I ended my online affair yesterday.

[Pierre]

Thanks LG. He's finally showing his true self. And he seems angry-which is good if that's the way he deals with me walking away and not taking things further. Not good if he takes that anger and does something that will have an effect on my marriage...

 

I did a stupid thing and emailed him last night. The email just said 'i don't consider myself a wombat. I love you and that's why i'm staying away'.

Can't believe what an idiot i am. I can only hope he's blocked me completely and doesn't get it.

 

Why did you reply to the wombat comments?

 

Why are you still looking?

 

You are an addict. That is why you feel the way you do. Many affairs are just like coke addiction. The only cure is NC. Looking at stuff this loser writes is a breakage of NC and you will pay every time you break NC.

[Lillyfree]

Why did you reply to the wombat comments?

 

Why are you still looking?

 

You are an addict. That is why you feel the way you do. Many affairs are just like coke addiction. The only cure is NC. Looking at stuff this loser writes is a breakage of NC and you will pay every time you break NC.

 

i guess i looked to see that he was ok. obviously the way i felt was a lot stronger than what he was feeling, but i'm projecting. knowing that he didn't care as much as i did actually helps me feel better and will help me get over this mess sooner. now that i've had some time to think about it, him considering me just a waste of time is actually a good thing.

 

i don't know why i sent the email. this is hardly a situation in which i'm thinking rationally.

[FightClub]

Lillyfree,

 

 

We all know why you sent the e-mail, you saw an opportunity to respond to what he posted and you did, the best part is that it's over now and you know it made you feel worse.

 

So don't respond to anything that you see, it's natural to be curious and see if the time you spent communicating with someone who made you happy for a while is mentioning you or the situation, etc.

 

Now is the time to just let yourself absorb what has transpired and really focus on yourself and your family, reconnect with your spouse, find the missing pieces of yourself that you felt the exOM brought to the equation and find the solution within your thoughts.

 

It's natural to mourn the loss of a short-fantasy, I know, been there, done that and it really took me a while to honestly see what I was allowing myself to be a part of.

 

Once I saw that part of myself, I changed and I decided it was time for more out of my life than scraps.

 

Same thing applies to you, make a concrete effort to stay No Contact and it'll be tough but in the end you'll feel more resolved knowing the choices you make are for you and you alone, autonomous of anyone else.

 

If you ever need advice, just ask, everyone here will continue to give you great advice,

 

Best of luck!

 

-FC

[Lillyfree]

Thank you FC. And everyone else who gave me their opinions and advice.

Including Pierre - his tough-love approach really works

 

Something happened this morning which changed my attitude significantly. My mother forwarded the email that my 10yo son sent to her on Saturday... which said 'hi grandma, how are you? I'm not so good, Mum is crying and Dad is trying to help and I don't know what to do'

 

That was a kick in the gut. Broke my heart. And the moment I read what my son wrote it was like a wall came up between myself and OM. He became a stranger - which is what he was the whole time. And it finally hit home that I was lying to myself that what was going on only had an impact on me. That my real life and the A were completely separate.

 

I can't forgive myself for this.

And I know that my experience isn't nearly as advanced and involved as some of the other posters'...

 

But I hope that those on the verge of A, especially EA (which mine was) read about what happened to me and make a decision to turn around and run. Because even getting to this point obviously causes a lot of heartache to a lot of people. Not worth one second of 'feeling good' that an A can bring.

[Pierre]

Thank you FC. And everyone else who gave me their opinions and advice.

Including Pierre - his tough-love approach really works

 

Something happened this morning which changed my attitude significantly. My mother forwarded the email that my 10yo son sent to her on Saturday... which said 'hi grandma, how are you? I'm not so good, Mum is crying and Dad is trying to help and I don't know what to do'

 

That was a kick in the gut. Broke my heart. And the moment I read what my son wrote it was like a wall came up between myself and OM. He became a stranger - which is what he was the whole time. And it finally hit home that I was lying to myself that what was going on only had an impact on me. That my real life and the A were completely separate.

 

I can't forgive myself for this.

And I know that my experience isn't nearly as advanced and involved as some of the other posters'...

 

But I hope that those on the verge of A, especially EA (which mine was) read about what happened to me and make a decision to turn around and run. Because even getting to this point obviously causes a lot of heartache to a lot of people. Not worth one second of 'feeling good' that an A can bring.

 

Don't feel bad. The nicest people in the planet sometimes have affairs. The important thing is what you do afterwards.

 

I know this is painful, but I have to say it for the benefit of others. The kids also feel betrayed after an affair. Sometimes the kids hurt as much as the betrayed spouse.

[Lillyfree]

Don't feel bad. The nicest people in the planet sometimes have affairs. The important thing is what you do afterwards.

 

I know this is painful, but I have to say it for the benefit of others. The kids also feel betrayed after an affair. Sometimes the kids hurt as much as the betrayed spouse.

 

thanks Pierre.

I feel the 'fog' is lifting. With every day of NC the OM seems more and more distant - I'm not kidding myself, it's only been just over a week and I'm aware it's not going to just disappear overnight. However, I'm missing him less and less, and thoughts of 'wtf was I thinking' are coming into my head more and more frequently.

 

And once I'm completely over it, that's when I'm expecting to really start feeling bad. Because now I can't believe how seriously messed up I was even a couple of weeks ago.

 

Again, you people are wonderful. I would have had a really hard time going through this were it not for LS.

 

I am a fan of your approach. Sometimes a 'slap, stop being stupid' is just what a stupid person needs

[Lillyfree]

Hi all, happy holidays to those in US

 

I'm writing this so that I don't write to OM.

I had to come and re-read this thread. I thought I was progressing a little each day, then this morning I woke up with what feels like a rock in my chest.

 

what is wrong with me

I understand what's happened to me, I've read up a lot ... I know that there's no way anything would have come out of this, that it was a dead-end fantasy and nothing more. I've started a few projects with my husband (things that both of us enjoy) and focused all my attention and affection on him. And thought that it was getting better and easier.

Yet today I feel awful again :/

 

I wish I had one of those Men in Black memory-eraser things.

[Mount]

Congrats for your NC progress, so keep it up.

 

Hi all, happy holidays to those in US

 

I'm writing this so that I don't write to OM.

I had to come and re-read this thread. I thought I was progressing a little each day, then this morning I woke up with what feels like a rock in my chest.

 

what is wrong with me

I understand what's happened to me, I've read up a lot ... I know that there's no way anything would have come out of this, that it was a dead-end fantasy and nothing more. I've started a few projects with my husband (things that both of us enjoy) and focused all my attention and affection on him. And thought that it was getting better and easier.

Yet today I feel awful again :/

 

I wish I had one of those Men in Black memory-eraser things.

[Forever Learning]

Hello. I've only read your very first post on this thread, OP, and just a bit more here and there on the thread. So, this particular comment of mine - I am only commenting on the first post (I will go back and read a bit more in a bit or tomorrow) but regarding your first post -

 

you mentioned having stabbing feelings in your stomach when you think of never talking to him again-

 

I only wanted to say that so much of that is just chemicals in your brain - dopamine, oxytocin - that make 'letting go' so very, very freaking miserable!

 

 

But, once you realize that these brain chemicals are the culprits, it makes more sense out of all of it.

 

You can google "oxytocin" to learn more. All the best to you.

[Lillyfree]

Hello. I've only read your very first post on this thread, OP, and just a bit more here and there on the thread. So, this particular comment of mine - I am only commenting on the first post (I will go back and read a bit more in a bit or tomorrow) but regarding your first post -

 

you mentioned having stabbing feelings in your stomach when you think of never talking to him again-

 

I only wanted to say that so much of that is just chemicals in your brain - dopamine, oxytocin - that make 'letting go' so very, very freaking miserable!

 

 

But, once you realize that these brain chemicals are the culprits, it makes more sense out of all of it.

 

You can google "oxytocin" to learn more. All the best to you.

 

I keep repeating this to myself over and over.

Amazing how the brain can rationalise everything yet sabotage it at the same time. I feel like I'm going crazy... just want it to be over already.

 

Congrats for your NC progress, so keep it up.

 

thank you

[firstandlast]

 

I wish I had one of those Men in Black memory-eraser things.

 

If you find one, I really need to borrow it.

[veryhappy]

Kids get anxious when nobody explains what is going on. That's why your son took it upon himself to find a solution. Adults have problems all the time and you just need to give him some explanation, tell him you'll be fine and it's not his fault and nothing he can do. It's one of the cases where lying is fine.You just need to calm his fears.

 

Regarding the people who see attachments just as chemicals in the brain, how come we don't see approved attachments as such?

 

OP, just focus on reality. When you look at his actions and who the real him is, you'll adjust naturally. You don't need to wonder what your dopmine and oxytocin levels are when you think of your A. Just like you don't think of the full nutrient table for a meal when you eat.

 

It's normal to have bad days, especially in the beginning. Are you in IC? What you feel you lost has a lot to do with you, and less with the guy who was a mirage. Try to find out what you are mourning exactly.

[Lillyfree]

If you find one, I really need to borrow it.

 

if you get hold of one before me, let me know

[Lillyfree]

Kids get anxious when nobody explains what is going on. That's why your son took it upon himself to find a solution. Adults have problems all the time and you just need to give him some explanation, tell him you'll be fine and it's not his fault and nothing he can do. It's one of the cases where lying is fine.You just need to calm his fears.

 

Regarding the people who see attachments just as chemicals in the brain, how come we don't see approved attachments as such?

 

OP, just focus on reality. When you look at his actions and who the real him is, you'll adjust naturally. You don't need to wonder what your dopmine and oxytocin levels are when you think of your A. Just like you don't think of the full nutrient table for a meal when you eat.

 

It's normal to have bad days, especially in the beginning. Are you in IC? What you feel you lost has a lot to do with you, and less with the guy who was a mirage. Try to find out what you are mourning exactly.

 

i've spoken to my son, i think he's ok now. i think i'm past the weepy stage anyway, so that shouldn't happen again...

 

i'd rather think of this as a chemical thing than anything else tbh...

 

my husband and i married young, had kids young, and then seemed to just drift apart.

this guy came along and was pretty much a male me.

so i fell for him.... part of us being the same is that we are egotists - i will not deny that. i don't think i'm somehow better than him.

there are many random things we have in common, to the point where it is a bit odd. and i thought i was lucky enough to have found 'the one'.

 

stupid, right.

[Pierre]

i've spoken to my son, i think he's ok now. i think i'm past the weepy stage anyway, so that shouldn't happen again...

 

i'd rather think of this as a chemical thing than anything else tbh...

 

my husband and i married young, had kids young, and then seemed to just drift apart.

this guy came along and was pretty much a male me.

so i fell for him.... part of us being the same is that we are egotists - i will not deny that. i don't think i'm somehow better than him.

there are many random things we have in common, to the point where it is a bit odd. and i thought i was lucky enough to have found 'the one'.

 

stupid, right.

 

NC is very hard and there will be difficult days. But, then one day you are liberated and AP is nothing but a distant meaningless memory. Hermetic 100% NC is important to avoid a relapse.

[Lillyfree]

So this guy who called you a c*nt, who you knew only wanted sex, who has no problem with not being in touch with you....you keep contacting and peeking on his status and stuff?

 

Your son wrote your mother an email about the tension and sadness in his home and YOU are thinking about this piece of crap? Does your son's emotional health mean so little to you that you are willing to risk it by wanting and continuing to moon over this guy? Please stop risking your family for some loser.

 

I had a look at his status once. I emailed him once. no contact since - it's now been over 2 weeks of NC.

 

And my son's wellbeing is my utmost priority. I did however have to work out what happened, and that was a process - still is. I definitely am not 'mooning' over him - quite the contrary.

 

I will admit though, that at the start of NC it was really hard. And once I realised what was actually going on my ego was rather bruised.

Not to seem like I think too much of myself, but in comparison to him:

 

-I am much more successful in my job. We're both professionals but I'm far further along in my career, at a point that I don't think he'll reach for a very long time. I earn more than him.

-I'm physically far and above him.

-I'm healthy, work out and look after myself

-I'm (well, was, before he managed to beat me down into a miserable heap) a lot happier, more outgoing and positive person

 

So I couldn't get he could make me feel so down, worthless, hanging onto his every word. That a POS like him thought so little of me, when I'm worth so much more.I

am so angry, that anyone could have that power over me.

I'm normally an intelligent and strong person, and am furious with myself that someone, anyone, could change that.

 

I did look further however. This time, I looked to make sure that *those* pics (I know he still has them) weren't posted anywhere. I don't think he would do it, out of fear I might retaliate - however I just got paranoid one evening and had to check.

 

And oh, I stumbled upon some stuff that I really wished I knew about before. The guy was quite active on BDSM forums. And what he was writing there was confirming what some of the people here were saying about him having a hatred towards women. I felt sick reading that filth. I'm not a prude, but this stuff was concentrated misogyny. Absolutely vile.

 

On the upside though, nothing posted about me.

 

I feel so sorry for his girlfriend. I hope she realises soon what she's dealing with.

[Pierre]

I had a look at his status once. I emailed him once. no contact since - it's now been over 2 weeks of NC.

 

And my son's wellbeing is my utmost priority. I did however have to work out what happened, and that was a process - still is. I definitely am not 'mooning' over him - quite the contrary.

 

I will admit though, that at the start of NC it was really hard. And once I realised what was actually going on my ego was rather bruised.

Not to seem like I think too much of myself, but in comparison to him:

 

-I am much more successful in my job. We're both professionals but I'm far further along in my career, at a point that I don't think he'll reach for a very long time. I earn more than him.

-I'm physically far and above him.

-I'm healthy, work out and look after myself

-I'm (well, was, before he managed to beat me down into a miserable heap) a lot happier, more outgoing and positive person

So I couldn't get he could make me feel so down, worthless, hanging onto his every word. That a POS like him thought so little of me, when I'm worth so much more.I

am so angry, that anyone could have that power over me.

I'm normally an intelligent and strong person, and am furious with myself that someone, anyone, could change that.

 

I did look further however. This time, I looked to make sure that *those* pics (I know he still has them) weren't posted anywhere. I don't think he would do it, out of fear I might retaliate - however I just got paranoid one evening and had to check.

 

And oh, I stumbled upon some stuff that I really wished I knew about before. The guy was quite active on BDSM forums. And what he was writing there was confirming what some of the people here were saying about him having a hatred towards women. I felt sick reading that filth. I'm not a prude, but this stuff was concentrated misogyny. Absolutely vile.

 

On the upside though, nothing posted about me.

 

I feel so sorry for his girlfriend. I hope she realises soon what she's dealing with.

 

See bold

 

Nothing lost. It seems you had affaired down; this is common. Like I said, nothing lost.

[Lillyfree]

See bold

 

Nothing lost. It seems you had affaired down; this is common. Like I said, nothing lost.

 

Oh, I see that now. Didn't for a while, I've put him up on the pedestal and for a long time thought that he was better than me

 

Nothing lost at all. And glad it didn't go any further, I shudder at the thought. OM seems to have some serious issues, can't believe I was that blind to not see at least some of it

 

Plenty gained though. This was a huge wake-up call. Finally I'm examining what it was that made me dissatisfied in my marriage, and it isn't much at all - most of the problems my husband and I have are due to both of us withdrawing into ourselves. It's just that I've gone and taken what I was holding in outside of the marriage, while H kept withdrawing further.

I believe that marriage counselling will help with that. There is certainly more good than bad there, and it's worth working on.

[Pierre]

Oh, I see that now. Didn't for a while, I've put him up on the pedestal and for a long time thought that he was better than me

 

Nothing lost at all. And glad it didn't go any further, I shudder at the thought. OM seems to have some serious issues, can't believe I was that blind to not see at least some of it

 

 

Within the context of the affair you loved this guy. I am talking about the early phases of love which is mostly romantic. This form of love causes people to see perfection in their loved ones and ALL the defects are ignored.

 

You are NORMAL:love:.

 

Good luck:cool:

[Lillyfree]

Within the context of the affair you loved this guy. I am talking about the early phases of love which is mostly romantic. This form of love causes people to see perfection in their loved ones and ALL the defects are ignored.

 

You are NORMAL:love:.

 

Good luck:cool:

 

Thanks Pierre

[Lillyfree]

not sure if i should have started another thread in the marriage section... but will keep it all within one thread i guess.

 

it's been 4 weeks of NC. i have had a couple of bad days since i last wrote - but nothing near to the first 2 weeks - looking back i don't know how i got through them. i was quite surprised as how well i was progressing, until i realised that i started grieving a long time before i sent the NC email. and that i was unhappy throughout the EA, so not having to deal with things that mostly made me miserable and unhappy became a relief once i was able to step back and see the whole situation for what it was.

 

so, i felt that it was time to tell my husband. and i did, on friday night. we had a great evening, and talked more about our relationship. we agreed that things were better between us than they have been since the first couple of years of our marriage... i was surprised and so happy that he agreed he preferred it when we talked about our feelings (all this time i was under the impression he didn't want to).

and, i came out with it. i said to him that there is one thing i feel he needs to know if we were to start fresh and work on our relationship. that i needed a completely clean slate.

he listened... then grew quiet. said 'i don't want to talk about this now' and we went to bed.

in the morning, he turned to me and said 'i don't believe what an idiot i was. i was trying so hard to reach out to you and the whole time you were talking to him instead. you lied to me and that's what hurts the most'

i replied that i wasn't proud of what i did... but that it wasn't really me during that time, that i felt like i was going crazy. i told him exactly what i thought of him - that he was the best husband i could wish for, amazing father, a great man on his own. that the other guy, as someone willing to have an affair with a married woman and being in a relationship himself, is nothing compared to him. that i don't like and respect him any more.

he asked what his name was and where he was from. i told him. then he just said 'please don't talk to him again'. i promised i wouldn't.

 

and that was it. then things went back to normal, he was affectionate, we were joking, laughing... we put up the christmas decorations yesterday and went shopping. he hasn't mentioned it again since saturday morning.

 

is it possible that he could get over something like this so quickly?

[whichwayisup]

NO. Your H is feeling all sorts of emotions so expect a shi.t storm to hit soon.

 

Do tell him that you are going to go to counseling to help you fix what is broken inside of you. Ask him to join you in marriage counseling when he is ready.

[Pierre]

is it possible that he could get over something like this so quickly?

 

Yes!

 

However, if you had sex with MOM he would be devastated and near death.

[Lillyfree]

Yes!

 

However, if you had sex with MOM he would be devastated and near death.

 

Hi Pierre... between your reply and WWIU's....i hope that you're the one that's right

 

i have read up on the stories of people that helped me the most since i first posted here. so i know what happened with you... i guess you were in a similar situation that my H is in - yet your reaction was completely different...

 

NO. Your H is feeling all sorts of emotions so expect a shi.t storm to hit soon.

 

Do tell him that you are going to go to counseling to help you fix what is broken inside of you. Ask him to join you in marriage counseling when he is ready.

 

this is what i'm afraid of. he seems absolutely fine, even more affectionate and caring than usual... the worst thing to come out of this is for him to withdraw again. if i were in his shoes i would want to talk about it

 

i will deal with the s**tstorm and anything that comes up. i have suggested MC a while ago and he agreed - we will start after the holidays. new year, new beginnings... hopefully. IF i haven't made a mistake by telling him about the EA.