Sighwendy Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 My serious BF of 10 months (have discussed marriage, etc) and I went to a charity fundraiser last night. I will point out we did drive separate cars; however, we agreed beforehand that we would drive home together and he would bring me back to my car in the morning as usual. I'm small and can't drive after even one glass of wine. We had an amazing time at the party. We laughed, danced and kissed all night and probably drank a little too much. When we decided to leave we decided to use the restrooms and I got caught up laughing with a group of girls in there. He texted me "I'm leaving". I managed to catch him as he was leaving the restaurant. He initially said it was ridiculous to leave him waiting for 15 minutes and he had heard me laughing with the women in there and that since I was a consenting adult (what???) I could stay if I wanted to. I was appalled that he would leave his tipsy girlfriend alone in a bar 6 blocks away from her car. He now says he knows he shouldn't have left me and that it "wasn't a behavior characteristic of who he is". That's true - I would never have believed he would leave me in a dicy situation. I'm horrified. This points to huge trust and respect issues to me. I'm thinking this is a deal breaker/red flag and I would be a fool to stay with him. He thinks this is a one time thing and that I shouldn't end the relationship over it. My question is if he will leave me in an unsafe situation on one of the best nights of our life is he going to let me sink with the Titanic later on? (drama infused for entertainment purposes only). Help....
TigerCub Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Hmmmm... you were with your friends, so its not like you were with complete strangers hammered out of your mind and he left you. Honestly? If he had left - do you honestly think that you wouldn't have been able to make it home ok? You couldn't have gotten a ride with one of those friends you were talking to? You couldn't have called a cab? etc.. I'm not saying that what he was about to do isn't upsetting. I'm just saying that you're totally blowing it out of proportion. Also, you said it yourself, you both had more to drink than you should have. He was getting drunk, probably tired, and didn't want to stand around waiting for you 15+ minutes. I know that my bf wouldn't have left (in that same kind of situation), but he would have showed great annoyance and wanted me to wrap it up and go. And I wouldn't blame him. So...If he did really leave, it would have showed that he's not all that reliable, and you'd have a right to be lil upset. But maybe you should also learn that its not nice to have someone just standing there waiting for you when you know that they are ready to go. But don't compare him leaving you in a safe place to him leaving you to die in a "Titanic" situation. 1
Emilia Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Drama indeed. While he sounds a bit of a buffoon for sending that text while you were chatting, perhaps it was more than 15 minutes? It does sound like however that you should become more independent and not rely on some prince in shining armour to simply get home from an entertainment venue. I'm assuming you don't live in South Africa or Afghanistan. 2
Author Sighwendy Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 Ok. I take responsibility for drama queening. But in all honesty it was less than 5 min, the women in the bathroom were strangers and the issue isn't so much if I could've taken a cab home it's that any guy who will blow his top over waiting a perceived 15 minutes when you've just bought him a 3 day golf trip and a box of naughty toys at a silent auction is a little unreliable if you ask me. Two things - A text of "I'm irritated I want us to leave now" would have sent me scurrying out of the bathroom apologizing. Our relationship is really close, we aren't frequent partiers who cab home separately. We had a box of naughty toys for Pete's sake.
FitChick Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 You shouldn't get married if you can't deal with something as petty as this. 4
Janesays Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I think it's very rude to sit and laugh with a bunch of girlfriends while your boyfriend just stands there waiting. He was annoyed with YOUR out of line behavior and responded in kind. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but it doesn't let you off the hook either. If you really want to make this work, you need to own up to your disrespect of him too. You were both wrong and you both need to apologize. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Does this really even matter? When's the last time you heard a woman leaving over anything like this? You've already invested your time and so much into this relationship as many people like determine value of relationships by a timeline, so I wouldn't imagine you'd be any different....therefore I think you're blowing this way up even though you're going to settle down and everything will be fine in just a few days...unless you're a grudge holder in which you'll antagonize him over a period of time, maybe even forever but never leave him for it. So who's the drama queen if you're actually BSing us as well as him as if you'd actually abandon this relationship? sounds like attention whoring/entitlement pouting IMO. Try to take yourself more seriously and treat him with a bit more respect, yes I'm sure you weren't gone for long and he exaggerated, he probably was tired and wanted to go home or whatever his reason was...if you can't resolve little petty arguments like this, talk them through and take into consideration the situation but have to blow this out of proportion then you have bigger problems coming down the road than this.
Author Sighwendy Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 Thank you guys. I am properly chastened. My whole point in posting was to get an outside perspective on whether I was overreacting. Obviously I was. I'm glad you guys painfully whipped me back into reality before I acted like a dramatic whiny nutcase to him. He and I will still have a talk about not disappearing and leaving someone when you attend a party as a couple but I will take responsibility for being an idiot and basically abandoning him first in the bathroom. I'm sorry you feel I wasted your time on the board. It was an important thing to me. 2
Janesays Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Thank you guys. I am properly chastened. My whole point in posting was to get an outside perspective on whether I was overreacting. Obviously I was. I'm glad you guys painfully whipped me back into reality before I acted like a dramatic whiny nutcase to him. He and I will still have a talk about not disappearing and leaving someone when you attend a party as a couple but I will take responsibility for being an idiot and basically abandoning him first in the bathroom. I'm sorry you feel I wasted your time on the board. It was an important thing to me. Tip: Just apologize for your part. Pause and wait. If you're sincere and earnest, he should apologize for his part, too. "I'm sorry, but you..." is not an apology. And remember: If this is the biggest fight you've ever had with your SO, you're doing pretty darn good. 3
pteromom Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Yes, you were overreacting, as you said. The big takeaway in this is to communicate expectations. It will cause a lot of future arguments if you go forward just assuming he will always do what you would do. So if you go to a party together again, communicate about what should happen if you drink too much, if he does, if he wants to leave, if you do. It's always better to risk saying something dumb and obvious than to just make assumptions about what should happen. 2
dasein Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Good for you for venting it out here, and realizing it is just one of those things that happens sometime. These misunderstandings will pop up all the time, and you both have learned how to better handle them. That's progress. Good luck in a continuing happy relationship. 1
ascendotum Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 You have been together for 10 months, and talk of the longterm. I think you are way over reacting to want to chuck it in over this incident. When you say 'dicy', like what...you live in Cape Town or Caracas? I know you said you are small build, but you had 1 drink! He did not plan on leaving you there off your face drunk. You are not at some stranger's party on the other side of town, you are at a charity fundraiser. Sounds like a pretty safe event/venue. I am sure you could find people to chat & mingle with like you did in the toilets, for the next 1/2hr while you sober up enough to drive with confidence. Both your actions cancel each other out. You talk about respect, but then kept him waiting out the front for 15 mins (maybe more).
mesmerized Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Honestly, it would annoy me too. What he did was very childish. Personally, I'm done with immature relationships so it certainly would be a big red flag for me. Men who are impulsive and get angry so fast tend to repeat this behavior. I think you are going to see more of this in future. 3
crude Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 This isn't really that big a deal. And it sounds to me like you'd have no problem letting HIM sink on the Titanic, as long as YOU got home safely. 1
maybealone Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 This points to huge trust and respect issues to me. For me, it would not point to huge trust and respect issues but it would point to huge maturity issues. A simple text of, "I am ready to go now" would have sufficed. Honestly, it would annoy me too. What he did was very childish. Personally, I'm done with immature relationships so it certainly would be a big red flag for me. I agree, and I am also done with men who are only happy when things are going exactly the way they want them to. Although I agree with some of the others that your original post is kind of drama-queenish, I would be watching his behavior closely to see if this really was or was not out of character for him. 1
KraftDinner Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 When you were in the bathroom, what was he doing? Did you have reason to think he was chatting with people as well? 15 minutes would be rude. In that case I'd think you were rude and he reacted like a spoiled child...with a bit of a bad temper thrown in. If it was, as you said, likely less than 5 minutes...then he has serious issues. Seriously, this smacks of trust problems if it really was less than 5 minutes, as in he is not trustworthy and/or he might be emotionally abusive...leaving you somewhere because he has to wait a few minutes? Wow. That sounds incredibly controlling and/or manipulative. There are some people here that think if a woman isn't totally angelic, she deserves to be treated like garbage. Don't feel 'chastened.' I know at this point it's easiest to try to make this your fault; after all, you can control YOU, not him. And then you don't have to think about ending things or watching out or whatever. But I agree with your original post. His behaviour was way off. Maybe not a dealbreaker right now, but maybe the underlying control issues and passive aggression will rear its head again in ways that are not so easy to deal with. A couple years ago, I posted something on a message board about my (then) boyfriend dropping me off at home after a party and then going to sleep over at a friend's, and people all posted things like I'm overreacting, blah blah blah. But it felt so off to me...it was easy, though, to write that off like people told me to. But they weren't there and I was, and it turns out he was up to no good. If it feels off, it's good to get outside opinions...but it still feels off, doesn't it?
SJC2008 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Alcohol was involved so you start chatting it up and forget about him and he blows a gasket. We don't know yalls hist; Do you always lag around when it's time to go and he blew a gasket? If this is an isolated inscident he was OTT with his actions. A simple "Let's go babe" wold of done. If this is an isolated over-reaction on his end IMO it shouldn't be a deal breaker, only if a pattern develops. Both of yall need to drink a glass of grow the phuk up!
Quiet Storm Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Well, I can tell you one thing. I have made my husband wait on a few occasions over the last couple of decades... and he has been pissed, but has never left me. Or threatened to leave me. I've gotten some huffin' & chest puffin, lol. But no threats to ditch me. My husband feels protective of me. He wouldn't leave me alone somewhere because he would be genuinely concerned that something might happen to me. I know that with 100% certainty, he would never leave me somewhere with no way home. Leaving him waiting for 15 minutes is disrespectful. You should've been thinking about him, and not about chatting with strangers in the bathroom. But still, he didn't have to say that. But I don't think it warrants a break up. He didn't leave you... no matter what he said. Actions speak louder than words. And you both had some drinks... just let it go. You don't have to turn one small conflict, into one big drama. 1
Sameold Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 He was probably just hacked off, have a good moan at each other, put it behind you and next time tell him to contact you as sometimes you get carried away. Also, apologise for being late and leaving him waiting. If he did leave you alone then that would have been different advice as that is not classy. Then again I am a British gent
pathetic1999 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I have had similar experiences with my ex that I ignored as red flags, but it was more along the lines of he would get mad at me for something and just storm out. Something such as he was jealous over NOTHING and just leave me somewhere with people I didn't know and sure I can take a cab but should I have to? In retrospect after the 2nd time I should have realized he was immature and instead of dealing with an issue with me that he had (real or not) he just ran out and left me alone in a major city after dark. I don't think leaving someone waiting for a few minutes while you have a conversation is a horrible thing to do, I have done it to people and they have to me, big whoop. If I get irritable I text hey did you die? I'm tired. or something silly like that, not just leave! It for sure points to a maturity level, it's red flag but not enough to leave at least for me but if it happens again...much to my dismay I wish I would have left after the second time for me because it only got worse.
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