HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 would it make a difference to the BW if the OW told her that the A ended? and that the reason why the confession is because she has a right to know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Not really. Just tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 would it make a difference to the BW if the OW told her that the A ended? and that the reason why the confession is because she has a right to know? Hon make a choice. The only one who can say if it's right for you to tell her is you. You have to face the blowback. You have to live with the decisions you make. Every A is different, every M is different, participants in them are all different. I can answer your question but it will by MY answer not yours. Stop torturing yourself. Either do it or don't. No matter what you decide to do I urge you to get some help even if it's nothing more than an objective person to talk to. Find some peace for yourself and just make the decision and do it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 You telling her seems to be out of spite - so I don't suggest telling her. You've wasted 10 years on this "friend" = loser. Look forward without ever needing to communicate with him again! Leave the poor woman alone! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Would you want to tell her even if you knew nothing would change? i.e. she wouldn't leave? what if she started spreading rumors about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 Would you want to tell her even if you knew nothing would change? i.e. she wouldn't leave? what if she started spreading rumors about you? rumors, what rumors if they're true Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 You telling her seems to be out of spite - so I don't suggest telling her. You've wasted 10 years on this "friend" = loser. Look forward without ever needing to communicate with him again! Leave the poor woman alone! she does have a right to know her husband has cheated on her for 10 years, and yes part of it is spite. i am going crazy here thinking how "happy" they are and how she will "never" know the truth Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 i've played scenarios over and over in my mind. would the wrath be only on me? would she be understanding or calm would she freak out Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 It's none of your business at this point! Set things right - in order to do so you need to STAY OUT OF IT! Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 i've played scenarios over and over in my mind. would the wrath be only on me? would she be understanding or calm would she freak out I can guarantee the one scenario you don't come up with is the one that happens. You can't figure out what's going to happen. I can almost guarantee they'll get back together. Life may be tough for him for a while but he won't lose everything you want him to lose. I know a lot of people in this forum think the desire to tell the BS has to do with the BS. It has to do with the MM. You're happily going along in an R with them and then they break it off. If you've been promised the world then it hurts and you see him swan off into the sunset completely unscathed. You want him to pay. Sadly his BS is collateral damage and also the stick used to beat him with. I get that. He changed everything and you've found out he played you. You want him to have as little as you do. I'm afraid it probably won't happen no matter what you do. Think of this. You tell her and you see they have some problems initially. Then she walks into the office and plants a big kiss on him in front of you. Is it real? Does it matter? How much would that hurt. You lobbed out your best and they're still together. I think you need to consider that scenario and see if you're ready for it. You're a mess now, I can't imagine how you'd be then. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 this is from the other thread: can she really fully reconcile? it wasn't a 2 month affair... i'm not really looking for "forgiveness" i think. i'm ok if i dont talk to her, but i just don't want her to come after me what if they decide to start over? from my experience watching others, i really don't think she'll leave him. he will make it near impossible. he will throw you under the bus (if he hasn't already painted you as a psycho), he will follow her around like a puppy, do everything she wants. they've been married a long time, men know how to make women do what they want. this is why i'm saying to look out for yourself first. can you handle the backlash? because this guy will make sure you don't come out smelling like roses. if he's going down he will take you with him, and maybe her too (which will be even worsre). funny about the rumors... i'm sure you don't want that rep at work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 I can guarantee the one scenario you don't come up with is the one that happens. You can't figure out what's going to happen. I can almost guarantee they'll get back together. Life may be tough for him for a while but he won't lose everything you want him to lose. I know a lot of people in this forum think the desire to tell the BS has to do with the BS. It has to do with the MM. You're happily going along in an R with them and then they break it off. If you've been promised the world then it hurts and you see him swan off into the sunset completely unscathed. You want him to pay. Sadly his BS is collateral damage and also the stick used to beat him with. I get that. He changed everything and you've found out he played you. You want him to have as little as you do. I'm afraid it probably won't happen no matter what you do. Think of this. You tell her and you see they have some problems initially. Then she walks into the office and plants a big kiss on him in front of you. Is it real? Does it matter? How much would that hurt. You lobbed out your best and they're still together. I think you need to consider that scenario and see if you're ready for it. You're a mess now, I can't imagine how you'd be then. i wasn't a 2 month fling, it was 10 years, will they be able to fully reconcile after i show her the pictures and its embedded into her brain? we don't work in the same office, we work in the same building... i know i'm making all sorts of excuses but i really do feel crippled. and i cant believe all he can say is "sorry" and "i still care" Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 Calm= hurt, disbelief Ranting=Angry not sure which way is better Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 i wasn't a 2 month fling, it was 10 years, will they be able to fully reconcile after i show her the pictures and its embedded into her brain? we don't work in the same office, we work in the same building... i know i'm making all sorts of excuses but i really do feel crippled. and i cant believe all he can say is "sorry" and "i still care" I know it was 10 years and I'm truly not minimizing that. Who knows if they'll fully reconcile but I can pretty well guarantee they'll stay together and all the world will see is the perfect couple. Can YOU face that after investing 10 years in him and then getting put aside? Knowing you had every bit of information that should blow them apart and they make it through? How are you going to feel if you get a letter from the two of them saying he's going NC and for you to leave them alone? How are you going to feel when she is protecting her M and sends the photos to you with some cutting comments on them? I would imagine it could be orchestrated for you to see a show of their love whether you work in the same office or the same building. How will you feel then? Please get some help. This will not end the way you want it to and I can imagine it will be a thousand times more painful. I think you should tell her but you need to be more healed first. You can't go into something like that being this raw. Please don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 I know it was 10 years and I'm truly not minimizing that. Who knows if they'll fully reconcile but I can pretty well guarantee they'll stay together and all the world will see is the perfect couple. Can YOU face that after investing 10 years in him and then getting put aside? Knowing you had every bit of information that should blow them apart and they make it through? How are you going to feel if you get a letter from the two of them saying he's going NC and for you to leave them alone? How are you going to feel when she is protecting her M and sends the photos to you with some cutting comments on them? I would imagine it could be orchestrated for you to see a show of their love whether you work in the same office or the same building. How will you feel then? Please get some help. This will not end the way you want it to and I can imagine it will be a thousand times more painful. I think you should tell her but you need to be more healed first. You can't go into something like that being this raw. Please don't. Summer, how many woman can take that he had someone else for ten years? even if they reconcile, would it ever ever be the same? i feel like i need to make some kind of impact- the same way he has impacted me! i didn't "not exist!!" i feel angry, hurt, (ironically)betrayed, and yes i know it is vindictive but it hurts so much and holidays coming and they're moving in this this weekend to the new place 4 blocks from me. if i had money or another job i wouldnt mind resigning, if i had money i wouldnt mind moving.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 and yes, if they make it through, then best of luck to them, and i would have absolutely absolutely have everything answered no way to dodge all the pain, no way no "what ifs" no anything.... then hopefully i can try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life?... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Listen - YOU did this to YOURSELF! YOUR choices! That is ALL on YOU! You should be angry at YOURSELF for what YOU have done! For how YOU participated! For how YOU wasted ten years of YOUR life by handing that man(?) ALL YOUR POWER! YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF! Do you get that part? Stop blaming him for the decisions YOU made! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 Listen - YOU did this to YOURSELF! YOUR choices! That is ALL on YOU! You should be angry at YOURSELF for what YOU have done! For how YOU participated! For how YOU wasted ten years of YOUR life by handing that man(?) ALL YOUR POWER! YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF! Do you get that part? Stop blaming him for the decisions YOU made! it was both of us who participated, why does he get to carry on? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Summer, how many woman can take that he had someone else for ten years? even if they reconcile, would it ever ever be the same? i feel like i need to make some kind of impact- the same way he has impacted me! i didn't "not exist!!" i feel angry, hurt, (ironically)betrayed, and yes i know it is vindictive but it hurts so much and holidays coming and they're moving in this this weekend to the new place 4 blocks from me. if i had money or another job i wouldnt mind resigning, if i had money i wouldnt mind moving.. Have you been reading the forum? A lot of women will take that. Would it be the same, I have no idea. Neither do you. You'll see them in a united front against a common enemy and then you'll feel hurt. Do you know what. You do exist. You know you exist. Proving it to her isn't going to give you any more feeling of existence. Except maybe a whole lot more pain. I'm sure it hurts like He!!. I can see it in your posts. I can't see how it'll make you feel better to carry out what you want to do. I don't know what you do about the move and about the job. But in the meantime go and get some help. Please. Talk to someone who is objective and can help you come to an informed and non destructive decision. Please take a deep breath and look at things rationally and not with all of the emotion. If you can't then you need someone to help you do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 it was both of us who participated, why does he get to carry on? Because life isn't fair. I'm sure some of the families who lost loved ones in the Towers have had moments where they've looked at survivors and said 'why them'. Life isn't fair and no matter how much you want to, you will not be the one to even things up so he suffers as much as you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 All I heard was... I was Fing your husband. But he dumped me so I thought you should know. Oh ya, and I'm sorry... Was I mad? Oh yeah. Was I better for knowing? He$$ Yeah!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 it was both of us who participated, why does he get to carry on? Because he's choosing to. You are choosing not to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 All I heard was... I was Fing your husband. But he dumped me so I thought you should know. Oh ya, and I'm sorry... Was I mad? Oh yeah. Was I better for knowing? He$$ Yeah!! Hot, were you more mad at him for doing it or more mad at her for telling? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 it was both of us who participated, why does he get to carry on? Your pity party is very unattractive on you. Get counseling to help with your negative outlook. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 He says the feeling of hurt will pass, but I feel like I will NEVER be the same. and it hurts too much to know that they will both carry on as if everything was the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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