SpiralOut Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 I've struggled with depression most of my life. The main thing that's been keeping me going is my dream. I have pushed myself through bad situations with the knoweldge that things will get better. I also numbed myself out so that I could not get hurt. I was afraid of getting so hurt and so low again, like when I was severely depressed, that I would give up. So I shut those feelings off so I could finish my education and make it through difficult jobs. I've gone through periods of being overworked and stressed out and poor. I knew that no matter how hard things were, I had a bright future waiting for me. The future is here. Now I am at the point where it's time to make my dreams happen. Maybe I could have tried earlier, instead of waiting until now. But this is the way it is. I waited until now, and I dont' want to wait anymore. This is what I've been working towards. So that's what I'm doing. It scares the crap out of me. I'm having trouble with actually doing anything that I should be doing. I think it's because I'm worried this won't work. If this doesn't work, what will I have left? I have nothing else to look forward to. This is it. I haven't even failed yet but it's still becoming harder for me to keep going as I come to realize how difficult this is going to be. Why can't I have my act together. I know people my age who have good careers as nurses, and they are married and starting a family. I don't have any of that. How much harder do I have to work and how much longer will this take. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
teri50 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 You may benefit from talking to someone about your problems and maybe finding the right medication and or dosage for you. Continue to put YOU first.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 You have not mentioned if you've worked at all with physicians and today there is a lot of knowledge and many options you can take advantage of to finish the job of getting yourself going. I'm not hearing that you're just depressed--I'm hearing that you have fears. Perhaps what you have is some sort of social anxiety and the recriminations you place upon yourself for not acting feel like depression. There may be other ways to see and treat it. I have been through them myself and my therapy and especially my medication help me understand the nuances of my feelings so that I could overcome them and not have them overcome me. Human beings are not "created" one-by-one from some for of specification sheet--we all come into the world through animal processes that never pair perfect gene sources. So you might want to consider if myth is blocking you from accepting truth and whatever truth calls for in the way of remedy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 I've already tried talking to someone. She didn't diagnose me with anything or suggest putting me on any sort of medication. Eventually I felt like she didn't have any understanding of me at all, just treated me like I was acting upset for nothing so I stopped going. I don't have a family doctor. I am not sure if a doctor at the walk-in clinic would be able to prescribe something for me. If so then I'll go but yeah I don't know. I haven't had the energy to make myself go to one. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I've already tried talking to someone. She didn't diagnose me with anything or suggest putting me on any sort of medication. Eventually I felt like she didn't have any understanding of me at all, just treated me like I was acting upset for nothing so I stopped going. I don't have a family doctor. I am not sure if a doctor at the walk-in clinic would be able to prescribe something for me. If so then I'll go but yeah I don't know. I haven't had the energy to make myself go to one. Thanks for asking. If you need some support to help you, let's keep a dialogue open. The first thing is that if you have a full blood work-up done by any doctor, you will at least find out if you're anemic or have any physiological issues which may make you feel sluggish. If your blood turns out to show you're normal, tell the doctor you would either like to be referred to a psychiatrist or just tell him your condition and see if he'll try to work with you. I found talk therapy a waste but it became useful after a psychiatrist prescribed and SSRI (Prozac). I seem to lose all of my blushing and shyness and stopped cycling around anger and disappointment. No one could teach me how to feel differently. The medicine just worked and then I could see exactly what changed for the better. And talking about it helped me define the ways I changed so I could strengthen them by myself. I hope to see some posts from you in the future taking more action. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I've struggled with depression most of my life. Ypu don't have to put up with it. There are meds that can help you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I've struggled with depression most of my life. The main thing that's been keeping me going is my dream. I have pushed myself through bad situations with the knoweldge that things will get better. I also numbed myself out so that I could not get hurt. I was afraid of getting so hurt and so low again, like when I was severely depressed, that I would give up. So I shut those feelings off so I could finish my education and make it through difficult jobs. I've gone through periods of being overworked and stressed out and poor. I knew that no matter how hard things were, I had a bright future waiting for me. The future is here. Now I am at the point where it's time to make my dreams happen. Maybe I could have tried earlier, instead of waiting until now. But this is the way it is. I waited until now, and I dont' want to wait anymore. This is what I've been working towards. So that's what I'm doing. It scares the crap out of me. I'm having trouble with actually doing anything that I should be doing. I think it's because I'm worried this won't work. If this doesn't work, what will I have left? I have nothing else to look forward to. This is it. I haven't even failed yet but it's still becoming harder for me to keep going as I come to realize how difficult this is going to be. Why can't I have my act together. I know people my age who have good careers as nurses, and they are married and starting a family. I don't have any of that. How much harder do I have to work and how much longer will this take. There was a time in my life that without medication and treatment i would not have made it through....if you didn't have luck with one doctor or felt disappointed in advice given, you can seek a second opinion maybe you might find an understanding medical practitioner who does get you...its worth a shot, cant be worse than what you are feeling now.....i struggle with disappointment, i struggle with finding my path......i battle a lot with indecision......on the days i have these low periods i accept them....like i accept everything that happens, like you do i guess following your dream through the lows.......trying to finish your education trying to conquer your doubts while doing that course its all progress.....to me, my progress is acceptance medication isn't for me I have done that......but you should at least try for that second opinion....and everyday you get through is progress........where you stand, is a brighter spot for having you there every step you take forward from that spot is progress however small it is.....even a smile when you are down if you can find that humour is a gift.......and im smilin atcha.....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michal2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I think that you are in critical condition. You have to take medication, meditation and do the thing that you like to do. This could be help you to out of this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Okay so I went to a walk-in clinic tonight. He gave me a requisition to get some bloodwork done. He wanted to know what for and I told him anxiety/depression. He said they will call me when the results come in and if needed they can refer to me to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I'll have to wake up really early either tomorrow or the next day to get the bloodwork done. Not being a morning person, we'll see how that goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 I had my bloodwork done this morning. I should get the results within 8 days, so yeah by the end of next week hopefully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 I've struggled with depression most of my life. The main thing that's been keeping me going is my dream. I have pushed myself through bad situations with the knoweldge that things will get better. I also numbed myself out so that I could not get hurt. I was afraid of getting so hurt and so low again, like when I was severely depressed, that I would give up. So I shut those feelings off so I could finish my education and make it through difficult jobs. I've gone through periods of being overworked and stressed out and poor. I knew that no matter how hard things were, I had a bright future waiting for me. The future is here. Now I am at the point where it's time to make my dreams happen. Maybe I could have tried earlier, instead of waiting until now. But this is the way it is. I waited until now, and I dont' want to wait anymore. This is what I've been working towards. So that's what I'm doing. It scares the crap out of me. I'm having trouble with actually doing anything that I should be doing. I think it's because I'm worried this won't work. If this doesn't work, what will I have left? I have nothing else to look forward to. This is it. I haven't even failed yet but it's still becoming harder for me to keep going as I come to realize how difficult this is going to be. Why can't I have my act together. I know people my age who have good careers as nurses, and they are married and starting a family. I don't have any of that. How much harder do I have to work and how much longer will this take. I'm 100% in favor of you trying out some anti-depressants. I take a low dose of Celexa (I take 5 mg, they come in 20mg and 10 mg pills, so I cut the 20 mg into fourths. The Celexa is like $4 a month at Walmart and other pharmacies, very cheap). Celexa has changed my life so much! It took away the feelings of sadness that would hit me now and then for no reason. Which was a real pain in the ass and very embarassing. Plus, hard to deal with at work. It's hard to fake your happy when 'sad' feelings hit for no reason. Celexa changed all that. But I put off trying an anti-depressant for way too long. That is my one regret! I should have tried it much sooner. But, better late than never. Keep us posted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Sorry to hear that you're going through this. The best thing you can do is to think positive and take steps to make the situation better. For me, it seems like everything is going wrong lately, from my husband and I having insecure jobs, to not having enough money to pay rent after next month and our relationship going down the tubes. I'm 23 and holding onto the fact that I graduate college this coming summer and I have job experience to find a much better job...which means I can improve my credit and pay my bills...so things WILL get better, even if I have to get through this rough patch first. It just seems so far away that I have to force myself to have patience. But I know how it feels to have that feeling that your life is over and you've really screwed things up for good. I have to tell myself that I am still young and that change is coming, I just need to continue to work hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptObvious Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 You know, back when I was 16 and sucked at life as much as you do, I learned to live with mediocrity. I had a $3,000 crown vic and my first gym membership at the time. I knew I wasn't gonna be some billionaire rockstar that goes on to **** 100 hookers on a space shuttle to mars and back. I also even knew I'm too much of an ***hole to take on the responsibility of having kids at any point in my life. So, I decided to not set any goals for myself. I realized the people I tried to impress were going to all be too old to care or dead by the time I finish walking my path. Then I realized that I, myself, was one of those people, and no matter what happens I'd end up the same way before I started: non existent. There wouldn't be a brain cell left in my corpse to give a **** about what I did right or wrong in the 40 something years I played this game. Listen OP, if your little dreams don't work out you'll be drive a crappy car and you'll rent a tiny room in some backwater town til your time is up. If this scares you then you need to man up because you've been given the same death sentence just like everybody else that's ever been born. Also, you think leaving behind a bunch of resentful kids is gonna make a difference? World War 3 pal, that's what they got on their plate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you all for the supportive words. I think I've been in denial, thinking that I can handle things on my own. Maybe it's not so bad that I need some help. I hadn't heard back from the clinic so I called them today. My results are in. Nothing is wrong with my bloodwork. So I need to go back in next week to get a referral. I think with holidays coming up, I may not see a therapist until January but better late than never. I've got about 10 days off work, which will probably help to keep my anxiety down in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Thank you all for the supportive words. I think I've been in denial, thinking that I can handle things on my own. Maybe it's not so bad that I need some help. I hadn't heard back from the clinic so I called them today. My results are in. Nothing is wrong with my bloodwork. So I need to go back in next week to get a referral. I think with holidays coming up, I may not see a therapist until January but better late than never. I've got about 10 days off work, which will probably help to keep my anxiety down in the meantime. I commend you for following up. Don't give up. It's a process. There are no "dip sticks" or "litmus paper tests" for brain chemistries--it's all a process of best guesses. Some guesses can be wrong and exacerbate things. But you have to know that you are in charge and it's your place to determine if something is wrong for you. That is not a wasted effort. Information you gain should be relayed to your prescribing psychiatrist and they can try a different approach. You'll know when you've found the right thing not in one epiphany but when you can look back at how you've been for a month or so and like how you're coping--noticing that you let the crappy and petty stuff roll off your back and embrace the freedom from those side-trips to sadness or obsession. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 You may or may not need drugs. Before you jump to that conclusion, why don't you talk with a psychotherapist about your fears and dreams? Taking a look at those dreams, what is realistic, and what is unrealistic expectations? Are you truly prepared to tackle those goals? Do you have the necessary skills? First off, nobody becomes a rocket scientist one day without the proper skills, training, and education. So if your aspirations are in line with your capabilities, then you need to only address the fear. If your aspirations are a pie in the sky, then you need to look at what you can in reality aspire to, as your next step, as one of the stepping stones, to meeting those goals. Ok. Let's say you are qualified to pursue. Now let's look at your fear. Are we, as people, summed up by one failure, one success, one loss, one achievement? No. Even Einstein himself could have been set off course with an illness, a lack of funds, or some other roadblock. Life is not only achievement, it is a whole lot of luck. When we set our goals too high, as a MUST-DO or everything in our life is worthless, we can easily end up disappointed. Life is going to throw you some curve balls. You can't judge yourself based on one achievement. I think the stress you are putting on yourself to achieve this one particular thing-whatever it is-is causing you severe fear because you are basing your entire value of your person and life upon it. That's too much to insist upon yourself. We all do baby steps. I like to write. I'm not a famous writer...yet. I may never be one, and that's ok too. But what does set apart those who succeed from those who don't is persistance. If you fall, get up and dust yourself off and try again. Stephen King writes everyday, for 8 hours. If he writes crap, he tosses it in a drawer and starts over the next day. I've read his autobiography, and he says that. He sure doesn't expert perfection from himself, or he would be paralyzed, unable to write at all, and he would no longer be the most prolific successful writer in the world. He also doesn't base his value of himself solely on his writing, or any one thing. He has a family. He has friends, etc. Life is a sum of its parts, not one single achievement, do or die. Have a goal. Work toward achieving it. Don't base the entire value of your life upon that one goal. Balance and perspective. Maybe with some of the thoughts I wrote above you can release yourself from this all or nothing attitude, and thereby release yourself from your paralysis. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 "Drugs" is a bias word. Even medication can be. The objective is not to become drugged or medicated--in this case it is to slightly adjust your neurotransmitter activity efficiencies which is very analogous to tuning an automobile engine so that the sparks are happening in the chambers at the right time with the right mixture of fuel and air. All of us operate on this electrochemistry and if there is no trauma or source of confusion that is dragging you down where you need a psychotherapist to try to help you unravel some deep mystery, why waste time and money if there is no consequence for the type of medication now prescribed to treat electrochemically-based feelings of being "less than" well? If this were 1970, I'd be advising against medicine because you'd be getting an amphetamine or a sedative or both. But today,they don't medicate away the symptoms with a "drug" that simply blankets your central nervous system. Science has made the giant leap to actually addressing the causes. The only real caveat is that you're not dead and they can't dissect your brain and test every last detail--you're alive and unique and have to risk to find what works. I'm not "pushing" drugs--I'm pushing back against anti-drug bias. The choice is very simple--do you ruminate about traumas or injustices you can't figure out where simple logic will release you, or do you just feel blah and unmotivated a lot of the time and want to shi+ or get off the toilet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I tried to go to the clinic today but had problems with my bike. I couldn't fix it in time to get there, so tomorrow I'll go. I'm really not feeling well today. Something triggered me. I insulted someone today when he said he liked Twilight. I'm just so sick and tired of hearing everyone talk about how great that is. Well you know what, it offends me. Why? Because it's about a girl who is so nutso over a guy that she wants him to make her undead. She wants to give up her human life. It's a suicide wish. And it is portrayed as romantic. It is not romantic. That's really sick. There is nothing romantic about wanting to die. I hate how so many people are ignorant enough to FALL for that crap and not understand how wrong it is to romanticize suicide. Romeo and Juliet is even worse. I am sitting here right now wishing that I were dead. I don't know where these thoughts came from suddenly. I'm not going to do anything. I just feel so hopeless sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Have a goal. Work toward achieving it. Don't base the entire value of your life upon that one goal. Balance and perspective. Maybe with some of the thoughts I wrote above you can release yourself from this all or nothing attitude, and thereby release yourself from your paralysis. You make some good points. I do put pressure on myself to reach this goal. Even though I should probably stop doing that, I don't think it's the main issue. I think it's a symptom of a deeper problem. The choice is very simple--do you ruminate about traumas or injustices you can't figure out where simple logic will release you, or do you just feel blah and unmotivated a lot of the time and want to shi+ or get off the toilet? Both. I ruminate. I also feel blah and unmotivated. I feel that drugs would help me while I deal with the deeper issues. Uncovering certain things makes me feel extra anxious. I'll have days where I almost start to cry at work for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
sadpanda87 Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 variety, push yourself into exercise and other things. as soon as you start somethign that takes your mind off things, it becomes a little easier every time Link to post Share on other sites
BehindBlueEyes Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Exercise....Cycling is my escape and has done wonders..... Push yourself to exercise and don't sit around wallowing in bad thoughts...get outside, run, bike and start feeling better making new and great memories. It may not cure all of your feelings, but will help a lot....It's a goos combination to seek therapy and talking about your feeling plus going to the GYM/go running afterwards....Just don't sit and wallow. Link to post Share on other sites
shoesies05 Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Until you are able to see a psychiatrist you should keep coming on here for support. Also- don't be afraid to talk to someone you trust about this as well. Have you been having any serious thoughts about harming yourself, such as suicide or cutting? Or hurting others? If so, this means you really need not wait to see a psychiatrist and you should go to the ER and get help from someone... or call a hotline and get help. dont give up... and you're right, it isn't so bad to have people help. We're social beings so I think we are supposed to help each other out Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) Thanks... yeah I was doing cycling for a while and it helps. It is now snowing too much for that so I'll have to find something else to do. Either gym, or some sort of winter sport *shudders* No I don't have serious thoughts of hurting myself or others. Sometimes I wish I could just walk by a cliff, see someone I dont' like standing there, and push them to their death. or maybe come across them on a deserted road as I'm driving my car and I run them over and leave them for dead. Yeah I would never do that though. I don't have it in me. I'm pretty sure such fantasies aren't normal. I am going to wake up early to go to the clinic tomorrow. I went earlier this week and they were no longer accepting patients by the time I got there. Do you know what's funny is that I've been told by a bunch of people that I am tough. My ex always told me that I am so strong. Well I sure don't feel that way or look that way posting in here do I? I feel so weak. The idea of being seen as tough just seems so weird to me. Kinda cool, but it makes me feel phony. Edited December 22, 2012 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
CptObvious Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 No I don't have serious thoughts of hurting myself or others. Sometimes I wish I could just walk by a cliff, see someone I dont' like standing there, and push them to their death. or maybe come across them on a deserted road as I'm driving my car and I run them over and leave them for dead. Yeah I would never do that though. I don't have it in me. I'm pretty sure such fantasies aren't normal. oh it's totally normal. I think about killing random people more than I think about sex. I've gotten really creative over the years but at the risk of stephanie sending a partyvan to my house I'll just stop typing now. All I can say is that its completely natural to imagine killing everyone you see. Carrying it out takes balls though. Also, drugs are bad mmmkay? Just be glad you're not in some 3rd world dirthole. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 oh it's totally normal. I think about killing random people more than I think about sex. I've gotten really creative over the years but at the risk of stephanie sending a partyvan to my house I'll just stop typing now. All I can say is that its completely natural to imagine killing everyone you see. Carrying it out takes balls though. Also, drugs are bad mmmkay? Just be glad you're not in some 3rd world dirthole. I'm just glad that I'm not quite miserable enough to be going online and bullying people. Link to post Share on other sites
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