shamrock405 Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 hello all, newbie here... come for some advice or just to vent and share experiences... where to start... well my ex boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. We had dated for about 4 and a half/5 years. He told me that he broke up with me because he just doesn't feel the same way about me. He said he still loves me in a sense and still cares for me but doesn't feel like he thinks he should. He was not sureif he was "in love" with me anymore. And he said he didn't think we were right. We were suppossed to be buying a townhouse and moving in together this fall. I asked him if there was someone else. He replied no. A week after we broke up I was invited to dinner with some mutual friends. Where I was informed that he had been cheating on me with another mutual friend and exfiance of a friend. This had taken place 3 times during the last 3 weeks before we broke up. I was heartbroken and furious. He denied it on the phone that night and at his house. He kew i was going to receive some proof via an email of a conversation with this "whore" as I like to call her and one of my girlfriends, discussing the relationship. He still denied it, and swore to me on his mothers life that he was not lying and he did not cheat. The next morning I received the email and was crushed, called him at work and he finally admitted it, saw him that night, we screamed a bit and cried and talked and he said he was not going to see her again for a while til he straightened out his feelings but that he might still want to be friends with her and he didn't know what he wanted as far as us. He still wants me in his life, he wants to be my friend and he said he does not want me to make the decision to leave his life for good. So fast forward to now. He is seeing this girl and i cannot stand it. He and I still talk on a regular basis. Mostly civil sometimes about the situation. I am very good friends and very close with his mother and his sister. Both of them do not like ther person he has become since he met this girl, none of us as caring people want him to be with her. She is a liar, serial cheater, manipulator and so forth. I am not the only one who thinks this about her, most of the friends we have mutually cannot believe he is doing what he is doing. He has been calling this "whore" my name on a couple occasions. He says he is not sure he will ever want to be with me again but yet he is calling out my name while in bed with her.. which I find hilarious and quite satisfying. I just don't get it. We had dated for about a year and a half and we broke up in 2001 because he said the same thing, he didn't feel as connected to me as he thought he should, 6 months later we got back together and dated for another 3 years til this all happened. We told each other early on that we loved each other and have had many conversations about us being meant to be and so forth. He is 3 years younger then me, the "whore" is 22 he is 25 and I am 28, we have been together since he was 20 and i am for all intensive purposes his first serious girlfriend. He was with 2 people before me but one was a one night thing, and the other was a 6 month relationship that was not serious. I guess my problem is that yes i do still love him and care about him immensly, and I cannot sit by and watch him throw away his life with this girl. A case of everyone else knowing she is hurting him and his reputation but he will not see it... I have had many conversations as a friend and he agrees with me that he knows she is not good and he knows he is not thinking straight but he won't let her go. He shows me so many actions that say he still loves me (calling out my name, calling her my name when introducing her to people, getting jealous when he hears I get hit on or have a date, etc.) So what do I do? It is a weird situation and I am at my wits end. Help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 I don't think you have the right to blame the other woman. He was the one who decided to cheat on you with her. You also have to realize the age difference. IMO guys at 25 just want to have fun and not be tied down to one woman. You on the other hand are in a different age bracket where you may want to settle down and move forward with things. It sounded to me in your post that you are trying to turn his friends against im. You are trying to have everyone on your side. He is an adult and has the right to make his choice of who he wants to be with. Which one would you have preferred finding out now that he is not in love with you or years from now after you two settle down and have kids together? It is easier said than done but you guys have broken up so maybe it is time to move forward without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shamrock405 Posted August 5, 2004 Author Share Posted August 5, 2004 no I am not trying to turn his friends against him. I try not to bring it up around the mutual friends that we have, since the same friends were the ones who told me the truth I don't think i see it that way, could be me. I don't only blame her, but I guess if you knew her the way I do, you might blame her a tiny bit more then him. I do blame him for not communicating with me his doubts about our relationship and then ending it in his mind before he ended it with me. I do blame him for hurting me and I realize it takes two to tango. But its just hard to watch him self destruct I guess you could say. I have caught her in so many lies and so have so many of our friends and even him but he doesn't want to see it. I have already started to mvoe on. I really don't think i could take him back, but i do care about him and still love him also, and I guess as a friend I just hate to see him get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Like i said in another thread Experience is the worst teacher because it give the test first then the lesson. You cannot do anything but let him learn from his mistakes. He obviously cares for you but he wants to have his fun but keep you on the side for when hes done playing. He knows your good for him and so he keeps you there while he plays knowing that you will stay. He knows she's not good for him but he wants to stay anyways then let him stay. I say NC for a while and let him feel whats its like to not have you around for real. He will never know how good you were to him and how much he values you unless you leave him alone with that 'whore' and let him see the difference. It's up to you but thats what I would do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shamrock405 Posted August 5, 2004 Author Share Posted August 5, 2004 yeah I have been trying to tell myself that NC is best, its just really hard when I am so close with his mom and sister and we have a lot of mutual friends. It's hard to ignore him.. but I will try. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Trust me I know it's hard I had to go through it. At first I said I would ignore him but keep in touch with the family. But after a while it wasn't helping. I would hear things from his sister that would kill me and she didnt do it intentionally. Finally I told the family don't take it into offense but I won't be calling or coming around for a while. Thats when he knew I was serious and stopped f*cking around. But by the time he came around I didn't need him anymore and now me and the family are still really close and HE has to deal with me having someone else and hearing it from his sister. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 It's the only way you will get past this. I loved my last ex's mom, sister, whole family, but I do not have contact with them because we only have one thing in common, my ex, and he's out of my life for good. I had another ex do the same exact thing, twice just like your man. You know what? He's married to the second disruption in our relationship and she's getting small little tastes of what he put me through. My mom gave me the best advice...you don't owe (whoever it is at the time) anything, just smile and be gracious. It works like a charm. Other than your own best friends, no one else needs to know you're hurting inside, and before long you won't have to fake it! The hurt will be gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shamrock405 Posted August 5, 2004 Author Share Posted August 5, 2004 Yes that is the hardest part, I tried to tell his mom and sister that I didn't know how long I could still talk to them, and they told me that they love me and want me around no matter what. It's really hard to deal with it. I know that if I leave him alone for a while he will finally open his eyes. I guess its just really tough to lose him as my bf and as my best friend, as I am sure others have been through, tough to go cold turkey when this person has been a daily fixture in my life for so long. i have to be strong i know, but its getting harder, I thought that it was suppossed to get easier with time?? my luck huh! Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Half a year for every year spent with a person is approx. how long it will take to get over him/her. That's what they SAY anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 The first year is always the hardest and it just gets harder. It's the hardest because it's the first year you have to go through everything without him. The holidays, parties, etc. But after that it really does get easier and easier till eventually you don't hurt anymore. Took me a year and a couple months. It was really tough then got tougher then easier but then tougher again lol. But I am ok now and you will be too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shamrock405 Posted August 5, 2004 Author Share Posted August 5, 2004 Thanks!! I hope so. we were together almost 5 years, that would mean 2 and a h alf years.. ugh!!! that would be misery. I hope it all works out in the end!! Thanks again for all the good words of help and advice Link to post Share on other sites
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