I miss my cheating ex husband. What's the right thing to do?

[JessieM123]

I met my ex when I was 17 he was 19. We were friends for a year and then we started dating. We fell madly in love with each other and got married when I was 21 he was 23. He was my first love and he took my virginity. We have two kids (6 & 5) We were married for about 5 years when he told me he was having an affair on and off for almost a year. I can't even begin to tell you how badly it hurt me. I was beyond shattered. He said he understood if I wanted to go but he hoped I wouldn't. I said nothing...I was stunned. I took the kids and went to my sisters place. He kept calling and saying how sorry he was and that he missed me and the kids and begged me to come home....so I did. He begged for forgiveness literally on his knees, and I told him I'd give it a try. I did try. But it was no use. I began to despise him. I hated making him dinner, keeping house, doing his laundry, all the things a wife should do, I just couldn't. I couldn't even stand sleeping in the same bed as him so I was sleeping in the kids room. Needless to say sex was a thing of the past, I wouldn't even let him touch me. It was no use...I tried for the better part of a year to make the hurt, anger and hate go away. It wouldn't. So I filed for divorce...I moved out and we got joined custody of the kids. Last night was our daughters birthday and he came over for the party. We all had a really good time and it felt like a family. Hes a great dad. He stayed after the party to help me get the kids to bed and he even helped me clean up. We started talking and he told me he missed 'this' a lot. I said I did too but it's too late. He said again how sorry he is and he started crying....then I started crying...we hugged and held each other for what felt like forever but really was a few minutes. It was getting late and he said he was gonna go. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just hold him right there forever but I said goodnight and he left. I want to forgive him but how can I? What example would I be setting? "it's okay to let people walk all over you as long as they say 'sorry' it's all good", is that how I want my kids, family and friends to see me? As a weak, helpless person? And what about him? Won't he feel that he can have this power to do whatever he wants and all he has to do is shed some tears and I'll come running back? But I love him...I've loved him for 10 years. My head is spinning! I'm so confused, hurt, sad, angry, embarrassed, scared, lonely....and every other negative emotion you can think of. Idk what to do anymore. It hurts to be with him, it hurts to be without him. What is the right thing to do?

[JessieM123]

I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong section. This is my first time on here.

 

If I'm in the wrong section, please let me know exactly where I should be posting. Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is indeed a Second Chances Forum here that might give you better feedback:

 

Second Chances - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

We were married for about 5 years when he told me he was having an affair on and off for almost a year.

 

 

I can't even begin to tell you how badly it hurt me. I was beyond shattered. He said he understood if I wanted to go but he hoped I wouldn't. I said nothing...I was stunned. I took the kids and went to my sisters place. He kept calling and saying how sorry he was and that he missed me and the kids and begged me to come home....so I did. He begged for forgiveness literally on his knees, and I told him I'd give it a try. I did try.

 

 

 

But it was no use. I began to despise him. I hated making him dinner, keeping house, doing his laundry, all the things a wife should do, I just couldn't. I couldn't even stand sleeping in the same bed as him so I was sleeping in the kids room. Needless to say sex was a thing of the past, I wouldn't even let him touch me. It was no use...I tried for the better part of a year to make the hurt, anger and hate go away. It wouldn't. So I filed for divorce...I moved out and we got joined custody of the kids.

 

 

 

 

 

Last night was our daughters birthday and he came over for the party. We all had a really good time and it felt like a family. Hes a great dad. He stayed after the party to help me get the kids to bed and he even helped me clean up. We started talking and he told me he missed 'this' a lot. I said I did too but it's too late. He said again how sorry he is and he started crying....then I started crying...we hugged and held each other for what felt like forever but really was a few minutes. It was getting late and he said he was gonna go. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just hold him right there forever but I said goodnight and he left.

 

You know he was playing you - leaving first as he sensed you were beginning to have feelings or possibly desire him again. People want what they cannot get. That was a smart move on his part.

 

I want to forgive him but how can I? What example would I be setting? "it's okay to let people walk all over you as long as they say 'sorry' it's all good", is that how I want my kids, family and friends to see me? As a weak, helpless person? And what about him?

 

There are many ways to "forgive." To forgive this man does not mean to forget what happened, nor does it mean that you will ever desire or give into him again. You could concievably forgive him, but know he is not the type of person you want to risk your future with after this incident. It is up to you.

 

This affair went on for some time right under your nose. That means he probably was having realtions with the two of you at the same time - risking your health. And really, how do you know if this is the only girl?

 

Another interesting question I would like to know is how you found out. If he did not of his own valicion, come to you and confess, and you found out on your own, I would suspect his apologies really mean "I'm sorry I got caught." I cannot get away from that, personally.

 

Won't he feel that he can have this power to do whatever he wants and all he has to do is shed some tears and I'll come running back?

 

This is certainly possible. Has he earned your trust back? What sort of man is he? Does he have a good character? Has he given you all the information about this woman? Once you let him in the door - he is inside, and it might not be too easy to get him out.

 

This is a decision that only you can make. I am analyizing one post. I do not like the "I have to go now" thing during the embrace. I don't care if the house was burning down, if I were him I would have let you end the embrace, and end the evening, period. Now your left like a puppy dog "missing" him and writing this post. Next thing you know, you are going to sleep with him to get him to stay, and then, chemically, he will have you.

 

But I love him...I've loved him for 10 years. My head is spinning! I'm so confused, hurt, sad, angry, embarrassed, scared, lonely....and every other negative emotion you can think of.

 

I want you to look up "Hysterical Bonding" for me, before you end up sleeping with him and become even more mixed up. You need to know what you are experiencing. I think this may be a close match worth you time.

 

Idk what to do anymore. It hurts to be with him, it hurts to be without him. What is the right thing to do?

 

There is no right or wrong. Thee is also an excellent book entitled "Love Must Be Tough," by James Dobson. I think you have put his strategy to good use by "causing a crisis occur" - rather than just letting this outragious conduct get swept under the rug. Consequesnces can be good teachers (for "some" people.).

 

My last recommendation to you is to look up the "Types of Forgiveness." I cannot think of the author's name at the moment.

 

 

I hope these notes help you. I tried to be balanced - or at least as balanced as your post. I don't think I was successful. I was overly negative - as I do not have much hope for this guy, due to your viseral response to his adultry.

 

In my own case, I understand that feeling of not being able to cook a meal, wash clothes, etc. But, even though I still have feelings for him, I could never, ever care for his needs again - this I know. I've changed, I could never live with him again, even if he desired me. But, even though he did some terrible things to me, I've also forgiven him. In addition, I have faced the fact that I to have done some terrible things and hope to be forgiven. But I'm not asking to be. No contact is best in these situations. Good luck. Yas

Edited November 16, 2012 by Yasuandio

[BetrayedH]

I had two gut instincts when I read your post.

 

The first is to question what has changed such that things would be different on this attempt after your last one failed? If nothing has changed other than a brief emotional bonding moment, I question if that's enough. It sounds (based on the little info we have here) that he was remorseful for his cheating. The other piece of the puzzle is whether or not you can forgive. Has that changed for you?

 

My second thought - As for the message you would be sending, I assume you divorced him since you refer to him as your ex-husband. Divorce is hardly a free pass. I think your message now would be much more about your ability to forgive a truly remorseful man that you've loved than about anything else. You didn't roll over and play dead.

[96nole]

I met my ex when I was 17 he was 19. We were friends for a year and then we started dating. We fell madly in love with each other and got married when I was 21 he was 23. He was my first love and he took my virginity. We have two kids (6 & 5) We were married for about 5 years when he told me he was having an affair on and off for almost a year. I can't even begin to tell you how badly it hurt me. I was beyond shattered. He said he understood if I wanted to go but he hoped I wouldn't. I said nothing...I was stunned. I took the kids and went to my sisters place. He kept calling and saying how sorry he was and that he missed me and the kids and begged me to come home....so I did. He begged for forgiveness literally on his knees, and I told him I'd give it a try. I did try. But it was no use. I began to despise him. I hated making him dinner, keeping house, doing his laundry, all the things a wife should do, I just couldn't. I couldn't even stand sleeping in the same bed as him so I was sleeping in the kids room. Needless to say sex was a thing of the past, I wouldn't even let him touch me. It was no use...I tried for the better part of a year to make the hurt, anger and hate go away. It wouldn't. So I filed for divorce...I moved out and we got joined custody of the kids. Last night was our daughters birthday and he came over for the party. We all had a really good time and it felt like a family. Hes a great dad. He stayed after the party to help me get the kids to bed and he even helped me clean up. We started talking and he told me he missed 'this' a lot. I said I did too but it's too late. He said again how sorry he is and he started crying....then I started crying...we hugged and held each other for what felt like forever but really was a few minutes. It was getting late and he said he was gonna go. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just hold him right there forever but I said goodnight and he left. I want to forgive him but how can I? What example would I be setting? "it's okay to let people walk all over you as long as they say 'sorry' it's all good", is that how I want my kids, family and friends to see me? As a weak, helpless person? And what about him? Won't he feel that he can have this power to do whatever he wants and all he has to do is shed some tears and I'll come running back? But I love him...I've loved him for 10 years. My head is spinning! I'm so confused, hurt, sad, angry, embarrassed, scared, lonely....and every other negative emotion you can think of. Idk what to do anymore. It hurts to be with him, it hurts to be without him. What is the right thing to do?

 

You've already shown you are not a weak and helpless person. You didn't say everything was OK after he said he was sorry.

 

If you want to try it again, you can do so without looking like a weak, helpless person that can be walked on by just being told "sorry".

 

If you want to try it again, then you tell him you are willing to, but only on your terms. You will start slow by dating. You will remain living in separate places. Make it clear to him that if he lies- it's over. If he sees anyone else on the side- it's over. If you still are not comfortable with him- it's over.

 

Perhaps he did learn his lesson. Perhaps he is changed. Perhaps he will be able to earn your trust back.

 

If you try this and you find you still can't stand being around him, then you know it is over. You'll never question it going forward.

or

It could work out.

[pteromom]

If you both want to see if it is possible to rekindle your relationship, visit a marriage counselor together. A good one.

 

Talk through everything with no expectations and take it a step at a time.

[96nole]

If you both want to see if it is possible to rekindle your relationship, visit a marriage counselor together. A good one.

 

Talk through everything with no expectations and take it a step at a time.

Agree 100%. Lay it all on the table. Let him know exactly what you think and feel. What do you have to lose?

[Tethys]

I've never been betrayed on this level before, but my reaction is that people make mistakes. I think you handled it really well because you really cut him off and let him see what life would be like with out his family and I think often with men (I'm one of them) we have to get hit in the gut for anything to register. It sounds like he's at a point where he knows what he's put at risk (a happy family life), but make it clear you'll do the same thing (pack up w/the kids) if he ever cheats again.

[aMguilts]

I've never been betrayed on this level before, but my reaction is that people make mistakes. I think you handled it really well because you really cut him off and let him see what life would be like with out his family and I think often with men (I'm one of them) we have to get hit in the gut for anything to register. It sounds like he's at a point where he knows what he's put at risk (a happy family life), but make it clear you'll do the same thing (pack up w/the kids) if he ever cheats again.

 

 

 

Hiya Tethys:)

 

 

aM

Edited November 18, 2012 by aMguilts

[Steadfast]

We started talking and he told me he missed 'this' a lot. I said I did too but it's too late. He said again how sorry he is and he started crying....then I started crying...we hugged and held each other for what felt like forever but really was a few minutes. It was getting late and he said he was gonna go. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just hold him right there forever but I said goodnight and he left.

 

You know he was playing you - leaving first as he sensed you were beginning to have feelings or possibly desire him again. People want what they cannot get. That was a smart move on his part.

 

I thought the same exact thing when I read that. Straight out of the Player's Handbook. I've used it myself a couple of times, in the past. It's a slack-trap. Many women fall for it, especially when vulnerable.

 

For you, best to be very sure that you're not confusing loneliness for love.

 

Then again, my pop cheated, my mom took him back and he never did anything like that again. He was a great husband and father, after. I'm not sure just how many men like him there are in the world today. He screwed up, but was truly remorseful. He didn't want to lose her or his family. Yet, as I've written before, he carried that guilt with him to his death bed...even after mom insisted he forgive himself and forget. He couldn't. It's a curse.

 

He laid all of this out to me in his later years. I was shocked. I never suspected that could ever happen to him. Like I said, he was a great man.

 

You tell us; is he made of the right stuff? Does he really love you, or is he just down? Lonely? Broke? Unsuccessful in other relationships? You seem like a pretty smart girl...I'm sure you'll figure it out. Remember: actions. not words. With enough practice, anyone can lay out a good talk. It's much, much harder to be a real man.

[Steadfast]

We started talking and he told me he missed 'this' a lot. I said I did too but it's too late. He said again how sorry he is and he started crying....then I started crying...we hugged and held each other for what felt like forever but really was a few minutes. It was getting late and he said he was gonna go. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just hold him right there forever but I said goodnight and he left.

 

You know he was playing you - leaving first as he sensed you were beginning to have feelings or possibly desire him again. People want what they cannot get. That was a smart move on his part.

 

I thought the same exact thing when I read that. Straight out of the Player's Handbook. I've used it myself a couple of times, in the past. It's a slack-trap. Many women fall for it, especially when vulnerable.

 

For you, best to be very sure that you're not confusing loneliness for love.

 

Then again, my pop cheated, my mom took him back and he never did anything like that again. He was a great husband and father, after. I'm not sure just how many men like him there are in the world today. He screwed up, but was truly remorseful. He didn't want to lose her or his family. Yet, as I've written before, he carried that guilt with him to his death bed...even after mom insisted he forgive himself and forget. He couldn't. It's a curse.

 

He laid all of this out to me in his later years. I was shocked. I never suspected that could ever happen to him. Like I said, he was a great man.

 

You tell us; is he made of the right stuff? Does he really love you, or is he just down? Lonely? Broke? Unsuccessful in other relationships? You seem like a pretty smart girl...I'm sure you'll figure it out. Remember: actions. not words. With enough practice, anyone can lay out a good talk. It's much, much harder to be a real man.

[EmptyinNV]

My only advice is, what does your intuition say?

 

Follow it.