Will he reconnect

[Badschoice]

So this is my story. I am currently married and was having an affair with a guy that was married as well. We both have kids.

 

There was this guy I met in college about 13 years ago. I had no idea he liked me. He told me he liked me for awhile but didn’t say anything. Things from there progressed. We study together, we ate together and we were intimate pretty quickly. Then about a few months later he told me he was going to get married. He gave me the option to walk away or stay. And I stayed. At this point of time I went from 100lbs to 150lbs I had a bad home life, my parents were always fighting and I had failed college the year before. I was totally in the dumps. This guy brought me from the brink of destruction. He motivated me to do well in school, he talked to me. Our relationship wasn’t always about sex. In fact there were times he never wanted to anything more than just talk or study. He treated with me respect didn’t care that I was curvy. He was 23, and it was an arranged marriage. He had met the girl a total of 5 times. He has strong ties to his family and his community and did not want to disappoint them. Also I was of a different religion, so there was no way he could bring me home. But he never hid me from his friends. All his friends told me he was really into me.

 

Now fast forward 2 years. He was married for a year and he contacted me. We went out for lunch for a total of 5 times. Our lunches consisted of talking about how miserable he was and I gave him advice. And at this time I was also in a long term relationship and I was going to get married to him. Then one day he asked me if I wanted to check out his office. And I said yes. He tried to pull a move on me and I stopped him and told him I couldn’t do it because I was in a relationship. And that was the end of that.

 

Now fast forrward 2 years later after last encounter. I was married for almost a year, but our marriage was very rocky. I messaged him this time. We met up and talked. We talked like we never lost contact. He asked me why I had emailed him, and I said it was because I wasn’t happy in my marriage. That I needed companionship I was lonely. He said that he was too. So we ended up seeing each other for almost a year. But then I started hanging out with my friends, going out a lot. My husband and I bought a house. And I also wanted to try to get pregnant. I also was beginning to see that this other guy wasn’t spending time with me and I realized that if I wasn’t getting attention at home and I wasn’t getting attention with him then what was the point. And because I had strong friends around me and I was preoccupied with them and the house, and anticipating to build on my family I ended it with him. Not because I didn’t have any feelings for him, because I did. I told him exactly how I felt. He said that he would do things differently but I said no and ended things with him. He said he wasn’t going to beg, and the ball was in my court.

 

Now fast forward 4 years later after last encounter which is current time October 2012. By this time I have 2 kids, I had them back to back. During the 4 year break we would call each other periodically. See how each other was doing, or email each other. But that was that. Quick short conversations. My marriage is very rocky. I have thought about him a lot over the last few years. Wondering if he would ever see me again after me ending it. But he emailed me and asked how I was doing. I replied back and asked him if he wanted to go for lunch. He said yes. Lunch was great. We talked about things, our relationship what was wrong with it ect. So we left he just hugged me and that was it. I went home and started to think about him, so I emailed him and thanked him for lunch and for the great conversation. And from there we just started emailing back and forth. We met a few times after that, for coffee for just sat in the car to talk. We kissed but nothing more than that. Then we sat down to discuss expectations so we decided to meet at least once a week or more and we both did not want to leave our spouses. We then started talking on whatsapp and did a little dirty talk but just talk about how our day was going ect. He was on the dot, always met me once a week or more, he came to my volleyball game to watch. He made an effort. He didn’t even want to be intimate. He wanted to take things slow, take his time slowly with me. I was the one asking when we would do it, and he said that we would in good time. Finally we did we got a room and that was that.

 

Then a few days later my husband was using my phone, and I guess the other guy messaged me. I had forgotten to delete the messages about going to the hotel ect. My husband was devastated. I feel bad for him, but he has neglected me since we’ve gotten married, he’s physically abused me. I was just tired of being lonely. My husband messaged the guy back pretending to be me to get more information. But I called the other guy to let him know that it wasn’t me texting it was my husband.

 

So after things blew up, I spoke to the other guy. He was stressed out. And when I talked to him at work, I asked him if I would ever see him again. He said in the short mean while it was best not to. He said he had a moment with God. And he thought we both should try to work on our marriages. But I asked him for a straight answer a yes or no whether I would see him again. He said no in the short time and then I asked him when then? He said he doesn’t know maybe in 3 months 5 months there was no definitive time for him. He’s scared that every time we see each other that we are going to be looking over our backs or when he messages me wondering if its me or my husband. That he cant deal with that stress or wrap his head around it. I asked him whether theres more to it, that he was no longer attracted to me or there was something I did during our encounter. He said that he is still very attracted to me, but if he sees me that he will succumb and override his decision. He said that he still likes me, that we are compatable for each other. That I get him and vise versa. But its that fact that we almost got caught and he’s spooked out. I know he likes his wife, but I know he isn’t happy. Is that situation where you just go through the motions of life.

 

This time around when we reconnected it was different. He actually made an effort. And it wasn’t just about being intimate with me. That was just a bonus. Im just wondering if he will ever see me again. He buries himself into his work to keep him distracted. But I don’t know this time around whether he will ever want to see me again. I ve always been comfortable with him. And I never have to watch what I say or I do. I never have to play games with him. He just likes me for who I am and vise versa.

 

So will he reconnect with me

[Pierre]

I ve always been comfortable with him. And I never have to watch what I say or I do. I never have to play games with him. He just likes me for who I am and vise versa.

 

So will he reconnect with me

 

Ah, you really love this guy. He pays a lot of attention to you while your H is not attentive. I don't blame you.

 

But, now your husband knows and he is probably watching you. Your guy knows this and he is going to stay away. Just imagine if your husband decides to beat him up or tell his wife. Your husband could cause a lot of trouble for you.

 

So as of now you are stuck in a loveless marriage.

 

There is a simple solution to your ordeal:

 

Divorce your husband.

 

Then you can be the OW of this man and he can see you more often. I suggest you make an appointment with your lawyer ASAP.

[KatZee]

I'm kind of confused by this whole thing. The whole time you were in love with this guy, but married someone else? Why? Just because he was getting married? From day one your marriage was rocky and you just proceeded to have two kids? Why? Because your maternal clock was ticking? To this day your marriage is terrible. He is physically and emotionally abusive, you're having an affair... WHY are you staying with this person? You should have never married him to begin with, and I feel equally as sorry for this guy who was forced to marry a woman he doesn't even love and is just being strangled by his faith and traditions.

 

You don't appear to want to work on your marriage, you're more concerned about your OMM getting in touch with you. You're not asking how to get your husband to trust you, you're not asking how to repair your marriage, you're asking if your affair partner will get in touch so you guys can continue what you're doing.

 

Get out of your marriage, for your own mental sake and for your physical safety as well!

[Badschoice]

I don't mind waiting till things die down. But I'm just wondering if he ever will?

[2sunny]

Get divorced!

 

You aren't being kind or loving to your husband!

 

 

Your behavior is what's road locking you having ANY healthy relationship - because you lie.

 

Your H deserves better than what you have offered.

[2sunny]

I don't mind waiting till things die down. But I'm just wondering if he ever will?

 

Selfish... You will get what you deserve...

[ilovedhim]

It doesn't even seem like you "love" either of these men. Do you love this guy? Or just a distraction from your life and marriage? Why don't you want to work on your marriage? Why isn't your husband upset?

 

I really think you should leave the other guy alone.

[Badschoice]

Its easy to say I should get divorced and leave. I wish it was that simple. I never thought I would be in this position ever. I may even love two guys at the same time. I'm not delusional to think this other guy will leave his wife for me. I've never thought that. My husband is upset and angry with me. But for so long I've put his needs first and them having the kids back to back hasn't done any good for me either. I feel like I've lost myself. And although it was only one day a week that I saw this guy I felt alive again. Not because of the thrill or sex. But because he keeps me reevaluating myself to keep challenging myself. I am confused. I'm not a bad person. To date I've done everything by the book. I am responsible, I take care of my home my kids even my husband after everything he's puts through, I work.

 

I know it sounds bad how I come across. I've just come to a crossing point in my life. I don't know whether its because I'm having a self identity crisis issue.

 

My brain keeps telling me one thing and my heart another. It's not like I wanted this. A month ago it was just a fantasy. I keep asking myself is this it? Is this life? To keep my self preoccupied I've emerged myself I'm work, sports and planning to go back to school.

 

But I can't help miss the other guy. I will be judged and I know that. And I know I should leave the other guy alone. I know I should try working on marriage. And I'm in the process of that. Seeing a counsellor.

 

But I also keep thinking about the other guy. Is he still into me, does he care about me, will this be the end? Will I ever see him again? When this happened the first time I was never emotional about him. It is what it is. But the second time around I could feel him being invested in me. I would say the first time it was more about sex. But this time he was different. Does he love me?

 

I'm confused, lost, depressed, empty. I didn't feel this way about him the first time. It's like my feelings for him got even stronger for him after not seeing him for 4 years.

[2sunny]

You have NOT done everything by the book!

 

A book of honesty doesn't include cheating!

 

Stop lying to yourself.

 

Stop pretending everything is fine within the M when it's not!

 

Stop pretending to your H that you love him when you divide your affection between two men!

 

Get HONEST about what YOU are doing - honest with YOURSELF and honest with your husband!

[2sunny]

Its easy to say I should get divorced and leave. I wish it was that simple. I never thought I would be in this position ever. I may even love two guys at the same time. I'm not delusional to think this other guy will leave his wife for me. I've never thought that. My husband is upset and angry with me. But for so long I've put his needs first and them having the kids back to back hasn't done any good for me either. I feel like I've lost myself. And although it was only one day a week that I saw this guy I felt alive again. Not because of the thrill or sex. But because he keeps me reevaluating myself to keep challenging myself. I am confused. I'm not a bad person. To date I've done everything by the book. I am responsible, I take care of my home my kids even my husband after everything he's puts through, I work.

 

I know it sounds bad how I come across. I've just come to a crossing point in my life. I don't know whether its because I'm having a self identity crisis issue.

 

My brain keeps telling me one thing and my heart another. It's not like I wanted this. A month ago it was just a fantasy. I keep asking myself is this it? Is this life? To keep my self preoccupied I've emerged myself I'm work, sports and planning to go back to school.

 

But I can't help miss the other guy. I will be judged and I know that. And I know I should leave the other guy alone. I know I should try working on marriage. And I'm in the process of that. Seeing a counsellor.

 

But I also keep thinking about the other guy. Is he still into me, does he care about me, will this be the end? Will I ever see him again? When this happened the first time I was never emotional about him. It is what it is. But the second time around I could feel him being invested in me. I would say the first time it was more about sex. But this time he was different. Does he love me?

 

I'm confused, lost, depressed, empty. I didn't feel this way about him the first time. It's like my feelings for him got even stronger for him after not seeing him for 4 years.

 

It's all about you...

[FightClub]

Badschoice,

 

Seems as though you're on again, off again affair partner provides the right 'stuff' to make you feel better when the marriage isn't fulfilling you.

 

So, to answer your question, 'will he reconnect?", yes, he most definitely will as soon as things slow down and the coast is clear either you or he will contact each other.

 

Either in the next few weeks, months or possibly two years, it's a pattern for you guys.

 

The question is, what exactly do you want out of this situation?

 

-FC

[Pierre]

My husband and I bought a house. And I also wanted to try to get pregnant. I also was beginning to see that this other guy wasn’t spending time with me and I realized that if I wasn’t getting attention at home and I wasn’t getting attention with him then what was the point.

 

Trying to get pregnant with your H while in the throes of an affair is unusual. Is there a chance the children belong to the OM. If I was your H I would do a paternity test.

 

Why did you want children with your H if you were in love with OM? That is quite bizarre. Have you asked yourself that question.

 

You also put emphasis on getting attention. Are you a woman that needs attention to feel happy?

 

I am confused by your posts.

[TigerCub]

He said he had a moment with God. And he thought we both should try to work on our marriages.

 

I love how some people use GOD when its convenient.

 

He didn't find god or have a moment with god, he's just afraid of your husband...

 

Exhibit A....

But its that fact that we almost got caught and he’s spooked out.

 

That is all.....

 

Badschoice,

I'm sure leaving your husband isn't as easily done as said - but...if he is abusive and you and him are not having a healthy relationship - please think of your children. Why must their fate be to be trapped in such a terrible environment.

 

Its not fair to them.

 

I'm not usually the "Oh my! Pleeeeease think of the children!!" over a drop of a hat type, but when it comes to subjecting kids to miserable and abusive homes (because they are helpless and can't fend for themselves)- that just really pisses me off because it is cruel and people who do that shouldn't be having kids in the first place.

[Pierre]

I love how some people use GOD when its convenient.

 

He didn't find god or have a moment with god, he's just afraid of your husband...

 

Exhibit A....

 

 

That is all.....

 

Badschoice,

I'm sure leaving your husband isn't as easily done as said - but...if he is abusive and you and him are not having a healthy relationship - please think of your children. Why must their fate be to be trapped in such a terrible environment.

 

Its not fair to them.

 

I'm not usually the "Oh my! Pleeeeease think of the children!!" over a drop of a hat type, but when it comes to subjecting kids to miserable and abusive homes (because they are helpless and can't fend for themselves)- that just really pisses me off because it is cruel and people who do that shouldn't be having kids in the first place.

 

The MOW pulled the terrible marriage and the H is abusive card, but this is what most MOWs do. They usually say this to justify the infidelity. We don't really know what kind of husband she has.

 

But, we know (from her posts) what kind of wife she is.

 

She was involved with OM and nevertheless decided to have two kids with her husband because she wanted to form a home. Sounds to me OP is talking from both sides of her mouth here.

 

Then there is a d-day and the so-called abusive awful husband does not throw her out even though she still pines for OM. If anything her H sounds more like a nice man (doormat type) and she takes him for granted.

 

How could any man have a healthy relationship with a wife that has been in love with OM during the entire marriage?

Edited November 15, 2012 by Pierre