Tempted by other women, but I could never act

[MusicGuy]

I've been with my girlfriend now for about a year and a half. We are both college educated, and we share many of the same interests. We both share a similar pessimistic view about the government, economics, and so on, and I always thought it would be impossible to find a girl who matches my personality this well until we started dating. Our relationship is great, and there's nothing causing any turbulence.

 

That said, I still can't help but get incredibly turned on when I see a couple of my ex-girlfriend/flings from high school on my facebook.They are absolutely gorgeous! The one I like the most (my high-school girlfriend) fits the description of a perfect looking girl for me (brown eyes, thin, tall), and the other girl (the fling) is just as cute (blonde instead) and she gave me the best foreplay I've had in my life! Unfortunately for me, I never actually "did the deed" with either of these girls at the time we dated... just everything else. And the only reason I had stopped seeing these girls was because of location (i.e. moving to a new town). However, there are a number of reasons why I don't think it could ever work with either of these girls:

 

1.) Neither of them very bright. I honestly don't think I could ever get into a serious relationship with them. They listen to country music and like big pickup trucks, cheap beer, and that kind of thing. Plus their friends seem even worse. There's almost no way I could talk politics or anything like that with them.

 

2.) One of them has a kid. She got knocked up less than a year after we broke up in high school.

 

3.) I currently live in Asia with my current girlfriend, and I'll be here until at least next summer. They live at home in the USA.

 

Ultimately, I'm super happy with my current girlfriend. I genuinely think we could even get married one day. I just don't know how I can overcome this lust for the girls in my past. They are the two main finishers in my "spank bank", but there's so much going against them that I could never seriously consider dating them again. Is anyone out there currently dating or married to a girl who's totally compatible to you, yet still has desires for past girlfriends? Has anyone found a way to overcome this feeling? Have any guys gone rouge and left a girlfriend they were totally happy with just to sleep around, even knowing that not much would ultimately come of it?

 

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for advice as to whether I should stay with my current girlfriend or not. I definitely do, so that's not even a question. I just want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and what ultimately came of it.

[mammasita]

No advice really, but my theory has always been that men will always be attracted to other women and want to try out some "strange", a REAL man will never act on those desires.

 

You sound very intelligent and committed to your girlfriend, thats a good thing.

 

Good luck to you.

[CarrieT]

I genuinely think we could even get married one day. I just don't know how I can overcome this lust for the girls in my past.

These two statements are incredibly telling.

 

First - and the fact that the objects of your lust are from your high school years which tells me you are still very young; perhaps in your early 20s?

 

For starters, you are YEARS away from being in a state where you should consider marriage. Theoretically, when you are mature enough to want to consider marriage, you won't even have the worries about lusting over girls in your past.

 

Right now, you aren't sure you can "overcome this lust" which speaks to your youth. Whatever you do, wait for marriage until you are closer to your 30s and I can GUARANTEE that girls from high school will barely be on your radar.

[MrVegas]

It sounds like you have a pretty level head on your shoulder, and have a bright future ahead of you. (I also think you sound young)

 

While I am sure there are many people in similar situations as yours, I'll stick to my similar yet completely different situation based experience.

 

It seems you and your girlfriend are great together and really complement each other, which might be what this is all about. She is similar in tastes, knowledge and desires. These other girls are polar opposites. And, since it sounds like trading down if you went to one, there is a hint of taboo there too.

 

They are everything your girlfriend is not. You know there would be conflict, and it's exciting. They are young and attractive, and you almost went all the way. Plus they are halfway across the world. I would be surprised if you came here to tell us they weren't running across your mind (or the second, smaller, more destructive mind we men have)

 

Leave them in the spank bank and maybe see if there is a reason you have wandering thoughts, maybe just need to add another bit of flair and excitement with your current girl.

[Negative Nancy]

This thread is making me sick and just confirms all my suspiscions about men once again. No man can ever be completely satisfied or happy with one woman, it's always lusting after other women. You should tell your girlfriend so she can make a decision if she wants to stay with someone who secretly wants to bang two old high school flames If I had that information, I would drop you like a hot potato, I couldn't be with someone who wants other women, and since it is confirmed once again that all men think like this, it's better to stay alone.

 

People get on my case for being so radical and already considering "mental cheating" as bad, claiming that I am "controlling" and "insecure" but what they fail to understand is that I simply am an advocate of "nip it in the bud" - because cheating ALWAYS starts with lusting after another person. So if a person has sexual thoughts about someone besides their partner, it's a bad sign for the relationship and might lead to cheating in the long run, so it's better to end it right there and then.

 

 

The one I like the most ... fits the description of a perfect looking girl for me (brown eyes, thin, tall)

 

We are both college educated

 

We both share a similar pessimistic view about the government

 

I always thought it would be impossible to find a girl who matches my personality this well

 

You sound like someone I know :sick:

Edited November 14, 2012 by Negative Nancy

[mammasita]

People get on my case for being so radical and already considering "mental cheating" as bad, claiming that I am "controlling" and "insecure" but what they fail to understand is that I simply am an advocate of "nip it in the bud" - because cheating ALWAYS starts with lusting after another person. So if a person has sexual thoughts about someone besides their partner, it's a bad sign for the relationship and might lead to cheating in the long run, so it's better to end it right there and then.

Definitely a bit radical and extreme to say the least.

 

Did you read what I posted above?

 

men will always be attracted to other women and want to try out some "strange", a REAL man will never act on those desires.

 

Show me a man who NEVER lusts after another woman even when they are in a committed relationship, and I'll show you the love child of Spongebob and Betty Boop.

[VeveCakes]

I just LOL'd at your comment on how they are not very bright because they are country girls. Country music, camo, beer, bonfires, big trucks is a culture that some people really love. You sound so condescending about this.

 

Many country girls are highly intelligent, it's just a different lifestyle. You can surely discuss politics with a lot of them. Those exs sound like fun loving free spirits to me, that would never be able to truly appreciate anyways.

[Negative Nancy]

Show me a man who NEVER lusts after another woman even when they are in a committed relationship, and I'll show you the love child of Spongebob and Betty Boop.

 

That's why it's better to stay single.

 

It also proves that women are the more loyal gender, and that being loyal in the most literal way isn't even rewarded or reciprocated.

[MrVegas]

That's why it's better to stay single.

 

It also proves that women are the more loyal gender, and that being loyal in the most literal way isn't even rewarded or reciprocated.

 

Wow? Rawr! I am literally angry and stunned at the same time. Angrymazed maybe?

 

Nancy, your name is very insightful, and that is all of the post that i feel is. Boiling it down to men are perverts/women are saints is really the lowest common denominator here. I personally know woman who you couldn't call loyal even if that was their name, and men who would never cheat under any circumstance.

 

There is a huge difference between some naughty thoughts and naughty actions. Whether man or woman, anyone can feel that lust for the unknown. As an earlier poster said, a REAL man doesn't go further than that ( i think it can be inferred they share the same view about a REAL woman too).

 

The OP is trying to sort through this, i doubt making it a gender issue is helpful to him or anyone. If we are to believe that you can only get turned on by the one you love, then what happens when we meet someone who gets the engine hot, guess we must love them too, time to end our relationship because it must not be love then.

 

HuRawrrrr!!!

 

sorry, needed to get that out of my system

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like you have more of a psychological infatuation more so than just simply lusting other women based on what you said.

 

Both of these women are from your past, and both of these women you did not do the "deed" with, therefore you've built this up to some passed missed opportunity that would have been great, and if you could go back in time you'd nail both just for the satisfaction. I think that's what you're looking for, a few more notches on the ole belt as well as being able to say to yourself "I've slept with these gorgeous women, yeah I did!".

 

You have to take yourself out of that fantasy though and realize what the current present situation has to offer and where you are at now. The past isn't the same as the present, things change, women change, their interest may have changed, maybe not, they might not be the same people you last saw if this was over a number of years. So your expectations and fantasies may be a little warped, as for many inexperienced guys they tend to be.

 

Right now you are currently with someone who is seemingly just about the perfect person you could ask for...at least on paper. What you really need to do however is search your feelings, because it doesn't really sound like you are really in love with her, it just seems like you probably love her and care about her (I'm assuming since you completely left out your emotions for her which is a big question mark)but you're doing a little too much packaging of your nice little relationship without mentioning any of the important things.

 

You see what makes one girl different from another is not how much in common you have with her, or how you relate, or whether she is necessarily the hottest piece of @ss you can get...it's about the connection, it's about the true intimacy and emotional bond you can create with her...that's what keeps you engrained in one woman, even if you have these fantasies of other naked women, that's part of being a man...porn doesn't exist because nobody looks like it, lots of guys do, many in relationships and many who are married...but that's part of the deal of being a man, man doesn't choose to be that way.

 

However with that being said, you have to be in a place in your life and satisfied with our experiences in your love life in order to make a determination of who you feel is someone you want to be with without question. You'll be able to see things from another perspective, right now it's all about these possibilities and opportunities and for some men, because they are truly afraid to put any of their true selves in relationships they keep women at an arms distance and never choose to give it all to one woman. Basically you get out of relationships what you give, the question is how much do you have to give....how much do you want to give...you see the majority of women invest 100 percent, which is why they experience the entirety of the emotion, men taper off here and there picking and choosing, sometimes investing 20 percent here with that one, 50 percent with the other one, and maybe 80 percent if they're really into the girl but for a man to give 100 percent he's got to be motivated by his own will, not by a woman...and no woman can be perfect enough to allow that man to do that....although many valiantly try...and fail, even when they "succeed".

 

Bottom line is, you don't know what you have now because you haven't experienced enough without it and you don't know what it is because you don't have enough experiences to compare it to. You're not ready for this relationship, your emotions aren't there, you're blinding and compelled by your infatuations and unless you can come to peace with those things and move on from them and realize them for what they really are, then you won't be able to invest your true self in your currently relationship.

 

So if you can't truly invest yourself, then it's better to move on...don't be selfish and afraid to leave a woman because you don't know if you can do any better, if you have the balls the to think you can get together with these beautiful women then have the balls to walk away from the current woman in your life and find out. And don't do anything for her sake or because of how she will feel, she will be heartbroken, the majority of women are when you leave them...but you'd be doing them a disservice more by staying than leaving IMO...and that's something we have to face as men, not cowards.

 

I may have went overboard with this reply, and delved into a bit too much but I'm trying to save you from making bad decisions and hurting this current woman you are with. Really think about what you want, not just what you think you want and need mentally, think emotionally and of yourself as a man. Sow those wild oats if you need to, but don't hold it against your current partner or let it be a reason to be distracted from where you are currently invest....a relationship, let that mean something to you, not by principles and just standards, but emotions and desires.

 

And If you're still asking if you could get "rid of these feelings", then you just missed the whole point.

[MusicGuy]

I appreciate all of the comments. That said, I think my original post may have been unclear. It's not like I'm constantly fantasizing about other women. This was never meant to be an "I don't know if I should stay with my girlfriend or not, oh gosh please help me," kind of post. I am sincerely committed to this girl, and there's no question in my mind about this. I think that's why it bothers me so much that I still find myself occasionally distracted by these other women. If I didn't care about my girlfriend, I doubt that I'd be bothered by this. In reality, this whole thing is something I only think about maybe once or twice a week tops.

 

I think MrVegas hit the nail on the head. Time will tell. And it would definitely be a "trade down" to leave what I have for either of these girls. I know that. That's why I never pursued them when I was single. The cons definitely outweigh the pros (e.g. one has a kid, their redneck friends, immature attitudes, etc). My brain and my heart are 100% committed to my current girlfriend. It's my other organ that still sometimes feels otherwise. And I hate it, but I can't just will that away. When one of these girls posts a picture of themselves in a tight little dress, for example, I can't help that my heart starts racing a little. And I wish it didn't. But the primal reptilian mind deep within my brain finds itself at odds with my normal, everyday judgement - even if it's just for a few minutes. And I think living and also working with my girlfriend in a foreign country may be compounding this feeling too. Back home, if I saw a really cute girl, I'd be able to tell that she wasn't for me, or I could go talk with friends and just play it off. But now it's just her and me. In any case, I find it difficult to believe that other guys don't deal with this as well. I honestly think it's something that most men experience but never talk about.

 

As for some of the other replies, I definitely disagree with Negative Nancy. It sounds like you had an ex that left you for some dumb bimbo, and you're still mad about that. And understandably so. But you shouldn't generalize. I know plenty of guys who would never cheat and who are just waiting for the right girl to come along. However, it's also these same guys that end up getting taken advantage of by the female "players" out there. So it definitely goes both ways. Also, I think it's naive to think there should be all these Prince Charming guys out there who never have any suggestive thoughts. I bet you could ask any guy who he thinks of when he's touching himself, and he will never say it's his girlfriend/wife. It's the sad and unfortunate dilemma of being a man. And that's why I'm even on here in the first place. I want to try to understand how other men deal with this.

 

I also have to disagree with ninjainpajamas. I would have never moved to Asia with my girlfriend for a year if I had serious doubts about my relationship. And even if I wanted to leave her, I couldn't because we're committed to staying here together until next summer. So leaving her, which I have no desire to do, would be an awful idea anyway because I really couldn't. But like I've said, this isn't anything I'm traumatized over. And again, maybe I should have made that more clear in my original post. When I get sidetracked by old flames, it really only happens every now and then. If you're suggesting that I should break up with every girlfriend I'm with because I occasionally think of other girls, I don't think I could ever have a relationship. Most guys couldn't. A guy would start going steady with his girlfriend, hanging out all the time, and then by chance find himself alone with a little "hello" from downstairs, start rubbing one out, randomly think of some other girl, and then he'd have to break up with his current girlfriend. I really don't think it works that way.

 

Lastly... Vevecakes, I understand your point. Of course there are smart country girls who end up becoming doctors, lawyers, and so forth. But I still think there's more to being a country girl than just being part of a different culture as you suggest. If you're into big trucks, then you're probably not worried about fossil fuel depletion, air pollution, urban sprawl, or conspiracies among automakers. If you're into cheap beer, then you're probably not thinking about the monopoly Miller, Bud, and Coors have over beer in America, and you're probably not concerned about the impact this has on workers and small businesses. And if you're into country music, you probably haven't considered the political messages inserted behind many country songs, the record labels that dominate the music industry, the selective imagery used in music videos, the monopolization of the airwaves, or the fact that most country stars were never trained as musicians but rather actors.

 

Yet all of these things I can easily talk about with my girlfriend. We watch documentary films all the time, and I love it when she'll say something like, "Hey, can we watch a movie about the Chinese housing bubble tonight?" It's fantastic!! This is why I'm so bothered by the fact that a guy like me still has these juvenile thoughts loitering around in my brain. I wanted to see how other guys handle this, so I wrote a post on the internet. I'm still open to more ideas. Just please try to keep it focused on analyzing why men think this way. I don't want this to turn into another "should I stay or should I go" kind of thread, because that's not the real issue.

Edited November 15, 2012 by MusicGuy

[kookybunny]

Why are these chicks on your Facebook anyway? You can obviously never actually be "friends", so why are you keeping them front and center? How would you feel if your girl had some hot guy with six pack abs she once messed around with on her Facebook and was constantly mooning over his shirtless mirror shots. Pretty pathetic. Delete them. Grow up. Learn to move on.

And do not get married any time soon.

[Negative Nancy]

Why are these chicks on your Facebook anyway? You can obviously never actually be "friends", so why are you keeping them front and center? How would you feel if your girl had some hot guy with six pack abs she once messed around with on her Facebook and was constantly mooning over his shirtless mirror shots. Pretty pathetic. Delete them. Grow up. Learn to move on.

And do not get married any time soon.

 

 

Very good reply.

[dasein]

What you are feeling is completely natural OP. And the way to beat it is to apply the old Amerind proverb paraphrased, "Every person has two wolves inside, good and bad. In time they become whichever wolf they feed the most." Remove the stimulus if you feel it unduly influencing your emotions in the moment.

 

Honest women will also admit they have the exact same kinds of feelings you express, so discount any male bashing you see in the thread. It's natural human nature to wonder about and fantasize about past relationships and encounters, even while involved in a happy relationship.

[Leigh 87]

I talked to my own boyfriend about this. Just to give you more feedback besides my own view...

 

My bf says he gets turned on by random girls that are super hot, rather than girls he already knows; I would be upset if he lusted after former flames he had already had sex with.

 

As far as the thought process goes; he says he just sees the girls walk past, looks at them, gets turned on by how they look, but that is about it. Nothing to feel bad about or come and post about on some website.

 

I am worried about the fact you think about your former flames. I dont know why, but if it were a random girl that you were turned on by in passing, I would be fine with it, but I would not feel comfortable in your girlfriends position, seeing as you think about your ex flings repeatedly.

 

 

 

 

It is normal to think about other girls; I guess some men think about exes, when others don't (and think about new randoms they come across)