is it ok to still have friends from the opposite sex when engaged?

[Viv]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if the female friends are people you know from real life, or on line? I am going through a similar thing but more from your girlfriend's perspective. I was seeing a guy long distance but it is probably over now because of the insecurity I felt about some of his facebook friends.

 

They are women that he met online before I met him. The problem that I have is that he almost certainly chose to 'connect' with them because he found them attractive. Now he messages some of them on a regular basis, even though they are in different countries I find it threatening to our relationship because there can be intimacy communicating online, and I don't understand why he wants to carry on when he is in a real life relationship and he doesn't share anything with these women like an old/real friendship.

 

Maybe this is more how your girlfriend sees it? I know that I do have trust issues which have nothing to do with him, and am curious whether people think that I am being unreasonable by not liking it?

[MyPoutine]

That is a control move, if you don't mind being controlled then it's fine if you do you should talk to her about it and figure out what is the root cause of it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

IMO, of course people can have friends of the opposite sex when engaged, married, or whatever.

 

The real question you might want to explore is: how are you going to deal with a person who is this insecure and controlling?

 

You will never be able to satisfy her no matter how you isolate. I think she needs to grow up a lot before getting married. And maybe you do, too - or you would not be accepting this.

[liverpool fc]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if the female friends are people you know from real life, or on line? I am going through a similar thing but more from your girlfriend's perspective. I was seeing a guy long distance but it is probably over now because of the insecurity I felt about some of his facebook friends.

 

They are women that he met online before I met him. The problem that I have is that he almost certainly chose to 'connect' with them because he found them attractive. Now he messages some of them on a regular basis, even though they are in different countries I find it threatening to our relationship because there can be intimacy communicating online, and I don't understand why he wants to carry on when he is in a real life relationship and he doesn't share anything with these women like an old/real friendship.

 

Maybe this is more how your girlfriend sees it? I know that I do have trust issues which have nothing to do with him, and am curious whether people think that I am being unreasonable by not liking it?

 

 

some of them are online and some i have met before eg old high school friends and someone who goes to my course but in a different campus who i have worked with before my girl. the online ones live in a different state just as my girl does, i gave her my password hoping to show her she has nothing to be worried about and i gave her a detailed explanation on all of them and i let all the friends who are girls know all about my girl and they were all supportive/happy for us both. both my girl and me have added people in the past who we deemed 'attractive' and we both dont talk to them at all but its just general friends we had before we started going out thats the issue.

 

i hope things work out for you in some way and you are feeling happy at whatever happens

[liverpool fc]

Don't be sorry, it happened and I'm moving on. There's no overnight fix, sometimes something will happen to spark a feeling or a memory. I just remember who I am with now and how different he is to my ex. I won't let it paralyze me from living and loving again. It doesn't happen as often anymore and my self esteem is almost back to where it was before. But even at my lowest, I wouldn't do what your fiance did... And I felt I had issues to sort out. But, I didn't rely on anyone to help me with it. Your internal worth is something you dictate for yourself.

 

She has to be mature enough to know that jealousy is a stem of insecurity and low self esteem. If she loved herself the way you loved her, she wouldn't feel that way.

 

 

that is really good to hear,there is always hope and great positive things will happen in the future for you. hopefully nothing like what you experienced never happens again

 

good point, we both have had issues when we were younger but i feel over them now but i think she isnt fully yet which could have a bit with having confidence in other people

[Troubled1]

Where I come from, men and women (ages 18 to 25), good friends, would have sleepovers and not care who shared the blanket with whom;

.

 

Is this common among other people or just this guy? I would be very jealous if my guy spent the night at a coed party, especially if he "shared a blanket" with another girl.

 

Does it change anything if, say, the guy spent the night with his ex GF?

[justwhoiam]

a few months ago my fiance cleared out every single girl on my fb apart from her and family as it made her jealous

So, she entered your fb and started deleting here and there without even asking you? This sounds quite aggressive of her.

 

a few months before that she did a twitter cleanout of who i was following which she again got rid of all the girls including ones i would occasionly talk to and had known for a bit

She's obviously trying to protect your (her) relationship. It's the "how" that is not OK. So what was your reaction to all this? I understand it was not such a big deal to you, but going on, this kind of behavior from her can really raise tension and extend to other areas of your life. So you should have told her: "I understand your concerns. I gave you total access to all my accounts, but please do not mess with them this way. Instead, talk to me and tell me what bothers you or what your concerns are, and I will delete contacts myself for you, if necessary." You need to have a backbone. And she should respect you. Just let her know you're not OK with her messing with your accounts. That's all you have to do. She will understand and will adjust her ways. If she doesn't, she really has issues and needs serious help. But as I see it, it's just that you've always been OK with it and she felt she had a right to do "what's best" or in the best interest for your relationship.

 

I have read the other posts in here so far very quickly. I too can access all his accounts: fb, linkedin, itunes, iphone, work email, personal email...

 

I would never ever mess with them, because it's a precious gift to me, it's his way to show me he trusts me like his own self. Accessing his iphone can be really useful when we can't talk directly, I can log in in his iphone and see where he is. It even happened that Skype was not working or texts couldn't go through, but that way I knew where he was. It's not something I do that often. It happens I don't log in for a month, and then maybe I need it because we cannot get in touch for any reason (if he travels and time zone difference gets worse, etc.)

 

Anyway, in his iPhone he had one contact that sort of bothered me. Some girl he got intimate with in the past. To me, it looked like he wanted to keep a memory of her. He told me I could delete it if I wanted, because he didn't care. But I didn't. I thought if he really didn't care, that name had no reason to remain in there. After a while he deleted it.

[aMguilts]

There`s an elephant in the room

 

aM

[aMguilts]

So, she entered your fb and started deleting here and there without even asking you? This sounds quite aggressive of her.

 

 

She's obviously trying to protect your (her) relationship. It's the "how" that is not OK. So what was your reaction to all this? I understand it was not such a big deal to you, but going on, this kind of behavior from her can really raise tension and extend to other areas of your life. So you should have told her: "I understand your concerns. I gave you total access to all my accounts, but please do not mess with them this way. Instead, talk to me and tell me what bothers you or what your concerns are, and I will delete contacts myself for you, if necessary." You need to have a backbone. And she should respect you. Just let her know you're not OK with her messing with your accounts. That's all you have to do. She will understand and will adjust her ways. If she doesn't, she really has issues and needs serious help. But as I see it, it's just that you've always been OK with it and she felt she had a right to do "what's best" or in the best interest for your relationship.

 

I have read the other posts in here so far very quickly. I too can access all his accounts: fb, linkedin, itunes, iphone, work email, personal email...

 

I would never ever mess with them, because it's a precious gift to me, it's his way to show me he trusts me like his own self. Accessing his iphone can be really useful when we can't talk directly, I can log in in his iphone and see where he is. It even happened that Skype was not working or texts couldn't go through, but that way I knew where he was. It's not something I do that often. It happens I don't log in for a month, and then maybe I need it because we cannot get in touch for any reason (if he travels and time zone difference gets worse, etc.)

 

Anyway, in his iPhone he had one contact that sort of bothered me. Some girl he got intimate with in the past. To me, it looked like he wanted to keep a memory of her. He told me I could delete it if I wanted, because he didn't care. But I didn't. I thought if he really didn't care, that name had no reason to remain in there. After a while he deleted it.

 

 

gonna marry him?

[justwhoiam]

gonna marry him?

I hope so.

[aMguilts]

I hope so.

 

 

me too.

hope it turns out ok for you

aM

Edited December 1, 2012 by aMguilts

[justwhoiam]

me too.

hope it turns out ok for you

aM

You're being cryptic. What are you trying to say? I haven't logged into his work email in 6 months, personal email in 3 months I guess. I now and then (like once in two weeks) log into his fb because I don't have fb and his account is not public. iTunes is great because we can share music through the icloud.

[aMguilts]

You're being cryptic. What are you trying to say? I haven't logged into his work email in 6 months, personal email in 3 months I guess. I now and then (like once in two weeks) log into his fb because I don't have fb and his account is not public. iTunes is great because we can share music through the icloud.

 

see? even someone you dont know says something and you get on the defensive

 

aM

[justwhoiam]

see? even someone you dont know says something and you get on the defensive

I obviously asked because I don't like half comments. I'm just curious. Not on the defensive, I was sharing a few other details because I guess I didn't say much about me. I never do in general.