Monster In Law how to handle?

[lulee]

Me and the husband have barely thought about children any time soon and my mother in law wants to name both our kids after her husband and her. For one i hate her name it would not be my top choice and if i were to name my daughter after anyone's mother it would be my OWN mother. Two, Her husband's name is also my husband's name it is so damn confusing when we have family gatherings because everyone gets confused about WHICH husband we are talking about and i just want to break that stupid chain already my husband, his dad and his grandfather were all named the same, thanks but NO thanks this is not the royal family! why should i feel forced and pressured in naming our kids (which we have not even planed on having any anytime soon). She is EXTREMELY dramatic and it is hard to say no because she is always doing guilt trips in making others do what she wants. I feel that she had her chance and opportunity at naming her kids why does she have to own that privilege??? She had her chance i want mines. I feel i deserve to be selfish after all it will be me putting my body through everything 9 months!! She makes me so mad!

 

Then she is the biggest drama queen alive, she is always complaining to my husband crying oh this hurts that hurts im dyinggggg (She is PERFECTLY fine) My husband is miles and miles away (he is in the military) and this woman is constantly constantly dramatizing her illnesses!! seriously do you think is fair to my husband that he is miles away to be stressing him and agonizing him when he can not do a thing omg!

 

She still treats him like a child and i think she forgets he is married, we did not just meet, we dated for 6 years and just recently got married!

 

omg please help, how do i deal with her, and how did you handle your inlaws? My father in law is the best ever he meddles in nothing, he is wonderful couldn't ask for better.

 

ohh, and then we just got married and haven't even had time ALONE we didnt even have a honeymoon and she wants to crash at our place already send his sister over to stay with us and everything and i haven't even left to the country my husband is in YET!!! please help! she also likes to throw his sister to my husband a lot as this big responsibility because all my husbands life he has always been the perfect big brother which is great she is 15 but not his daughter for christ sake. am so frustrated with her i need some advice please.

 

Thanks

[Lois]

Let her blab on about baby names and such because after all, she has no say in it. She can talk until she is blue in the face but it won't do her any good, so my advice is to let her wear herself out. Just smile and nod when she carries on, make it your default response. Don't allow her to control you by making you mad over something that has nothing to do with her.

 

As for her stressing your husband, bear in mind he has very likely heard all of her complaints before and it's probably like water off a duck's back to him.

 

My advice to you is to take a moment and see this crap for what it is. Let her go on with her nonsense - you're not going to change her, the only thing you can change is your reaction to her. Smile and nod. (Oh and say a prayer for your poor father-in-law, gosh, sounds like he needs it, poor love.)

[pcplod]

Lulee

 

I have no idea what age you are but this is YOUR challenge and YOURS alone.

 

I would take a big guess why your husband is in the military and in an another country. If it wasn't that it would be the merchant marine or an off-shore oil platform. Get the picture?

 

Put your big girl's knickers on and stick up for yourself against your MIL. Tell her, in no uncertain terms what is what, what will be and what will NOT be. You don't need to get angry, just determined, adamant, no-nonsense, serious, dead-pan, calm, emphatic, unambiguous. You could even sit down right now and agree a couple of boys/girls names, not associated with either family to make the point and BLOODY WELL TELL HER! Stamp it on her forehead.

 

Of course, she is going to throw the most perverse, gargantuan, hysterical tantrum, just like a 5-year old lying on their back in a supermarket isle thrashing their limbs about and yelling and screaming their lungs out until they go blue in the face. Let her get on with it. Take video with sound, post it and then forget her until, if and when, she decides to catch a grip of herself. If she doesn't what do you care? Want her baby-sitting for you?

 

Stop her manipulation NOW. She has had a lifetime at getting away with her narcissistic behaviour. It's about time someone called her to account. And that opportunity is yours and an ideal opportunity for you to grow up a bit more at the same time. It's her bloody poor husband, your FIL, that I feel sorry for, when you do it. If he confides in you as a result just suggest to him that he takes her to a vet and has her put down or do what he should have done years ago and divorce the b*tch! Drama queens, who would have them.

[Janesays]

It's not your job to deal with her. It's your husbands. Let him put his foot down. You just stay out of it.

[Nyla]

My husband has a nosy mother-in-law. We just ignore my mom and laugh when she thinks she can control our choices. I know my mother just wants to feel like she is still relevant in my life, so sometimes I mention an insignificant peace of advice I have taken so that my mom can feel important. Meddling in laws are usually just insecure about their place in a new couple's life, especially mothers of sons.

 

I suppose tradition is very important to some people, which is why your in-laws pass down names. My mother in law wanted her sons marrying in kilts with bagpipes in the background. Neither of her sons wanted Scottish traditions in their weddings. I try to show respect for my MIL's lineage by learning about her clan and their tartans. Have you ever considered giving your future children middle names that you in-laws liked, as a nod to their deeply held traditions?

[SylviaFG]

Lulee

Stop her manipulation NOW. She has had a lifetime at getting away with her narcissistic behaviour. It's about time someone called her to account. And that opportunity is yours and an ideal opportunity for you to grow up a bit more at the same time.

 

I totally agree with pcplod. Difficult though it will be I think you HAVE to stop her doing this. If your husband were here I would say to ask him to stop her doing this, but since he's away, it's down to you.

 

FWIW, I had a similar situation with both my husbands' parents being far too intrusive and into our business, and in this one respect my husband was not that great at getting them to BACK THE %^$^& OFF, because they seemed to have so much power over him even as an adult, so for my own sanity, I had to have the come to Jesus meeting with them myself, or for ever get treated like dirt by them. It actually took several unpleasant and very firm goes to get them to back off, but eventually it worked. I have kind of avoided them ever since, but the way they treated me was so bad that I think it's better we not see each other. This case might be worse than your though. I had never met any couple so narcissistic and entitled and having constant hissy fits as they were doing. It's a miracle my husband is the guy he is!

 

GOOD LUCK!!! I really feel for you!!

[lulee]

Thanks so much for all the feedback everyone, it's tough dealing with this issue I got around to talking to my husband about the whole name issue and to my surprise he was quite understanding and supported me and said to not pay her any mind because at the end of the day is our choice to make not hers which gave me piece of mind. I've been told by many to have peace to just use the names she wants as middle names. I don't want not even middle names is just she wants to manipulate what she wants tradition is for her daughter's future kid to carry not mine sorry I shouldnt feel forced because she says so when my own mother isn't been that way right? that's her just been selfish it's not even about tradition she is just quite intrusive thank you so much for the advices to everyone I just hope she doesn't drive me crazy. Im just at ease thanks to my husbands understanding response so we will see what happens. Whoever has in laws issues move far far farrrrrrr away from them it's the best decision you can make. If she lived next to me idk what I would do! About the picking out other names to prove a point that what she says does not go is an excellent idea thanks so much I will definitely give this a try and put my foot down. Thank you all for your responses. She is quite manipulative and controlling by giving guilt trips but I see what she is doing and it's frustrating. Today she was complaining about her health and been dramatic then she tells me oh don't tell him (my husband) to not worry him but then when he calls her to say hi she tells him as if she is dying wtf omg am telling you she is HORRIBLE my father in law is the one that doesn't even pay her any mind and tells her to relax its nothing lol he really is over her dramatic ways I wish my husband was this way as well with her is selfish for her to worry my husband miles away when he can't do a thing. She doesn't get he is not playing around my father in law is completely understanding she just won't cut the umbilical cord!!

[lulee]

has anyone ever experience an inlaw to be so bad that it causes problems in your marriage? how did anyone handle it, i feel my mil will be a huge issue down the road she is so clingy to my husband i feel true to the word when they say you not only marry him but his family, and i wonder, will she ever give us a break to live our lives? She wont stop calling every 5 mins to see what he is doing even after we are married my parents arent even like that and am the only girl from my parents and not to mention we arent teenagers. How can i break the umbilical cord from my mil with my husband its really exhausting, how can i make her keep a distance and respect some space!?

Edited November 16, 2012 by lulee

[pcplod]

Lulee

 

I guess you and your husband haven't been married that long if you haven't reached the point of talking about children, never mind giving them names.

 

Here's the thing. You are still establishing your role in your relationship, ie marriage with your husband. Your relationship to him as domestic partner, as someone who shares life's responsibilities, his lover. Your MIL is impinging on that role, is a threat to it in that she is trying to determine what form it takes and you see that as a threat.

 

However, that is not what will determine how you fit into your shared role. It is the relationship with your husband which will do that and if you focus too much of your energy on your crazy MIL then there is always a risk that it will deflect you from what really matters, him.

 

It sounds to me that both your FIL and husband have had a life-time's fill of the crazy wife and mother and have just learned that for them the best way of dealing with it is to acknowledge and accept her presence and wearying ways but other than that they just ignore the specifics that emanate from her, smile indulgently at her, and possibly have a good-humoured laugh at her to themselves. If they do, MAYBE you could study their technique and MAYBE learn a thing or two from it.

 

The risk has to be that if you get stressed about it all the time then you are running a serious risk of just becoming the sort of Moaning Minnie that your MIL already is. Does that prospect fill you with relish? How ultimately do you think your husband is going to react long-term to you maybe constantly moaning to him about his moaning mother? I can confidently guess that the answer is probably, not very well at all. You need and can be that radically-refreshing presence in his life, different to the one he effectively ran away from.

 

And you need to get a fresh perspective before you make yourself seriously depressed and anxious over this when in all probability it is entirely avoidable. You just have not yet found the level of personal maturity and self-confidence you need in order to deal with your MIL. But you will. But only if you take a positive perspective on this and see it for the opportunity it is to develop your own inter-personal skills, to build up your self-confidence. To learn to be assertive but not aggressive. Right now you are sounding a tad hysterical and that is not good, for you, your partner or your relationship.

 

Come on, tell me you can do it and that you are going to do it. It will only be a 'crime' that she gets away with if she succeeds in turning you. You don't even need to call her out on her ways, just marginalise her.

 

Most importantly, you need your husband to have your back and the most important aspect of that is by not asking him either explicitly or implicitly to takes sides, unless it is absolutely necessary. And this isn't a 'necessity' situation. Keep your powder dry for when it is really needed. And it sounds to me as if he is on your side, it's just that he doesn't see the need to make a confrontational point of it. Don't try to force it on him. It would be a bad mistake. If you have confidence that he will tell her when to back off when it comes to the crunch, that is all you need.

 

Just start believing in YOURSELF! If you do, MIL will become a mildly irritating background noise in your psyche.

Edited November 16, 2012 by pcplod

[lulee]

 

And you need to get a fresh perspective before you make yourself seriously depressed and anxious over this when in all probability it is entirely avoidable. You just have not yet found the level of personal maturity and self-confidence you need in order to deal with your MIL. But you will. But only if you take a positive perspective on this and see it for the opportunity it is to develop your own inter-personal skills, to build up your self-confidence. To learn to be assertive but not aggressive. Right now you are sounding a tad hysterical and that is not good, for you, your partner or your relationship.

 

Come on, tell me you can do it and that you are going to do it. It will only be a 'crime' that she gets away with if she succeeds in turning you. You don't even need to call her out on her ways, just marginalise her.

 

Most importantly, you need your husband to have your back and the most important aspect of that is by not asking him either explicitly or implicitly to takes sides, unless it is absolutely necessary. And this isn't a 'necessity' situation. Keep your powder dry for when it is really needed. And it sounds to me as if he is on your side, it's just that he doesn't see the need to make a confrontational point of it. Don't try to force it on him. It would be a bad mistake. If you have confidence that he will tell her when to back off when it comes to the crunch, that is all you need.

 

Just start believing in YOURSELF! If you do, MIL will become a mildly irritating background noise in your psyche.

 

 

Thanks for the feedback, i absolutely agree with you, i refuse to be the annoying wife always whining to my husband about his mother, i have to be the bigger person and just take my own husband's advice and simply "ignore her" however, when she does start to become way too into our business i will stand my ground because i refuse to be walked all over on. Such as the kid names, that in my opinion its truly non of her business and i know she will get mad when we choose not to name my kids after her nor her husband, it will be tantrum that she will only have to deal with herself and get over herself, because she can't stay mad forever.

 

Thanks again for your advice, i do have to just be accepting and ignore her concerns that rub me in the wrong way as it will only affect my marriage with my husband. As long as my husband is aware of how she is, i think we will be just fine. I just worry he forgets at times, but i'll have to just work around her and pay her no mind. We dated for 7 years and just recently got married, but now i see what i will have to deal with in the long run and i hope am just strong enough to confront her at times and simply say no.

 

Another thing she wants my husband bank account information so she can keep track WTF. Is this normal??

[Stillgrowing]

My mother in law did this and sounds like yours. When we were just barely thinking about having kids she called to say, I think that since (SIL) used this combo of family names, you should use this combination of family names. I said, "thank you, we'll add those to the (non-existstant) list! We won't know until the (yet to exist) baby is born what his or her name will be.". We got pregnant two years later and when she asked about names we just said, "we'll know when the baby is born". I let my husband name both kids, tho they were girls and she had been assuming we'd have a boy, neither of her names made it on the list. She asked and he dismissed her with a, "maybe the next one" when we knew we were done. I felt bad not having a full discussion with her about it, but her personality doesn't invite two way discussions.