would it make a difference

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I have to say that a 10 year long affair probably has not gone unnoticed. I'm sure she has had her inklings of something going on.

 

Also, if I were the BS and I had the OW calling me up and trying to get into my business all because the A was now over and she felt "betrayed" I would laugh in her face, and wreck her world.

 

You have made your choices. I pity you but I don't really feel all that bad. What did you honestly think was going to happen? Married men RARELY, if EVER leave their wives for the other person. You were a fool for staying as long as you did. A fool for thinking you were anything more to this man than a good time.

 

How were you feeling every time he used you for sex and then went right back to his loving home and loving wife? There was no future between you two, there was nothing that was going to happen between you two but what's been going on for 10 years.

 

I know you think you're going to "claim some power" by exposing this, but the only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to be attacked from all angles. He's going to despise you. His wife isn't going to become your best friend. If the wife wants to really play ball with you, it could affect your job.

 

You don't even know if he's confessed to his wife. Maybe he has. Maybe she found something and has been questioning it and that's why it's officially done with you. Either way, they're still together. He's not running to you.

 

To expose this only shows spite, not strength. Move ON with your life. At the end of the day, I think you're going to do whatever you want to do. I don't see you really absorbing anything that everyone is telling you here, you just keep trying to make excuses and trying to justify coming out with it.

 

Let me just say, we all warned you. Good luck.

 

If I were his W............................

 

You send everything out and I come back to you with, yes I know about the A.

 

 

Do you know something heart? You will never know if that's true or not. With that one little sentence she makes everything you're going to send her meaningless and every bit of power you think you have goes right out the window. You'll never know if she's saying that just to save face and keep you out. You'll never know if it's true.

 

Buy you're left there with nothing. You expect to see this huge event upon telling her and I can guarantee 1 of 2 things will happen. She'll either cut you off at the knees and let you know she is fully aware and they're deliriously happy, or she'll go ballistic on your a@@.

 

You seem to have this dream he's going to come running when he has nowhere else to go. He won't. If he did, would you even want him?

 

As the poster above me said, we've all warned you. Look at the posters and the perspectives that are ALL saying to think carefully and take care of yourself before you do anything, if you do anything.

 

We're not saying it to be mean. We've been there and we all know how hard it is and how much it hurts.

 

 

I have wondered if I did as a poster suggested, put everything in a box that he gave me and tell her "I can't do this anymore please tell him I cant do this anymore". And even if she tells me she knew I think I would see it on her face. And if I did that, why am I still so scared of feeling how he would feel when I don't think we will be together and that the ship has sailed. Cuz I really do love him and it really hurts ME to think that I would think of hurting him too. But he hurt me so bad that I can't help feel that...

[Tenacity]

And the stickler is that he "still wants to be best friends" so he does call and text to see how I'm doing.

 

I'm sorry, and I know from experience that you won't believe this yet, but he is a complete horse's A** to do this to you. He is not thinking about you at all! All he cares about is what is best for HIM. If he cared at all about what was best for YOU, he would understand how painful it is to be "best friends" and he would leave you ALONE!

 

My ex-MM did this (the "best friends" thing) and I tried to play along because I didn't want to hurt him and because I thought being "best friends" would be better than nothing. (double ) What it does is keep him in control and keep you emotionally tethered to an unavailable man so that you can't move forward in your life.

 

And it's selfish of him, because deep down that's what he wants - he does not want you to move forward and forget about him, even though he can't offer you anything but "best friends". What a crock of cr*p... you cannot be "best friends" with a man you are still in love with and who shattered your heart in tiny pieces around your feet! I finally woke up and told ex-MM to be "best friends" with his W and stop contacting me!

 

He wants what he wants, when he wants it. Now it's in HIS best interest to be "best friends" and although he may be paying lip service to being "sorry that he hurt you", if he REALLY was sorry he would back off! You need to get to the point where you can see this and not allow it.

[Summer Breeze]

I have wondered if I did as a poster suggested, put everything in a box that he gave me and tell her "I can't do this anymore please tell him I cant do this anymore". And even if she tells me she knew I think I would see it on her face. And if I did that, why am I still so scared of feeling how he would feel when I don't think we will be together and that the ship has sailed. Cuz I really do love him and it really hurts ME to think that I would think of hurting him too. But he hurt me so bad that I can't help feel that...

 

Heart, I'm sorry but as upset as you are and as hard as it is for you to make the decision as to what to do I can't see you standing there passing her the box in person. Even if you did you would still not 'see it' in her eyes.

 

You're scared because you want him back and your sole purpose of doing this is so it'll explode and he'll come to you. He won't. You can't create that much drama in his life and still expect him to be madly in love with you. It's not fair but it is reality.

 

I know you want to hurt him like he's hurt you. I also know that your target is him and not his W. I think I said something before about you using her as a stick to beat him over the head with. But IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING FOR THE BETTER.

 

You're asking the same thing over and over again and it's pointless to keep jumping in here. You won't go see a counsellor, you won't/can't move, you won't/can't get a different job. You're obsessing about him and how you can blow his life up. If you were hearing your BFF tell you all of this and be as obsessive as you are, what would you tell her?

Edited November 15, 2012 by Summer Breeze

[Survivor12]

I have wondered if I did as a poster suggested, put everything in a box that he gave me and tell her "I can't do this anymore please tell him I cant do this anymore". And even if she tells me she knew I think I would see it on her face. And if I did that, why am I still so scared of feeling how he would feel when I don't think we will be together and that the ship has sailed. Cuz I really do love him and it really hurts ME to think that I would think of hurting him too. But he hurt me so bad that I can't help feel that...

 

Maybe I missed something, but didn't HE end the affair? If so, doing what you've mentioned here would be a lie. Hence, it proves that your reason for telling her is not to "give" her the truth in order for her to make an informed decision but to hurt her &/or get her to leave the marriage. That's just wrong. For those who hold the opinion that the wife deserves to know the TRUTH, I urge you to reconsider because she won't be getting that from this poster.

[Summer Breeze]

Maybe I missed something, but didn't HE end the affair? If so, doing what you've mentioned here would be a lie. Hence, it proves that your reason for telling her is not to "give" her the truth in order for her to make an informed decision but to hurt her &/or get her to leave the marriage. That's just wrong. For those who hold the opinion that the wife deserves to know the TRUTH, I urge you to reconsider because she won't be getting that from this poster.

 

 

I agree that Heart shouldn't be telling the BS. At least not now. I do have to comment on one thing. I don't know as an Ow typically wants to tell the BS in order to hurt her. She wants to tell her in order to hurt the MM. It's the only way she has if he ends it and walks away, especially if the MM made all kinds of promises. I do agree there are some who are looking to hurt the BS but I think in most cases it's the last ditch effort to make the MM as hurt as the OW is. My 2p anyway.

[Tenacity]

Maybe I missed something, but didn't HE end the affair? If so, doing what you've mentioned here would be a lie. Hence, it proves that your reason for telling her is not to "give" her the truth in order for her to make an informed decision but to hurt her &/or get her to leave the marriage. That's just wrong. For those who hold the opinion that the wife deserves to know the TRUTH, I urge you to reconsider because she won't be getting that from this poster.

 

^^ And this is exactly why the motivation for telling the BS is important.

[knitwit]

OP- I rarely post. But your pain is so strong...my bff was an OW. It was a horrible experience for her, she became very ill. That relationship was a turning point in her life.

 

It sounds like your life is also at a turning point. You've come to a point where the status quo is no longer tenable. Like many posters here, I am worried for you. The pressure is increasing on you, as contact with your MM and the possibility of contact with his wife increases (work & now home as well.)

 

Can you take some time off work? Take some PTO. Go stay with family, or a good friend who you can trust. Get away from the MM & the W. Get a chance to be in a safe space for you where you can breathe and take a break.

 

Decide to not take any drastic action until you get a good 1-2 weeks away from the situation. You are in tremendous emotional upheaval. This is the time to retreat. It is the worst time to take action (other than acting to get yourself out of the situation.)

[Survivor12]

Originally Posted by Survivor12

Maybe I missed something, but didn't HE end the affair? If so, doing what you've mentioned here would be a lie. Hence, it proves that your reason for telling her is not to "give" her the truth in order for her to make an informed decision but to hurt her &/or get her to leave the marriage. That's just wrong. For those who hold the opinion that the wife deserves to know the TRUTH, I urge you to reconsider because she won't be getting that from this poster.

 

 

^^ And this is exactly why the motivation for telling the BS is important.

 

Tenacity, I think you missed the point of my comment....If you believe that it's important for a wife to be made aware so that she can decide for herself whether or not she wants to remain married to a cheater, then she deserves to know the entire--and unbiased--truth which includes the fact that it was her husband who chose to to end the affair. To tell her that the OW made the choice (in this case) would be a lie. Does the wife not deserve to know that despite his having an affair (which I am in no way minimizing), that he ultimately chose his marriage over the OW? While it may or may not influence her decision, I think it's important that she receive the WHOLE truth.

[Artie Lang]

i might be wrong, but by the way you tell it - the awkwardness, and all - she might have an inkling about what's been going on.

 

if you do decide to expose, just remember how close you are to these people. you would probably need to uproot your whole life after the fallout.

Edited November 15, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Tenacity]

Originally Posted by Survivor12

Tenacity, I think you missed the point of my comment....If you believe that it's important for a wife to be made aware so that she can decide for herself whether or not she wants to remain married to a cheater, then she deserves to know the entire--and unbiased--truth which includes the fact that it was her husband who chose to to end the affair. To tell her that the OW made the choice (in this case) would be a lie. Does the wife not deserve to know that despite his having an affair (which I am in no way minimizing), that he ultimately chose his marriage over the OW? While it may or may not influence her decision, I think it's important that she receive the WHOLE truth.

 

No, I understood your point. I agree with you - my point was that, if the motivation is to hurt the BS or even the exMM or to get the marriage to break up, or whatever it may be, then giving the whole truth may not be the top priority of the OW... because I think what is said and how it is said depends totally on the reason it's being said in the first place. If the OW isn't doing it because she wants to help the BS know the truth, then what may be delivered is a twisted version of the truth, things left out or added, a less-than-desirable approach to telling it, etc.

[ilovedhim]

OP, not sure if you answered this already... why aren't you going NC with this guy? Everytime he contacts you it will hurt and you said yourself it's getting more and more awkward.

 

By the way approaching the wife in person is a baaaaaaaaaad idea.

[Spark1111]

fBS here....I do not care what your motivation is, and on some level, I'm not sure you do either.

 

Whether it is to hurt him, hurt her, I think you should tell. I think you need to tell. And I would have wanted to know no matter who told me or why they told me.

 

So, prepare for fallout you cannot imagine. Prepare to have the truth blow up in your face, because it can and does do that.

 

But, if at the end of your days you can say I told her the truth, even if it was for the wrong reasons, or reasons that may not have been totally empathetic, at least you told the truth.

 

Yes, I am sure he will be angry at you. Does and should that change things for you? Why?

 

You kept your 10-year affair secret from her, and he is COUNTING on you to continue to do the same.

 

The choice is your's. She may or may not believe you. he may lie about you to protect his azz....just shocked you'd spill the beans after all these years.

 

But she deserves to know, whether she believes you or him, or neither. Who cares?

 

At least YOU finally, someone, anyone, finally told her the truth.

 

What you cannot do is attach any outcome to it. He may be very angry. She may kick him to the curb or not. She may be angry at you. he may convince her you are crazy.

 

But I think part of you wants to tell, so tell.

[Pierre]

He wants to be "best friends" so you don't go full-on bunny boiler on him. It's called keeping your enemies close. He needs you to keep your mouth shut. He knows what would happen if he went complete NC with you.

 

 

 

That's bullsheet.

 

Again, these words are all part of damage control. If he really didn't want to hurt you, he would leave you alone. But he's afraid you're going to tell his wife, the boss, etc.

 

He's either done cheating on his wife or he has (or is grooming) another OW for a less complicated affair.

 

Everything going on right now (trying to keep you as calm as possible) is being done in order to protect himself and their marriage. The man knows you better than we do - if strangers able to sense that you're unraveling, you can absolutely bet he can sense it as well.

 

He's in damage control mode.

 

I agree with your post.

 

I want to add that some OWs lose perspective and objectivity. Just look at Lisa Nowak, Paula Broadwell, and Mary Ann Holder.

 

In fact, I believe many scorned OW in this forum are a bit off. So yes, the MM is in protect mode. Furthermore, a good MM is usually a very good smooth bull****ter, ha, ha.

[Artie Lang]

^yup. it's clear as day what he's doing.

 

like i said, you're too close to these people-- your lives overlap. that's why he wants your silence. his life would become a living hell if this were to be exposed.

 

better for one to suffer(namely you), rather than all of you; meaning him and his wife.

[Tara247]

Heart, after watching your posts unfold in this thread, with the mental state that you are now in, I don't think you should tell his wife now. I think you should go and heal first, get some help. It's very obvious that you are in a lot of pain. I don't think you'll be able to handle the negative fallout from telling, especially from the MM man should you get that. Who knows how hateful he may become. Go heal first, then decided to tell her if you want, like some others have suggested.

[ilovedhim]

How are you doing? ...you haven't updated

[Henni]

i wasn't a 2 month fling, it was 10 years, will they be able to fully reconcile after i show her the pictures and its embedded into her brain? we don't work in the same office, we work in the same building... i know i'm making all sorts of excuses but i really do feel crippled. and i cant believe all he can say is "sorry" and "i still care"

 

 

Heartbroken, I'm on here because I've gotten myself into an A recently and ended it after reading some of your posts. I responded to you before. For me, the thoughts of having this situation go on for 10 years, and to still be asking those same questions, terrified me. I can honestly say that it was reading your heartache and realising that I too could end up throwing 10 years of my life away on promises alone that made me realise what I was doing, where my self respect was going, and end it.

 

I think I'm on a bit of a high now from ending it, which may be dangerous, but reading now that you are still going through this pain and indecision makes me want to say something. It's not going to make you feel much better to know that your story was scary enough to make someone else end their A. But, taking as fact that now you are the only priority here, not him, not his wife, not anyone else, just YOU - I think that the first step is to realise that you've completely and utterly forgotten that you are supposed to be the priority in your life for the last 10 years or more. After all that time, it's not going to be easy to shift your thinking, it won't happen in a hurry. You will have to just behave as though you are the priority in your life for quite a while before you begin to feel it. So, who cares what others think of MM and his SO, what they think of each other, what he thinks of you, or what anyone else thinks of him. Why are you focussing on all that external ****? You need to get to a place where what matters is what you think of yourself. You are not going to be happy with or without any man before you respect yourself. I guess what i'm trying to say is, make that decision based on what you can respect yourself for. Not on what will happen to other people or what they will think or do, f- that. You've wasted years on that. Try to ask yourself 1. Will my work/friendship/daily situation and support structures I need to heal improve if I do XYZ? 2. Am I thinking about doing this because I am focussing on myself, or because I am focussing on other people? and 3. Are there more important things I should be thinking about/doing that will make me happy, rather than sad?

 

If you're thinking it might be possible to deal with this and change your way of thinking about yourself and others without outside help, or with help from the people on this forum, I think you are wrong. This goes way too deep now in your habitual thinking. You need a professional counsellor, please do that for yourself. And, you need to consciously block all thoughts relating to other people and give space for some thoughts about you.

 

Thank you for helping me. I hope I can return the favour and I send you a hug, even though the words seem harsh.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Henni

[Henni]

fBS here....

 

...she deserves to know, whether she believes you or him, or neither. Who cares?

 

At least YOU finally, someone, anyone, finally told her the truth.

 

What you cannot do is attach any outcome to it. He may be very angry. She may kick him to the curb or not. She may be angry at you. he may convince her you are crazy.

 

But I think part of you wants to tell, so tell.

 

I don't agree with this. What the BS does or does not deserve or want to know is not the most important issue here, OP needs to make HERSELF her priority, and forget about what anyone else needs or wants. No way she should be thinking about anyone else right now. My 2c!

[MourningLosses]

I don't agree with this. What the BS does or does not deserve or want to know is not the most important issue here, OP needs to make HERSELF her priority, and forget about what anyone else needs or wants. No way she should be thinking about anyone else right now. My 2c!

 

My sense is there's a chorus out there of BS who say she has only thought of herself up to now and it's time she did the reverse.

[Tenacity]

What the BS does or does not deserve or want to know is not the most important issue here, OP needs to make HERSELF her priority, and forget about what anyone else needs or wants. No way she should be thinking about anyone else right now. My 2c!

 

I'm sorry; in general, I do not agree with this. And I am not a BS but a former OW.

 

I agree that the OW (not just in this case but all cases) has been acting selfishly during the A. To not think of anyone but herself - not even consider what she has done to the BS - is just wrong. The OW is not the only person who was hurt. Plus, the OW made the decision to be in the situation - the BS didn't.

 

Having said that, in THIS case the OW needs to step back and get some perspective and be in a more stable place if and when she tells the BS.

 

Henni, I hope you reconsider your opinion. It's okay and necessary to take care of you. But... just thinking about yourself? Not worrying about anyone else? It's time to remember that other people were hurt by your actions, and finally think about someone else first. Yes, I've been there; I get how much it hurts. But it's time to act like adults and stop thinking from a self-centered perspective.

[Henni]

My sense is there's a chorus out there of BS who say she has only thought of herself up to now and it's time she did the reverse.

 

Well that may be the case and everyone is a product of their experiences, but my feeling (and I have been betrayed in the past) is that this particular poster needs to think of herself now and nobody else. I suspect many people end up in affairs because of low self esteem, that seems to me to be the case here and I am worried about this poster. I would like to know she is ok, and anyone who wants to point the finger at her can get a life, it takes two to tango, life is complicated.

[Henni]

I'm sorry; in general, I do not agree with this. And I am not a BS but a former OW.

 

I agree that the OW (not just in this case but all cases) has been acting selfishly during the A. To not think of anyone but herself - not even consider what she has done to the BS - is just wrong. The OW is not the only person who was hurt. Plus, the OW made the decision to be in the situation - the BS didn't.

 

Having said that, in THIS case the OW needs to step back and get some perspective and be in a more stable place if and when she tells the BS.

 

Henni, I hope you reconsider your opinion. It's okay and necessary to take care of you. But... just thinking about yourself? Not worrying about anyone else? It's time to remember that other people were hurt by your actions, and finally think about someone else first. Yes, I've been there; I get how much it hurts. But it's time to act like adults and stop thinking from a self-centered perspective.

 

Tenacity I respect what you're saying, really, and I'm glad you said in THIS case - because that is the point - every case IS different, despite recurring patterns, no two people are the same. This poster sounds on the edge and doesn't need anyone else pointing the finger or trying to punish her, she seems to be doing more than enough punishing herself, and has done so for so long that she can't see a way out. In my case, and I mean just my case, since the SO didn't and doesn't know the A ever took place, I don't think anyone got hurt, thank God. Really, thank God nobody found out. I also don't see why they should, regardless of divorce proceedings.

Edited November 20, 2012 by Henni

[Tenacity]

Tenacity I respect what you're saying, really, and I'm glad you said in THIS case - because that is the point - every case IS different, despite recurring patterns, no two people are the same. This poster sounds on the edge and doesn't need anyone else pointing the finger or trying to punish her, she seems to be doing more than enough punishing herself, and has done so for so long that she can't see a way out. In my case, since the SO didn't and doesn't know the A ever took place, I don't think anyone got hurt. I also don't see why they should.

 

Henni, I did not point a finger at her - in fact, having been in her shoes although shy a couple of years to her 10 year affair, I know quite well what she is going through. Just ask a few of the regular posters what a mess I was, and not all that long ago.

 

I just do not agree with you that just because your ex-MM's wife was blissfully ignorant of the affair, that she didn't get hurt. I'll never agree with that.

 

I just think that people in an A are selfish by definition and when the fantasy blows up, it's time to take responsibility and own some less than respectful decisions, not just bury it. I learned lessons from what I did. It does not mean I do not feel pain and empathy for the poster. I hope she is okay.

[Henni]

Henni, I did not point a finger at her - in fact, having been in her shoes although shy a couple of years to her 10 year affair, I know quite well what she is going through. Just ask a few of the regular posters what a mess I was, and not all that long ago.

 

I just do not agree with you that just because your ex-MM's wife was blissfully ignorant of the affair, that she didn't get hurt. I'll never agree with that.

 

I just think that people in an A are selfish by definition and when the fantasy blows up, it's time to take responsibility and own some less than respectful decisions, not just bury it. I learned lessons from what I did. It does not mean I do not feel pain and empathy for the poster. I hope she is okay.

 

Tenacity, I know you didn't point the finger, you showed compassion and as I said, I respect your opinion. I was reacting to 'she has only thought of herself up to now and it's time she did the reverse' stated above. I don't agree with that. In this case, I think the poster has spent 10 years of her life NOT thinking enough about or of herself, and even now she's thinking more about the MM and his SO than herself.

[Tenacity]

Tenacity, I know you didn't point the finger, you showed compassion and as I said, I respect your opinion. I was reacting to 'she has only thought of herself up to now and it's time she did the reverse' stated above. I don't agree with that. In this case, I think the poster has spent 10 years of her life NOT thinking enough about or of herself, and even now she's thinking more about the MM and his SO than herself.

 

I respect your opinion too. Thank you.

 

I would agree that people in affairs may not think enough about themselves. Where I differ is the part about thinking OF themselves. To be in an A with someone who is married, you pretty much are thinking more of yourself than of the person who the affair partner is married to. Am I wrong?

 

And yes, she's definitely thinking more about the BS now ... but not in a way that indicates any responsibility or regret. I understand it may take time and that's okay. It is tough and it is beyond painful. I just think that moving on means learning from mistakes and hurtful things done to others and owning them. It is just my perspective.