Somehow I've become the other woman....

[poppy78]

This is a complex story, as i'm sure they all are and i'm not quite sure where to begin or what I am hoping for but I need to get my thoughts out.

 

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we have been married for 3 of those years and we have a two year old son. Six years ago we moved country and made friends with a couple who had also recently moved. They are a lovely couple and we all got on really well.

 

Four years ago, we all went for a night out and when we arrived at their place, my friends husband told me that I looked great. I thought it was a little odd but nothing more of it. We all went out and had a great time and at some time during the night my partner and his wife went to bed and him and I kissed. In the morning I woke feeling very remoseful and confused as to how this could have happened. At that time I didn't have any feelings for him and he tried to maintain contact we me and I told him that we were both married and it was a mistake and would not be happening again.

 

Over the next couple of years we all stayed friends as a group and nothing more happened. We remained close friends and sometimes stayed up late together just chatting about life after our nights out. I got married and they were guests, I wondered whether it bothered him but still didn't recognise that I had feelings for him. We moved to another part of the country and the day before we left he came to see me and whilst nothing was said, I know that there was something between us.

 

We moved back, had a baby and I started a new job working with his wife. I was happy in my marriage and all in life was going great. We all remained friends and spent time together frequently.

 

Sometime between then and now I began to develop feelings for him and despite the fact that I love my husband, we had allowed things to become a little stale. I have spent the last year obsessed by the feelings I have for this man, but continued to keep them to myself. I made a choice to emotionally invest my feeling in another man, rather than working on my marriage....

 

Two weeks ago he was at our place whilst his wife was away. After my husband had gone to bed I went to his room and blurted out how I felt. Told him that I loved him and that I had done for a long time and we kissed and chatted for hours. The next day he went home and I called him and we spoke about how it had been a mistake and it would not go any further and that he knew I had feelings for him, but that it would or could never be more between us, which I accept is true. I thought that he obviously didn't share my feelings and felt a little foolish. Then he casually dropped in the conversation that if our spouses were out of town we could meet up and have sex, by this time I was perplexed!

 

That night he started to send me flirtacious and sexual texts and I started playing along with him. The next day he was full of remorse and telling me it was a terrible idea and he was sorry. A couple of days later, the same thing happened again, but this time he told me that was definitely it and that I should focus on my husband and son and he his wife. I decided at this stage I should try and speak with my husband about how unhappy I was in our marriage. Mu husband is a beautiful man and said that we would work through whatever is making me unhappy and get through it together. I cannot and will not tell him about my feelings for the other man.

 

I spent a couple of days feeling upset and quite bereft, but I understood that it was the right thing to do. He went out with my husband at the weekend and whilst he was out of the room, told me that he didn't think he had made himself very clear and that he had feelings for me and was worried about how I was coping. He told me that he had some stuff going on that he didn't want to talk about, but that the situation with me wasn't helping. I told him that I was really confused and really wasn't sure where I was at with him. We then went to a party where I let myself get drunk and out of control and was very flirtacious with him in front of my husband, his wife and all the guests. Worse still is that I have no recollection, my husband tells me that I wasn't that bad, but my friends husband was really cross with me.

 

I spent the next couple of days feeling terrible and sent him a couple of texts, to which I received curt replies. I decided to go and see him today as I just needed to have it out with him and try and start fixing everything. We have discussed our feelings and whilst I am pretty sure he loves me too, we have agreed that our relationship would never go anywhere or cause anything but pain for our families and ourselves so we have decided to sever all contact with each other outside of our friendship. As painful as it feels right now, I know that it is the right thing to do. Where would it have gone from there........ Probably more lies and I know that we would have eventually had real sex.

 

I know that despite the fact that we didn't have sex, that we both committed an affair. Problem is that he's been part of my life for so long that I really don't know how i'm going to cope. I don't know how I let it come to this, or why I let him know the extent of my feelings. I feel terrible for his wife and my husband and my son but worst of all I feel sorry for myself. I really have no right to as this was all my doing, but I suppose i'm more selfish that I thought. I also thought I was a good person, a good friend and a faithful wife, but my behaviour recently has shown me that I am none of those things. I have lost sight of myself and don't like who I have become. At the same time I still long for him to be back in my life......This is such a confusing time for me and I have nobody to turn to. I want to start putting all of this behind me, but at the same time i'm constantly checking my phone to see if he has been in touch. In a selfish way, I want him to be feeling as bad as I am.

 

I hope that to somebody this makes some shred of sense, or that someone who has been there can give me some advice to pull me out of this hole. I wouldn't blame people for judging me and I certainly don't deserve anyones sympathy. In total honesty, I dont know how far I would have let this go, I fear that it would have been all the way, so in a small way I am thankful that it has ended now before my marriage was beyond all repair.

 

I know that some people will tell me that I cannot mend my marriage until I am truly honest with my husband, but that cannot happen. I still work with his wife, he and my husband are still friends and many of our friends are mutual. We have no family support and this would devastate all of our lives to a point which I cannot even begin to imagine.......

[whichwayisup]

I made a choice to emotionally invest my feeling in another man, rather than working on my marriage....

 

If only you could turn back the clock..If you knew then what you know now....

 

You certainly are in a situation that affects everybody on some sort of level. Not good at all.

 

As much as you don't want to hear this, tell your husband the truth. Use this as the reason to fix things - Make sure he understands the above (one I quoted) and he didn't do anything wrong, that is was YOUR choice and you handled things really badly, and will do everything you can to make it up to him. Move if need be. Quit your jobs and move back to where family is.

 

That friendship with his wife and exMM is over. You all cannot hang out anymore, for a long time you and exMM have made fools of your spouses..

 

Sorry you're in this position, it won't be an easy one to fix.

[MrVegas]

I do not envy your situation, it sounds quite confusing and painful right now. You seem to be well aware of the best choice to make, and it is good you both managed to avoid crossing over into full blown affair. The good news is you know you want your marriage to work, and are willing to do so.

 

Although some or most would disagree, I would not advocate coming clean. If the entire situation is under wraps, and there is no chance of a late night booty call when one of you gets into a fight with the spouse, then coming clean will only hurt. If however you might relapse, a confession may allow your husband to support you with minimizing temptation and fixing what ails your marriage.

 

As I'm sure you are aware, there is no easy answer for your situation. Only you know waht will work best. But whatever you decide on telling your husband, take him up on his offer to help. Get him involved in your love life, it's his too, and it seems like he would like to help. If you minimize the romantic opprotunities with the other guy, and rekindle the fire in your marriage, you may find the desires and feelings of "love" for this other man evaporate.

 

I wish you the best

[2sunny]

Get honest with the man you married! Cut all contact with he OM and move far, far away!

[kamani]

Well, I feel for you.

 

" Wow, delusion is a powerful thing. While you may "love" him, the ONLY thing he was interested in was some sex on the side."

 

I agree. From the first complement he was only physically interested in you.

 

It appears that your affair is still not over. Both of you are still in the danger zone. Any of you still haven't done anything to prevent the recurrence of the same scenario. So the situation sounds still disastrous.

 

If you want to work on your marriage, at least one of you should come to the firm decision of cutting the other person completely from their life. I'm sorry, setting up boundaries on the friendship won't work. You have passed that point and you can't go to 'friends' status back. Being in each others company would only increase feelings.

 

So you need to 'run away' from this man, get him out of your sight, for things to work. Could you do this without telling it to your husband? I think 'No'.

 

Don't beleive this OM when he says 'It's over now. We both want our families. We can stay friends, forget it'. He'll tell this today and then want to have sex with you tomorrow! Don't go there.

 

Please act now. Again remember, 'no friendship is possible'.

 

Good Luck.

Edited November 14, 2012 by kamani
mistake

[browniecalgary]

Thanks for your posting and being transparent. I am a guy and keep myself well groomed. Since our marriage (14 years), I had many occassions when a girl would show signs of being attracted. At times I do flirt back, but not if the girl is anywhere close to my family or even in my neighborhood.

 

Recently, my wife's friend (married) showed very obvious signs that even my wife could notice. I stayed far away from it as there is nothing gross than going to bed with wife's friend.

 

In your case, I think you should keep it to yourself and just move out to a new place to cut off all contacts. Though you might try to cut off contacts and stay in the same place, but it doesn't work. Likeness and sex comes from a combination of mental and physical chemistry which ignites if in contact. Plus, there is always a thrill in secret affairs, so it could draw you into it even though you temporarily get out of it.

 

Good luck!