50 year old guy, 30 year old girl...

[iiiii]

Hey there, this is my first post. It will be a long one - I apologise in advance, and I guess I understand if no one gets to the end, but it will probably help me just to type this all out!

 

So, to set the scene, I'm a 30 year old woman. I'm reasonably attractive but I don't stop traffic.

 

I've been single for 3 years now, after I ended a long term relationship that really wasn't working - properly single, no dates, no sex, since my last partner.

 

I have a job I love, volunteer work that takes up a lot of my time, great friends, I'm never bored, and I'm really not looking for a partner. I'm value my independence and autonomy very highly, and although I always think that maybe one day... perhaps in a few years... I'll find someone who really clicks with me, maybe have a child, it hasn't happened yet - and I'm OK with that. I know that's unusual, but I'm a whole lot more comfortable in my skin than I was even just a few short years back, and I can honestly say that I'm happy, really happy, with my life the way it is, and I'm not actively seeking a relationship right now.

 

So, here's my issue. I am finding myself very attracted to a new friend of mine.

 

We met via the volunteer work I do. We have spent a lot of time together in the last couple of months since we met, as that work takes up a lot of both our time. That led into coffee and sometimes grabbing a bite to eat afterwards, as friends do, since we always had a lot to talk about. It's been several months now, and we've gotten reasonably close - we email or text several times a week. I really like this guy. We come from very different backgrounds, and are quite different people, but I really enjoy hanging out with him. I admire him, value his judgement, and feel very safe in his company - like I can say just about anything to him. And just recently, I've started finding him attractive.

 

He hasn't asked me out, but has maybe, possibly, started to hint that he finds me pretty attractive too. Hand on the small of the back, inviting me out to things that aren't related to work, insisting on paying for dinner, texting just to ask how my day is, etc. It is, of course, entirely possible that I'm flattering myself and he has nothing but platonic intentions! But, the longer this goes on, the more I doubt it.

 

So, why aren't we dating? There are a couple of things that are worrying me about all this.

 

The first is that he is 20 years older than me, and already has three kids. He has told me that he doesn't want any more. And although I'm not desperate for kids, I aren't yet willing to give up on the idea of having them. Dating this guy seriously would mean just that. Should be a deal breaker, right?

 

The other reason is pretty shallow, I'm almost ashamed to type it, but I'm talking to strangers so I'm allowed to be honest and hopefully you guys won't judge me too harshly! The truth is that this guy is shorter than me, physically not conventionally attractive, and nearly as old as my dad. I have NO IDEA why I find him physically attractive. I've never been attracted to an older guy before, or a shorter one - I know some people are, and that's cool, but I never have been. Partly I'm worried one day that I'll wake up and realise that I just don't find him sexy anymore! And although other people's opinions shouldn't matter to me, they do. We do look at bit funny in public together - as if the odd person is thinking, is that her dad or her boyfriend? It shouldn't matter, but somehow it does.

 

I started off thinking, I need to write a post asking for advice how to reject him without hurting our friendship, if it ever comes to that. But, I'm not entirely sure I do want to reject him! I guess it's the sensible thing to do, but he's the first guy I have liked or trusted this much in a very, very long time. Feeling very muddled here. Any words of wisdom appreciated. Please be gentle!

Edited November 16, 2012 by iiiii
My grammar is appalling today! :p

[todreaminblue]

There might not be a situation arise where you have to deal with rejecting him that is one possible scenario the other is he may never ask, so in my opinion i feel you should decide what you are most sure about.If others opinions walking down the street affect you then maybe dating this guy is not such a good idea for you the fact that you want kids later and he doesn't would possibly become another issue he may change his mind is also another possibilities.....there are lots of those possibilities in your situation......weigh up the pros and cons but ultimately follow your heart.I have not relied on others opinions in my choice of partners.......in fact most of the time i have gotten some hard stares and few uncalled for comments when walking down the street with a previous partner)i have a multi cultural family) i hold my head high, stuff others judgements is my opinion they are not important at the end of the day.....height......is superficial to me......have dated tall guys who were total dicks arrogant as all hell and then went out with a short guy who had a chip on his shoulder the size of pluto ..i tend to trust too easily anyway..so to me height has no bearing on who the guy is and what his values and beliefs are far more important than height so is feeling safe with a guy another important trait is how he woudl treat you with respect and affection ..think about the reasons why you are attracted to him forget what other people think and i feel if you do reject him if he asks you to date, getting back to friendship will be a hard slog......but if he is a good person......it can get there....i wish you luck...deb

[Tara247]

I don't get it. What do you find attractive about this man again?

[Balzac]

Greetings. Welcome to LS.

 

Despite some of the negative comments already posted, my thought for you is to test the waters. Find a way to let the gent know you are attracted to him, open to romance and okay with him.

 

Do you know how long he's been unattached?

[Tara247]

I really believe that you are considering this man because you don't think you can do any better. Also, I just read the part where he says he doesn't want any more kids and you do. It's not going to work with this person. Move on.

[xxoo]

And although I'm not desperate for kids, I aren't yet willing to give up on the idea of having them. Dating this guy seriously would mean just that. Should be a deal breaker, right?

 

Yes, that's a reasonable dealbreaker.

 

I need to write a post asking for advice how to reject him without hurting our friendship, if it ever comes to that. But, I'm not entirely sure I do want to reject him! I guess it's the sensible thing to do, but he's the first guy I have liked or trusted this much in a very, very long time. Feeling very muddled here. Any words of wisdom appreciated. Please be gentle!

 

Just tell him that he's very charming, but you are looking to have a family.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Have a look at some of the rockers who were big in the 80s. some of them didn't age too well themselves. So that is the lottery you're dealing with with men closer to your age -- as the guys are dealing with when they choose a 20 or 30 something woman.

 

It will be interesting to find out how many people think like me, but a woman with a man who takes of her and puts her first makes him hot. A woman with a physically hot guy who treats her dismissively looks pathetic. So think about that when you think through your options.

 

Of course concern about other issues are important: Are you two compatible in bed? Does he treat you as an equal and not as a daughter or have a Henry Higgins complex?

[Forever Learning]

Lets see, I'm 43 and single, and really WOULDN'T want to date a 63 year old man right now. My parents are 73, and I know how old they look and the health issues they are facing.

 

When I'm 53, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who is 73.

 

What I'm saying is, 20 years is toooo big of an age gap.

 

You need to end this friendship with this man before you get to deeply emotionally and sexually involved with him.

 

The biggest age difference I would find workable would be 10 years, tops. And honestly, if you are single and the world is your oyster (as it is for you, my dear), it would be awesome if you would begin looking for someone within 5 years of your age.

 

Since you are 30, and since men by and large tend to be less mature than women, you will probably fit best with a man who is in the age range of 28 - 36. Just my opinion of course.

 

Having kids. Yes, there are DEALBREAKERS in relationships. These should be discerned early in the game, so people can go their separate ways pretty quickly and not languish in indecision. Having children is probably the biggest deal breaker. He doesn't want more. Game over.

 

I had my kids at age 34 and 38. More and more women are having kids in their 30's. I will tell you this, I have a bit less energy available, to chase my kids around, at age 43, than I did back when I was 35. If I could do it over, I might have had my kids a few years earlier. But I had some technical difficulties in my early 30's, including cancer, so that wasn't an option.

 

Ok here's the deal. The reason you have fallen for this guy is because you spent time with him and got to know him. This happens alot to people, especially women. If you had spent time with a single, kid free, (but eventually wanting kids) 33 year old guy via volunteering, you'd be getting to know that 33 year old single cool fun interesting sweet guy and finding him to be pretty awesome.

 

You have been spending your time with someone who is not a candidate for you to date. That needs to stop.

 

You need to explore other avenues of volunteering or dating or meetups or whatever, to meet guys in your age range that could be possible dating prospects for you.

 

I am very glad you are enjoying being single, that's awesome, and very important. But all things being equal, if you are going to spend time with someone of the opposite gender, try to let it be someone you could eventually date and have a long term relationship with.

 

Because, the thing about spending time with someone is, women tend to fall for the guy. It's called Oxytocin, its a chemical released in the brain that causes women to bond to men and babies. Google it, it's legit. I have read alot about it here on Love Shack, and elsewhere.

 

Hormones and chemicals in the brain can make us very confused, and fall for someone that logically, we know is just a waste of time for us. And then once you become attached, it hurts to let go, and you end up spending years with this person who wasn't a good fit for you. I did that for 16 years in a marriage with my ex-husband.

 

Don't fall into that trap with this guy. He is probably a great guy. But, he's too old for you, and doesn't want kids. Plus, he has 3 kids already, and you would have to deal with them and his ex-wife. Odds are, a huge pain in the ass in the long run.

 

Game over, stop now with this guy. Invest you time volunteering and doing other things, with the thought in mind of meeting guys close to your age, who are cool and pleasant to be around.

 

Friendships, and attraction, take time to cultivate. Find a good person to start with, and then get to know them. Have dealbreakers, and boundaries in mind.

 

And don't be afraid to walk away.

 

It might hurt at first, but the pain subsides with time and distracting yourself with other activities. I hope my advice helps you in some way. All the best to you dear!!

 

P.S. I totally forgot to mention the height thing.

 

You don't need to apologize to anyone for having physical preferences.

 

Let me say that again.

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE FOR HAVING PHYSICAL PREFERENCES.

 

Having preferences that you like in a man, whether it be height, hair color, skin color, or penis size, yes I said PENIS SIZE, is all OK.

 

It does NOT make you shallow, and you DO NOT have to apologize for it.

 

It's called being human, and you like what you like. That's totally allowed! It does not make you shallow! To hell with anyone who thinks you are shallow. They can go kick rocks.

 

Trying to find that perfect package in a man is not always easy, however. You may need to prioritize what it is that is most important to you.

 

And as always, what's on the inside of a person, is truly the most important of all. But physical features can't be discounted either, physical attraction is part of the equation, that's just how it is, and it's all good.

 

Cheers love!

Edited November 16, 2012 by Forever Learning

[FitChick]

I have NO IDEA why I find him physically attractive.

 

Because you are flattered that he finds YOU physically attractive and there is no one else.

[iiiii]

You're very independent and maybe this man represents the occasional opportunity to step away from that role and put the heavy stuff on someone else's shoulders, even if it's only for a couple of hours.

 

That's pretty insightful - thanks - I hadn't thought of this but it strikes a chord. I'm going to think about that some more. I think you may be onto something. I AM hugely independent, and can not deal with a guy who tries to dominate or control me in any way - but this guy is so gentle and insightful, it's easy to trust him and let him handle stuff occasionally. Like I say, I'll think about that some more.

 

But your Uncle Fester comment made me giggle, he's not a conventional hottie, but he's not that ugly! Just not the type I would ever, normally, be attracted to.

 

Thanks everyone else who made thoughtful postings, lots to think about.

 

Forever Learning, you're right, when you put it that way I wouldn't want to be with someone who was 70 when I'm 50. And the kids thing is a deal breaker.

 

If he was 5 or 10 years older than me, and still open to the idea of kids, that would be a different matter, I think.

 

BeyondtheClouds, yes, no Henry Higgins complex here, I promise! He doesn't seem to be the type that can't deal with women his own age. I've met a few of those, and they're a bit pathetic.

 

I've had a good hard look at this guy and I think he is a genuinely a really good person with honest intentions towards me. But I'm also thinking that the age, and the kids thing, is unfortunately going to be a deal breaker. Damn!

 

Todreamenblue, hopefully your first idea is right and this is all in my head, and he won't ever ask! Because you're right, if someone asks you out and you reject them, it can be pretty hard to get back to genuinely just being friends, even if that's where you started out.

 

OK, a question that is mostly for the guys. Do you think that the type of behavior I've described necessarily indicates romantic interest, or is this all in my head? Everything's been pretty subtle - I'm talking about things like insisting on paying for food most of the time when we grab a bite to eat (he does earn more than me, though), opening doors for me, emailing to talk (mostly but not exclusively about work stuff) almost every day, occasionally inviting me to non work related occasions when he knows I'll be in that part of town - the most explicit thing has been a hand on the small of the back which happened only once. Am I just fooling myself - is this just common courtesy to a female friend - or is he testing the waters for a relationship?

 

If you think this definitely does indicate attraction, then how would you prefer a woman to indicate that she views you only as a friend? I'm probably not brave enough to actually come out and say it, sorry guys, I'm quite a shy and cowardly person in some ways!

 

Am I right in thinking that I'm more likely to salvage some of the friendship if I make it clear early on, rather than waiting for him to eventually pluck up the courage to actually ask and turning him down then?

Edited November 16, 2012 by iiiii

[pteromom]

I don't think you need to over-analyze why you are attracted to him, or whether the age gap is too much.

 

You may want children. He absolutely doesn't. That alone is enough to just stop there and not go any further with the pros/cons list.

 

I would just stay friends with him. Avoid letting him put his hand on your back. Insist on paying for yourself. Don't flirt or give any signals that you may be interested in more than friendship.

 

If he does ask you out, just tell him that although you do find him attractive, you want a family, so your lives are incompatible.

[GirlontheLam]

Sounds too old too me. And not really what you are looking for. Pass.

[iiiii]

Quick update - 12 months later we're still together and both very happy.

[PegNosePete]

Congrats. My parents are 20 years apart and have been married for 40. So it certainly can work out.

 

It is a bit worrying that when you're 60, he will be 80, though. With such a large gap the younger spouse tends to become full time carer later in life.

[Charlie Harper]

Congrats !, have you given up your desire to have children?

[RedRobin]

That's great. Now take whatever you've learned in the past year and apply it to finding someone you are more compatible with in the long run.

 

 

Settling for some old guy who can't reasonably be a father at his age... Sounds desperate to me.

 

 

sucking up whatever youth you have left... it will be a bitter pill for you to swallow at some point...

 

 

...or for him when you ditch him for an age appropriate guy. Ever occurred to you that he might be with you for his 'retirement plan'?? Let's see... you'll still be a relatively young woman then. How is that going to fly??

[HappyLove]

Wow, that's great so what ever happened? How did you two hook up? What about the kids? Glad you're happy!

[VeronicaRoss]

There is no accounting for sexual attractiveness, it's deep and complicated as you get older especially.

 

The age thing per se is not a deal breaker imho but his not wanting kids and you still on the fence...don't do it. Don't even start. I can't tell you how many friends I've had who have made the decision to ignore their being on the fence about kids, getting involved thinking/hoping he'll change with them and the unhappiness it rains down on everyone...

[FitChick]

It is a bit worrying that when you're 60, he will be 80, though. With such a large gap the younger spouse tends to become full time carer later in life.

The main reason I avoid dating men older than I am. Women outlive men by about ten years on average anyway, which is why you see lots of single old ladies. The man has sucked up all their life savings for his care, generally leaving the women poverty stricken.

 

Besides, I don't like changing diapers. One reason I didn't have kids.

[joystickd]

That's great. Now take whatever you've learned in the past year and apply it to finding someone you are more compatible with in the long run.

 

 

Settling for some old guy who can't reasonably be a father at his age... Sounds desperate to me.

 

 

sucking up whatever youth you have left... it will be a bitter pill for you to swallow at some point...

 

 

...or for him when you ditch him for an age appropriate guy. Ever occurred to you that he might be with you for his 'retirement plan'?? Let's see... you'll still be a relatively young woman then. How is that going to fly??

You have a hint of ageism don't you. If they are both happy then you shouldn't be trying to give her advice that wouldn't ruin a good thing. Who are we to judge their relationship if they are both happy?

[RedRobin]

The OP has the rest of her life to hang out with much older men.

 

 

If she tries to find a man who wants kids and fails, she still won't have any problems whatsoever finding much older men who want to date her... heck, maybe even THIS guy. Like hey, call me back in 10 years when I can't have kids anymore and we'll see how it goes...

 

 

In other words... No rush on 'finding an old guy' who is attracted to her.

 

 

However, she only has a limited window of time to have a family (solo or with a partner). Best not to waste it with those who are at a different life stage or not interested.

 

 

On the flip side... can't tell you the number of older guys who were taken to the cleaners by much younger women looking to have kids. These guys were sucked in by the lure of youth. The woman gets her 2.5 kids, then dumps him for the age appropriate guy who doesn't need Viagra and she can reasonably spend her life with. Went on a date with one of those just last week. Guy was in his 40's with a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

[joystickd]

The OP has the rest of her life to hang out with much older men.

 

 

If she tries to find a man who wants kids and fails, she still won't have any problems whatsoever finding much older men who want to date her... heck, maybe even THIS guy. Like hey, call me back in 10 years when I can't have kids anymore and we'll see how it goes...

 

 

In other words... No rush on 'finding an old guy' who is attracted to her.

 

 

However, she only has a limited window of time to have a family (solo or with a partner). Best not to waste it with those who are at a different life stage or not interested.

 

 

On the flip side... can't tell you the number of older guys who were taken to the cleaners by much younger women looking to have kids. These guys were sucked in by the lure of youth. The woman gets her 2.5 kids, then dumps him for the age appropriate guy who doesn't need Viagra and she can reasonably spend her life with. Went on a date with one of those just last week. Guy was in his 40's with a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

 

Want the older men for yourself lol

[Iguanna]

I suggest you keep him as a friend. You can admire him, discuss your problems, feel comfortable around him only being a friend, you don't need to have a relationship with him. He has three kids, he doesn't want more and it's natural, would you want an old guy as the father of your kids? When the thought of a possible relationship creates so many issues, imagine what the actual relationship would create.

[RedRobin]

Want the older men for yourself lol

 

 

I don't want older men who think they are compatible with women young enough to be their daughters. So no. If/when I find out any guy I've dated has gone after women that much younger than them, its adios for him. I instantly lose all respect for him.

 

 

I just hate to see younger women throw their lives away on these guys who refuse to work on their issues and need a younger woman to feel good about themselves.

 

 

I hate to see women who are lonely, who don't feel good about themselves, or have poor role models for fathers use these guys as substitutes rather than working on their issues too. It doesn't really help either person in the long run, if you ask me.

[joystickd]

I don't want older men who think they are compatible with women young enough to be their daughters. So no. If/when I find out any guy I've dated has gone after women that much younger than them, its adios for him. I instantly lose all respect for him.

 

 

I just hate to see younger women throw their lives away on these guys who refuse to work on their issues and need a younger woman to feel good about themselves.

 

 

I hate to see women who are lonely, who don't feel good about themselves, or have poor role models for fathers use these guys as substitutes rather than working on their issues too. It doesn't really help either person in the long run, if you ask me.

How do you know these guys have issues? They might just be two people that really want each other. They didn't see each other for the age. All you are doing is assuming that he is some guy with issues wanting someone younger. You hate to see younger women throw their lives away. Be for real a lot of you women on here have issues with the younger women thing. It gets mentioned then you and several other have the ageism vagina monologues going. You passing judgement on this man but the irony is you and other women on here get called something you all have a fit because you feel like someone is judging you.

 

If those two are happy then more power to them and you should wish them the best instead of passing on your bitterness and negativity. Just because your man cheated doesn't mean he will. Be happy for someone for once damn