She says the distance between us is destroying her.

[karam]

The last month has had the worst and best I have had in my life.

 

A month ago the girl I have been with for 6 months started acting strange and telling me that the distance aparts us (I study and live in another country) is destroeying her and she doesn't know if she wants to go on, as I had only three weeks to go and see her I said that she shouldn't destroy it with the distance finishing so fast. She said she would work on it.

However as time went by things were getting worse day by day, maybe because of my pressure, I don't know. Three days before I would come home she said she is not in love anymore and we cann't continue. Obviously I was devastated and went through hell itself.

When I finally arrived we had a long discussion and got back together. I stayed for week and we had one of the best times ever, saying how we love each other.

Now I am back in the other country for 2 weeks to finish my work and she is behaving strangely again. She doesn't reply to texts, call etc.

I am very sad and worried sick about this, why is she like that, when I left it was her telling me that everything is going to OK and that the distance is soon over and we can be together for good. If that was so (and I believe it), why is she like that now.

Maybe its just me blowing things out of proportion with worry, amybe something is wrong again. We haven't spoken in two days although we said we would. when I left I had decided that I would try to just keep things cool until I was back for good, I think high emotion from a distance is just bad for both....

What do you guys make of this? What do you think will happen?

 

Thanks for reading...

[Pocky]

So you only have two weeks left and then you return for a considerable amount of time?

[wtfjh?]

I have been in a similar situation. My boyfriend (ex) of a year went away for an out of town seasonal job (4 months). Before that, he went to visit family out of state for a few weeks. Long before this, he went out of the country (I visited him for a bit, but he was gone a month without me - by choice). being away from him has always been hard. It is just such a disruption to everything. All I could do was think about him and I felt that all my time was spent "passing time" ....waiting. The long distance thing is just too much. It is frustrating, anxiety inducing, depressing. And then, in such an emotional state, you don't have the one person you need to comfort you. Naturally, feelings of resentment build.

 

The distance, however short, destroyed my relationship (and we loved each other). It was just too much. Just when you get comfortable and excited, they are gone. It just creates emotional chaos.

 

So, I can't really explain it well, but I know exactly where your girlfriend is. Can you write her a letter (maybe chill on the texts and calls) explaining how you feel? Talk in detail about what you plan to do when you come back (my boyfriend did not do this...he was very vague about what would happened when he returned, only insisted that he was coming back). Tell her you are excited and that your feelings have not changed. Apologize for the circumstances and assure her this will not be a pattern. You need to indicate a commitment.

 

Well, that is what I can offer from first hand experience. hang in there.

[Dork]

usually LDR never works out if there are too many options (in other words, lots of dateable singles) and if you do not get to see each other at least once a month with little communication between the both of you.

 

the other case is that both parties trust issue weakens as the distance increases because the other person can see other people without the other person knowing..which creates emotional chaos..keeping in constant contact/sending pics/movies is the key at controlling the emotional chaos.

[karam]

To Pocky:

In 12 days I will be back for at least a full year

 

To wtfjh?:

I understand that but i do not understand why. We trully love and are in love with each other, its the strongest I have ever felt for anyone. I feel that it is a huge loss for both of us to let this go, we have such a great time every time, we are so in love and match very well, is it not a loss not to be together? I think it is...

Yesterday night I understood a lot. the last couple of days we had little contact until yestrd afternoon when we exchanged very romantic texts etc. in the night She sent a txt saying she is not very well. I called and it was the same thing, she was having a hard time and I was not there. this has happened before though and i always made her feel well and listened to all her problems and conforted her. I did the same yestarday and everything was fine, she said how much she loves me and wants me. i told her that if she is having a hard time and not allowing me to help then what happened is only natural and I think she agreed, she said that we should have more contact and the 12 bloody days will be over very fast.

You are right about the plans, there is not a great deal of time to write a letter and send it etc, I will make plans and tell her and ask her to think about them.

As i said last night everything ended fine, thank God, I feel that when I back for good we will be together and be happy.

I have to say that I am really sorry for your relationship, why couldn't you make it work? Having been the boyfriend who is away I can feel for yours as well, was he not devastated? Did he not ask for a chance? After all you were together for a year, this is not very much but it is a good time. Did you finish it?

I understand you though, all of my friends have told me that it is the person staying behing who has it worse because as you said, they spend their time in waiting...

I really love her very very very much and want to stay with her, I feel anmd hope that at least for now I will..

 

To Dork:

Although I see where you come from and many of my friends have said the same thing, there has never been a trust issue between us, I trust her completely and i think she does as well, i would never imagine doing anything with another, I will never cheat on her, I love and respect her too much for any of that.

As I said to "wtfjh?" the reason why we almost broke up was because of the distance and her not asking for help as she did before and not keeping contact! Is this not a schoolboy LDR mistake?

 

thanks for all your answers, they are very helpfull

[wtfjh?]

Well...funny you should ask...

 

Before he went away, we had been discussing moving away out of state (a couple months after he returned). Once he went away, I didn't hear from him fo a month (he had been sending letters, just to the wrong address)- but I didn't know, so naturally, my anxiety grew and it was a horrible month for me. Then, he called me up and asked me to take time off work to come be with him. I did (which was difficult, as I, too, work a seasonal job). I had had a rough week (having just moved into a place I assumed he would be joining me in while we prepared for the trip). I drove 6 six hours to meet him. Once there, I found him right away. He was drunk, had started chewing tobacco, and immediately opened a beer and chugged it (classy, eh?). We had to wait in a bar to find out if a room came open. I was so nervous I started drinking right away. I had hit a bird on the way, my keys got locked in the car, window got broke...all within a couple hours of being there. We hardly got a moment together in all the chaos.

When we finally did sit down together (I was drunk, by then, and a nervous wreck). He told me 1) he would only be there for that night (as his boat was leaving the next morning, and 2) he did not intend to live with me once he returned. Everything went to crap from there. Of course I was disappointed and taken aback. I told him he was a commitment phobe and that perhaps it was time to move on, as I was ready to move forward. I didn't really mean it, was just drunk and disappointed and hurt. He ended up leaving me in the parking lot there...in the rain, with no place to go, drunk and crying...my car with a broken window. Didn't see him until accidentally running into him the next morning. I just wanted us to get past it. Was a bad night. Figured we would make up and move on.

 

before this, he claimed I was the love of his life, that he couldn't live without me, that I was basically his everything. Nothing had happened but what I described in this post. We were in complete bliss before he left. I totally loved him with every part of me

 

So we went and talked. He said he couldnt live with me as it was like marriage and he wasnt ready. I was ok with this, yet he wouldn't budge. It was apparent he wanted at this point (overnight, literally) to end things. He said he would never get over me...things like that. I didnt understand...overnight??? All over, just like that?

 

Then I got mad...frustrated and yelled at him and walked away (what else could I do after all that?). I left letters for him there, which he got. I apologized for all that I had said, asked for us to put the awful night behind us and move on. That I would wait for him and when he got back, we would work on things. Told him I loved him, etc. I asked him not to contact me unless to reconcile. He wrote back to confirm that it was over, although he "loved me with all his heart, body, and soul", etc. I have not heard from him since

 

I don't understand. All I can think is that he must not really have loved me as much as he said. He said I don't believe in him and that we have personality conflicts. Just doesnt make sense. Before that crazy night, everything was wonderful and we were talking about forever with each other...no personality conflicts. We are pretty much perfect for each other. I just don't get it. What happened???

[karam]

To "wtfjh?":

 

All I can say is that his behaviour the night you whent to meet him was completelly awful and inexcusable. Nobody can or should be like this to anyone, especially a girlfriend.

I hate to say this but was there any chance that he had seen someone else? Was it like him to get drunk the night of your arrival and then plan to leave the next day, after you drove for 6 hours? I wouldn't think so because who would stay with someone like that for long?

 

I am sorry, I missunderstood, I thought that he was just away and you ended it out of the blue.

But how on earth did you not find out that he had been sending you letters in the wrong address? Did you guys not talk on the phone ever? Whenever me or my girlfriend send letters we always tell each other so we always know that there is a letter on the way and we can expect it. This sounds strange... Letters are very good, I really love them but I want to listen to my woman's voice, I need it, I love listening to her.

 

I feel that he treated you awfully, however there were some definate problems that I don't understand: OK, you didn't get his letters but did you not phone to talk about your anxiety?

 

I think that sometimes when people feel certain things and don't communicate, then their thoughts spiral in negetive threads and as they continue not to communicate (as it happened with me) these threads become actual train of thought that confuse you and carry you away and you forget all about the other person, epsecially if they are far away, maybe this happened to you.

The standard advice I have for LDR is to keep very regular contact, remind each other about the great things, make plans (as you said) and elaborate on them so you have something solid to look forward to

(I did this mistake, I was away once and she was asking me for my plans and a honestly didn't have any, I wanted to rest a bit and obviously see her as much as possible. She got realy offended and sad and thought I didn't want to see her etc, which was nonsence, I just didn't have any plans, I would have a great time with her anyway, I didn't worry about plans. In the end I understood and now Iwill not make the mistake again.)

 

All I can say is that maybe you ex didn't deserve and was not ready for serious things. I hope that you have gotten over it and wish that you find a good one!

[treegirl]

Hmmm this is interesting one....

 

I once said to my boyfriend of 20 months that I didn't think I could handle the distance anymore (4 hours apart) and he was shocked.... we talked and the more I thought about it..... I knew that I would never be able to survive without him..... so I'm willing to get through this.... coz I know soon enough we'll be together forever and that'll be bliss.

 

But I'm not saying that this is the solution to your problem..... there are many different people out there and some of us can handle LDR's and some of us can't.... simple as that.

As for the way she has been acting when you go away is strange.... and then when you come back she's all madly in love with you... right? That's weird.... I don't understand that.....

 

Take it easy and I hope everything works out for you,

 

Love TreeGirl

xoxo

[treeman]

LDRs can always be hard. If you can get through them then that's great. But has my partner says they aren't for everyone. Best you can do is talk about it. If that doesn't solve anything then maybe you should have a break till you can be closer.

-Ben

[karam]

Well, the last 3 days have been important, I feel that she can easily have great variations in ups and downs... Especially if she doesn't get to see people and stays alone.

After going througha low period of about a week (when the thread started) things are great now again, the important thing I think is to keep the perspective and the focus. If not it is easier to start drifting appart.

It is important to keep remembering the great things that have happened and make solid plans for every reunion.

At the moment things are great as I said, there are now 3 more days of being apart and then I am back for good, I fell that it will be just fine, there is no reason why it shouldn't.

It is just that I am more stable emotionally than her and can deel with stress of separation better.

As I said, there are just three days to go now and things are looking fine