Helping mum cope with major life change?

[Thinkalot]

OK..I could be beating this issue to death on here, and my apologies if it seems that way.

 

If you've read other posts, you'll know that my mum and I are close, I am the only child, we experienced fights and upheaval when I started seeing my fiance, and we both learnt to let go a bit. We HAVE done that, but not entirely apparently. Mum still has some expectations, and I still worry about her, and suffer guilt.

 

She has money problems. She lives in a big expensive house with no cash flow. She is running out of money entirely. Looks like she needs to sell up. She is depressed, angry, bitter...a victim really.

 

She does not want to move away from the water. She feels life has treated her unfairly. She has emotional attachment to the house. I'd say she feels some hurt and dissapointment also because my fiance and I are not doing more to help (that's just a guess, as she hasn't said that).

 

I am frustrated, and tired with it...and so worried for her. I am the one she turns to ...but even then it seems I dont/can't give enough emotional support.

 

I want her to take control of the situation. Stop feeling sorry for herself. Sell up if she has to..get something cheaper, and have a better lifestyle with the money left over to invest as a result.

 

Today, I told her as much. I told her she may not be able to avoid having to sell, but that she can choose how she handles the situation and reacts to it. I said she could choose the attitude she adopts, and to be negative, or find the positives. I said she may have a lesser house, in not as great a location, but will have money for more activities, or short trips etc...and to pay her bills without stress each month.

 

I said, "I worry about you, and I want the best for you...and I don't want to see you wallow in misery and be bitter and angry about this...you need to make a decision, take control of things, and give yourself more freedom in your life as a result".

 

She said again how she didn't want to move. I said, well if you don't, your lifestyle is not very good anyway.

 

And so on.

 

Am I handling this properly? What else can I do, within the proper boundaries of family relationships to help? Next week I am housesitting for her, and looking after her animals, while she looks for some real estate for north of here.

I'm trying to offer suggestions, and listen when she talks. I am trying to be understanding and not get frustrated.

[moimeme]

You might try getting in touch with a local association for the elderly or geriatric care centre and ask for a counsellor experienced in dealing with the elderly. People become less willing and able to adapt to change as they age and I suspect you need some strategies geared to elderly people.

 

There are also likely some good books on the subject. I popped 'elderly' into amazon's search and got these three which might be worth a look - - I didn't look through the 69259 others

 

Complete Idiot's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents -- by Linda M. Colvin Rhodes, Linda Colvin, Ed.D. Rhodes;

 

Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents : How to Help, How to Survive -- by Claire Berman;

 

Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children -- by Grace Lebow, Barbara Kane;

[honey2005]

Maybe you can talk your mom into selling the big expensive house and downsizing to a smaller, more affordable home that is still beside the ocean. Or if she really is not willing to sell the house, if it's large enough, maybe she could rent out rooms only to people you know and trust, of course). I hope you're able to work something out:(. Good luck.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks to you both.

 

Merry, I'll check out those links.

 

A small house by the ocean is whatshe is hoping to find when she goes searching next week. The problem is, the coastal areas are expensive, and you tend to pay simply for the position position position...regardless of what sits on the land.

[meanon]

I think you've done all you can, Thinkalot. It's the guilt you need to work on now. We've talked before about the fact that the guilt gets in the way of you feeling confident that the line you are drawing on the extent of your responsibilities is the right one.

 

Maybe it will help to think of a similar situation which is less emotive for you. If she was doing something else which was bad for her but which she couldn't stop (maybe a bad relationship?) you would feel upset when she rang you in distress but you would be clear that your role was to provide tea and sympathy as well as the wise advice about the need for change. You would feel no guilt because there is clearly nothing you could do about it.

 

This is the same. Your Mum is determined to hang on to that house as long as she can despite the fact that it causes her stress. That's her choice. I think if you felt less guilt about not doing more to help her then you would feel less frustrated.

 

The guilt isn't good for either of you. It upsets you, it frustrates boy who then resents your Mum for upsetting you and it makes it more difficult for you to know how best to help her and manage her expectations of you.

 

Think through what the guilt is about. If you did more what would you sacrifice? What would be the consequences? How would it affect your relationship and plans for travel and marriage? You've done this before and concluded it's not reasonable to make more sacrifices when your Mum has quite sufficient means at her disposal to take responsibility for herself. Talk to her about it again if you feel it would help. Then try and get rid of it, Thinkalot. Deal with it as you would any other intrusive, repetitive thought pattern that is counter productive. You've had lots of practice at that

[HokeyReligions]

Would it be possible for your mom to open her house up to a boarder / roommate to help with the bills? Will her property allow her to put a smaller home (maybe a mobile home) on it and rent out the main house? That way she can stay on her property and still own the house, and that may make it easier for her to move out of it. (some friends of my brother did that because they couldn't bear to lose their home, but couldn't afford to keep it. By renting it out they could visit it sometimes and had the knowledge that it was still theirs and they felt better about it.)

 

I forget how old your mum is or her health condition. I know the guild of which you speak. I've been wrestling with that for the last five years (since my mom moved in with us) because I feel caught in the middle. Hubby accuses me of putting her first. She tells me to put him first, but her actions and health show me that I need to put her first. I also am trying to give her the most comfortable and secure place possible to live out the rest of her life. I don't want her to end up in a state-run nursing home because I can't or won't provide for her.

 

I don't know what to tell you except that I sympathize with your situation.

[Thinkalot]

meanon, as usual your words of wisdom ring true. I AM frustrated. Partly it's with myself, for still feeling anxious and guilty. I think I m going through the final letting go of the 'mum and me against the world, a united front' type of thinking which governed much of my life. I'd say mum probably still grapples with that sometimes too.

 

Hokey- last week she said she'd decided to take a boarder in...she then changed her mind, because she said she is far too private a person, and couldn't handle it (downstairs does not have a kitchen area, so that would be shared)...

 

Thank you for sharing your situations. My mum is going through similar anxiety over HER mother, who is quite elderly and suffers dementia.

 

My mum turns 61 soon. She suffers neck and back problems which prevent her from doing certain things. She need regular visits to the chiro etc. She also has 2 dogs and 2 cats, which of course also come with hefty bills. Plus the usual car costs, food, etc.... at the moment, when unexpected bills pop up, she can't pay them...stresses out...tells me...I stress out...I tell boy...he stresses out (meanon...you are right...BAD cycle)

 

Anyway..I'm working on doing all the things you suggest. I suppose the post was about seaking reassurance, and some words to ground me again. I find this site so helpful for that! In many instances, with both this, and my OCD. I think it has also saved boy some grief too.

 

I have also told mum I think it is unwise for her to move from this area, where she has made some friends, and knows people in the community,and where my grandmais currently in a retirement village.

 

But she'll do what she wants to do in the end...which is OK, so long as she can then live with it happily I suppose.

[meanon]

But she'll do what she wants to do in the end...which is OK, so long as she can then live with it happily I suppose.

 

That's true - she will do as she wants, it may NOT make her happy but it's not your job to make her happy in life. I had similar problems with my Mum - not financial but extreme emotional dependence to the extent that she made me feel guilty for living an independent life because it meant she couldn't cope.

 

Part of your Mum taking responsibility for herself is to accept the consequences (financial and emotional) of her actions. Of course you will always help as much as you can, but not at the cost of fundamental things in your own life. This will ease with time, Thinkalot. Already your Mum has come a long way in letting you go.

 

I suppose the post was about seaking reassurance, and some words to ground me again. I find this site so helpful for that! In many instances, with both this, and my OCD.

 

Long live the Shack!!!!!!!

[Thinkalot]

Indeed!

[honey2005]

Lol, boy, I think that is so cute:p. I hope things work out with your mother:(.