i don't know what to do

[sparkle]

hey everyone,

 

I received an email from a good friend of mine..and it's

 

really bothering me. He seems depressed. I don't know what to say to him, I don't know too much about depression. Just listen to him? I'm afraid that maybe he may need counseling.

 

He's one of those "tough" guys...doesn't tell me too much about his feelings. So his email surprised me. He's my age, 21..goes to college. He's a boxer, so that's what he's referring to in his email. I know his dad used to beat him when he was younger, but he only mentioned it to me once. Other than that, he always acts tough.

 

I care about him a lot, and I'm basically the only person he's opened up to, yet I don't know how to handle the situation. The only thing I can do is listen to him, other than that, I don't know what advice I can give him. professional help?

 

I attached part of the email that has me concerned:

 

(it's kinda long)

 

" at least you are happy. me? hahaha yeah me. well listen to this. this is how my life is going. today my parents went out and bought something. they brought it home. they were so happy with it. it was this expensive italian leather furniture set. it must have cost well over $4000 dollarz. my tuition? less than $2000. oh forget about that that is too expensive. when i saw that furniture and the way my parents threw that in my face it felt harder then any punch.

 

my body may be bruised and sore. but my soul is dead. when i go training all i can think about is making the pain in my soul go away. i punch those heavy bags with all i got. my

 

arms want to fall out of their sockets yet i still punch. i cant breathe yet i am still punching. then i realize i cant punch the pain out of my soul for i have no soul. then i stopped punching. i just stood there. silence is like death. its the only thing comforting me nowadays is silence. either punching, or sitting in my room in silence. actually, hearing your voice on the phone comforts me too.

 

what is buggin me? the world past present and future. i feel old. real old. its like i was filled with gold. gold of

 

innocence.. hmm gold of youth... gold of life. i use to live. the world took a piece of gold away from me everyday. every place every person every moment took a piece away. now im empty. i stand hollow and alone where life use to be

 

shiit...i just realized i typed all of this. i shouldnt be bothering you with this. you are happy."

[Dave]

hey everyone, I received an email from a good friend of mine..and it's really bothering me. He seems depressed. I don't know what to say to him, I don't know too much about depression. Just listen to him? I'm afraid that maybe he may need counseling.

 

He's one of those "tough" guys...doesn't tell me too much about his feelings. So his email surprised me. He's my age, 21..goes to college. He's a boxer, so that's what he's referring to in his email. I know his dad used to beat him when he was younger, but he only mentioned it to me once. Other than that, he always acts tough.

 

I care about him a lot, and I'm basically the only person he's opened up to, yet I don't know how to handle the situation. The only thing I can do is listen to him, other than that, I don't know what advice I can give him. professional help? I attached part of the email that has me concerned: (it's kinda long) " at least you are happy. me? hahaha yeah me. well listen to this. this is how my life is going. today my parents went out and bought something. they brought it home. they were so happy with it. it was this expensive italian leather furniture set. it must have cost well over $4000 dollarz. my tuition? less than $2000. oh forget about that that is too expensive. when i saw that furniture and the way my parents threw that in my face it felt harder then any punch. my body may be bruised and sore. but my soul is dead. when i go training all i can think about is making the pain in my soul go away. i punch those heavy bags with all i got. my arms want to fall out of their sockets yet i still punch. i cant breathe yet i am still punching. then i realize i cant punch the pain out of my soul for i have no soul. then i stopped punching. i just stood there. silence is like death. its the only thing comforting me nowadays is silence. either punching, or sitting in my room in silence. actually, hearing your voice on the phone comforts me too. what is buggin me? the world past present and future. i feel old. real old. its like i was filled with gold. gold of innocence.. hmm gold of youth... gold of life. i use to live. the world took a piece of gold away from me everyday. every place every person every moment took a piece away. now im empty. i stand hollow and alone where life use to be shiit...i just realized i typed all of this. i shouldnt be bothering you with this. you are happy."

[Dave]

He sounds suicidal. He needs to see a psychiatrist and maybe drink a few antidepressants that will elevate his mood.

 

If you really care for him, try to suggest him to see a Psychiatrist.

 

Best of Luck

 

A year ago I almost ended my life. But a friend of mine stopped me, and after drinking antidepressants and changing a few details in my life and the environment where I used to live, I started regaining my faith and hope in life....

 

hey everyone, I received an email from a good friend of mine..and it's really bothering me. He seems depressed. I don't know what to say to him, I don't know too much about depression. Just listen to him? I'm afraid that maybe he may need counseling.

 

He's one of those "tough" guys...doesn't tell me too much about his feelings. So his email surprised me. He's my age, 21..goes to college. He's a boxer, so that's what he's referring to in his email. I know his dad used to beat him when he was younger, but he only mentioned it to me once. Other than that, he always acts tough.

 

I care about him a lot, and I'm basically the only person he's opened up to, yet I don't know how to handle the situation. The only thing I can do is listen to him, other than that, I don't know what advice I can give him. professional help? I attached part of the email that has me concerned: (it's kinda long) " at least you are happy. me? hahaha yeah me. well listen to this. this is how my life is going. today my parents went out and bought something. they brought it home. they were so happy with it. it was this expensive italian leather furniture set. it must have cost well over $4000 dollarz. my tuition? less than $2000. oh forget about that that is too expensive. when i saw that furniture and the way my parents threw that in my face it felt harder then any punch. my body may be bruised and sore. but my soul is dead. when i go training all i can think about is making the pain in my soul go away. i punch those heavy bags with all i got. my arms want to fall out of their sockets yet i still punch. i cant breathe yet i am still punching. then i realize i cant punch the pain out of my soul for i have no soul. then i stopped punching. i just stood there. silence is like death. its the only thing comforting me nowadays is silence. either punching, or sitting in my room in silence. actually, hearing your voice on the phone comforts me too. what is buggin me? the world past present and future. i feel old. real old. its like i was filled with gold. gold of innocence.. hmm gold of youth... gold of life. i use to live. the world took a piece of gold away from me everyday. every place every person every moment took a piece away. now im empty. i stand hollow and alone where life use to be shiit...i just realized i typed all of this. i shouldnt be bothering you with this. you are happy."

[Tony T]

Sounds like he has a lot of repressed anger. Depression is often described by psychologists as anger turned inward. Anger leads to depression. He has many issues relating to abuse in his childhood and, of course, the purchase of expensive furniture by his parents is illustrative to him of his parents' selfishness and inconsideration of his needs.

 

His childhood was pathetic and that's unfortunate. It happens to a lot of people. There are many parents who ought to be shot for the pain they put into the lives of their offspring.

 

His boxing is what psychologists call displacement of aggression. Each punch is a metaphoric punch back at his father in retaliation for the beatings he got when he was younger. His father probably got beaten pretty badly as a child himself.

 

The only thing he can do is try to heal, in his own way and his own time, forgive his parents for their selfishness, abusiveness, etc. (which was probably instilled in them by THEIR parents), let go of all the crap of the past, and move on and try to make the very best of the rest of his life.

 

It's great that he has you to express his feelings too. He is very excellent in describing his feelings in writing. That's good therapy for him.

 

Be there for him, support him to the extent you are able, but don't be his counsellor and don't make his problems yours. We all have our own stuff to process and we don't need more.

 

Just one thing. Tell you friend not to be so harsh if he has children. If he doesn't get through this OK, advise him to do his children a favor...by not having them and passing this brutality on a generation further.

[sparkle]

Dave, Tony

 

thank you very much..sounds like very good advice..

 

i'll talk to him about it.

 

no he doesn't have any kids.

[Mitch]

Sounds like he has a lot of repressed anger. Depression is often described by psychologists as anger turned inward. Anger leads to depression. He has many issues relating to abuse in his childhood and, of course, the purchase of expensive furniture by his parents is illustrative to him of his parents' selfishness and inconsideration of his needs.

Excellent dime store diagnosis! Excellent!

His childhood was pathetic and that's unfortunate. It happens to a lot of people. There are many parents who ought to be shot for the pain they put into the lives of their offspring.

I agree, but w-h-a-t c-a-n w-e d-o n-o-w?

His boxing is what psychologists call displacement of aggression. Each punch is a metaphoric punch back at his father in retaliation for the beatings he got when he was younger. His father probably got beaten pretty badly as a child himself.

This is useless. It might be completely true, but even if it were, SO WHAT.

 

It's this kind of crap that psychology doesn't need!

 

If other disciplines worked this way, we'd be living in caves still!!!!

 

("Thog, is it right to build this wheel thing you speak of? What urges you to talk about this wheel thing? Could it be your mother and the time you spent with her in the trees??")

 

Ugh!!

The only thing he can do is try to heal, in his own way and his own time, forgive his parents for their selfishness, abusiveness, etc. (which was probably instilled in them by THEIR parents), let go of all the crap of the past, and move on and try to make the very best of the rest of his life.

So the only thing that can be done is nothing, in other words from her perspective? Even when he writes about it?

 

It's great that he has you to express his feelings too. He is very excellent in describing his feelings in writing. That's good therapy for him.

YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS! Quit assuming crap you know nothing about.

Be there for him, support him to the extent you are able, but don't be his counsellor and don't make his problems yours. We all have our own stuff to process and we don't need more.

Yes. Don't get sucked in by this.

Just one thing. Tell you friend not to be so harsh if he has children. If he doesn't get through this OK, advise him to do his children a favor...by not having them and passing this brutality on a generation further.

Yes, no children for you. You were beaten up as a kid.

 

Beautiful

 

--------------------------------------

 

Okay, you can listen to Tony, who is full of the "whys" but is very short on the "what to dos" here, or you can listen to the poster before, Dave right?, someone who's been there and fixed it.

 

And, just a guess, but you telling him not to have kids if he disagrees might just piss him off, no matter how depressed he is or what Tony Chopra says.

 

Try this:

 

Ask him if he thinks this happens to other people.

 

If he thinks it does, ask him what he thinks they do about it and steer him towards an MD he trusts (who is likely to steer him to a counselor).

 

If he disagrees, reiterate that we're talking about all the people who ever lived. Mention it could be a PHYSICAL PROBLEM as well (thyroid for instance). It probably isn't but if that gets him to the doctor ...

 

Listen to him and let him know that this is a real problem that warrants medical attention (the origin could be completely physical for all we know).

 

I strongly suspect he's going to run screaming if you mention counselor or psychologist right off the bat.

 

And I'd stay clear of doing any family planning for him.

 

--------------------------------------

 

All in all, it's his problem and we do what we can for our friends. No more, no less.

[Tony T]

You will get a lot more respect and be held in much higher regard in this forum if you more closely conform to its mission.

 

You can do so by posting your very own, original suggestions to the posters. I do enjoy criticism and debate when it is appropriate but you are by nature combative and this is a love forum, not a battle zone.

 

It is up to the poster to read the advice of each person who posts and decide what action they should take.

 

You would provide a great service to the LoveShack community by submitting your own original material. You have some excellent ideas but your put downs of other people take a great deal away from your credibility. Pulling apart other posts is uncalled for, unwarranted, and shows a phenomenal lack of class on your part.

 

Have the courtesy to give the people who post here credit for having enough intelligence to decide for themselves what advice they desire to follow.

 

I truly look forward to some dynamic and original posts from you.

 

Even if you have extremely unique qualifications to do so, tearing down other people to boost one's own self is not a trait that is highly admired by most people.

 

And don't bother answering this post because I give you my word I will not read your reply. I would not again risk becoming nauseated.

 

I truly look forward to more civil and friendly posts from you, which all who come to this forum would welcome.

[Deejette]

Attacking another person's heartfelt advice because they truly care is not a good thing to do. People feel safety here on the shack that they can tell their problems and not be laughed at and people can respond and not be ridiculed. That is what a safe space is all about.

You will get a lot more respect and be held in much higher regard in this forum if you more closely conform to its mission. You can do so by posting your very own, original suggestions to the posters. I do enjoy criticism and debate when it is appropriate but you are by nature combative and this is a love forum, not a battle zone. It is up to the poster to read the advice of each person who posts and decide what action they should take. You would provide a great service to the LoveShack community by submitting your own original material. You have some excellent ideas but your put downs of other people take a great deal away from your credibility. Pulling apart other posts is uncalled for, unwarranted, and shows a phenomenal lack of class on your part. Have the courtesy to give the people who post here credit for having enough intelligence to decide for themselves what advice they desire to follow. I truly look forward to some dynamic and original posts from you. Even if you have extremely unique qualifications to do so, tearing down other people to boost one's own self is not a trait that is highly admired by most people. And don't bother answering this post because I give you my word I will not read your reply. I would not again risk becoming nauseated. I truly look forward to more civil and friendly posts from you, which all who come to this forum would welcome.

[Mitch]

And, just a guess, but lets just say another poster (who will remain nameless) mentions his future family. You telling him not to have kids if he disagrees might just piss him off, no matter how depressed he is.

 

Try this:

 

Ask him if he thinks this happens to other people.

 

If he thinks it does, ask him what he thinks they do about it and steer him towards an MD he trusts (who is likely to steer him to a counselor).

 

If he disagrees, reiterate that we're talking about all the people who ever lived. Mention it could be a PHYSICAL PROBLEM as well (thyroid for instance). It probably isn't but if that gets him to the doctor ...

 

Listen to him and let him know that this is a real problem that warrants medical attention (the origin could be completely physical for all we know).

 

I strongly suspect he's going to run screaming if you mention counselor or psychologist right off the bat.

 

--------------------------------------

 

All in all, it's his problem and we do what we can for our friends. No more, no less.

[Mitch]

It is up to the poster to read the advice

of each person who posts and decide what action they should take.

Okay. Agreed. And I in no way interfered in that process.

 

Another problem with this approach is (and I don't want a response as you promised not to read this) that original advice never gets better.

 

What happens (in an extreme example) when someone says they're getting beaten, and someone resonds "Well, you were probably talking $#@$%^. Deal with it." ??

 

Sorry, I'M responding to the RESPONSE, not the original post.

 

And one would argue that given the facility on this board, it's there just for that purpose. That is, the ability to respond to responses.

Have the courtesy to give the people who post here credit for having enough intelligence to decide for themselves what advice they desire to follow.

I do. Furthermore, I'm ready to critique any pop psychology psychobabble which could actually be harmful. I'd never go after the original poster, but bad advice submitted by others ... is open season.

 

Did I go too far this particular time. Probably. And for that I apologize.

 

But as such, they should perhaps have the luxury of seeing where people disagree.

And don't bother answering this post because I give you my word I will not read your reply. I would not again risk becoming nauseated.

Too late.

I truly look forward to more civil and friendly posts from you, which all who come to this forum would welcome.

Great. But, when somebody gets goofy and reads far, far too much into something ... sorry, I can't guarantee I'll go easy on 'em.

 

Plus, Tony, you're taking your posts too personal. If you have to have an opinion on almost every single one and are thin skinned .. too bad. People take your advice very seriously and if you're off the mark and I've got some time on my hands .. sorry.

 

I'll keep it less personal in the future though.

 

And again, you said you weren't reading this so please don't respond. This is merely for the edification of others.

 

You recommended telling him to never have kids (BAD IDEA).

 

Furthermore, you suggested that there was nothing that could be done about the problem except time.

 

I disagreed and said such. Yeah, perhaps I went too far but I'm not sitting in the background and not saying a word because "So-and-so Has Posted!".

 

Indeed, respect the intelligence of the board enough to take some criticism!