Friggin Fed Up And Sick and Tired of "Recovery"

[cavalier99]

BU 2 Month - 6 Weeks NC.

 

I sick of a feeling like a f-ing pussy.

 

I'm tired or worrying about how my Ex is doing and what she might be thinking and if she misses me, which I'm sure she doesn't.

 

I'm tired of fantasising how we might have a conversation one day when I'm 100 percent over her and when she is married and has kids with someone else, and how Ill tell her it was for the best etc. and how happy I am for her and how happy she is for me.

 

I'm tired of thinking about how I might run into one of her friends and we will have this a great conversation and Ill be so strong and will tell her how I don't want to know anything about my Ex. But of course she will tell my EX about how great I look and how I'm doing awesome --What kind of stupid fantasy is that??

 

I'm pissed about being on this forum.

 

I'm just so mad about feeling Im in recovery over a EX Girlfriend

 

(Its like been sentenced to a 12 step program for the rest of my life that I don't really need).

 

Everyone goes thru this **** (including myself) so why is it so hard for me this tim. Why am I even worried about this? Mayby deep deep down Im afraid Ill never get over this and will never love again and all this really has nothing to do with my Ex?

 

I'm sick of meditating an reading about the stages of recovery. (althought all this has helped me)

 

I'm tired of feeling compassion for my EX and how it was partly her fault and party mine.

 

 

I cant stand that my friends treat me like a leper if I mention my breakup and have no f-ing clue how hard this has been.

 

I just f-in want to move on and top say f-k it to all this recovery crap. I'm crying now and I'm not ever sure why. I'm not even thinking about my Ex. It like I'm crying for myself and that I just want to be whole again.

 

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Screw all this recovery BS.

I feel like there is something changing in me now. I'm not sure if I'm becoming colder or more steeled. But it is truly time to really start getting over this crap and get some control over my life again.

 

Ive even been out and have gotten some girls numbers, hooked up, and have impressed some of my less sociable friends with how Ive jumped right back into things and how confident I seem. But at at the end of it all I just feel like hollow shell. And that Im just faking it for every one including myself.

 

Maybe one day ill believe this lie that I tell my self about how Im over her and it will become a reality.

 

I don't even want to forgive my Ex any more or even myself . Ive already done this many times in my mind.

 

It is what it is. Gods will be done. This is his plan and I have no control over any of this crap accept to keep on moving forward. It is about ****ing time to move forward day by day because Im just sick sick sick of being sick. Why do I feel this way? Im even sick of trying to feel so positive. ****

 

Sorry for the incoherent mispelled rant. I'm not sure where that came from and Im not even sure it deserves a response.

 

.

[boblet]

Cavalier, I'm going through the same thing, actually logged on to rant about it as well.... BU almost 3 months ago.... 6 weeks NC, I feel like I'm losing my mind.... these thoughts are so exhausting.... it's so back and forth isn't it... I swear today was a good day, but it just creeps up on me. It's such a sick lonely feeling, sometimes I find myself laughing about the old times we had and hearing his voice in my head, then I realize he isn't coming back... I've definitely grown from this experience, and some days I wish it could just be over since I feel like I've learnt enough already and I just want the pain to go away...

 

I know exactly how you feel... I compulsively check this forum over and over, searching for answers and I find comfort knowing others are going through the same thing, but it hurts so bad. I'm tired of talking to my friends about it, I get mad at myself at times because I go on and on about the same things, on and on about my unanswered questions and recurrent feelings.

 

I know what you mean about feeling compassionate, some days I want to reach out to my ex, just tell him that I understand why he broke up, and I hope someone else makes him happy, and then I remember my own heart in pieces.

 

Anyway, you're definitely not alone..... sometimes I find comfort reflecting, on previous heartbreaks and those nights of heartache I thought would never end.... I guess seasons change, and unfortunately this is our rough season.... but after winter there's always spring... hang in there... we'll be okay one day

[LostOne1]

give it time after awhile you will become fed up and give up caring.. I'm at 3 months almost and I've gotten so fed up and I've given up.

 

Sure at times when my day is bad, I miss her a lot. Mostly because when I had a bad day she was there to talk to and give me support. Now with her gone the support is all on me to get myself back up. And sure sometimes my friends jump in and give me some positive support too.

 

I think you are in the same boat as me. WE NEED something positive to happen in our lives to move on faster.

 

So far nothing positive has happened to me at all for me to say something good is happening for once. I know if something good happens like my school graduation form gets accepted it will give me a huge ego boost.

[cavalier99]

Thanks for the support boblet and lostone and everyone here. I really means a lot to me and I'm extremely grateful.

 

I just thought i was doing so well and just cracked. I've cried before over her but now it seems to be more for me. I don't want to wallow in self pity as I know this is a form of self centeredness. I just feel so messed up right now and actually felt I was doing ok and was holding my head up high. Im going to crash now (sleep). Tommorow is a new day and ill wake up and pray and think about what im grateful for and will soldier on. What else can we do. I definitley cant call her . I guess i can be grateful im not stupid enought to do that.

 

Thanks

[KNJ]

Hi,

 

I know how you feel. Today was a really sad day as I had to let go of my ex. (He broke up with me two weeks ago, been together for four years, first love)

 

Today I lost the hope of getting him back. It was like flying a little above the ground (with my hope that he wasn't going to come to his senses one day), and then realising that he never will. I just came crashing down, finally hit home and I fell HARD! He broke up with me (he is 33) because he doesn't love me, he loves me as a FRIEND. (I am 22). When love ceases there is nothing to work on, or hope that he will change his mind because that is how he feels and nothing or no one can change that.

 

I don't know what bothers me the most. The fact that I will never have him in my life again? The fact that he will find someone else who can make him happier than me? The fact that I feel rejected and it hurts my ego. The fact that I feel unloved/unwanted? Can't make up my mind, but think I feel a mixture of all of it, and of being lost and out of control.

 

I can't control when I will have good or bad days, sometimes I have good days with a few lousy moments sometimes just good or just bad days. I hate feeling powerless. I hate that I got DUMPED. I hate that I feel he has got it easier, I hate that I have to be in pain when all I did was loving someone else. I didn't commit a crime, how long should I be punished? At least with a prison sentence you know how long you have been sentenced for.

 

I find solace in knowing I am not the only one sitting right now reading on LS or other related forums crying over there lost soul mates. But as soon as switch off the laptop, I feel alone again.

 

I think I am most scared of not finding true love again. Being capable of loving someone else, or being loved unconditionally. I never took our love for granted, so why do I need to learn that hard lesson? It is so unfair. I know I am 22, but what has age got to do with anything when it comes to real love?

[frederickkk]

**** the age thing. means bull****. age means nothing. you are completely right.

 

and its not about finding somebody better.

 

its a case of "what the **** are you looking for?"

 

why break up a relationship when it was fairly solid, just to see whats out there?

 

its the most selfish thing in the ****ing world.

 

im 4 months down the line, and im still no better for it

[cavalier99]

Hey frederikk how it hanging? Well to me you seem better than a few weeks ago! Better to be depressed than in the state you were in. I hope you are NC?

 

Im actually doing much better. The rant above was over 2 weeks ago and seemed to be a big turning point in my recovery. I guess we can only suffer for so long until our brains cant handle it anymore and says.. time to heal. Lol

 

I mean im not all they way there yet but i can see some light at then end of the tunnel. The intense pain is gone. And i feel much more capable of shifting my though to better things when i find myself thinking of the past.

 

I guess im feeling stronger and hopeful! Rock on!

Edited December 3, 2012 by cavalier99

[NavyAirTraffic]

give it time

 

im 4 months down the line, and im still no better for it

 

As Fred has proven, getting over someone takes time AND work! Yes, there is a lot of work to be done. (not for Cav, he's done the work!)

[Amelie1980]

Same here. Having the most awful couple of days. just want curl up and die.

[cavalier99]

Same here. Having the most awful couple of days. just want curl up and die.

 

Sorry your hurting. Stay NC it gets a lot better. I posted the rant above over a month ago and I'm feeling pretty good right now.

 

NC works miracles. I even got a email from my ex today. 1st time in almost 3 months. Didn't really affect me to much. And i wont respond. Deleted into oblivion just like her and the intense feelings! Stay strong!

[Amelie1980]

Id like to but my ex? Bf is still contacting me and addressing me as his special nickname for.me. we're on a break as such but I am treating it as a break up.

 

He had the audacity to come to my office and leave an Xmas card and gift for me and followed it up with a text calling me by my nickname he has for me. I was.crying in the bathroom knowing he'd been at the office but didn't see me.

 

it hurts so much and is affecting my ability to get over it.

[Allumere]

{{Cav}}...I feel ya. You arent a F'n Pussy any more than the rest of us are (including this old chica) but I get the frustration. For whatever reason we know logically what is going on, what we should do but for whatever reason that switch wont engage so its the emotions that are driving everything. I can only speak for myself and say my issue is simply I was in love and very happy and excited everyday about our future together. Today I have a void.emptiness after the loss of my friend, the relationship and a family. I do the steps...try to grow from the experience, refocus, get new hobbies (I was already a gym rat), etc. Have been NC since beginning of Nov (hasnt helped at all)...tried dating but all I do is compare at this point and honestly dont think its fair to the other person to not be 100% precent, even if it is for just an evening. I think we are all getting walloped by the holidays...magnifies the lonliness by about 1000. Vent, rant whatever you need to do. You are just tired of feeling like crap and want joy in your life again. It'll come.

[LostOne1]

{{Cav}}...I feel ya. You arent a F'n Pussy any more than the rest of us are (including this old chica) but I get the frustration. For whatever reason we know logically what is going on, what we should do but for whatever reason that switch wont engage so its the emotions that are driving everything. I can only speak for myself and say my issue is simply I was in love and very happy and excited everyday about our future together. Today I have a void.emptiness after the loss of my friend, the relationship and a family. I do the steps...try to grow from the experience, refocus, get new hobbies (I was already a gym rat), etc. Have been NC since beginning of Nov (hasnt helped at all)...tried dating but all I do is compare at this point and honestly dont think its fair to the other person to not be 100% precent, even if it is for just an evening. I think we are all getting walloped by the holidays...magnifies the lonliness by about 1000. Vent, rant whatever you need to do. You are just tired of feeling like crap and want joy in your life again. It'll come.

yeah the holidays make it REALLY tough especially if we are used to having out ex's for holidays over a few yrs.

 

I doubt my ex is missing me though and so I've decided not to miss her. Why miss someone, who doesn't even miss me. I know her ego is so high up there she would not even msg me a simple merry xmas or happy new yr at all.

 

In fact if i ever ran into her I wouldn't be surprised if she puts up a fake wall to show she is okay. I know deep down she must be hurting too.. but she would never show it or admit it. Her ego is so big... which makes me glad I'm not with her anymore. I can't people with a big ego, that blinds their mind and can't even let them work out a problem. They just think they are right and that everyone else has to be wrong.

[Mike_d]

ya, you gotta do the work. just sitting watching the calendar move won't get you anywhere

[cavalier99]

ya, you gotta do the work. just sitting watching the calendar move won't get you anywhere

 

Agreed. Im not looking at calendar. This original post was mid Nov.

 

Ive been doing really good recently compared to when i wrote this. It seemed to be a big turning point for me.

 

Been great except for the email i received from her today that i promptly deleted. Just when im doing good, having fun, talking to new girls.. she tries to suck me back in. NOT HAPPENING!

[Mike_d]

great news then, just setup a spam rule that dumps any email into trash. it's hard when you get reminded. I'm 6mo almost exactly to the day. Ran across some photos and a video I shot on my phone that I had on my computer of a family member. was hard to see and hear her in the video, took me a day or 2 to get past that, I would have rather not had the speedbump, but I know what my reaction is going to be, I don't beat on myself for it, I roll with it knowing that it will go away in a few days, I fix the problem that caused the problem in the meanwhile, keep working on me. it gets better. had a great girl over last night, meets rule #1 of my "must have" criteria list - "must be into Mike", it's amazing when you get to spend time with someone who really really wants to be with you.

[Amelie1980]

I'm finding it hard to heal and move on. I don't know if he knows he is being unkind be he is still contacting me calling me the nicknames he has for me.

 

He came to my office to drop my present off for Christmas and card saying in it lets trust that 2013 is a great year.....

 

it's cruel to behave this way.

 

We're technically on a break but realistically I don't hold out any hope.

 

He has for knocked the stuff out of me. he has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old and his reasons for us not being compatible were music tastes and him not knowing what films I like. Emotionally he is 12 years old but he's 36 year of age. we've also discussed interests and film tastes so many times, he just doesn't remember.

 

He took everything I was, said he didn't know anything about me(he just hasn't listened) and threw it in my face as not good enough.

 

I feel like dying.

[th90]

I'm finding it hard to heal and move on. I don't know if he knows he is being unkind be he is still contacting me calling me the nicknames he has for me.

 

He came to my office to drop my present off for Christmas and card saying in it lets trust that 2013 is a great year.....

 

it's cruel to behave this way.

 

We're technically on a break but realistically I don't hold out any hope.

 

He has for knocked the stuff out of me. he has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old and his reasons for us not being compatible were music tastes and him not knowing what films I like. Emotionally he is 12 years old but he's 36 year of age. we've also discussed interests and film tastes so many times, he just doesn't remember.

 

He took everything I was, said he didn't know anything about me(he just hasn't listened) and threw it in my face as not good enough.

 

I feel like dying.

 

You're a full-grown adult. You've been through so many things in life. This is just one of it. It is yet the worst to hit you. I'm sorry you're still feeling so down and depressed but you ought to get back on your own feet.

 

Does someone who mistreat you like that deserves any more of your attention, love and care? Do you really want to spend your entire life with someone like him? Think carefully. He ain't gonna change for you. I don't even like the idea my ex is gonna change for me. If he has to change, change for himself.

 

Trust me. Even if he comes back for you, you won't be happy with this selfish man. Sometimes you need to make yourself think that you'd rather be single for the rest of your life than to be miserable being with this man who doesn't know how to love and respect his woman.

 

Tell him off already! Stop any contact with him, accept that it's over and let healing start.

 

I always believe that letting go is the only way to set yourself free. It's the only way you can be yourself again. It's all in your mind.