Lets be blunt - I'm the ugly friend.

[CandyRon]

Yes, it's true. All my life, I've always been the ugly friend in the group of wonderful girls. I know that many people are attractive, but they just lack self confidence. I am not one of those people. I am overweight and suffering with a hormone problem, so its very hard for me to loose the extra kilos. This also makes my skin horrible and patchy. I'm dark, and as a person of colour, especially as an Indian, that's a big issue with most guys.

I won't lie, I have lots of good attributes too. I'm smart and have a great easy going personality. Unfortunately, all that, combined with my lack of good looks, always results in me ending up in the friend zone. I have so many guy friends, but none of them have ever seen me in any sort of romantic way. I get attention for all the wrong reasons. Most guys I meet in a club/while out just want to have sex with me, because I apparently "give of sexual vibes" and "have a great rack". I've also been approached by two older men, both of whom just wanted me to be a 1 night fling.

I'm 20, and have never had a boyfriend or been kissed.

I really hope that I didn't sound bitchy in this post. It's just that I've lived without a mum all my life, and the lack of female advice is finally catching up to me. In school, I was okay with being just one of the guys, but now in college I'm trying to form genuine relationships. How can I be confident when guys just talk to me to get to my friends, and have told me straight to my face that I'm fat, ugly, horrible, etc.

[allenpo123]

Yeah, I totally understand. I'm overweight, hadn't had a boyfriend, been kissed... All I can say is confidence is the key to beauty. I go to the gym now, though I'm not particularly losing any weight, but my friends tell me that I look thinner and more athletic which makes me feel confident about my looks.

 

Try going to the gym sometime, it'll help with your self-esteem. I know it make sound lame, but healthy people are attractive, it's a biologic fact. (Healthy people have more chances to survive...etc)

[rdb]

I'm a guy and also 20. Let me give you some insight:

 

1. Perception of a guy actually looking for a relationship isn't completely based off superficial things, and is also relative to the confidence level of the guy himself. I'm going to be honest, a lot of guys struggle with body image as much as you do. We just aren't as open about it and don't talk to each other about it, but it is an issue that affects a lot of people at our age. Another thing about most people of both sexes at this age is that they are not looking for anything serious. I can pretty much guarantee 100% of the people at a club are not. Clubs are for dancing, fun, and lust, not love. One thing to take note of though, is that the guys their are at least interested in you. That means you are not as undesirable as you probably think you are; it means you need to seek out a better environment with higher quality guys who share the same values as you. Trying to find one of those in a dark room with strobe lights and top 40 music is next to impossible - it pretty much is for finding girls at least.

 

2. You cannot naturally change your looks...and should not desire to change them through plastic surgery. Instead, work at becoming more comfortable with who you are. Take pride in it. For me, even if a girl has "a little extra" if I can see that she is confident and has invested in her appearance, that offsets other things. I value a smile, well put-together wardrobe, and a positive attitude as much as I value physical assets. All of that should be what you are doing for yourself though. Same with weight. If you feel unhealthy, workout. If your health issues make it harder, talk to a doctor or go look online to find practical solutions. Don't let anything stop you from doing what you want to do and ever go into things with the sole purpose of doing it for someone else. The most attractive thing you can do for yourself is to carry yourself in a way that a guy like myself can sense you are comfortable of who you are.

 

3. People that call you names like "fat", "ugly", "horrible", or anything else are not your friends. That is not how I talk to my friends and I hope that isn't how you talk to them, so why are you hanging around people who think that of you? One of the essential ways to keep a positive mindset is to surround yourself with positive people. That doesn't mean "yes-men" who will blindly support you. Friends need to be tough, honest, and offer constructive advice. But they don't need to be cruel about it.

 

To sum it all up: if you really want a boyfriend, do some introspection and work on becoming comfortable with yourself. Do things that make you happy with people that make you happy. But do it all for yourself and for your own reasons, not just so you will become an attractive option: that's the only way it will truly be fulfilling. Guys will see that and be attracted to it.

[IT Geek]

I'm smart and have a great easy going personality. Unfortunately, all that, combined with my lack of good looks, always results in me ending up in the friend zone.

 

How can I be confident when guys just talk to me to get to my friends, and have told me straight to my face that I'm fat, ugly, horrible, etc.

 

I can relate from the male perspective. I dated one woman for a couple of months and then she tells me that she really likes me, but wants a size 36 me. OUCH. Not exactly a self-confidence booster.

[Nyla]

Some men choose to verbally abuse others to make themselves feel better.

A short and fat stranger was once talking to me about chinese buffets. He said: "I've seen girls way skinnier than you-barbie type girls-eat a lot at the buffet." I laughed and deadpanned him with "Yes and my husband is taller than you, better looking and has a much bigger cock." He was speechless. When a man is mean to you for no reason, aim for the jugular. Stops these fools in their tracks.

 

I agree with surrounding yourself with positive people. I used to have "friends" who made snide remarks about me or my husband. When I was upset about their thoughtless comments, they accused me of not being able to handle the truth. I just dropped another "friend" who started talking to me like a POS, because she was angry about other things not going well in her life.

 

Try to find some clothes that fit well and learn do your makeup if you don't already. Invest in some shapewear as well. These steps should help you feel better about your appearance. A fat woman can be sexy as well; it's about confidence and dressing well. Remember that there are some men out there who love dark skin and extra weight.

[FitChick]

If you have hormone problems, your health is at risk because hormones affect your entire body. It is more than a cosmetic problem. Find an endocrinologist, don't go to a GP. A friend of mine started gaining weight for no reason and when she had an MRI it showed a benign tumor on her pituitary. A simple surgery through her nose fixed the problem. Your problem may be as simple as using progesterone cream. Don't guess and don't take a shoulder shrug for an answer! Fix it!

[Tiera D]

well you could always go plastic surgery or slimming centre,you got the cash? and yes most people nowdays just lack courtesy and have some oversized ego that looks down on everyone else

 

TD

[lickersticker]

sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with being big. i would love to talk to you in a more pvt setting(e-mail or phone) this is a topic i have pretty good experience with. not to mention the fact that i LOVE big women!!! i am new to this site so it will be up to you to contact me. OK? i don't know how to navigate this site yet.;)

[Mrlonelyone]

First of all I know plenty of bigger women in long term relationships.

 

Second if your weight gain is medically caused then I'm sure it can be medically solved. Simply taking a multivitamin and drinking water instead of soft drinks, for example, could result in loosing a bit of weight. Not to mention better skin etc.

 

Third, a man who cannot see your good qualities because he's looking for someone who looks like Aishwara Rai when he's not even Imran Khan (I know I know but we only know so many East Indian film actors around here) then he isn't worth your time.

[Arabella]

@OP:

 

I'd just like to echo what others have said. Size isn't everything.

 

Due to medical issues, I went from being a size 2 when I was 18 years old, to being a size 28 two years later. Imagine that huh? Now I'm a comfortable size 14 (I'm 29). Despite this, I've never been single longer than 3 months. No matter what size I was, I've always had men (which I found attractive in the general sense) pursuing me and wanting to be in a relationship with me.

 

The key is SELF-ESTEEM. You are a woman of worth, and you gotta believe it. Only then you will be attractive to others. If you don't feel this is the case, then WORK on yourself. Go back to school and get a degree to improve your career opportunities & finances, go to the gym to improve your body, seek medical help for the hormonal issues... etc. There are so many things you can do.

 

This is what WON'T help: Looking down on yourself and allow people to treat you anything less than how you deserve to be treated. Particularly men. Don't give into sex just because you feel that's the only thing you can get from them even though you want more. You deserve better and men will only give you as much respect as you demand.

 

Good luck and feel free to PM me. I'd love to help you through this if you'd like to talk to somebody who can relate.

 

-A

[pteromom]

Don't label yourself. Just be yourself and don't worry about it.

 

This will get MUCH MUCH better for you. Guys your age are very shallow, in general. Over the next couple years, it will start getting better, and will continue to improve for you.

 

Instead of focusing on finding a guy, focus on yourself. Build a career/education for yourself. Build on your interests, hobbies, and knowledge.

The more things you know and do, the more interesting and intriguing you become, so dating is a positive side-effect of growth.

 

I wasn't ugly, but at your age, I happened to have a best friend who was a model. So I was ALWAYS the "second choice" girl. At the time, it hurt. But in the long run, it wasn't a big deal, and I have a very rich and interesting dating history.

[Life'sGood]

I agreed with everyone. The key is to put yourself first before others. Love yourself. Believe in yourself.

 

I used to be in your position, with gorgeous and tall girlfriends. I am very short but I learn to appreciate myself and embrace the "shortness". I also find that working out will always make me feel better. I too have a few kilos to lose. I have been called ugly and fat too (during high school). Sometimes, I wonder why people have to point out to me that I have gained weight.

 

So, my advice is to just ignore the comments that is not going to help you in any ways. Start looking after yourself. If it's any help, everyday when I wake up, I will look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. When I first started it, I did not really believe it, but now it's true to me. I try to find some other qualities in me that I like, eg. my smile

[clia]

There are many things that are perfectly within your control regarding your physical appearance.

 

1. Regarding your weight: You say you have a hormonal issue so you can't lose weight. Have you tried? I mean, really tried for a solid eight to twelve weeks -- as in calories in less than calories out, working out 5-6 days a week for 30-45 minutes, etc.?

 

2. Do you wear make up? If not, you should. If you don't know how to put it on, take a lesson.

 

3. Do you have long hair that is nicely styled? If not, you should. Go to a good stylist and get advice if necessary.

 

4. Do you wear skirts/dresses and high heels when you go out? If not, you should.

 

5. Do you dress well in general and project a clean, put together look? If not, you should.

 

6. Stop being "just one of the guys." I have a feeling you are so used to falling in to the friend zone that you naturally excude this type of personality. Work on being more flirty and feminine.

 

These are all things that are important to most men. Appearance is extremely important. If you can do anything about your weight, you should try to, although there are men who are attracted to larger women. There are also many men who are attracted to darker skinned, exotic women such as yourself.

[Aslanbek]

Some men choose to verbally abuse others to make themselves feel better.

A short and fat stranger was once talking to me about chinese buffets. He said: "I've seen girls way skinnier than you-barbie type girls-eat a lot at the buffet." I laughed and deadpanned him with "Yes and my husband is taller than you, better looking and has a much bigger cock." He was speechless. When a man is mean to you for no reason, aim for the jugular. Stops these fools in their tracks.

 

I agree with surrounding yourself with positive people. I used to have "friends" who made snide remarks about me or my husband. When I was upset about their thoughtless comments, they accused me of not being able to handle the truth. I just dropped another "friend" who started talking to me like a POS, because she was angry about other things not going well in her life.

 

Try to find some clothes that fit well and learn do your makeup if you don't already. Invest in some shapewear as well. These steps should help you feel better about your appearance. A fat woman can be sexy as well; it's about confidence and dressing well. Remember that there are some men out there who love dark skin and extra weight.

 

Hear, hear....to the last sentence.