i really miss him but he cheated

[JessieM123]

Please forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong section, this is my first time here.

 

I met my ex when I was 17 he was 19. We were friends for a year and then we started dating. We fell madly in love with each other and got married when I was 21 he was 23. He was my first love and he took my virginity. We have two kids (6 & 5) We were married for about 5 years when he told me he was having an affair on and off for almost a year. I can't even begin to tell you how badly it hurt me. I was beyond shattered. He said he understood if I wanted to go but he hoped I wouldn't. I said nothing...I was stunned. I took the kids and went to my sisters place. He kept calling and saying how sorry he was and that he missed me and the kids and begged me to come home....so I did. He begged for forgiveness literally on his knees, and I told him I'd give it a try. I did try. But it was no use. I began to despise him. I hated making him dinner, keeping house, doing his laundry, all the things a wife should do, I just couldn't. I couldn't even stand sleeping in the same bed as him so I was sleeping in the kids room. Needless to say sex was a thing of the past, I wouldn't even let him touch me. It was no use...I tried for the better part of a year to make the hurt, anger and hate go away. It wouldn't. So I filed for divorce...I moved out and we got joined custody of the kids. Last night was our daughters birthday and he came over for the party. We all had a really good time and it felt like a family. Hes a great dad. He stayed after the party to help me get the kids to bed and he even helped me clean up. We started talking and he told me he missed 'this' a lot. I said I did too but it's too late. He said again how sorry he is and he started crying....then I started crying...we hugged and held each other for what felt like forever but really was a few minutes. It was getting late and he said he was gonna go. I didn't want him to. I wanted to just hold him right there forever but I said goodnight and he left. I want to forgive him but how can I? What example would I be setting? "it's okay to let people walk all over you as long as they say 'sorry' it's all good", is that how I want my kids, family and friends to see me? As a weak, helpless person? And what about him? Won't he feel that he can have this power to do whatever he wants and all he has to do is shed some tears and I'll come running back? But I love him...I've loved him for 10 years. My head is spinning! I'm so confused, hurt, sad, angry, embarrassed, scared, lonely....and every other negative emotion you can think of. Idk what to do anymore. It hurts to be with him, it hurts to be without him. What is the right thing

[lulee]

Im sorry to hear what you are going through.i totally get where you stand, sometimes you just have to stand your ground no matter how much it hurts in the process. It does not matter if you met at 12 and married at 20, if he loves you he LOVES you and only you, to have an affair for a year whether it is on and off it kept going for a year still made him want to be involved with that person that long. The guilt was obviously killing him when he became honest with you about the affair.

 

I will tell you this, although it will always be in your mind and you will never forget you can forgive him, it will just take time, and it is possible to build your relationship again and trust again, but just let him realize what a mistake he made. Don't go back to soon, when i mean soon i mean let yourself heal and accept what happened until YOU are ready to move on with him by your side. It is possible but it is NOT easy.

 

You can work through it, if he really loves you, you will get through this together.

 

Do not let him stay or anything like that because it will just put you weak, let him somewhat suffer a bit, because you are obviously not ready just yet to be accepting of what happened. Do, however, consider that at least he was honest with you and told you himself about the affair. That counts as something because he, himself told you not someone else. However, do not give in too easily. You have been so strong this whole time and for that i am very considerate of you because i do not know how i would handle it. Friends and family whom this has happened to have gotten through it and are still married and happy together and i am sure you can too, you just have to let yourself heal otherwise if you get back with him too soon you will only have resentment.

 

Be strong, stay strong, stay focused and stay positive and it will work out, if you BOTH want it to. Have a heart to heart chat with him only if YOU feel comfortable doing so. Sometimes our feelings are blurred with what really is going on and emotions do get the best of us. So, take this time away from each other to analyze what it is that you want from him and what is expected of him and see if you both can come to an agreement. It is hard sometimes to forgive the ones we LOVE only because we see them as perfect only because we know they love us so much that they are not expected to mess up, but we all do eventually whether it is a disagreement or an argument or even been unfaithful, but a marriage its just that a marriage you can make it through together if there is still love and attraction towards each other.

 

You both can get through it, it seems to me from what i read that there is still love from both sides, so it can still work and you both can still survive this TOGETHER.

 

but give yourself time ti heal first and to realize where it is that you stand.

 

best of luck you can get through this

[alexandria35]

First of all don't worry about what anyone else thinks. This is your life and your family and you're the one who has to live with your decisions, so making decisions based on a fear of what others think doesn't make much sense.

 

As for if you can forgive him, well that's hard to say. Some people really truly cannot ever forgive infidelity and that's fine. During the time you spent with him after he admitted to the cheating, what steps did the two of you take to honestly reconcille and repair the marriage? Because just staying together and trying to move on like everything is fine is not true reconcilliation and you're never going to find forgiveness for him that way. If you two were just trying to sweep the whole affair under the rug and carry on the marriage as usual then it's no wonder your resentment and hostility towards him just grew bigger and bigger.

 

If you and he want to try to save this marriage again then both of you need to be ready for some deep soul searching and hard work. You need to have honest and frank conversations about the cheating. He needs to dig deep and figure out why he cheated in the first place and then tell you what he plans to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. This might include marriage counselling and possibly individual counselling. Was there more then one affair partner? Has he severed contact with his affair partner(s)? Is he willing to be transparent? If he says he wants to save the marriage but then balks at taking the neccessary steps to recovery then the marriage is over and you are right to keep right on walking. If he does show a willingness to do whatever it takes then it's totally up to you to decide and nobody has a right to judge you for your decision. It's your life.