Dating a new guy and he's still sleeping with his booty call...

[KK'sLove]

Hello Everyone,

I need some help on this. Just started dating someone and know that he's sleeping with someone else.

 

Here's the story:

There is this guy that I work with, different parts of the building but I end up seeing him everyday. The last few weeks he's been really talking to me and letting me know where he'll be at when he goes out and so on. So I show up with friends last Friday at the bar he goes to (I actually go there too but I just never ran into him). He comes over and is really happy to see me. Well, we spend the night talking and we end up sleeping together. Please don't write that I'm a slut...I never do this but he was telling me how he's watched me and that he would go out with friends looking for me and so on. Somehow, I gave in..but completely my choice, he didn't try to convince me or anything like that. Okay, Saturday night, we go out together on a date, again that night we slept together (it's been a long time for me and again it was my choice). So on Sunday we are talking and he tells me that he has a "friend with benefits" that comes over a few nights a week but that he wouldn't never date her because he doesn't like her like that. Well, I just started to date him, so what can I say about this...nothing. I asked him if he was playing me and he said no that he is really interested in me and wants to date me.

 

So all week we have talked most nights for 4 hours at a time. Last night (Weds) I brought up the booty call person and asked if we started to really date would he get rid of her, I told him I found it gross. He said yes, that it would be inappropriate. He told me that she had called that night but didn't ask to do anything and I said "what would you of said if she did?" He said that he didn't want to do anything that night. This pissed me off, but we have only been talking a few days so again what can I do. Okay, so later in the conversation, we made plans to go out on Friday (tomorrow). I was too busy today at work and didn't get to see him, so tonight I call around 8:45 and he doesn't answer...I leave a message. He lives about 5 minutes from me so I decided to go see if she was there. She was (well, another car was there and it was parked the way he told me to park mine, I'm sure that it was her but I think it's safe to say that's why he didn't answer).

 

So what do I do? I'm so disgusted! How could he sleep with another girl the night before he's suppose to go out with me? What should I do? I can't confront him because obviously how would I know that she is there, he would know that I drove by. Second, do I have a right to even be mad about this? We just started to date and technically tomorrow would only be our 2nd date? I had already decided yesterday that I wouldn't sleep with him again till I knew that she was out of the picture and that I would tell him this if things were leading to sex on our date. But I'm sure that they are sleeping together right now and I'm just pissed!!! What should I do? What should I say? And do I have a right to be mad about this? Please help!!!

[Girlie]

I don't know whether you have a right to be mad or not, but it sounds like you are uncomfortable with the situation. Since I've been exactly (and I do mean exactly) where you are, my first inclination is to tell you to run like hell. However, you can talk to him about this. I know you haven't been dating very long, but you know, if you're looking for someone who wants to date only you: Speak Up. Don't be afraid to say so. Most normal relationships start out with two people...three's a crowd, as they old saying goes. If you don't like this, (and it sounds like you don't) let him know you're not interested in being with someone who's out shacking up with other people. Again, this advice is based kind of on what I went through, where I got drug through the mud for a year and got the whole "I promise I'll break it off with this other girl.....soon." I mean, it was my fault for putting up with it, but after that, I don't recommend getting involved in relationships where the other person is already involved in a sexual relationship with someone else, unless you are both completely comfortable with it.

[honey2005]

If you're sleeping with him while he's sleeping with someone else, you could be at a risk for STD's. I think if you want to continue being with him, you should tell him to stop seeing the FWB.

[fredrolin]

The minute you started having sex with this guy WITHOUT a commitment is the same minute he lost all respect for you.

 

Face it. Your booty call #2.

[Taken_Angel]

I'm soooo sorry to say this but sadly I think I agree with the last post, he slept with you the 1st night he talked alone with you at the bar....mistake number1 and the he told you that he had another booty call and you didn't say "ok well if you plan on keeping up with her you aren't going to be seeing me" =Mistake2 So you see he probably is considering you bootycall number2.

 

Or maybe not.

[winter23]

The minute you started having sex with this guy WITHOUT a commitment is the same minute he lost all respect for you.

 

Face it. Your booty call #2.

 

I agree.........you shouldnt have slept with this sleazeball so soon without a commitmemt, he wont commit now either trust me. cause he has already gotten what he wants.......you look like a fool now. he doesnt care........cause all he wants is sex from you. dump this jerk before he gives you something.......but sorry to say this but you took a risk and slept with him so dont start getting mad. there was no commitment or anything just an easy lay........he fed you **** about him wanting you. lol , girl he played you.........maybe i am being insenstive but he played you. but at least now you have learned.....

[EC]

I think that he's not sure of what your are yet and so he has to keep the booty call.

 

He already said that he would leave her if you guys started dating seriously.

 

You made the decision to sleep with him again knowing he has this other woman.

 

I suggest if you still want this guy that you go out on dates and continue talking but you tell him that you will not continue sleeping with him untill you are officially dating and he gets rid of her.

 

Don't be the second booty call.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

 

 

I suggest if you still want this guy that you go out on dates and continue talking but you tell him that you will not continue sleeping with him untill you are officially dating and he gets rid of her.

 

 

 

What's the point? She has already proven that she is an easy lay and he no longer has any respect for her.

 

The only women that I have dated and respected were the ones that didn't give me sex until we knew each other well and had a firm commitment.

[honey2005]

I agree with EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd. If you still like him, continue to date him, but don't sleep with him until you have a serious committment.

[faux]

If you are uncomfortable with the situation then you should not continue with it. You should definitely get tested for STDs, and be more cautious about who you give yourself to.

[KK'sLove]

Thanks for the feedback! Let me just say that I won't be booty call #2 though and I told him that!

 

Last night we went out. We ended up meeting my friends at a bar. Well, in the middle of being there I asked about Thursday. He lied and told me that a friend named Jen stopped over and that it was her birthday so they hung out. I said your booty call stopped over. He was said, No, the booty call's name is Heather. He said the he hasn't had sex with Heather since the week before me and him dated. He said that he has no desire to have sex with her. I was getting bits and pieces about this night throughout the night. He said that he had drank 9 beers that night and felt hung over the next day at work. He said that he went to bed at 12:30am. Okay, at first I kind of believed that maybe Jen did stop over, but I'll tell you why I don't now....later in this post.

 

Okay, so after this conversation I asked him if he wanted to come over later and spend the night but there would be no sex. He looked a little confused. I explained to him that I won't tell him to stop seeing his booty call, that's his choice and plus it's really soon since we just started dating. I told him, that I WILL NOT have sex with him or anything like it until he gets rid of her. I told him that I have self-respect, not that it was noticable last weekend, but I do and I have turned down plenty and I will turn him down too. He said that he understands and that he wanted to be honest and tell me that right now, he wasn't sure if he is going to continue having sex with her or not.

 

He came back to my house and we got into bed and started to make out. He got aroused and started to heat things up and I stopped them. He said, okay, and we went to sleep. This morning I woke up before him and was up for about an hour. I looked at his call history on his phone. I know that had to be Heather (booty call) at this house on Thursday because like I said before he didn't answer my phone call but answered hers ten minutes later. Plus she called last night, he didn't answer.

 

So when I'm driving him home this morning, I tell him that I like him but I having a hard time allowing myself to like him because of Heather. He said that he knows that he makes it difficult. I told him that I have never dated someone who was sleeping with another girl. Again, he didn't say that he would stop. I asked if he was going to call her tonight after he got off work (he's a bartender part-time) he said no. I told him that I would see him on Monday (He has to work Sunday) and we kissed goodbye. Before he got out I told him that I appreciated him spending the night and I'm glad that he isn't mad about not having sex. He got this big smile on his face, climbed back into the car and gave me more kisses. He said he would call me later.

 

So what do you think? I think he's a good guy and I think that he's like most of us when we start dating someone new. I date a few guys at a time because I know that it might not work out and I don't want to put all my eggs in to one basket. Could he be doing the same thing? I think that I will eventually tell him that he has to choose between one of us, because I'm not going to play this game. I'm hoping that the more he spends time with me that he will want to get rid of her. Is this possible? What do you think? I did the right thing right?

 

Thanks!!!

[Ali G]

Jem & Heather?

 

So your booty call # 3 lol...be it in your best interest to have him wear a helmet.

[honey2005]

I think you should definitely get tested for STD's.

 

He said that he understands and that he wanted to be honest and tell me that right now, he wasn't sure if he is going to continue having sex with her or not.

 

What does that mean? If he does start dating you he's going to be doing her on the side?

 

I think it was really good of you to tell him that you won't be having sex with him until he drops Heather. You just have to decide how you feel about this guy. Do you like him enough to wait around and see if he decides to stop sleeping with her? If it's so hard for him to stop having sex with her maybe he does have feelings for her after all. I would normally advise someone to leave if their boyfriend was having sex with someone else, but he's not technically your boyfriend. If you don't think he's worth it I suggest you move on. But the decision is up to you.

[KK'sLove]

Well, just a little update. He said when we left each other Saturday morning that he would call me. He never did. He said he had to work on Sunday (this was Friday when we were out) because there was a big motorcycle run at the bar, but that was a lie (well, it could of been a misunderstanding but he never called and when I called he didn't answer or call me back)...I found out it is next Sunday. The bad thing is that I have dated 12 guys since March and our date on Friday was the best date I seriously have ever had. I really like him and I do want to be with him.

 

Now today, I have to see him at work. He said "Hi" I just looked at the ground. So he just keep staring at me while we were around each other. It was very uncomfortable, we were standing right next to each other not talking. I'm pissed that he would do this to me. I guess it was all about getting me in bed...guess he succeed....boy, do I feel stupid.

 

So what do I do about this? We do work together and people normally see us chatting, I don't want to speak to him because I'm just going to tell him off but I don't want people to wonder why we aren't chatting anymore. Am I making a big deal about him not calling? Doesn't that say that he isn't interested in me?

[Butterfly_Queen]

Sounds like hes got to many women, (booty calls). Even if you told him you wouldn't have sex with him anymore, but would continue to date him, until he makes up his mind. What is that gonna solve? I wouldn't wont to keep dating someone while they are gettin it from other people. Hes just stringing you along. I feel that he is a player, and you could do better. Just my 2 cents. Best of luck.

[FolderWife]

You slept with him before you even went out with him. You call him all the time. You slept with him the second time you went out with him. Then, you continue to nag him about his other booty call, and tell him that you won't sleep with him again until she's gone. Then, you let him spend the night in your bed, get him all hot and bothered, then proceed to tell him that "Nope, you're not getting any"

 

Puhlease! Someone needs to take a class in keeping a guy.

 

Rule #1: Never sleep with a guy without a commitment

Rule #2: Never have a guy stay over without a commitment

Rule #3: Don't call guys as much as they call you. They like to chase you!

Rule #4: Don't nag him about his other girlfriend...if he has another girlfriend, leave him alone.

 

When I read your last post about saying, "See you Monday" after breakfast, I thought, "He called her after that?" Then when I found out that he hasn't called you, I was like, "Yep, I knew it."

 

You broke too many rules. Have you no sense?

[FolderWife]

Oh yeah, and if I'm reading you correctly, I'll bet money that you had him sleep in your bed, made out with him so he'd want to have sex with you, then you told him he couldn't, as a way to pretty much tell him, "See, you could've had me tonight, but you don't want to give that other chick up. So as long as you are with her, you can forget about it." You did that to punish him!!!!!

 

He got the message loud and clear, honey. You pretty much showed him what a relationship with you will be like. You'll be using sex to punish him every time he doesn't do what you want. You tell him you won't sleep with him, yet you make him want it to the point of no return, then turn him down.

 

HAVE YOU NO SENSE!? You made him want sex, and turned him down! I'm sure that as soon as he left you he called up his other girlfriend to get laid. You just gave him a better reason to want her...she'll give it to him, and you won't.

 

The appropriate course of action to have taken when you found out about his fwb, is to not sleep with him, and not have him stay at your house, and not call him, and not be availabel every time he wants to go out.

 

He said that he hadn't slept with her since he started going out with you. You shouldn't have had him stay the night.

 

Gosh! Too many mistakes!

 

How old are you?

[fredrolin]

You said that you two slept in the same bed, he got aroused and you told him NO.

 

That was the turning point. It was then and there that he realized that you aren't worth all this game playing.

 

Hell, you gave it up before and now your turning him down?

 

At least he was nice enough to spend the night and leave peacefully.

 

Apparently this guy has no problems getting women in bed without a commitment. You proved it by sleeping with him.

 

Guys will say anything to get laid, I should know, I'm a guy.

 

Next time you meet a guy that you really like, form a commitment before jumping in bed or he will NEVER respect you.

[Cupcake]

I'm responding to your post after reading it, and before I read the others' advice. My advice is:

 

If you are searching for something serious with a guy, and he admits that he keeps women who are not serious in his life just for sexual relations, STAY AWAY from him. More than likely, he's just adding you to the bunch. Especially if you had sex with him after the first date. (There's nothing wrong with you for doing that. It's just that it's not a good way to start something serious.) I'm not judging or anything.

 

Real love goes deeper than sex. And people in search of real love go for the more deeper things. If he were interested in something different with you than what he already shares with someone else, he would have done things with you that he doesn't do with anyone else.

 

Personally, I think people who indulge in that "booty call" arrangement have low self esteem. I don't care how much one enjoys sex. It really causes a lot of problems in the long run. Someone always gets pregnant, STD's, or worse. When someone tells me that they like the booty call arrangement, I just say, "nice meeting you" and I move on. Trust me, it really reveals the negative side of a person's character and morals.

[Girlie]

Hon, he's probably a fun guy...I'm assuming he must be with all of the women he has around...so it's understandable that the date you had with him was great. But sweetie, you said yourself that he's LYING to you. And you're not even in a relationship with him yet, so it's not like he has to lie to cover things up. He's never said he was going to be exclusive with you. And yet he lies anyway? Run like hell. Seriously. Stay away from this guy.

[KK's Love]

Thanks for the replies...well it's working out good, here's the update!

After the last post (Monday), he called that evening and we spoke for hours. He wasn't with her at all over the weekend, he was with friends from his other job.

 

He also said that I was the only person that he's dating. He actually thought that I had went out on a date with someone else Saturday night since he saw a lot of my friends at the bar and I wasn't with him. I told him that I haven't went out with anyone else out of respect for him. I could tell that he felt better. Well, anyways, we had a good conversation.

 

Last night (Tues), I called him and again we spoke for hours. He said that his booty call had called him and was telling me about the conversation, again he told me that he didn't care about her romantically or anything like that. So, I finally said, if you don't care about her why can't you tell her that you are dating someone and the booty calls are going to stop because you want to see where it is going with the person you are dating. He, how do you know I didn't already do that? I said, because you didn't tell me you did and the conversations last week. He asked if I wanted to know the truth and I said yes. He said that, He told her that he is seeing someone now and it the booty call is completely done. He must of told her this earlier last night since he said he hadn't talked to her since the week before. (I didn't say this, but I was shocked that he said we were "seeing each other", I guess we just went to exclusively dating). I think it made a big difference to him when I told him that I'm not dating anyone else and now I know that he really likes me. In fact, he said that he could go years without having sex so he won't pressure me.

 

I'm so happy he did this. Its the right and respectful thing to do. I feel much better! Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it!!!

[fredrolin]

Well you didn't take our advice so what are you thanking us for?

 

I guess we will hear from you again after you catch him lying and cheating.

[She's Come Undone]

Originally posted by fredrolin

Well you didn't take our advice so what are you thanking us for?

 

I guess we will hear from you again after you catch him lying and cheating.

 

I love all of your responses to this thread..dead on.

 

So, fred, do you think a month is an appropriate amount of time before getting sexual?

 

A month of seeing each other every two-three days? Is there really any standard?

[dyermaker]

: I'm happy that things worked out for you, and dissapointed that most respondents would rather have their stupid hypotheses proven right than your happiness.

[She's Come Undone]

Hypothesisises???

 

 

How about experiences? Statistics? Facts? No? Don't buy that?

 

Hmmm.