during the first month of dating. I see him and I like him all, even when he can be fat, or in his worst tshirt.

It wasn't easy at first to me because I had to teach myself to open up again. The first time he told me he loved me I cried, because I was having feelings too and I was thinking how much it'd hurt when he ended up being a jerk or leaving me or blah blah blah...

 

In my friend's case I think she could never be as open as she was in her previous relationships about how in love she was because she was so badly hurted by who she thought she would end up with... maybe age is a factor, at 30 we don't fall in love the same way that we did at 18...

 

To answer your question: I don't believe in love at first sight or anything like that, but you've been dating your guy for a year and if you don't feel it already I'd say you're wasting your time... you said you liked your guy "enough"... I don't think that's enough at all. And it's dangerous because what happens if tomorrow you meet someone and like him more than enough and you're married to this enough guy?