imma fool for "love"

[inlovewithanotherman]

Last night I cried for him. We've been "seeing" each other for a few days short of a year.. meanwhile putting him first before my baby's father who I've had a relation with for over 7 years.. he is fully aware of the affair and has even approached OM to have a conversation. The relationship with my baby's father is far from perfect.. he has been unfaithful & I found out through facebook.. the same place I met OM. I'm 26, he's 32..with a girlfriend of many years... I never actually asked how many years for fear of jealousy or I just didn't want to know. From the beginning I let him know how much I wanted him and that I wanted "more". Why do I have to be so effing weak??? I cried my first tear for him because I was on a "cold shoulder" trip where I will ignore him for a day or two until my longing to hear or see him comes back... And trust me when I say I'm so vulnerable and weak Why can't I just throw the towel in and let it go!? He shows no need for being with me sexually unless its oral sex. Why do I do this to myself!? Ugh!! I do beleive he is very emotionally attached because I let him know that when I eventually let it go, there will be NO contact whatsoever, he even asked me what I thought about just not having sex and.being friends, I said no... That'll never happen. It's like I find myself begging for sex from this man, or he can't pull it off tonight cuz he's afraid of getting caught. How can he be so emotionally attached but not want to be with me sexually?? I don't get it. It's taking over my life and I feel so out of control and powerless but when in fact I know I have ALL the power. I'm so fed up with waiting around to get that random one hour a week holding hands and kissing like we haven't seen each other in months. I'm going through hell with this affair and has even. Caused some anxiety issues for me, which I know is unhealthy.... What I really want to hear is someone tell me how much he cares for me, and if he really cared for his girlfriend he wouldn't be sneaking to talk and see me. He thinks he's slick and I've noticed he is very manipulative. I want someone to tell me how much he needs me and he does love me. I've never told him I love him because I would be lying to myself and him... Love ain't' supposed to feel like this . Im so fed up going in circles back and forth while he treats me like a side dish.. but then again I would give up all I have just to be with this man... Why am I so weak?? Why can't I just let him go... His gf doesn't deserve this and I even feel bad for her at times. Is never want to be in a relationship with him, why? Cuz I'd be her, wondering what time.he'll come in tonight while he's out with some other ego booster, its not good enough for me so why can't I just let it go?? Cuz when he's with me and I'm laying my head on his chest kissing him, he makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, ill never be satisfied.. i just want someone to love me, and only me.

[scatterd]

I would move on and find a man available. You are his side dish that boost his ego. You deserve so much better then this, so does his girlfriend. Their is so many other men out there that would love you. Love is not this.

[inlovewithanotherman]

You're right. I know all of these things, and I am aware of what I am capable of.. and that's finding someone who thinks i am good enough to be in a real relationship with. He called me this morning, i ignored the first call, he called again right after and i answered :\ I had a bitter attitude.. but so what? I let him know in a text message last night that I had some major thinking to do, and this morning when he called and woke me up I said I really didnt want to talk about it right now. He said he didn't want to ruin my day and he would stop.

I deactivated my facebook last night, and thought it was a good headstart for getting him out of my life... or was it just me wanting him to wonder where I am and what im doing?? without seeing pictures and status updates from my life. I know it would devastate him to cut all contact.. but I just can't keep downing myself and lowering my self-respect for this bull****. Where do I go from here? because part of me wants to stay and continue to keep loving him and grow even more emotionally close. and then apart of me wants to just let it go because i can't handle the pain and suffering anymore, I'm tired of going in circles

[skywriter]

ilwam,

 

I've been out of the A, for six months now. Before I finally just took the perverbial plunge to get out, I was alot like you.

 

It brought back those feelings just reading your post. I so relate to how you feel.

 

You are your own enemy, and you, will be the only one, that can save you. Your brain is gonna have to out think your heart. You will have to talk yourself out of phone calls and text mssgs.

 

It may take seeing or hearing something, like the girlfriends pregnant, or they're engaged, just something big to tip you over to the point o going no contact.

 

You made a statement;

Where do I go from here? because part of me wants to stay and continue to keep loving him and grow even more emotionally close. and then apart of me wants to just let it go because i can't handle the pain and suffering anymore, I'm tired of going in circles.

 

You seriously need to cut all contact,give yourself time to figure out where your at, you seem all over the place because of this man.

Then you said;

 

His gf doesn't deserve this and I even feel bad for her at times. Is never want to be in a relationship with him, why? Cuz I'd be her, wondering what time.he'll come in tonight while he's out with some other ego booster, its not good enough for me so why can't I just let it go??

 

I am a firm believer that, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

Is this what you are waiting for?

[veryhappy]

A man who's not into you sexually, and I mean into you especially at the beginning...let go. There's nothing else to discuss.

 

You are feeling weak because it takes a lot of strength and pain walking away. I have sobbed/cried almost daily for two months now since the last time I saw him. It's very possible exMM is happily married now, not giving a **** about me. It will hurt, but the longer you wait the more tangled your web gets.

Edited November 13, 2012 by cutedragon

[inlovewithanotherman]

you guys are so right... I cried some more today. I just want to change my number and just go no contact without any explaination no fussing, but its gonna take all ive got to do that. I can't do it

[skywriter]

You say that he's slick and manipulative?

 

You can be strong and wise...Believe you, me, that trumps slick and manipulative.

 

You realise that you are vulnerable and weak, that's very important. Don't underestimate your ability to be strong and in control of yourself.

 

Just believe in yourself and challenge yourself one day at a time. It's empowering to get through a day, a week, a month and so on.

[veryhappy]

I can't do it

 

You won't be able to do it as long as you don't believe you can. The only way to build up the confidence is to try untill you succeed for longer and longer periods of time.

 

You need to start somewhere.