i'm so tired of trying to be "perfect"

[q]

i have this perfectionistic part of me that is killing me, literally. i have been with this guy for a long time now and i have this problem with control and jealousy (not to be confused with others here, this is my first time posting).

 

well i have tried and tried so hard to control my controlling and jealousy but it seems i take one step forward then two back, how do you win at this thing?

 

it seems so unbeatable when little voices in your head constantly put these ideas about your spouse that you know just arent true.

 

so i've been thinking that maybe it's better to leave him. i'm just tired of being the bad guy here. i don't want him to do anything without me and he helped that along by always wanting to do things together, now when he wants to do something with the guys like football games, going out etc. i feel so left out and hurt.

 

this sounds terrible i know that, but it seems know matter how hard i keep trying i can't seem to let go of things to let him do what he wants without feeling threatened. what can i do?! i'm ready to leave him so he don't have to decide between his friends and me anymore.

 

it would make his life so much more easier and less complicated if i wasn't in it. i know that by the way he gets so mad at me and frustrated with me that he don't even know what to do. what can i do? should i leave him to his life style and peace of mind? i know he don't want to split up, but it seems it doesn't matter how hard i try,i succeed for a while then crash, hard!

 

i'm tired of defeating myself as well.

[Tony T]

You need to get into some sort of recovery program. Go back to the LoveShack homepage, click on the links section, and then click on "addiction and recovery."

 

You have severe self esteem and control issues that will adversely affect every important relationship you have until you die.

 

I suggest the addiction and recovery section because you are now aware of the problem and admit you have no control over it. This is the initial part of any 12 step recovery program.

 

By joining a support group, getting a sponsor, and working very hard, over a period of time you can overcome this problem. Just as an alcoholic feels he has no control over the consumption of alcholic beverages, you feel you have no control over your behavior.

 

You can remain in your current relationship. Seek the support of your partner during the critical stages of this process, which could take a year or more of hard work, followed by a lifetime of rigid behavioral conditioning to ensure you do not fall into this trap again.

 

The group setting will also increase your self esteem because you will be in contact with others who are also in various situations over which they feel they have no control.

 

Your other option, of course, is massive and costly psychotherapy and that is fine if you can afford it. But an appropriate 12 step program, in my opinion, would be just as good...if not better.

[Deejette]

I don't think you should leave your boyfriend just because of your jealousy issues. They won't go away just because you do. With the next boyfriend you have you will go through the same thing.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't want to split up, or he would have gone already. I think you can work on this through counselling. You want to get rid of these traits and that is a good start.

You need to get into some sort of recovery program. Go back to the LoveShack homepage, click on the links section, and then click on "addiction and recovery." You have severe self esteem and control issues that will adversely affect every important relationship you have until you die. I suggest the addiction and recovery section because you are now aware of the problem and admit you have no control over it. This is the initial part of any 12 step recovery program. By joining a support group, getting a sponsor, and working very hard, over a period of time you can overcome this problem. Just as an alcoholic feels he has no control over the consumption of alcholic beverages, you feel you have no control over your behavior. You can remain in your current relationship. Seek the support of your partner during the critical stages of this process, which could take a year or more of hard work, followed by a lifetime of rigid behavioral conditioning to ensure you do not fall into this trap again. The group setting will also increase your self esteem because you will be in contact with others who are also in various situations over which they feel they have no control. Your other option, of course, is massive and costly psychotherapy and that is fine if you can afford it. But an appropriate 12 step program, in my opinion, would be just as good...if not better.