porcelainprincess Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I posted earlier about my relationship with a man and his semi-fiance, being kind of like the OW. After a few intimate encounters I asked for a commitment and he shut me down, claiming he only ever wanted to be friends.... "why couldn't i see that he ONLY wanted friendship?" I ended up agreeing with him, and felt freedom from the burden of wishing for a relationship. At least now i knew where I stood in his life, and I told him I would enforce boundaries of strictly friendship which he agreed. I spent some time away from him, rebuilding myself, and generally getting my life back in order. He began contacting me and trying hard to meet with me, so I agreed. He saw my happy, confident self and appeared pleased when we met for coffee. Then his attempts increased in intensity. He began inviting me out for dinner at an extremely expensive restaraunt, i declined several times. We spent some time together with mutual friends and i noticed some new behaviours – namely following me around in public discreetly, staring at me from afar, spending lengthly periods of time examining my face as we drove in the car etc I did accept his fourth invitation to dinner and it was pleasant. After, he walked me home to my apartment and “playfully” stole my key and tried to break into my place. I fended him off for nearly half an hour, jokingly at first and then more serious. The only way I got him to stop was to agree he could come over the next evening to watch a movie. He did come over, bringing presents for me. Part way through the movie he grabbed me and pinned me to the couch and kissed me etc. When I previously would have enjoyed this, I ended up crying and pushing him off of me. He sat on the opposite side of the sofa and stared at me in silence for 30 mins. His face was concerned. At one point he reached over to hold my knee because I was trembling so much. I quietly whispered for him to leave and take my presents with him. I let him walk to the door and leave by himself, I did not even say goodbye. I am wondering if I did the right thing. If so, why does it feel so wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Cat and mouse game. He came looking for you as soon as you stopped paying attention to him and focused on yourself. Good for you that you stood up for yourself. I know you're hurting but you did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 You did the right thing. Sounds to me like this guy does NOT respect "No" as an answer. You had to fend him off for 30 minutes, then had to agree for him to come over in order for him to stop. Then when he was there, he was forceful and aggressive. You say you normally would have enjoyed it, but he had already proven himself disrespectful of your boundaries. So instead of enjoying it, the whole thing had a "rapey" vibe to it. When you freaked out, he didn't even apologize or ask what was wrong? He just sat there staring at you, then tried to touch you again? He obviously wanted one thing from you, and that's it. Good riddance. Move forward from this, and pay attention to your gut. If you have to fend someone off, he has boundary issues. Look for someone who is respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 You did the right thing. Believe your body's reaction. He likes the challange. He didn't want you, but when you moved on it irked him and it became a contest. Cut all contract with him, as there is no friendship. Next time somebody doesn't give you the key back unless you give in to something, call the police. Were you playing the game too or were just overwhelmed? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author porcelainprincess Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 You say you normally would have enjoyed it, but he had already proven himself disrespectful of your boundaries. So instead of enjoying it, the whole thing had a "rapey" vibe to it.I was thinking about this earlier today and I do feel violated, which explains why I was shaking like a leaf... I don't usually do that. I also have several bruises on my body, the smallest is 2 inches When you freaked out, he didn't even apologize or ask what was wrong? He just sat there staring at you, then tried to touch you again?He did ask me if I was okay several times. He also apologized for "making me cry" then the silence began. I think he held my legs because I was shaking so much and he wanted it to stop. For some sick reason I hope he will contact me again... what's wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Wow, Porcelain. What a creepy scumbag. Glad that you're ok; he sounds like a rapist in the making. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 For some sick reason I hope he will contact me again... what's wrong with me? Because you want to feel that he wants you. Because you want to feel that there is nothing wrong with you that would scare him away. Because you don't want it to end badly. Because you are hoping that the nice guy you initially met is the "real him". All normal. But you gotta be smart about this. This guy has already proven himself a cheater AND disrespectful. He's proven that he wants only one thing from you. Require more of yourself than that, and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author porcelainprincess Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 Next time somebody doesn't give you the key back unless you give in to something, call the police. Were you playing the game too or were just overwhelmed?After dinner, it was already really late when we got back to my place. I was getting some seriously uneasy vibes from him. At first I played along, then I kept asking him to "please stop" and I explained I only had that one key for the door, so please return it. I did have to physically attempt to stop him in the hall for about half an hour, although he seemed not troubled by this at all. He begged to just come in "for a moment" or to "take a quick look around" and at that point I was desperate. The only think I knew was for some reason I did NOT want him to come in with me that night, so I agreed for a later date I know I probably handled the situation poorly, but I will be honest - I am fairly young and naive and I have never experienced a man like this before Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I agree with everyone else. You trusted your gut and you did the right thing. Remember all the uneasy feelings you had during the encounter and when your heart seems to be ruling you bring those feelings back into play. Make them level you back out. I wouldn't jump the gun that he was going to rape you but I would say he wasn't beyond trying to mentally and physically 'bully' you into having sex with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 For some sick reason I hope he will contact me again... what's wrong with me? Poor self-esteem, maybe? That's what I'm betting on. Otherwise, why would you want to go back to an uncouth, possibly abusive, piece of trash like him? Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Dude he is a freakin piece of trash he was assaultin u, if he comes nr u again u shud call d cops. Serius, he coulda raped u. Girl, u want 2 hear from him again cos he is like one of those abuser guys he got u hooked on all the intensity n u r feelin it like a drug, evn tho u know it will hurt u, u need 2 cut him off. Serius girl, he probly aint gona take no 4 an answer nxt time then things r gona be REAL ugly so dont let him nr u again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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