Friends2 lovers?

[Quest4_TheLost]

I just spent almost an hour typing this!!!!!!!!!!! Guy I love we will call him Rick.. NO attraction to OMGZ your to funny you light of my life. I told him everything everything everything from the guy I was dating to my FWBs. I am not permiscuous I married the guy I lost my virginity too.. This guy says he loves me he is broken just out of an 8 yr relationship I took him in to comfort him. I didn't want a real relationship I kept him at arms length never being vulnerable. I can't answer him when he asks why I stick around.. We were together we broke up.. A LOZT!! My fault! I didn't want to get attached.. I am a writer I write down everything I have 3 journals my grammer somtimes sucks my spelling is somtimes googled but you won't stop me from putting this crap on paper that I may somtimes burn!!

 

No seriously I burn it. I have been told not to but why?? I have 2 journals on paper and one on the pc which I save where it can't be lost. I have kids been divorced twice.. At this poiint you should try not to judge who you don't know infact I dare you. From here on out I am journaling how this plays out. I'm in love with this guy I am very picky and haven't felt anything for the losers I've dated until the guy I had no attraction too. I will put more later when I am less pissed everything disapeared!!

 

Development.. TWILIGHT FAN!! invited him he says no and no and no and no.. Jerk!! finally Im takin my daughter and her bff. Then he wants to go.. Why??? To fck with me of course. Then makes me feel bad cause finally after trying to get him to go I'm like nah I have ppl to go with. You will only joke about everything he agrees.. This is my new journal where I might kick myself in the face alot. Tomorrow we may go a movie. SUnday he will change my oil.. I am so mad right now!!!! Everything was so NON perfect you could have made it perfect.

 

Why am I here?? Guess what every good relationship starts with a friendship.. When I first came here with a diff name long story.. A kid named bear was not only positive he was totally empowered he would get what he wanted I rooted him on till the end..

 

When you want somthing you bess get ur @ss up and go get it cause no one is going to do it for you!! Who you think you are? You want somthing awesome amazing? But you don't want to do the work? Life is work relationships are work!! I am a half asser I get interested and then I'm O look shinney penny!! I don't know if I even really want this relationship. I'm so scared.. I've dumped him several times so he is displeased. Its time to fix a relationship that never was. Cause I'm madly crazy about this man. He is an alcoholic completley impossible and who are you to tell me who I should love? I beleive in a real love that dosen't come with a contract or interview.. He makes little to nothing. Somdays I feel bipolar I don't know what I want. But I am chaswing it. this burning in my chest. Im gonna chase it cause nothing and no one can light me up the way he has and does. I am so ready to be kicked in the face but it will be for the only thing on earth thats worth it and thats the love in my heart!!!

[Quest4_TheLost]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/354883-im-about-break

 

Thats my NC thread..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/356149-accident

 

My I contacted him thread..

 

 

No one really answered me.. But there is a fire started in my heart reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out to dark.

[Quest4_TheLost]

One thing will keep ringing you.. We could have it all rollin in the deep? Yes I know you've heard that one.. I will try to update this as much as I can.. I will try to put in the things I did before that were erased.. Feel free to question me advise me whatever.. Or just read.. This won't be the first time I've kicked myself in the face and if thats what happens I'm prepared for it.

[Quest4_TheLost]

How many times are we going to play ourselves.. Ask what if? I'm not totally invested in this idea of relationships I may kill the next person that hurts me. Is it possible to keep things going at my pace? I can't lose him. I won't lose him. Until I have too. This may be right around the corner. When I leave him I always come back he accepts me with open arms. Until I denied him booty.. NO MORE BOOTY!! Not cause I don't want it I just can't with him. Lets turn the page sloooowly!

[Quest4_TheLost]

Well I started this thread while I was drinking which you probably could tell by the obnoxious format.. We kept breaking up because he would piss me off and I would take a hike for a while. He always had a new excuse of why we shouldn't be together it got annoying rather quickly.

 

 

I think he is holding a grudge about me disapearing.. But the way I look it it if we don't cross the friendship line by sleeping together I won't have to get all huffy and puffy as to why he won't commit. I at one point thought he was using me for sex. So now I guess I weant to see if his friendship is genuine. If he is truly holding a grudge about the past and if it is truly possible we should have a relationship or even could or if its possible to rewind the clock and go back to being friends. I'm really hoping one of these things works out as I would hate to lose him as part of my life. I at this point am not sure why I want to keep him so badly. I do love him and all and him disapearing seems inevitable at this point.

 

I owe him some money so I am dropping it off at his house tonight before the movie. I AGAIN invited him to knowing he will absolutly hate it and prob make my experience miserable. I won't be overly butt hurt if he declines. I won't know if he is actually coming until later I will txt him before I leave. I would bet 50$ bucks he isn't coming. I asked him if he could change my oil sunday I don't know what the weather will be like and I offered to pay him. He declined me paying him. That seems friendly right? I mean guys do that for friends and he isn't gettin laid. So this makes me think maybe he really wasn't using me and he took it because I offered. What guy wouldn't lol..

 

I did say if he was going to do that for me he would have tolet me take him out or make dinner for him or somthing. I really hate it when ppl do things for me and I can't give anything in return. So here is my sober version of events.

Edited November 16, 2012 by Quest4_TheLost

[Quest4_TheLost]

Well I went to pick him up from a bar sat night.. We got along had a lovley talk went back to his place and ended up in a nasty fight. I don't see anything moving forward with this guy. Lonliness is a beast I really do love him.

 

I hope someday he gets his crap together. I haven't spoken to him since. I lost my respect for him. I no longer even see it being possible for us to be friends.. Fooling myself all along with someone as toxic as he is hoping I could in someway help as a "friend" .. I have definetly learned an important lessong. DON'T sleep with a friend I had never done that before with someone that was only a friend. I still think it is possible to change a friend into lovers. But the want has to be there by both involved. At first I didn't even want a relationship when he did. I think that wrecked it from the start because if your going to be distant with someone they are going to react to it.

 

 

I try to be positive about things such as people changing. I do beleive people can change for the better. I beleive in forgivness and working through things when both people are genuinly sorry and really want to try again. Which is hard to do when there is so much water under the bridge.

I will definetly miss him but he isn't someone I want in my life any longer.

 

I didn't put many details about the fight.. I just saw enough of what I needed to see to realize he isn't only the wrong person for me. But he isn't a good person either. I think thats the one thing I hate about life the most is losing people. It happens with friends and lovers. People come and go.

As I get older it definetly gets harder to find real friends. All of mine live to far away or are in a relationship which they are attached at the hip to the person. Its been one hell of a rollercoaster!!!

 

I'm ready to get a new hobby..

[Quest4_TheLost]

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

 

I like to over analyze things. I haven't really in the last few days though. Though only thing I was thinking is what if he ever did contact me again what I would say. What would be best. Even though I feel its best to just let everything go for some reason it would hurt to have to say that and finalize it. I would rather it just fade away as if it never exsisted. I can't really say why. I thought what I would say if he did actually try to talk to me. I think all I could say is somthing along the lines of. Ok I actually had to sit here for 5 mins and think. I guess I would say (I don't know what to say) there is nothing to say. He isn't the type of person to contact me. I don't think anyway, I was always pretty weak when it came to contacting him first.

 

Suprisingly though he txted me yesterday. All he asked was if I got introuble. I left his house a bit tipsy and had to pull around the block to sleep it off a bit. I didn't want to sit infront of his house. It took how many days for him to even muster enough energy to pretend he cared lol..

I told him simply that. That No I didn't get in trouble, I had pulled onto another block to sleep it off before going home.

 

To be honest I was a bit in shock he could even come to a moment to pretend he cared. When all is said and done. I can regret every moment. I can regret pursuing him after he treated me badly. Knowing I could get better knowing I deserved better. Its very hard for me to find a real connection with somone. So when I felt it with him it was very hard for me to just give up on it. Every LONG term relationship started with that connection. Then I look back and say well what happend to those relationships?? Well can't count on those connections to be the (ONE)..

I also realize what I miss the most was our friendship how close we were and how we could talk about anything and everything. He was definetly my BFF for a while there before the FWB thing.

 

I also realize there is no getting that back. Now for some of you that are reading. I'm not saying those things are impossible to get back. Infact I am one to beleive that all things are possible. Even in the toughest circumstances or when it seems completley hopeless. Just not in this case.

I just don't feel it anymore. I don't have the energy to try and lets be honest to keep anything together someone has to try. Its definetly much better when both are trying but somtimes it only takes one.

 

It shouldn't be this hard to keep a relationship of any magnitude with someone. I also have a very hard time looking at people for what they have and what they do to constitute them as a loser and that I'm better than them or deserve better. So he lives with his parents. Dosen't make much money an alcoholic. None of that really mattered to me other then the alcoholic part. Deep down I could never put up with that crap. As somthing that never really got serious between us or atleast was never titled as serious, I could deal with. I could never live with him. I don't see many people that could put up with that. The other things I don't care about. I have never been one to keep much of a check list and interview a partner. All I really look for is to be treated well. Honesty is number one, respect,loyalty,affection a connection. Not all in that order and sure there is more. No, I didn't get any of that from Rick lol..

 

Perhaps if I had somthing better on the horizon I would have dropped this bad habit long ago with him. But OMG OMG OMG! I'm sick of dating seriously. There is some really nasty ppl out there. Even though the company was fun it was nice to get out and just go with the flow. It always came back on me in one way or another to complicate things and make me feel exausted. I would rather just go out alone!! So I'm done dating atleast for now. I may forget how bad it was, get bored and go back for another helping of drama. YES drama!! You know that thingg we all say we hate and don't want but find interesting when ppl tell us theirs and then when we have none of it for a while we get bored and somtimes go looking for it!! Yea that stuff. I am NOW at the 10 month mark of putting up with Rick. Which I bring up cause I feel is way to long.

 

Like I said before I beleive all ppl can change. He probably will change for the better and be that sweet wonderful person I met at the beginning. But he will do it for the girl that comes on long that he deems worth it and feels his heart pitter patter.

 

I was with a guy for 9 years and the first 2 yrs of our relationship was really rocky. I was really young and naive so I just put up with everything. Some of it I didn't even really care. He would cheat on me lie to me treat me like crap. He was still in love with a previous. Kinda like this one. But he was my first love. I would have climbed mountains for him. Eventually he did fall in love with me. After 9 yrs some things did get better. Other things I got sick of dealing with. I left him he was so hurt and heart broken. I wish things could have been diffrent. But by the time I left I was not only no longer in love with him but I didn't even find him attractive enough to sleep with him. Point is I waited I persisted I put up with him and got fed up with him. I can definetly imagine this situation happening like that if for some reason things had gone diffrently. No I can't say for sure but why waste time and energy.

 

Done babbling for now. Hopefully somthing here was worth reading

Edited November 23, 2012 by Quest4_TheLost

[Quest4_TheLost]

I'm also going to apologize if I repeat anything Ive said before I don't go back and read what I wrote. I don't know really where this thread is going. Just some thoughts and what not. I write alot regularly I'm not the greatest speller and far from grammatically perfect. I have 3 journals so might aswell have one more. At this point I have truly lost all hope of anything. Even though that hurts it feels good not to hope. If that makes sense. I really hope it continues to feel this way. I really hate how you can be ok with somthing for a while then it really sinks in. I would like to beleive over the last I don't know how many months of going through this bs. That I have finally hit rock bottom with it all.

 

I hate emotions.. I hate feeling vulnerable. I've lost a lover and a friend all with the same kick in the face. I realize emotions are a good thing to have and feel. But there comes a point where its just all obsession and your sensitivity and emotions are really like this horrible trip on a bad drug you can't get off of. That txt definetly effected me a little more then I would have liked. I thought about him alot more then I had been. It wouldn't even had mattered if I had ignored him which I wouldn't do since he has never been that cruel to me. Just his txt to me would have been enough, like an adrenaline shot to the heart. I guess might be a reason why I just wrote here twice one on top of another instead of leaving all this babbling for another day lol.. I may be back ya never know!! Have a good weekend everyone!