7 Signs she's still holding on?

[bpdr]

1) She keeps calling me.

2) Emails me daily

3) Say's the "Magic Words" I love you, and I miss you" every day

4) Blows up my phone with Text msg

5) Constantly mentions my obligations to others in her area?

6) Say's I "Should Fight" for her

7) Wants to explore a path forward?

 

Married to an LDR (3 years R) Now M for 1.5 yr. The pattern has been push/pull for half that time. Left her several times to avoid police involvement - and accused of "Abandonment" as the result. She accepts no boundaries - yet violates all of the rules she imposes after altercations? Very confusing. After I finally leave to avoid the patterns - she begins drawing me back with subtle niceties. Fortunately, no kids. This last time - she filed for D. I agreed, and set boundaries and terms of alimony payments and separated from her completely.

 

Now, that I am nearly three months out - and feeling better about the split, she is in heave hoe mode, in pulling me back into the cycle - and giving mixed signals about the outcome. I still care deeply about her - Love, and miss her alot. But this tug-of-war is taking it's toll on me emotionally. Being separated is one thing - not knowing whom she's hanging out with and possibly sleeping with is painstaking at best. I didn't file for the D - but I have retained an L for the proceedings, and still unsure about how to take these constant violations of NC.

 

I fear - I may become weak and give into her constant drumbeat of half want/half not source reality of what she really wants? In my heart - I want out. But, also painfully attempting to avoid the "Regret" of NOT trying my hardest to make the M work. My level best attempts to correct her aggressive behavior have only been met with more of the same result.

 

On one hand, I think MC might work long term - and perhaps even offer up some benefits for both of us, on the other hand - It is so exhausting to continue dealing with this mayhem she inflicts. As there are ALWAYS two sides to the coin, I admit that being emotionally unavailable is easy for me to do, and steps to correct that have been put into place prior to the split. My question here, is WHY is she still holding on - if she can't stand me, and I abandon the drama - Yet she is seeking to reconcile months before the D is Final?

 

What do I do?

 

Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks LS folks! I know I can count on you!

Edited November 14, 2012 by bpdr

[CptSaveAho]

Grow a pair of balls and move on?

 

She clearly has abandonment issues and its not your problem to deal with

[bpdr]

Grow a pair of balls and move on?

 

She clearly has abandonment issues and its not your problem to deal with

 

Thanks CptSaveAho!

 

Clearly - I still love her. My testacles are quite intact - and rather large I might add! ~ Just looking for insight. Thx

[CptSaveAho]

Someone with a pair of balls doesnt allow themselves to be treated like you apparently have. Are you one of those guys that believes "its not love without a restraining order"?

 

I love her? LDR, quick marriage... come on... this isn't love. No sane person in their right mind would be treated like this.

 

People that want to do NC actually do NC. They dont talk, read emails, etc from an ex.

 

6) Say's I "Should Fight" for her

- If you ever hear this line from a girl/woman, shes calling you a chump/pu55y

 

Look at how shes treating you, you feel like crap while shes at her place laughing because she has you on a string and bashes through all your boundaries

[bpdr]

Someone with a pair of balls doesnt allow themselves to be treated like you apparently have. Are you one of those guys that believes "its not love without a restraining order"?

 

I love her? LDR, quick marriage... come on... this isn't love. No sane person in their right mind would be treated like this.

 

People that want to do NC actually do NC. They dont talk, read emails, etc from an ex.

 

6) Say's I "Should Fight" for her

- If you ever hear this line from a girl/woman, shes calling you a chump/pu55y

 

Look at how shes treating you, you feel like crap while shes at her place laughing because she has you on a string and bashes through all your boundaries

 

Good point. The fog is lifting. Thanks man

[Steadfast]

This one is easy. No, make that really easy.

 

Tell her that her actions don't back up her words. Talk is cheap. You leaving is a direct result of things she both is, and is not doing. Words are empty without actions to back them up. She is what she does, not what she says.

 

No one in any relationship should expect more than they give. When that is happening, it's clear that real love isn't present. You wife wants control.

 

And that, if I were to guess, is the problem she's having. Because you love her, you've put up with an extraordinary amount of bull$hit. I'd wager she's having trouble finding willing participants to play her game. Like you did. She wants you to 'fight' for her? Against what? Reason? Sanity?

 

Please.

 

Look, it's a win-win for you. If she starts acting like someone who loves you, then you get to keep the wife you love. If she doesn't, then you have gained the vision to realize what you will, and will not tolerate in your life.

 

How many chances you give is up to you. Remember: actions, not words.

[bpdr]

This one is easy. No, make that really easy.

 

Tell her that her actions don't back up her words. Talk is cheap. You leaving is a direct result of things she both is, and is not doing. Words are empty without actions to back them up. She is what she does, not what she says.

 

No one in any relationship should expect more than they give. When that is happening, it's clear that real love isn't present. You wife wants control.

 

And that, if I were to guess, is the problem she's having. Because you love her, you've put up with an extraordinary amount of bull$hit. I'd wager she's having trouble finding willing participants to play her game. Like you did. She wants you to 'fight' for her? Against what? Reason? Sanity?

 

Please.

 

Look, it's a win-win for you. If she starts acting like someone who loves you, then you get to keep the wife you love. If she doesn't, then you have gained the vision to realize what you will, and will not tolerate in your life.

 

How many chances you give is up to you. Remember: actions, not words.

 

Thank you Steadfast. Ya know - I have thought MANY times the exact same thing, but always doubted. My affection was authentic, and always genuine and somehow behind the scenes I was watching and looking for some sort of incentive on her part to prove me wrong. It never happened, and I always wondered why. Now I know.

 

To be certain, her motives are still very unclear. But coming here gives me a sense of closure in my decision to ignore her. Her violations of NC prove the case. It's all a ploy. A game of sorts. And, I can no longer play a part.

 

A marriage to me - is for life. I value the meaning, and yes even though we only dated 2 years prior on an LDR ~ I genuinely considered her meaningful and worthy. I was sadly mistaken. Just so you all know, I have NOT responded to the emails, Texts and voicemails. NC MEANS NC and I am bound by my convictions to not engage it. My phone is my business line. My email is attached to my business web-ring, and even though I am over 200 miles away - she still enters my mind daily.

 

This too shall pass, I know.

 

THANKS FOR THE RESPONSES!! I need to hear from all of YOU!

[bpdr]

I think I recall hearing one time: "Watch what she does ~ Not what she says"

 

Can't remember who said it, just know it's profound. And VERY True.

[trippi1432]

I just have a general question(s), how long did the two of you actually live under the same roof in this very short relationship and marriage? I take it that you moved 200 miles away after she filed the D three months ago? So that would have to mean if you were LDR for 2 years, and married for 1.5 of the three year relationship but split up now for 3 months....then you only lived together for what....3 months of that relationship?

 

Sorry for the confusion, just trying to get a bigger picture here other than the general frustrations of new relationships and marriage.

[bpdr]

I just have a general question(s), how long did the two of you actually live under the same roof in this very short relationship and marriage? I take it that you moved 200 miles away after she filed the D three months ago? So that would have to mean if you were LDR for 2 years, and married for 1.5 of the three year relationship but split up now for 3 months....then you only lived together for what....3 months of that relationship?

 

Sorry for the confusion, just trying to get a bigger picture here other than the general frustrations of new relationships and marriage.

 

Hey Trippi1432, yeah I wasn't very clear on the timeline - still such a fog surrounding so many ongoing issues makes the head swim. My home was 200 miles away when we met. We dated, and I commuted much over the span of two years, living with her. I sold my home in 2010 much to my shagrin but the reasons were reinforced with mutual considerations, also my business was for all intents still located in my area - so I commuted every day for much of that time. We married around that same time, but for the previous 2 years we were living together most of the time. Even when I went back to conduct lengthy business meetings, she came with me. We were inseparable around this time.

 

After awhile, I managed to relocate much of my business - and build it up in our new town - and it worked for the most part. For a time, things were on the uptick and solid. Then came a miscarriage. Things changed dramatically after that, almost to the point of not recognizing the woman I married. Subtle changes - began to turn into flat out disruptions! Jealousy, and control issues crept in almost overnight. It was unbearable at times and I did leave intensely volatile acts of potential violence that were indeed escalating in degree and depth. I did so in part to avoid police involvement and quite frankly to restrain myself from taking matters into my own hands literally. Nothing made sense. Mood swings were daily and the abuse was intense. So, I left. Eventually - for good.

 

I hope that explains the timeline a little better. Thanks for your input.

 

B

[2sunny]

Love doesn't cause my head to swim and be completely out of balance - like you've described. Hatred makes me feel the way you describe.

 

Betraying myself or my best interest makes me feel the way you describe.

 

You describe a very unhealthy M.

 

Best to stay away from her toxic ways.

[bpdr]

Love doesn't cause my head to swim and be completely out of balance - like you've described. Hatred makes me feel the way you describe.

 

Betraying myself or my best interest makes me feel the way you describe.

 

You describe a very unhealthy M.

 

Best to stay away from her toxic ways.

 

2Sunny, I agree. There is a level of resentment for this as you might imagine. That's why the NC violations are particularly troubling. I'm not responding mind you, but I do NOT for the life of me understand WHY she persists. Amazing. Just go away - I say to her, but she won't.

 

Toxic is precisely the term I use when describing her now. But it wasn't always that way and sometimes it's hard to describe the loss of losing someone that was worthy of so many sacrifices put forth to make her happy. Now, all I want to do is RUN the other way. And - to that end...I have.

 

Only a few more months - and this nightmare is done.

[2.50 a gallon]

Am I reading the timeline correctly, in that this irrational behavior was triggered by the miscarriage?

[trippi1432]

In many relationships..it's one thing to be selfish...its horrible to put our selfishness on another person....it's even more violent to totally not care about another person as a human being and their feelings. This is what you were BOTH doing...triggers, balance...whatever, the last thing either of you thought of was how the other's feeling's were.

 

When we no longer care about someone's feelings, the relationship is pretty much over. Feelings are usually pretty toxic..I guess balance is not having them 2 Sunny?

 

The miscarriage is truly new information, but it still does not answer the question...if you could put a value on how long the two of you really got to know each other....how long?

[bpdr]

Am I reading the timeline correctly, in that this irrational behavior was triggered by the miscarriage?

 

That's a fair assessment 2.50Gallon. Logically speaking, almost from the day this happened - she went from the loving, doting, caring woman I married - to the rage filled bitch I never knew. Weird. Certainly, I cannot surmise it to be the sole purpose for her behavior, but nonetheless tends to lean in that direction. During the procedure (I was not there at the hospital) as I was working even further away from her when this happened, I returned asap in the early a.m. the next day - NEVER to live it down. Harsh and cruel tongue lashings from her and her family regarding my distance from her on business, created an element of havoc I believe was unrecoverable. They almost made it sound as if I didn't even care. Hypersensitive accusations by family didn't help much, and I did arrive (Albeit early a.m) due to the long distance drive of well over 312 miles through congested highways and interstates to get there. Wasn't good enough. I was painted in this light forever beyond. NO EXCUSE ~ so they say.

 

No doubt played a role here. Thanks for asking 2.50Gallon!

[2.50 a gallon]

bpdr

 

Just for your own understanding of what went wrong, even the most strongest marriages suffer and hardly survive the loss of a child.

 

As men, it is impossible for us to understand the stress of what a woman experiences when they lose a baby. You should understand that a lot of what she is experiencing, until she reaches out to a professional is out of her control. By that I mean her erratic behavior, her mood swings, emotional outbursts, etc, can be the result of a hormnal imbalance within her own body. In all likelihood she is just as confused about her actions as you are.

 

I would guess that is part of the reason that she is wanting to hold on to you at the same time she is pushing you away.

[ilou]

Change that phone numbah and block those emails.

[Meatballsmom]

Your wife is sure to be suffering from depression over the loss.

 

Depression is a sickness

 

"In sickness and in health"

[bpdr]

bpdr

 

Just for your own understanding of what went wrong, even the most strongest marriages suffer and hardly survive the loss of a child.

 

As men, it is impossible for us to understand the stress of what a woman experiences when they lose a baby. You should understand that a lot of what she is experiencing, until she reaches out to a professional is out of her control. By that I mean her erratic behavior, her mood swings, emotional outbursts, etc, can be the result of a hormonal imbalance within her own body. In all likelihood she is just as confused about her actions as you are.

 

I would guess that is part of the reason that she is wanting to hold on to you at the same time she is pushing you away.

 

Yes, I concur fully on this. Much of my anxiety issues also resulted as well as depression - but certainly not to the degree she experienced I am sure. I don't know what exactly I could have done differently given the circumstances of the time. Tough call there - and truth be told I hung in there to see things through for her and our marriage. Please remember that I am NOT the one that filed. She did.

 

Also, I have not been a cold hearted SOB either. I provided her with significant health coverage up to and including mental health services covered through our plan. I discussed in length about our loss, and still she continued with the incessant non-stop fighting and for a time things did seem to mellow, only to erupt in a ball of fire once again. It was horrible, and I did not enjoy watching her suffer. I wanted nothing more than to have a happy wife at home - because I instinctively knew what the rage filled one was capable of. A happy wife - is a good wife, and that is all I ever I ever wanted for her - but failed. It's an incredibly sad testimony to the love we once valued together - and a M gone so terribly wrong.

 

The NC violations on her part may be construed in two ways. A) Either she is apprehensive about moving forward with the D and is expecting me to chase her and beg her to stop the proceedings - or B) She is just playing with my mind and trying to punish me altogether. All I know, is that she used to love me tremendously, and all of that sense of love in the true meaning of the word is gone from her tone in all of the correspondence sent. It breaks my heart - to know she is in such pain over everything that has happened - and that I am completely helpless in trying to make things better for her. She depended on me more than anything, yet continuously fought harder to drive me away. It was all so unnecessary.

 

Now that she has succeeded - I really do wonder how happy she is? Any thoughts? Pray tell.

[bpdr]

So my W is now trying to get a hold of me over the death of a mutual friend? States, that I should answer my phone -- and that I need to load more money on her card because our pet animals are starving and have no food???

 

I feel there is an OM and have detached from her since October, and obviously am feeling good now about checking out of the emotional aspect of the M. She on the other hand, is prying close friends and mutual contacts of where I am and what I am doing. This offends me - because I value our mutual friends, and remain close with ALL of them. She, on the other hand has caused disruptions and blasphemed MANY of them over the years - and they know it's not me. It's her.

 

She obviously doesn't get it. She's still holding on -- and I am moving on....

 

As the D moves closer -- and the holidays approach, I am looking forward to being done with this entire mess. She is now $240 dollars over the $800 I afford her each month in Alimony, AND SHE WANTS MORE????????

 

Are you fricking KIDDING ME??

 

She's lucky I didn't disappear altogether. She's just MONEY GRUBBING now?

 

Where's the OM to help pull her ****Wagon?

 

Disappointed, broken hearted and pissed off more and more each day, I am.

 

What a fraud.

 

Should I just concede to court mediated justice? She's screwing me now.

 

What a tragedy.

[trippi1432]

Things still make little sense here bpdr, are you saying that your wife was a total angel up to the time she had a miscarriage and then went nuts and wanted a divorce because you were working miles away? Miscarriage's aren't "planned" and no one has a crystal ball to know when they might happen, so everyone's schedule certainly couldn't be made around it. If she were telling this story, what do you think she would say happened?

 

I've been left on a curb for two hours after one of these procedures and a miscarriage because my husband left the hospital during it....even I didn't go that nuts. Sounds like there were already a lot of issues before the miscarriage.

[bpdr]

Things still make little sense here bpdr, are you saying that your wife was a total angel up to the time she had a miscarriage and then went nuts and wanted a divorce because you were working miles away? Miscarriage's aren't "planned" and no one has a crystal ball to know when they might happen, so everyone's schedule certainly couldn't be made around it. If she were telling this story, what do you think she would say happened?

 

I've been left on a curb for two hours after one of these procedures and a miscarriage because my husband left the hospital during it....even I didn't go that nuts. Sounds like there were already a lot of issues before the miscarriage.

 

The miscarriage happened over three years ago, but the damage remained right up to our last argument the night we split. Like I said before, the distance of how far I was when this happened, combined with the logistics of getting to the hospital during the procedure was next to impossible without a private jet! Maybe, I should have tried that at a local airfield. Who knows?

 

If she were telling the story - I'd bet dollars to donuts she would say; "My family contacted him around 2pm and said he was on his way, and didn't show up until late late night. In the meantime - I could have bled to death"

 

In her mind - she absolutely refused to believe that I made a genuine attempt to get to the hospital sooner. End of story. She saw it that way - and NEVER once gave me any credit whatsoever. This was my baby too, and my W was hurting. I made every attempt to be at her side during this. It just didn't happen as quickly as she wanted it too. The drama it created amongst the family was enormous. I looked like a really bad man in their eyes. None of it was necessary - and in some ways irrational.

 

In some ways - I guess it just doesn't matter anymore. I just have to wait a couple more months to get beyond this tragedy. In the meantime - I just keep sending money when she asks for it. Helluva relationship we have now eh?