She cheated then left me for him... So shocked literally out of nowhere!

[justdisbelief]

Sorry this is kinda long, but im soooo lost!

 

In case I didnt show this in my ramblings below, this girl seemed to really love me. she told me all the time, we had amazing sex and she cared so much about family and hated cheaters. she would always talk about how cheating horrible and would even start to dislike her own friends if they cheated.

 

So here it goes... kinda long and probably poorly written, but if you have the time id love some feedback! this all feels so unreal, i feel like my whole life isnt real right now and im just in a haze!

 

I met this girl on my 27th birthday, i had seen her around before because we had mutual friends but she always had a bf so i never really spoke to her. but this night i heard they had just broke up and that i should go for her. im not really that kind of guy buy as the night went on and she showed a little interest i asked her what happened, she told me he had cheated on her for years with girls from craigslist and she had proof so at this point i showed some interest. i got her number and we hung out a few times and always had a really good time, she was the sweetest and just fun person that everyone instantly liked and not joking a 10. that combo isnt very common. it took us about 3 weeks of hanging out to slept together and from that point on we spent every free minute we had together... i got to know her very quickly and learned that she was very family oriented and could make friends with anyone easily. everyone i introduced her to loved her she was so sweet and seemed very nice and cared about everyone.

 

We were together officially after only knowing each other for two months and told each other we deeply loved one another around the same time. as we grew closer she told me that she was very insecure about cheating and that might cause some problems. but i assured her that im not like that and i loved her(which was true i could have never cheated on her) and i told her we spend every night together and she could look through my phone or facebook anytime.

 

Things went good for about 3 months, but as i said she is a very attractive girl and only 23. she always received alot of attention from from guys whenever we went out, even my own friends. at first it wasnt a problem but after a few months it started to get to me, she was always very flirty but i always chalked it up to her being a sweet heart. sometimes we would have little fights while we were out over this sort if thing, but would always make up and be fine really fast.

 

this went on for about 9 months then it happened we had a big fight and my jealously got the best of me and i said some mean things and put all her stuff outside my house and told her were done. obviously alcohol played a factor here and i woke up in the morning so regretful and tried to apologize as i had done prob 5-6 times in the past and it was always fine. i have a bit of a temper when i get really mad about something and she is super sensitive so yelling and name calling really affected her.

 

i didnt see her for weeks but she always called me crying saying how much she missed me and loved me and wished those things hadnt happened, she felt i hurt her to much to be able to move on. besides 5-6 fights were i got mad and said dumb things and yelled we were really good. i always did nice things for her and she constantly told me how much she loved me and wanted to marry me and nobody has ever treated her this way. i mean i treated her like a princess, always putting her first doing special things for her, whatever it took i loved making her happy.

 

we didnt unofficially get back together for 4 months and when we did it was back to the norm, she basically lived with me. we spent everynight together and things were really good. we talked constantly about being together for ever and having kids, she texted me all the time while we were at work that she loved me and missed me daily. then 3 weeks ago she was going out of town for 6 days for a wedding. this was the wedding of a good friend of mine and i had about 20 friends going and staying at this destination for 6 days. i couldnt go because of work. the night before she left felt like our honeymoon, i held her in my arms the entire night and we both expressed how much we were gonna miss eachother. her first day there she texted me normally and even told me that wed never be apart for 6 days again and that we were gonna be having our own wedding soon. then it all changed, the next day i heard from her once and it was so strange and cold, she just said "hi dude" and the same thing the next day. then i didnt here from her until she came back to the us, when she arrived home she texted me she was tired and going to stay home that night.

 

I knew something was very wrong so i began to call my friends and ask them if anything had happened. what they told me tore my heart out, she had slept with the grooms brother. i got his number and wanted to be 100 percent sure. when i talked to him i was even more shocked than before, he told me they slept together the first night there and the following 5 nights. so this wasnt a one time accident.

 

When i called her on the phone to tell her what i knew it was crazy, she was like a stranger like she didnt know me. I told her i knew all the details and all she said was "so" and said we werent even really together. she showed no remorse and never even appoligized. 2 weeks after all this this guy is already her boyfriend, I hear there together all the time and seem really happy. I havent tryed to contact her and she hasnt said a thing to me... I am so lost, never in a million years would have seen this coming.

 

So thats it, me nor my friends or my mom who was very close with her and she just told a month ago that she wanted to be her daughter in law in the near future can figure it out... Sadly enough i still want her back.

[dasein]

You dodged a huge bullet. Have been where you are in very similar circumstances, and it will hurt for some time, but after a while you will realize how lucky you are to get shed. Take out the trash, don't pine for it.

[justdisbelief]

Thanks for your support, So im sure you understand my feelings right now. I just dont understand how someone could do that, when she left everything was good and she even texted me the first day how much she loved me and wanted to spend forever with me. Its like something happened or are people just crazy sometimes, I could never do that if I felt the way she did and literally within 24 hours of sleeping with me and being so close to me she could sleep with someone else, BPD? did you ever figure anything out in your situation?

[dasein]

It's funny you mention BPD, mine actually was, it wasn't a matter of my armchair diagnosis, but of her being diagnosed with many other things that didn't come out on the front end until I was hooked. If that's the case with yours, you will see truly bizarre behavior, not just cheating, but turning into an infant before your eyes after they think you are hooked enough (not just crying but acting and talking like a little girl), absolute terror of separation for any length of time, it's pretty obvious stuff.

 

Learn from my mistake of wasting too much time pondering though. It doesn't really matter why cheaters do what they do, their specific behavior or pathology, just that they did it and you can't be with that sort of person. You may try to rationalize her into a better light, she got drunk, got hit on, whatever, a million possibilities where your mind plays tricks, but the fact is you don't want to be with someone in a relationship who doesn't respect you or the relationship. It has to be over. It has to be the end, especially if there isn't marriage or kids to complicate things. You got set free, and it may take a long time as in months, but if you can focus away from her actions, and just on your resolve, you can shortcut that process some and find better prospects. People of any acceptable character who respect their SO don't sleep with someone in obvious view of everyone at a wedding day after day after day, just focus on that and don't let your mind play tricks on you. Pure NC, don't write or accept emails or texts, don't even read them. Stay active and get involved in something else, work it out at the gym. Good luck.

[justdisbelief]

It's funny you mention BPD, mine actually was, it wasn't a matter of my armchair diagnosis, but of her being diagnosed with many other things that didn't come out on the front end until I was hooked. If that's the case with yours, you will see truly bizarre behavior, not just cheating, but turning into an infant before your eyes after they think you are hooked enough (not just crying but acting and talking like a little girl), absolute terror of separation for any length of time, it's pretty obvious stuff.

 

Learn from my mistake of wasting too much time pondering though. It doesn't really matter why cheaters do what they do, their specific behavior or pathology, just that they did it and you can't be with that sort of person. You may try to rationalize her into a better light, she got drunk, got hit on, whatever, a million possibilities where your mind plays tricks, but the fact is you don't want to be with someone in a relationship who doesn't respect you or the relationship. It has to be over. It has to be the end, especially if there isn't marriage or kids to complicate things. You got set free, and it may take a long time as in months, but if you can focus away from her actions, and just on your resolve, you can shortcut that process some and find better prospects. People of any acceptable character who respect their SO don't sleep with someone in obvious view of everyone at a wedding day after day after day, just focus on that and don't let your mind play tricks on you. Pure NC, don't write or accept emails or texts, don't even read them. Stay active and get involved in something else, work it out at the gym. Good luck.

Your absolutely right, and i have been trying to paint her in a better light. its so hard for your opinion of somebody to go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I thought she was such a good person, I always stood up for her and never once in 16 months spoke an ill word of her, then thats all just switched and gone in an instant. So strange and hard to grasp, but you are right, it has to be done it will just take time. thank you so much for your input, its nice to know theres other people who have been though this because at first i felt like i did something wrong, like theres no other way someone could do that unless i did something. I even started to wonder if someone at that wedding had made up a lie about me, someone who didnt much care for me? but like you said i cant waste my time pondering all of that, just have to accept what happened and try to hel. again man thanks alot youve been a huge help!

[Stillalive1]

She is not a good person,she hurted u,she cheated on u,she lied to u and she played u,be thankful is not your problem anymore,same thing happened to me,it's just bad luck. One day they love u,and the day after they love someone else,rationally is not possible.

[Chi townD]

You know what dude. She did you sooooo wrong. And, this isn't the last time you'll hear from her. Sooner or later, she's going to start to feel guilty on how she treated you. That will probably happen when the "newness" of the relationship wears off. A lot of women hate the fact that there might be a person on this planet that actually hates them or doesn't think that they're a nice person. So, she may reach out to you to see where your head is at.

 

You give her nothing! Your silence will speak volumes. Don't let her ease her guilt. Like someone else said, you dodged a bullet. She told you that she had a moral compass and then she cheats on you. So, she's a cheater and a liar.

 

Time to heal and move on you. Go complete NC on her. She isn't worth your time.

[justdisbelief]

I cant express how much everyone on here has helped me... I have never posted or even really came on these things before but after this happened I had to try anything. Thank you all for putting it to me bluntly, it really helps to hear it from people with unbiased opinions, just telling it like it is. And you guys are all right, she is just not a good person and I'll never talk to her again no matter how hard she trys. I think had I not came on here I might have cracked, but you guys have made me think differently, I just hope I can stay strong. I'm sure she will try to reach out to me, even possibly come back. Not to toot my own horn but I really treated this girl very well. I made some mistakes as everybody does but day to day I constantly went out of my way to make her feel special and to know that I loved her, I did anything she ever needed without thinking twice and with a smile on my face. Im now 28 and have only had 2 gfs and not because I cant but because I have to really like someone to even start dating them and then once I love someone I give everything I can and dont play games, I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with and someone who truly loves me and that obviously wasnt her....

Edited November 15, 2012 by justdisbelief

[dasein]

And, this isn't the last time you'll hear from her.

 

This is another great point as is the whole post. Now in the aftermath is when you must stay NC without exception. She has had sex with a total stranger, he may not want a GF, things are iffy for whatever reason. She will call you seeking attention and trying to keep you around as an option while she solidifies things with the other guy. To you, it will look like she is feeling regret, she may cry, say whatever, ANYTHING to keep you around until she feels the new guy is solid, then she will instantly poof, leaving you to go through the breakup pangs all over again. Don't be that guy, I have and it sucks worse than the cheating when you realize what is going on and how you have been fooled.

[Miky]

I cant express how much everyone on here has helped me... I have never posted or even really came on these things before but after this happened I had to try anything. Thank you all for putting it to me bluntly, it really helps to hear it from people with unbiased opinions, just telling it like it is. And you guys are all right, she is just not a good person and I'll never talk to her again no matter how hard she trys. I think had I not came on here I might have cracked, but you guys have made me think differently, I just hope I can stay strong. I'm sure she will try to reach out to me, even possibly come back. Not to toot my own horn but I really treated this girl very well. I made some mistakes as everybody does but day to day I constantly went out of my way to make her feel special and to know that I loved her, I did anything she ever needed without thinking twice and with a smile on my face. Im now 28 and have only had 2 gfs and not because I cant but because I have to really like someone to even start dating them and then once I love someone I give everything I can and don't play games, I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with and someone who truly loves me and that obviously wasn't her....

 

 

 

BIG MISTAKE dude

 

you literally cancelled yourself, you became a servant,a door mat, catered for every whim or any need of hers, you are a "Nice Guy" and as much as it hurts and sound bizarre, Nice guys always finish last, a young woman at her age does not appreciate a "nice guy" she is attracted to the "bad boys" type and not the Nice Guy, loose that attitude or your next relationship will suffer the same fate, I don't say you need to be a jXrk, be a gentle man but at the same time don't cancel yourself

 

I have been there in your shoes , done the same mistake learned my lesson , (you can read from my posts )

[justdisbelief]

Miky, Unfortuantly I think your right... Ive witnessed this in the past and fully understood it. But I thought for some reason she was different, she was so sweet and seemed so nice and told me she just wanted to be married(to me) and have a family so I thought those games were over. Its hard for me to strike a balance and not make this mistake, when I love someone I want to make her happy and spend everyday with her. I feel like I'm screwed its hard for me to change this but I learned this time it doesnt matter the girl, their all wired the same...

Edited November 15, 2012 by justdisbelief

[Miky]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/285540-do-we-ever-truly-move

 

justdisbelief

 

read that post, my story is there, I was in your shoes 25 years ago, had the most beautiful and smartest girl as my girlfriend, did exactly what you did, and you don't need to guess where this has brought me with her, saw her first time after 25 years on facebook, believe me it was cathartic experience seeing her after so many years she is far from the ideal woman these days, she had a ticket to ride on the karma bus, your ex is in for a ride as well.

 

The best revenge is for you to live a full life and create a family with someone you love, and treats you well, appreciate what you have to offer and reciprocate to your love, this girl had no respect for you at all, so don't try to make someone a priority when she treated you as a temporary option, just use that as a very good experience and what not to do in your next relationship, believe me her leaving saved you loads of future grief had you married her, consider yourself lucky, and I don't say that to make you feel good

Edited November 15, 2012 by Miky

[seibert253]

Here's what you should do:

Right now, get down on your knees and thank God that he she showed her true self NOW. Not after ten years of M and a couple of kids.

 

God was on your side on this one.

[karnak]

It isn't a matter of you being a "nice guy" or not. If you were a "bad boy" you'd also be dumped or cheated on later.

 

She's a liar and manupulator by nature. Most of the decent and honest women I've met in life are not judgemental at all.

 

The fact that she says she "hates cheaters and cheating" speaks a lot about her true colours. Deep down she's a slefish bitch and she creates a facade in order to manipulate people and attain her goals.

 

Trust me. Her life will be filled with doomed relationships, cheating and divorce. Are you a rich guy? Probably not. That's why she dumped you, probably because she found a guy with a higher social status.

 

As some people have told you here, you dodged a bullet. If you married her, you'd be a cuckold later on. Keep being true to yourself and wait for the right woman to appear.

 

And remember: women can be masters at manipulation. That's why she even had your mother fooled.

[justdisbelief]

Karnak

 

I think your right, I wish I could have spotted that from the beginning. I guess its a good lesson to learn, like I said its only my second serious relationship and Im 28. I just wish she had done it the right way, broke up with me if her feelings had changed and then moved on. Then I wouldnt feel so deceived, and despite it all I dont like feeling this way about her now... It sucks that everything can change literally overnight. I'm scared to ever trust anyone again but you guys have helped me to spot some red flags and now I can use this knowledge in the future. Again thanks again for all the support input and advice...

[drifter777]

This is another great point as is the whole post. Now in the aftermath is when you must stay NC without exception. She has had sex with a total stranger, he may not want a GF, things are iffy for whatever reason. She will call you seeking attention and trying to keep you around as an option while she solidifies things with the other guy. To you, it will look like she is feeling regret, she may cry, say whatever, ANYTHING to keep you around until she feels the new guy is solid, then she will instantly poof, leaving you to go through the breakup pangs all over again. Don't be that guy, I have and it sucks worse than the cheating when you realize what is going on and how you have been fooled.

 

You are getting a lot of good advice and support here and I hope you are strong enough to do the right thing and dump her. To that point, she is a selfish, manipulating bitch and I expect she will want to keep you around to stroke her ego as long as it feels good to her. And when she comes slithering up to you begging your forgiveness and flaunting her sexuality to get you to overlook her slutty behavior you must be strong. The first time is the most important time and if you are able to be strong and tell her "go away. Done is done - the sight of her makes me sick" then your future is bright.

Edited November 16, 2012 by drifter777

[Darren Steez]

I consider myself a manly man but I'm going to go ahead and give you a year big cyber hug.

Listen dude whem it comes to the affairs of the heart, its always easier to advice someone rather than the one who's feeling it or living it. But what you have I'm here, is a huge wealth of experience of people who have lived with and through cheating and come out the other end. Right now you're probably looking at her Facebook/texts/email etc, much of you will pine for her, waiting for that text/phone call or any kind of contact.

 

Is a woman who can throw you under a bus and not give a f*@$ about hurting you so. greatly all the while banging some other dude worth a single second more of your valuable precious time?

NO!!!

Make yourself proud, stand up for yourself and be a man. Live your life and enjoy it, you deserve better and will get better. She's a loser. Good luck

[sayyes19]

I consider myself a manly man but I'm going to go ahead and give you a year big cyber hug.

Listen dude whem it comes to the affairs of the heart, its always easier to advice someone rather than the one who's feeling it or living it. But what you have I'm here, is a huge wealth of experience of people who have lived with and through cheating and come out the other end. Right now you're probably looking at her Facebook/texts/email etc, much of you will pine for her, waiting for that text/phone call or any kind of contact.

 

Is a woman who can throw you under a bus and not give a f*@$ about hurting you so. greatly all the while banging some other dude worth a single second more of your valuable precious time?

NO!!!

Make yourself proud, stand up for yourself and be a man. Live your life and enjoy it, you deserve better and will get better. She's a loser. Good luck

Having the rug swept out from under you can ruin your life for a little while. Just try and make good decisions while you are healing and time will take care of the hurt.

[justdisbelief]

So I havent been on here in a while, prob a week or so... Ive been trying to stay really busy and only come home to sleep. Ive for obvious reasons stayed strong on the NC but I'm not getting any better. its almost exactly a month and i thought id be getting better by now but thanksgiving actually made it much worse! I know every year her and her family go to thier vacation house and stay out there for the thanksgiving weekend and do all sorts of fun stuff and i know for a fact she took her new BF... I just cant unsterstand how someone can do that, we were just together. We had talked about this trip and i even talked with her parents about it and how fun it was gonna be and then like that out of nowhere theres someone else there in my spot!?! its ****ing crazy to me... And for some strange reason I keep hoping to here from her, just to say sorry or anything because she never did. she went from being the sweetest and most caring person id ever met to the coldest overnight... Still lost and confused and wondering from those of you out there with experinace in this how long it takes before ill feel even slighty better, like i said i actually feel worse right now and its been a month. I cant stop thinking if she really loves this guy? how can that happen so fast or its just a rebound to help her get over our realathionship edning which is hard to believe though seeing as she was the one who ended it...

[salparadise]

And for some strange reason I keep hoping to here from her, just to say sorry or anything because she never did. she went from being the sweetest and most caring person id ever met to the coldest overnight... Still lost and confused and wondering from those of you out there with experinace in this how long it takes before ill feel even slighty better, like i said i actually feel worse right now and its been a month. I cant stop thinking if she really loves this guy? how can that happen so fast or its just a rebound to help her get over our realathionship edning which is hard to believe though seeing as she was the one who ended it...

 

I'm sorry man, I know it's hard. I went through something similar once and can tell you a few things that might help. First, a month is not nearly enough time. If you really loved this girl then it's going to be more like 6 months to start feeling quite a bit better, and a year or maybe more to get to the point where you don't think about her any more.

 

Second thing is that I do believe, as some speculated, that she may have a personality disorder. A whole, loving person could not do what she did. Even given a relationship ending mistake, a whole person would have much remorse and be nearly as torn up as you over it. She just tossed you to the curb like one discards an old piece of furniture when a new piece is delivered. That's not something a healthy person can do. Assuming this theory is correct, what she said was love was actually fear of abandonment. The fights you described, and the flirty behavior also support this probability.

 

If this is the case, and I believe it probably is, then what you saw was a facade and not the real person. What you have experienced over the past month is the reality of her disorder. You were unknowingly drawn into her play... it was an act, an elaborate fabrication, a defense mechanism. She doesn't realize it either of course, but it's her destiny and it plays out over and over. There isn't much chance of curing this disorder. It may help to read about Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

For you, the way to think about it is that you were duped by someone who didn't even know they were running a con. It hurts. Just realize that it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't something she did maliciously because she was only trying to assuage her own feelings of emptiness, loneliness and pain. You were the temporary solution to that problem for her and so is the guy she's with now. It went fast, marriage came up way too soon. These are typical. It was doomed before it started.

 

What you have to do is learn how to discern between healthy people and disordered. Learn the difference between love and neediness. She needed you, and then one day she no longer needed you. Accepting what happened for what it was is that way to resolve the feelings. Don't try to assign normal, healthy expectations to her and wonder why she didn't act accordingly. Lack of object constancy is also a clue––they don't really feel your existence when you aren't there. It wasn't personal, it was to you but not to her... neither the attachment or the breakup. It's just a matter of who could best meet her needs in the moment.

 

So don't try to explain her behavior, it isn't rational and it isn't what we expect of normal people. Don't blame yourself, just heal and learn about healthy minds, emotions and attachment styles.

 

Best to you-

[karnak]

I know every year her and her family go to thier vacation house and stay out there for the thanksgiving weekend and do all sorts of fun stuff and i know for a fact she took her new BF... I just cant unsterstand how someone can do that, we were just together. We had talked about this trip and i even talked with her parents about it and how fun it was gonna be and then like that out of nowhere theres someone else there in my spot!?!

 

The fact that her family has accepted your "replacement" with such ease it's a proof that she's not the only piece of trash in that house.

Forget the "personality disorder" stuff. Her and her parents are probably trash. I've met quite a lot of families that way.

 

Not really sick people. Usually more "players" and "gold-diggers" sort of people.

[GSB81]

My last girlfriend was bipolar. It didn't manifest itself till about 6 months into the relationship. We were having a spat one day, nothing serious, and it was like someone flipped a switch. Her voice changed, facial expression changed, and I just stood there in shock. It was like dealing with a possessed person. She became something else. That was the beginning of some weird behavior. I wasn't the only one to notice. Her friends were asking me what the hell was wrong with her. She's 31 and started acting like a teenager. Started hanging out with 20 year old girls. She got to where she always had to be out running around and shopping, huge bouts of mania. I stopped by her house one night at like 10 and she started yelling at me saying how I knew she had to have her ******* sleep or she might have a seizure (epilepsy).This floored me. Shed been out with her friends 3 nights in a row till like 3 am, but now she needs sleep? There's no logic with people like this. For the first 6 months we were on cloud 9, then she became someone else. It's normal for you to miss your girl because you are missing the good times. It hurts, but you can never go back to them with this girl. Think of her as being dead, cause she pretty much is. Good luck man, and appreciate the lesson. If we over think situations like this, how will we ever feel secure in another relationship? I'll always remember the moment I witnessed my sweet girlfriend turn into a monster before my very eyes.

Edited November 25, 2012 by GSB81

[justdisbelief]

Wow... The more and more feedback I get the better I feel... You guys are right, But unfortunately I still love her or what I thought of her I guess. Its still hard to grasp that it was all fake, I really thought after a year and a half of spending so much time with someone you would know them well enough to know that they are not completely heartless and capable of doing that but i guess I was waaay wrong... Seeing as this was only my second relationship I guess I've got alot to learn. But still looking back and after all the great insight you guys have provided me Im still having a hard time seeing where I went wrong or what I missed? Am I just being dumb here, because honestly before this happened I would have bet my life against it ever happening. I never worried about her going anywhere without me, she could go to Vegas for bachelorette partys or whatever and I was fine. I never checked her phone and never felt the need to, she never game me 1 reason to doubt her or acted shady. It just really scares me, I'm almost 30 and really dont wanna go through this again...

[Chi townD]

What makes you think that You did anything wrong? Did you cheat? Did you toss her to the curb like she was a piece of trash?

 

Dude, you held on to your moral compass. You treated your relationship with respect and dignity.

 

Now.....tell me exactly what YOU did wrong.....

[justdisbelief]

I mean "did wrong" in the sense of not being able to see her for what she was, not having any idea? And even in hindsight I cant see any signs, So it just scares me it just makes me like either I just cant trust anyone and basically lose all faith or Im an idiot and did something "wrong" by not seeing this happening.