She cheated then left me for him... So shocked literally out of nowhere!

[Chi townD]

Dude, trust me. She screwed up. And then she took the cowards way out. Sooner or later the guilt of what she did is going to eat at her. And she may want to contact you. For most woman, that can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that doesn't think they're a nice person or hates them. So, she may want to see where your head is at. Especially if this relationship she's in now starts to turn sour.

 

In the meantime, work on yourself. Make positive changes to your life. Take a trip somewhere! Go see something, go party somewhere!

[justdisbelief]

Thanks everyone for the support and input, i like having somewhere to go and talk and not have to hide anything... Its different with people I actually know, they all have their own opinions and views and I'm slightly embarrased by the whole thing anyways. I feel like people who know what happened look at me and feel sorry or pity me and I dont like that, some people make jokes and tell me I just couldnt satisfy her sexually! Its a ****ty situation all around.

 

Is it weird to have a small part of me miss her and actually want her to come back? For some reason I still feel like she couldnt be that horrible, I almost feel bad for her and I dont know why? I know I could never be with her that I just couldnt live with it knowing what I know but i still have these thoughts... Have any of you felt the same way at times?

[salparadise]

Is it weird to have a small part of me miss her and actually want her to come back? For some reason I still feel like she couldnt be that horrible, I almost feel bad for her and I dont know why? I know I could never be with her that I just couldnt live with it knowing what I know but i still have these thoughts... Have any of you felt the same way at times?

 

Yes, I do know what you're feeling. You had genuine feelings for her, you had what seemed like a stable relationship, those wonderful hormones in your brain were keeping your pleasure receptors bathed in something money can't buy. Then, it was like you woke up from the best dream of your life and you're not ready for it to be over. Your mind is trying to negotiate a reprieve. You cannot reconcile how you were treated with who you thought she was. It's just going to take time to equilibrate. The best thing I can tell you is don't try to reconcile it or rationalize it. Just accept that you were caught up in an unhealthy, coping type of attachment to a disordered person. How can I be sure? Because healthy people cannot love one day and throw someone away without a second glance the next day. It doesn't work that way. Borderlines, histrionics and sociopaths can do it because they're not capable of the same kind of attachment that the rest of us are. They create pseudo attachments that the believe are real, but it's more like how normal people attach to their possessions than the emotions we experience when we love.

[dasein]

I still miss certain aspects of women who cheated on me and remember fun times, that's natural for you to do. Once you have had no contact for months, maybe many months, you will start to appreciate a thought now and again of good times while simultaneously realizing what a bullet you dodged. That's the good times, because you will know she is making some other guy miserable and cheating on him despite having some nice memories. She -will- call again, I had one cheater from 2004 start calling and emailing me in the last month out of the blue. Probably got caught cheating with some other guy and is on the outs with her current BF, so is shoring up "men" from the past for some positive feedback on her wretched life and attention supply. You will know you are moved on when your reply to that kind of thing is "hey we had some good times"... then after 2 minutes of whatever hook they are baiting, "listen I gotta run, good hearing from you." Your next phase is resisting feeding the vampire, because it will rise from the dead, sooner or later. Don't get sucked or suckered. Good luck.

[ascendotum]

The fact that her family has accepted your "replacement" with such ease it's a proof that she's not the only piece of trash in that house.

Forget the "personality disorder" stuff. Her and her parents are probably trash. I've met quite a lot of families that way.

 

Not really sick people. Usually more "players" and "gold-diggers" sort of people.

 

Like in so many relationship bust ups, there is his version, her version and the truth. In this case though its a pretty B&W clear cut case of impulsive cheating by her. There is no way she is going to tell her family that. She is going to tell them about how he is unreasonable, emotionally abusive, boozes, says nasty stuff to her, throws her stuff outside the house and broke up with her (as outlined in the OP even though that is not the crux of the breakup). She probably throws in how she also suspected he was cheating as the cherry on top. Her family are going to feel bad about the OP thinking how he deceived them into thinking he was such a nice guy for their daughter. People paint their own picture to others all the time.

 

OP - I also think its going to take up to 6 months to fully get over her, given that its been a month and you are still reeling. When you get the rug pulled out from under you, it just takes longer to heal. In the absence of someone else to focus on, you can't help but relive those great memories that you had with the ex.

Edited November 29, 2012 by ascendotum

[GSB81]

I mean "did wrong" in the sense of not being able to see her for what she was, not having any idea? And even in hindsight I cant see any signs, So it just scares me it just makes me like either I just cant trust anyone and basically lose all faith or Im an idiot and did something "wrong" by not seeing this happening.

 

 

It's simple, you trusted her. This leads you to take your guard down. I used to trust blindly, but not any more. It's a catch 22. If they know you don't trust them, they say it pushes them away. If they know you do trust them, some use it to get away with crap.

[justdisbelief]

So last night went out with some friends to a local bar a spot weve both gone alot and sure enough she was there and without her new BF.... I acted completly normal but did start to drink alot... she was standing at the bar right near the bathroom and I really had to pee so I walked by her and she grabbed my Then later she came right up to me and my friends and tried talking to me at which point i told her to get away from me and she did... Then this morning I received a text from her saying she doesnt know why we cant be mature adults and be friendly towards one another! I cant ****ing believe her, is she insane? How can she expect me to be cool with her, she acted as if nothing ever happened... All in all it was horrible seeing her and it made it even worse her trting to talk to me and texting me like she never did anything wrong.

[dasein]

Ugh, what a selfish pig. Of course she wants you to "act like an adult" and downplay her bad actions, damage control and self-image boost for her. If she had a shred of decency she would clear out whenever you are around. That she doesn't, and behaves as she does, says all you need to know about her character and incredibly privileged attitude. In the future, at least for several months, simply avoid places she is, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.

[aed]

So last night went out with some friends to a local bar a spot weve both gone alot and sure enough she was there and without her new BF.... I acted completly normal but did start to drink alot... she was standing at the bar right near the bathroom and I really had to pee so I walked by her and she grabbed my Then later she came right up to me and my friends and tried talking to me at which point i told her to get away from me and she did... Then this morning I received a text from her saying she doesnt know why we cant be mature adults and be friendly towards one another! I cant ****ing believe her, is she insane? How can she expect me to be cool with her, she acted as if nothing ever happened... All in all it was horrible seeing her and it made it even worse her trting to talk to me and texting me like she never did anything wrong.

 

She is doing just someself dammage control. Respond that you don't want to speak with her (and put in some of your anger into it, if you want) But I think 'the silent treatment' will be one of the best solutions, just Ignore her completely.

[justdisbelief]

Oh I defiantly plan on ignoring her and basically trying to avoid her. There was another instance last week were I was going out in a large group for an event and it was on facebook and she saw it through mutual friends that I was going, she then liked the status so i knew for sure she saw it then I got a call from a friend who said she was coming with some people in the group that I dont really know. I had planned on going to this for days so I wasnt going to back out because of her but luckily she must have been bluffing cause she didnt end up going...

 

Then Ive also heard through a friend of hers boyfriend that she talks about me and feels she may have made a mistake and its not at all the same with the guy. But then I see pictures of them out doing all kinds of stuff and she seems pretty happy to me!

 

All this **** just makes it hard to move and get better everyday... theres always something that sets me back and honestly I cant stop thinking about the whole situation, its all i think about 24-7! I wish she would make it a little easier, I wish she would have gave me some form of closure and at least an explanation and then disappeared and maybe waited more than a week to change her FB status and start posting pics... Its like she wants to hurt me? But then I here the other stuff like I did from her friends boyfriend and I get all mixed up...

[Chi townD]

Its like she wants to hurt me?

 

 

DUDE!!!! You're hurting yourself!!!! Come on!! You go to a bar that you two used to frequent A LOT!!! Have you ever heard of the Law of Averages?!?!

 

You need to distance yourself from all the things you used to do together. Find a new watering hole to haunt! Get a new hobby that takes you out of the norm so you don't think about her too often! You can't think, I remember when me and the Ex did this because guess what? YOU AND THE EX NEVER DID THAT TOGETHER!!! It's an entirely new experience for you.

 

Does this make sense?

[justdisbelief]

Thats very true, its hard though... I have a pretty big group of friends that I have been friends with for anywhere from 5-15 years so these are the people I naturally want to be with right now and unfortunatly where i live everyone knows everyone and she has alot of mutaul friends so its bound to happen. But i do need to find something else to do you are right im just still in that spot where im not doing to good and dont ever want to be alone so i just kinda go with whatevers going on with these friends.

 

Thanks for your input though it does make sense its just all hard right now...

[Chi townD]

Look, I understand that....there's a possibility of running into her in a small rural area.....but, you need to talk to your closest friends and tell them how you're feeling. And I TOTALLY understand need friends by your side right now. But, you seriously need to start looking for other avenues to explore!

 

Look, when my Ex cheated on me. A bunch of buddies and me planned a whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia. We got together, figured out how much each of us needed to save and when we were going to do this. And they knew that; yes, it was an adventure and we've never done anything like this before, but they knew that I NEEDED to get away!

 

Believe me, talk to your close friends. They'll support you and help you through this. Just like we're trying to do.

[aed]

Just listen to Chi TownD

 

I would also advise you go to your local MMA (or just martial arts) gym. And train just for a few months there. Not for beating up people, but I believe it will help you get the negative feelings out of your system. It will also help you get in really good shape, and it will help for a boost of selfesteem

[justdisbelief]

Chi town D... First, thank you for taking your time to post and respond to help out a complete stranger. Alot of what has been said on here has helped me immensely. And secondly thats a great idea, I never really thought of that Ive kinda been trapped in this box!

 

AED... I already workout alot and have found that it does help at times and ive already made some pretty good progress. but sometimes its weird when im at the gym i just want to leave i cant even focus on what im trying to do right in front of me. but yeah maybe switching it up would be good.

[aed]

That's why i advocate doing things like MMA.

[Chi townD]

That's why i advocate doing things like MMA.

 

LOL!!! Sorry, that made me giggle, but in retrospect, you're right on the mark. There's a HUGE world out there and there's a lot more to do than what's your town and the other towns around you have to offer.

 

Talk to your friends about a trip. Pick a place or an activity that you've always wanted to do. Do your homework, Find out the cost split between however many of you are going...pick a date....and go! Deep sea fishing in Key West, running cattle in Arizonia, Dog sledding in Minnesota. Or just being a beach bum in the Bahama's. Go see the world! In the meantime, you can be content that your Ex is just hanging out at the same old bar, doing the same old thing.

[Darren Steez]

You're not angry enough dude, let me spell it out for ya

That hand that grabbed your **** is the same hand that holds his *****

That mouth that talked to you, is the same mouth that left you to go **** his *****

 

She went home that night probably shocked that doormat she left actually stood up to her and wasn't taken in by her BS

Now for you don't take this as a sign of victory over her, or that this new man is the man whom in your heart you hope to win her back..NO!

 

This is not about her, what you did was for you, right now she's only thinking about herself just like she did when she threw you under a bus, and banged this guy who she's still banging.

 

You put yourself first, well done. Now don't stand for anything less the being first, a heart scarred by cheating is a tough one, it makes you weary and cautious. But now you have a fresh start, so move on.

 

Block her number from your phone, she's playing head games with you when you're trying to heal, remember it's not for her, it's for you. Live your life brah

[magnoliasoutherly]

You have truly gotten some great advice here. I wish I had seen this thread earlier. Unfortunately, I don't have much else to add. You just sound like a nice guy and wanted you to know that you're well rid of her.

[AH1990]

...Then Ive also heard through a friend of hers boyfriend that she talks about me and feels she may have made a mistake and its not at all the same with the guy. But then I see pictures of them out doing all kinds of stuff and she seems pretty happy to me!...

 

People can always put on a false sense of how they feel. Facebook being one of the main things. I can post pictures of me smiling and 'having fun' all I want, but at the end of the day the only person that knows if I'm truly happy is myself.

 

Delete her out of your life in every way possible. The fact that you still have her # in your phone says lots. Everything that ever reminds you of her needs to be gone. Emails, texts, clothing etc.

 

I've been in your shoes before. The best feeling I had was when I stopped making her part of my happiness.

[NiceGuyDTW]

OP, I am what you would have become if you married her. I've been divorced for 2 years from someone that sounds exactly like your ex. My ex is a nutjob, and probably has a personality disorder. I was married for 9 yrs,and dated for 3 yrs before that. At no point did any of her craziness show up until the end. We have two kids together, and she trashed the whole marriage after she met l with her HS friend on Facebook. I'm in a much better place now, and thankful my marriage is over. But we still have two kids to raise, and she uses them all the time. So be thankful it ended now, and not 10 yrs down the line. Cut your loses, and move on...it's tough but believe me you will thank her for it. I did!

[justdisbelief]

AH1990- Thats true cause I "appear" happy right now everytime im out and in all my pics on instagram or fb... but i certainly am not happy at all. I really thought after 6 weeks id be a little better but i still feel like i did day 1. I have deleted everything but i just rmemebered her number in my head, i got everything out that had anything at all to do with her, every single thing shed ever given or anything tied to us. its like she never existed but i cant get her out of my mind, its so bad im moving cause i cant stand being in my house i have to many memories of her here she was here everyday and night and even though it was only a short while it still reminds me, i see her everywhere i look in my house.

 

Niceguydtw- first off thank you for sharing it helps me to realize im not the only one, i really felt like that for a while. i thought this was so crazy its never happened to anyone but thats obviously not true. secondly im so sorry to hear that though, your right im lucky. i cant imagine how id feel after that long and the kids and everything, im so so sorry man. i hope your doing well youve got to be a pretty strong person to deal with that. i know ill be ok and get over this just gonna take me a long long time. ive done what everyone has said, NC, got rid of anything that is related to her but the one thing i cant do i thinking of her literally every second of everydy... is that normal? i hate it all i think about is her, her and me, him and her... just everything to do with it! its been hell, its been about 6 weeks and has felt like 6 years, i feel numb it consumes me and makes me misreable and i try to drink myself to sleep everynight but even that with a sleeping pill barely allows me to get 2-3 hours a night. i really feel like im handling this alot worse than i should be?

[justdisbelief]

Well this is prob the update... Some people may not believe this, She went to Vegas with him spur of the moment... No luggage no clothes no nothing and got married! just the two of them were there. This has messed my head up beyond belief, just dont get that!?? How can anyone marry someone they have only known for 6 weeks?!? Does this just really solidify that fact that she is certifiably crazy? And why does it effect me so badly? I feel worse now than I have at any stage of this whole process!

[Balzac]

You feel badly because you believe she made a mistake? You feel badly because of the affect on your kids?

 

What real difference does it make if she's crazy? Her actions do not reflect on you. She's running her own game.

[justdisbelief]

I dont know if she made a mistake or not? just so fast, never seen anyone get married so quickly... And luckily no kids! Doesnt really make a difference if she crazy or not your right, but it would just make me feel a little better because at this point im starting feel like im crazy.