I stuffed up. Can I get out of it?

[Moosh]

I need some advice, especially from a guy’s perspective.

 

I stuffed up, I know I did, now I need to try and fix it before I lose everything.

 

I have been with my partner for over 10 years (he is 10 years older if that makes a difference. I am 31, he is 41). He has always had threesome fantasies and would often ask if we could explore that fantasy. I always told him I wasn’t bi, wasn’t interested, sorry.

 

We did try it with another male a few times and I really enjoyed that but it just made him want the two women more and I felt hypocritical not allowing it so I backed away from those threesomes as well, that was probably 5-6 years ago. We also tried a swingers club once and met a nice couple and swapped partners with each other but there was no threesome. The swinging scene just wasn’t for us and we never went again.

 

I did however not want to crush his fantasy so I told him if he could ever find two women that were interested then he had my blessing. He said he wasn’t interested unless I was part of it and to the best of my knowledge he has never taken up that offer. He did however find a bi woman and they were looking for another woman to share. He swears they never slept together, I have my doubts about that.

 

Now the part where I stuffed up. A woman started at my work and I had an instant attraction to her, it was something that I had never felt before. We became good friends and went shopping and out for drinks etc together, just normal friend stuff. A year later that attraction was just growing and I found myself wanting to kiss her. I’m sure she tried one time but we were interrupted just at the wrong moment.

 

I told my partner about all this and he wasn’t angry that I nearly cheated, in fact he was over the moon about it and encouraged me to pursue it (sure he had an agenda but he was happy for me to see where it led nonetheless).

 

Move forward about a year and her and I really close, I have explored all parts of my bisexuality with her and openly admit to being bi now. My partner has started asking about threesomes again, either with her or with another woman and I have promised him he will get his wish.

 

But alcohol always stuffs things up. A few weeks ago I was over at her place drinking, her husband came home and well, things just happened, no need for details. I had my first threesome with another woman and it wasn’t with my partner. It will kill him if I tell him.

 

So, do I tell him?

 

Is there any way out of this without keeping the truth from him?

 

Guys, how would you take it?

 

Would the offer of exploring his fantasy ease any pain?

 

What if we had the threesome before I told him, would that make a difference one way or another?

 

I may have also stuffed things up with this woman as well as she thought I concentrated way too much on her husband and ignored her. I have no idea whether that is true as I honestly was too drunk. But it complicates things a little as she is very angry about it and she may open her mouth one day about it if I do decide to keep it all quiet.

[dasein]

You should tell him. I would break up, but that's me. Your guy may surprise you based on his attitudes you post about the female friend.

[Moosh]

You should tell him. I would break up, but that's me. Your guy may surprise you based on his attitudes you post about the female friend.

 

If I told him I had slept with 100 different women he would just want to know the details. If I told him I even just kissed a guy he would be pissed.

 

But it was a mistake, a big one. It hasn't happened before, it wont happen again.

 

I can't see the point in ruining a 10 year relationship by telling him over a stupid spur of the moment, alcohol induced moment of insanity.

 

Would he really want to know? Friends suggest that most males would rather not know if it was just an isolated incident.

[SJC2008]

His fantasy is to have a FFM threesome with you and you have your first one with another man? He'll blow a phukin gasket!!! Crappy situation you're in!

[Eternal Sunshine]

If you tell him, he will dump you.

 

If you don't tell him, he will most likely find out.

 

If you don't tell him, it will eat away at you.

 

No good options.

[Moosh]

No good options.

 

There are no good options but I have decided that I will be telling him, that's what all the posts and friends advice is.

 

It's against my better judgement as I don't think it will end well but deep down I know it is the right thing to do.

 

I just hope he is more wonderful than what I already know he is and gives me a chance to prove that it was just a once off and will never happen again.

[dasein]

I can't see the point in ruining a 10 year relationship by telling him over a stupid spur of the moment, alcohol induced moment of insanity.

 

I think the ten year part is a strong reason why you have to tell him. Just tell him you were so drunk you thought it was another woman with a truly enormous clit.

[ja123]

Fulfill his fantasy with someone other than your friend. Then tell him.

[2sure]

You have to tell him. He will be very angry and feel betrayed, but not for the reason he thinks. His anger and betrayal is not going to stem from you having sex with someone else...he has demonstrated a clear comfort level for that.

 

He is going to be angry and betrayed because this other guy got the threesome before he did, and he will think you took his chance away.

 

So tell him, let him be angry and betrayed...but understand the reason and deal with that. It isn't because you cheated, its because someone else got it first.

[Moosh]

Well the deed has been done. I told him what happened and as expected it didn’t go too well.

 

As soon as I told him he walked to our room, packed a bag and left. He never said a word except for saying that he was glad he slept with <name>. She is the bi girl he was looking for a threesome with, someone I kind of expected he had been with.

 

I don’t know whether him volunteering that was a good or bad thing. My friends are split 50/50 that he is just too angry and reconciliation wont be an option or that now that we both have cheated; once he calms down we can probably work it out.

 

He hasn’t answered his phone and I have no idea where he is. His mates either don’t know or wont say.

 

He hasn’t been at work as he had a weeks annual leave this week so I can’t find him there either.

 

I do know that he is not dead (as gruesome as that sounds) as he has been using his ATM card and I can see the withdrawals online.

 

There is nothing I can do now except wait and hope.

 

On a more positive note (as if it really matters), my girlfriend and I have worked things out. Apparently it was all instigated and lead by her hubby. Her and her hubby are working through things (that’s their issue) but her and I are sweet.

 

She is staying at my house while she sorts through things with her hubby which I am not real happy about as it doesn’t allow my partner to come home and discuss things freely with me but she has nowhere else to go. I’m pretty sure she will be moving to another friends house tomorrow so that hopefully will pave the way for my partner and I to start the healing process.

[BetheButterfly]

 

Whenever you open the door to sexual deviancy, you change the playing field.

 

I think that is an accurate statement.

 

You two seem to think it's ok to bang pretty much anyone, so why should this be any different?

It's weird how people who play with fire want to try to control the fire, but fire, when it's busy ravaging the forest, can't be so easily controlled.

 

Like someone else suggested, just give him a threesome and maybe then tell him what you did. At this point in time, your threesome was just one more deviant act for your list, so what does it matter?

It seems that even for people who are in to "sexual deviancy" they do want to uphold some semblance of guidelines/faithfulness. I'm not sure why.

 

For people who are monogamous and are faithful to their partner, it's a very simple and not complicated to have the guideline of sexual acts being only with one's partner. I think that gives my husband and me, for example, great peace of mind. We trust each other and know that we are faithful to each other. We don't have to worry about who sleeps with who, because we sleep with each other and noone else. It's beautiful, simple, and not at all complicated.

 

It seems though that threesomes complicate relationships and put stress and guilt on them. It's really sad. I think the best thing she can do is come clean, tell her partner, and see if he wants a threesome with her and her girlfriend. Personally, it breaks my heart because to me, it's all pain what they are doing to each other. I don't understand why many couples today can't seem to be happy with just each other? Why do they need to add more people to their equation?

 

My husband and I enjoy sexual variety just with us 2 in the mix. We don't need to add extra people in order to have spice. We make things caliente on our own!!!

 

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. Is this really where you want to be?

[standtall]

Wow? What is the point of being committed? There is not such thing as a bisexual...there are hedonists..if it feels good..do it..regardless of the moral/ethical issues.

[mass millz]

What a bitter little baby!! At least you told him, He never told you.... He has no grounds for being mad. You get what you give, and if he can't take what he dishes out then it's his problem! And on a side note, A one time isolated incident is not worth spilling out. People make bad decisions and if you promise yourself and make the effort of NEVER doing it again chalk it up as a lesson learned and move forward with your life... From a mans point of view anyway, I would never want to know.

[Moosh]

It’s been nearly a week now and I have not heard one word from him.

 

I don’t know what to do. I have asked all his mates and they swear they haven’t heard from him. We own a rental property which at the moment is under renovation so I went to see if his was staying there but he isn’t. I took a three hour drive down to the holiday house we own and no-one has been there either.

 

He hasn’t spoken to his parents or mine. He is very close with my sister, they would normally chat once a week and she hasn’t heard from him either. He has completely dropped off the face of the earth.

 

I have sent text messages telling him that I understand he doesn’t want to talk but please just let me know he is ok, I got nothing back.

 

He is due back at work on Monday. I don’t want to cause a scene but I might have to park across the road just so see if he turns up so I know he is ok.

 

I can’t concentrate, I haven’t been eating right, I can’t sleep. I just want him back, I am so sorry for what I did. I take full responsibility for it. I just need to talk to him but he doesn’t want that right now. Will he ever want to talk?

 

Surely one night of stupidity, well not even a night, maybe an hour, cannot destroy more than 10 years of happiness?

[Moosh]

Well I finally got to sit down and talk to him and I think it's going to be difficult but we may have a chance.

 

He says the admission that he slept with the woman he was looking for a threesome with was just out of anger and trying to hurt me and was not true...mmmm, have to let that one go I think.

 

He says I can never see him again which by default means I never see my girlfriend again unless the two of them split. I honestly don't know whether I can do that. Not seeing him is no issue at all, but her, that's a whole different story.

 

He still wants his threesome and wants us to go to swingers clubs again where it will be easy to find.

 

It was good to see him again but we didn't so much talk. It was more him dictating what will happen if we are to stay together. If there is no compromise on my girlfriend I honestly don't know what I'll do.

 

He hasn't moved back home yet. He is staying with a work colleague. We are going to meet a few times this week to try and sort through this mess.

[Moosh]

Well I know I don't have a whole lot of support here and I guess after this it is just going to get worse but I want to tell my story so here it goes.

 

My girlfriend has split with her husband for good. She says she wants to be with me and given that her husband is no longer in the picture my partner is ok with me continuing to see her.

 

So last night he came around to talk through some more things but I has a surprise for him... we had our first threesome with my girlfriend. It was divine. We all enjoyed the experience.

 

He is moving back home tonight, he has asked for her to be here again and she of course will be. I have my partner back, I have my girlfriend, This has worked out so well for me.