Does poor communication mean we are doomed?

[saltygirl01]

Hi All,

 

I am new to this and will keep as brief as possible.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. In the beginning, as most couples do, we felt like we talked all the time and had great communication. Well, it turns out we don't whatsoever.

 

The last 3 months have been very stressful. We were given extremely short notice to move out of our rental, we moved in with his parents for about a month and a half and in the same time, we have been working full time and he bought a new house. I was also diagnosed with a possible serious thyroid condition and having a biopsy to rule out cancer. Plus, every weekend has been spent renovating and working on the home - talk about stress!

 

This past Saturday was our first official night in the home and it ended up in a disastrous fight. We have been bottling up many emotions over the last month or so and had been slightly bickering at each other throughout the day. Friends came by in the evening which turned into a party - and we all had entirely too much to drink. Once we were completely intoxicated, somehow we picked a fight with each other which got pretty nasty with yelling and etc - me threatening to leave, etc. It was really dysfunctional (at least I think so) no hitting or domestic stuff - just a lot of yelling and etc.

 

Well anyway, we spent a long time talking and identifying issues within ourselves - my lack of communication, his lack of communication. His wall he's kept up with feelings sometimes for fear we will turn out like his last relationship, in which she cheated and left him for another man. My expectation that certain things about him will just change (you can't change people) etc etc. We both involved family which we know seriously regret - and both our families say they should not have been involved, etc. We have been making great strides in communicating, which almost feels awkward these past 2 days - we are having ourselves to say things that we normally wouldn't say, like for example, one thing he said was, "the reason I get so mad when you owe money for something is because we made the decision to buy that together and you committed to paying the bill. when you flake out, i feel like its disrespectful and you don't care for our finances and makes me worry for the future" (A large furniture bill) Whereas in my head, I always give him the money, but I am flakey and forget, or figure it doesn't matter if he just pays it up front, I'll pay him back. and I never thought of it in that way...

 

Long story short, Now I am unsure of what to do. Not in my heart, or my gut, but I have had so many outside opinions that I keep thinking and re-thinking our situation. If left alone, I feel very clear-headed but now I am starting to get clouded with doubt. The last thing I heard that has stuck in my head is "if you're having trouble communicating now, you will never communicate in a marriage"

 

Is that true? Should I even be thinking this far? I have also been told only I will know whats best for me and he will know whats best for him - so how come I am getting caught up in outside opinions?

 

Blah, I would appreciate some insight. Oh yes, and I am 29, he is 30.

[Balzac]

Honestly, communication is too simple a word. Effective, responsible communication styles are one thing. Many individuals practice non effective, manipulative, hurtful communication style.

 

 

In general effective communication statements begin with "I".

Once blame enters the discussion it's into the realm of non effective communication.

 

It's difficult for LS posters to answer you absent more specific examples.

 

Congrats on the new house. Why your mention of "he" bought the house?

[saltygirl01]

Hi and thank you for the response!

 

I mention he bought the house because we are not married or engaged and I did not purchase the house with him, monetarily speaking. I also have not invested money into this home, only small things, some paint, some decor, etc. he has made all the big purchases and he also used inheritance and some money was also given by family - which is being paid back in terms of a mortgage type situation, monthly rent payment. My name is not on the bills of the home, so I am used to saying he bought the house to set the record straight for anyone who asks or assumes we bought it together. I am contributing to bills and rent.

 

what other specific examples are you looking for? I am happy to provide By means of arguments? Past situations or communication type things?

[saltygirl01]

Honestly, communication is too simple a word. Effective, responsible communication styles are one thing. Many individuals practice non effective, manipulative, hurtful communication style.

 

 

In general effective communication statements begin with "I".

Once blame enters the discussion it's into the realm of non effective communication.

 

 

I also agree that neither of us have utilized I situations - we also don't say how we feel. I knew that the money thing bothered him but I assumed he was being a jerk - I never knew WHY it bothered him and how he was looking out for our future.

 

Does that help?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi All,

 

I am new to this and will keep as brief as possible.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. In the beginning, as most couples do, we felt like we talked all the time and had great communication. Well, it turns out we don't whatsoever.

 

The last 3 months have been very stressful. We were given extremely short notice to move out of our rental, we moved in with his parents for about a month and a half and in the same time, we have been working full time and he bought a new house. I was also diagnosed with a possible serious thyroid condition and having a biopsy to rule out cancer. Plus, every weekend has been spent renovating and working on the home - talk about stress!

 

This past Saturday was our first official night in the home and it ended up in a disastrous fight. We have been bottling up many emotions over the last month or so and had been slightly bickering at each other throughout the day. Friends came by in the evening which turned into a party - and we all had entirely too much to drink. Once we were completely intoxicated, somehow we picked a fight with each other which got pretty nasty with yelling and etc - me threatening to leave, etc. It was really dysfunctional (at least I think so) no hitting or domestic stuff - just a lot of yelling and etc.

 

Well anyway, we spent a long time talking and identifying issues within ourselves - my lack of communication, his lack of communication. His wall he's kept up with feelings sometimes for fear we will turn out like his last relationship, in which she cheated and left him for another man. My expectation that certain things about him will just change (you can't change people) etc etc. We both involved family which we know seriously regret - and both our families say they should not have been involved, etc. We have been making great strides in communicating, which almost feels awkward these past 2 days - we are having ourselves to say things that we normally wouldn't say, like for example, one thing he said was, "the reason I get so mad when you owe money for something is because we made the decision to buy that together and you committed to paying the bill. when you flake out, i feel like its disrespectful and you don't care for our finances and makes me worry for the future" (A large furniture bill) Whereas in my head, I always give him the money, but I am flakey and forget, or figure it doesn't matter if he just pays it up front, I'll pay him back. and I never thought of it in that way...

 

Long story short, Now I am unsure of what to do. Not in my heart, or my gut, but I have had so many outside opinions that I keep thinking and re-thinking our situation. If left alone, I feel very clear-headed but now I am starting to get clouded with doubt. The last thing I heard that has stuck in my head is "if you're having trouble communicating now, you will never communicate in a marriage"

 

Is that true? Should I even be thinking this far? I have also been told only I will know whats best for me and he will know whats best for him - so how come I am getting caught up in outside opinions?

 

Blah, I would appreciate some insight. Oh yes, and I am 29, he is 30.

 

I'm strongly of the belief that the various circumstances which led up to your battle/blow-up mitigate the conclusion you're trying to draw.

 

Indeed it is ideal and important to evolve toward some of the communication you've been sharing in the last two days, and I think all you need to gain from the recent experiences is the reminder to put forth the effort to do just that. Sometimes that involves one of you putting yourself in the vulnerable position to take the risk that is having the other (react spontaneously and quickly while wounding your feelings) (of course that isn't the desired outcome - yet it's what you have to risk every day or two in the interest of ideal communication).

 

Hope this makes sense.

[saltygirl01]

Thank you, that makes perfect sense. I guess I have noticed I have harbored some anger that I didn't know was there - and my other question is, is this common of someone who has not released anything before by means of communicating what is on my mind? I guess this sounds like a lightbulb moment or a DUH of course it is moment - but I never thought I could be actually mad at my boyfriend. I love him dearly and all this time I have just "gotten over" little things here and there until now I am really, really pissed.

 

I am just worried that we are doomed because of how angry I think I have become situations, life, stress and little things between us. Although, I'd like to think (like you said) with the ideal communication and WORK, this anger will subside?

[Tara247]

Yes, it does mean your relationship is doomed. You need to go to couple's counseling to get this worked out, or yours will be a very toxic and contentious relationship for however long it lasts.

[carhill]

Stress and life challenges either bring a couple together or tear them apart. You have choices and have zero control over him. Make choices that respect your style and relationship goals. If that includes him, then it does. If not, not.

 

When was your last 'date'? More choices. Good luck.

[saltygirl01]

Stress and life challenges either bring a couple together or tear them apart. You have choices and have zero control over him. Make choices that respect your style and relationship goals. If that includes him, then it does. If not, not.

 

When was your last 'date'? More choices. Good luck.

 

 

Thank you - our last date was quite some time ago - over a month. our life has been consumed with health stress, family stress, money and home stress. I think we need some date time ASAP and so does he, as he has mentioned it a few times the last few days.

 

We have been putting in some considerable work these past few days and we both have noticed the difference. small and big things and we both have been saying we have noticed.

 

thank you, i appreciate your response.

[saltygirl01]

Yes, it does mean your relationship is doomed. You need to go to couple's counseling to get this worked out, or yours will be a very toxic and contentious relationship for however long it lasts.

 

I understand this perspective too - we have considered that route, but I wanted to see what others thought as well.

 

I am a firm believer that when given the right tools, the job can get done. its just up to both people to put in the work. I don't personally feel that going to see a counselor is necessarily the right tool, but perhaps some awareness on the situation/past situations.

 

But I am always open to thoughts and suggestions.

 

Thank you for your response too and your opinion!

[Mr. Lucky]

Once we were completely intoxicated, somehow we picked a fight with each other which got pretty nasty with yelling and etc - me threatening to leave, etc. It was really dysfunctional (at least I think so) no hitting or domestic stuff - just a lot of yelling and etc.

Things said while drunk don't qualify as communication ...

I mention he bought the house because we are not married or engaged and I did not purchase the house with him, monetarily speaking. I also have not invested money into this home, only small things, some paint, some decor, etc. he has made all the big purchases and he also used inheritance and some money was also given by family - which is being paid back in terms of a mortgage type situation, monthly rent payment. My name is not on the bills of the home, so I am used to saying he bought the house to set the record straight for anyone who asks or assumes we bought it together.

However, this post does communicate. You seem like a reluctant participant in things having to do with the house. Is there an issue there?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Thank you, that makes perfect sense. I guess I have noticed I have harbored some anger that I didn't know was there - and my other question is, is this common of someone who has not released anything before by means of communicating what is on my mind? I guess this sounds like a lightbulb moment or a DUH of course it is moment - but I never thought I could be actually mad at my boyfriend. I love him dearly and all this time I have just "gotten over" little things here and there until now I am really, really pissed.

 

I am just worried that we are doomed because of how angry I think I have become situations, life, stress and little things between us. Although, I'd like to think (like you said) with the ideal communication and WORK, this anger will subside?

 

 

 

I think that the signal you're supposed to feel, is that while it is so easy to keep heaping and heaping more and more on the fire, upping the ante along the way, the best course of action for the good of you, him, AND the relationship, is to often find the point at which you can most-easily (er, "least UNcomfortably" ???) put yourself "out there" (perhaps in explaining your position in a sincere, calm, and CLEAR way, while resisting the one-upmanship that is your instinct to think of something to bring up that might reeeeeeeeeeeeally hurt him more than he JUST hurt you).

 

It really IS 'tricky' to stop the bus at those 'stops'... but they are there, and you can do so. Yet, near the beginning of relationships, it is ato NOT knowing how to 'ride a bike', and needing to get on the learning path toward so doing.

[saltygirl01]

Things said while drunk don't qualify as communication ...

 

However, this post does communicate. You seem like a reluctant participant in things having to do with the house. Is there an issue there?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you, I agree.

 

Ah, I am not reluctant at all. I apologize for coming off the wrong way. I have felt the need to correct the situation frequently because so many outsiders have said, "are you on the deed?" "This is a big step, you shouldn't have to pay!" "Are you buying it too?" "Wow isn't that risky to buy a home together?"

 

So I'm accustomed to so many auto-responses that I've tried to formulate my responses accordingly. Maybe I'm coming off reluctant on accident!!!

[saltygirl01]

Things said while drunk don't qualify as communication ...

 

However, this post does communicate. You seem like a reluctant participant in things having to do with the house. Is there an issue there?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I should also mention that I have invested lots of "blood sweat and tears" in this home and very proudly so. He is also in a far better financial state than I - I have a car payment and student loan debt. However I am paying rent and sharing the bills they're just not in my name.

[pcplod]

It sounds to me as if you have more or less the right attitude and are in the right frame of mind. If he is too then I think you will both be okay.

 

Firstly, whatever issues there may be over communication between you you both bring your own short-comings to that. On that basis, do you both stand and fight the good fight to overcome those or do you cave in, split and rinse and repeat with respective new partners?

 

Communication between two living intimately with one another is simply essential. It needs to be honest, fulsome, candid, heart-felt and truthful. Above all, it has to be effective. It should not be about anger, accusations, avoidance, recriminations, revenge, re-balancing or self-justification.

 

And what many overlook is that communication is not just about transmitting, it is also equally about receiving, listening. Listening may jst be that, passively receiving, not necessarily responding. At other times acting on what you are receiving is what really matters. It is all about context and subject matter. Knowing which is which is essentially an exercise in trial-and-error and learning and being as honest about your own short-comings with yourself and your partner as you are about pointing out theirs to them.